#1 priority for 2020: Self-care

[tsuki]

This week was very tough on me. I'm mostly alone in the office and I'm working on an ambitious project. I'm very critical towards my own work and it makes me unhappy. I'm in a cycle of being content with what I wrote when I'm heading home and re-evaluating it later, to the point of re-designing what's already been done. While the designs are more universal, with cleaner separation, I'm beating myself up for not making enough progress. I'm thinking to myself that I'm re-inventing the wheel and I could have done it faster and better if I used existing libraries. The problem is that I have a vision for what I want to do and these libraries make design choices for me. I'm compensating these thoughts by reminding myself that I'm building a base for communicating with the rest of the system here so I need a solid networking layer with enough flexibility.

In the meantime, I'm also beating myself up for not sticking to my promises. After biking home, I'm tired from all the thinking and not particularly interested in cooking, laundry and cleaning. I'm not preparing my meals in advance and not eating enough vegetables. I'm filling the calorie gap with carbs. Thankfully, I'm still stretching from time to time to relieve my neck/back pain. My sleep is shallow, but I managed to go to bead early yesterday. I gained about 6 kg over the past few months and I'm very displeased with this fact. My wife is kind enough to reassure me that she doesn't mind, but I think that all my effort to lose weight is lost.

Emotionally speaking, I'm a mess. I see that I'm controlling towards my wife and I'm thinking that she's distancing herself from me. I don't know how she manages to stick around me when I'm having trouble with that myself. 

[silene]

Hi tsuki, would you say you're a perfectionist? One memory of my astronomy tutor at uni was when he said of our work: you can either do it perfect or do it for Thursday (ie on time) - the answer is usually Thursday unless it's life & death. A friend of mine recently started a job programming the air traffic control system so that needs to be perfect but most other things can be just good enough What does it feel like when things don't go to plan, or if you realise you could have done it better but don't have time to redo it, can you use that as part of your spiritual work?

Edited March 27, 2020 by silene

[tsuki]

@silene I don't identify as a perfectionist, but I see that I'm sometimes possessed by this personality.
It usually happens when I'm emotionally overwhelmed. Typical enneagram type 6 behavior.

[tsuki]

This is the weirdest thing I have ever learned about myself.

I modeled my adult self after a character called smuggler.
Smuggler was an editor of a polish gaming magazine called cd-action that I used to read when I was a small kid. He used to reply to fans' letters in a section called action redaction. I remember reading a lot of that stuff when I was raising myself.

Smuggler was a guy nobody could find, there were memes in that magazine about fans trying to meet him in the office, but he was a recluse and would never meet them. He even started spreading rumors that he does not exist, etc. Few years ago I heard that the head editor of that magazine came out  and said that smuggler was his alter-ego. Today it struck me that probably many of the fan letters in that section were made up as well and I was using THAT as a basis for my adult self. I literally gave birth to someone else's figment of imagination.

I learned that during today's LSD trip. 

Edited April 11, 2020 by tsuki

[tsuki]

Aaand I'm also bisexual.

Everything suddenly makes much more sense.

Edited April 11, 2020 by tsuki

[tsuki]

Home is acceptance.

[tsuki]

We just started watching shrek 2.
We're 5 minutes in and I already know that it's the best couples' therapy session.

[tsuki]

I'm a bisexual, feminine, man raised by demanding parents in a hyper-masculine environment. I hate my own femininity.

Over my adolescent years, I had 5 male friends that were not merely friends to me. I'm just starting to acknowledge the feelings I had for them.

During my trip I realized that I'm not afraid the world in itself. I'm afraid of people's judgement.

I'm also afraid of homelessness. I was always homeless. The only home I will have is the one I will create. Home is acceptance.

[DrewNows]

2 hours ago, tsuki said:

I'm a bisexual, feminine, man raised by demanding parents in a hyper-masculine environment. I hate my own femininity.

Over my adolescent years, I had 5 male friends that were not merely friends to me. I'm just starting to acknowledge the feelings I had for them.

During my trip I realized that I'm not afraid the world in itself. I'm afraid of people's judgement.

I'm also afraid of homelessness. I was always homeless. The only home I will have is the one I will create. Home is acceptance.

Hey man sounds similar to me 

My upbringing was similar with a military father; possibly I’ve always been bicurious, not sure if it goes deeper. Honestly at a very young age I turned females into the “bad guys”. My parent’s separation at the age of 6, moving to a small town, messy dragged out separation; I lost a guy friend who began to chase girls in 6-7th grade rather than play b-ball with me, then eventually  promised myself (out of fear) I’d avoid all distractions like girls until I felt it mattered enough. I had plenty of girl crushes growing up and never really felt physical attraction toward guys. Anyways, how do you know you’re attracted to guys? What’s the difference between admiration and attraction? 

[tsuki]

14 hours ago, DrewNows said:

Anyways, how do you know you’re attracted to guys? What’s the difference between admiration and attraction? 

I'd say that admiration is the mental component of attraction. Attraction is also physical. I never allowed myself to have an erection when thinking of a man, but I had symptoms such as waves of heat and a racing heart. Moist and pink come to mind when I think about that feeling.

Think about having a crush. You admire this person so much that you idealize them. You think that they are perfect for you, that your life is fixed now and will never be complete without them. This is love in infancy and is driven physiologically, "chemistry". 

When it's more mature, it's also about looking for intimacy, sharing your vulnerable self, and being partners for life. It's about feeling accepted and creating a home, a place where you can be yourself. Even if you grew apart and interact sporadically, you still think of them as someone special and precious. There is a longing for them and a certain kind of sadness that it didn't work out.

It's especially shocking for me because I had these full blown platonic relationships with men I never even recognized. I though that this is how friendships work and I though that I'm a weird, overly intimate friend and I'm like that because of my childhood. That I was so desperate for attention that I don't even care if it's coming from a man, or a woman.

I even flaunted my wife in one of my "friend's" face on one occasion and it haunted me for YEARS. I couldn't understand why I did that! I though that I was teasing him because I knew that he hated when couples held hands in public. I was jealous of him having so much success with women, I thought this was rivalry, but I never suspected that it was women were my rivals.

I make much more sense to myself now, but it's still very difficult for me. I'm suspecting myself for really being gay and hating myself for it for whatever reason. I do love my wife and I can't even comprehend how well she's taking all of this. She probably suspected as much because she's been attracted to gay men before and she's also bisexual.

Life is so weird.

Edited April 13, 2020 by tsuki

[DrewNows]

10 minutes ago, tsuki said:

Life is so weird.

Aint that the truth..

man...perhaps much of it can be chalked up as overthinking and needing solidarity in oneself. 

12 minutes ago, tsuki said:

Think about having a crush. You admire this person so much that you idealize them. You think that they are perfect for you, that your life is fixed now and will never be complete without them. This is love in infancy and is driven physiologically, "chemistry". 

right. perhaps so. but maybe it has less to do with the individuals and more to do with ourselves. It's always more than just the gender. I always felt more comfortable opening up to guy friends because i felt safer or more relaxed because there isn't the expectations or fear 

16 minutes ago, tsuki said:

There is a longing for them and a certain kind of sadness that it didn't work out.

could this not be natural for guys and girls (friends) as long as there's some sort of attachment issues unacknowledged. 

20 minutes ago, tsuki said:

I make much more sense to myself now, but it's still very difficult for me. I'm suspecting myself for really being gay and hating myself for it for whatever reason. I do love my wife and I can't even comprehend how well she's taking all of this. She probably suspected as much because she's been attracted to gay men before and she's also bisexual.

hmm yeah this kind of thing really urks me, like if i was gay, i would want or expect any family member or friend to say something in some form or fashion without trying to offend me. I had this fear over these last few years, had a few encounters with gay men "chatting" me up and with my natural inclination to flee when it comes to woman chatting me up, i've felt completely perplexed about my actual wants/desires. I dont honestly see myself being intimate with a guy however i do believe im capable of about anything if i choose. I'd like to let go of emphasis on gender, observe myself around everyone and recognize when masks are created and see what feels true. There's plenty of unknowns just waiting to be revealed, i just gotta allow the genie to come out 

34 minutes ago, tsuki said:

I even flaunted my wife in one of my "friend's" face on one occasion and it haunted me for YEARS. I couldn't understand why I did that! I though that I was teasing him because I knew that he hated when couples held hands in public. I was jealous of him having so much success with women, I thought this was rivalry, but I never suspected that it was this kind of rivalry.

Interesting yes to boost one's morale. Appreciate what you have shared and taking this as an opportunity to reflect on my experiences. It's weird sometimes i feel things will be easy by simply staying true and honest with myself but honesty/humility just isn't always natural. So then judgement comes into play. 

[tsuki]

38 minutes ago, DrewNows said:

right. perhaps so. but maybe it has less to do with the individuals and more to do with ourselves. It's always more than just the gender. I always felt more comfortable opening up to guy friends because i felt safer or more relaxed because there isn't the expectations or fear 

I always thought that my love life in my teens was so lackluster. That I haven't explored nearly enough. I judged myself for not knowing how to flirt with women and "pick" them. As it turns out, I had more unrecognized relationships with men, then I had with women.  I was just blind to them! HOW CAN SOMEONE BE BLIND TO THAT?! 

And my relationships with women were so weird! I mean, they were perfectly understandable given just how emotionally closed my mother is, how difficult it is for her to show affection. She was a police officer specializing in sexual crimes! And my sadism makes SO MUCH SENSE RIGHT NOW! My wife just spelled it out for me today, it never occurred to me with so much clarity before that I just wanted her to be interested in me! HOW INSANE IS THIS?! A child can subconsciously pick EXACTLY what to become so that its mother takes care of it. I don't remember EVER doing this deliberately, like I did some things just to hurt my parents. It must have happened so early in my life!

50 minutes ago, DrewNows said:

could this not be natural for guys and girls (friends) as long as there's some sort of attachment issues unacknowledged. 

I don't think so, not in this sense. Having recognized my bisexuality, I now see that I had some friends that are definitely straight and I did not have this kind of relationship with them. We were close, friends, but it was never anything beyond that. We grew apart and they don't come up as thoughts/voices in this manner. They don't "haunt" me. 

My "masculinity" makes SO MUCH SENSE right now. The fact that it's so eerily juvenile sometimes and has this childish fascination with brutality. I was SHOWING OFF and hiding in plain sight! And I had such an ambivalent relationship with it. I loved and hated it at the same time. I was cruel and loving/affectionate at the same time. Completely blows my mind. 

1 hour ago, DrewNows said:

had a few encounters with gay men "chatting" me up and with my natural inclination to flee when it comes to woman chatting me up

I'd chat you up, hahaha. You're my type .

[mandyjw]

A whole bunch of gender identification/ sexual stuff comes bubbling to the surface in this work, because our unconscious identifications and resistances are so deeply rooted in sex/gender/attraction and we look to that area to resolve those dualities. Oneness has a lot of bizarre and inconvenient-to-the-ego consequences that we like to bury and avoid. I'm not suggesting that you're wrong or you're right, just don't let the mind take this too far, don't let the mind hijack the insights and prevent the real integration from the trip.

Having a gift for empathy, having intuition and insights into people, will complete fuck up your relationships and how you fit in with the "normal" sense and societal expectations of "boundaries" in real life. The more you try to solve this on the level of mind and "fixing yourself as a person", rather than in the moment of connection with someone, the bigger the problem gets, cause we just feed it more resistance. 

Much of our pain comes from the simple attempt to identify with SOMETHING, anything then realizing again and again that nothing we come up with will ever fit. 

 

[tsuki]

We watched Phoebe in Wonderland yesterday. It's a fantastic movie about children and childhood. I highly recommend it.

[DrewNows]

On 4/13/2020 at 2:42 AM, tsuki said:

I'd chat you up, hahaha. You're my type .

Lmao! You know it’s funny cuz I don’t run from guys, but I do feel awkward/uncomfortable as hell sometimes when I realIze their intentions. I might become judgmental or not depending on whether I know I’m judging 

I feel I could use having some gay friends now if not just to get my feelings sorted out and “head on straight”. Had a big ego most of my life so this may surely bring out some discomfort in me

A dude with long hair who’s not afraid to make eye contact (me) can be a prime target or person of interest for many, not That I need to be making any conclusions, just seek to give my whole self to every new relationship / situation and clearly express boundaries. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a drive for connection like Tony Robbins 

[tsuki]

LSD trip report #4:

don't you fucking ever mix LSD with caffeine. Ever.
Remember that Bob Marley is love.

I really envy you fuckers that can put up these beautiful trip reports.
I'm struggling my ass off to love my ass.

[tsuki]

Alright, I'll try to describe what was happening yesterday, but it's going to be visceral.

I started the trip with a question: what should I do to stop judging myself? How do I love myself more?

I took the tab (~100ug) and after half an hour went to the restroom. After my previous trip, I was still in the afterglow of my realization that there was such an extraordinary amount of judgement about my ass. Like literally, tons, and tons, and tons, of judgement. How can I ever hope to love myself if there is a part of me that I routinely feel ashamed of, that there is smelly waste leaking out of? And my ass is, well... completely innocent.

Then, I went to bed because I was approaching the peak. I felt so much cold in me feet and I realized that this cold is not to be dismissed like I usually do. Usually, I dismiss it as my body having trouble with temperature regulation as a side-effect of taking the drug. This time however, I saw the lack of love. It hit me, like a ton of bricks, that there are MOUNTAINS of judgement stored in my feet. In my youth, I had mobility problems and my parents took me to many hospitals, trying to fix it/help me, but it was never properly diagnosed. Officially, it was said to be JIA, but I never believed it to be the case.

Anyway, I started crying. I cried for what felt to be an eternity and my feet desperately needed love, but I could not muster any. I felt so sorry for them and so grateful that they took me so far. I felt guilty for not taking enough care of my body, unworthy of it. It is so infinitely wise, deep, and giving and wants very little in return. My feet were SCREAMING. YELLING. They wanted love. They needed love and I didn't know how to love my feet. Desperate, I took a big bowl, poured some hot water in and started massaging them, crying. I did that until the water went cold and repeated it, with soap this time. I stopped when the water became cold again. I saw just how much of my character was "grounded" in my feet, my stubbornness, resistance, etc. I felt like this was the wound and it hurt SO MUCH that I barely was able to contain myself. In the meantime, I understood that I've been a dumpster for my family's emotional problems that they needed to uphold the illusion of normality. That they were using me as a scapegoat my whole life, just so that they could avoid thinking about their own actions. Right now, I can imagine that I was actually healthy, but in their twisted fucking minds, they found some imperfection in the way I walked and started talking and worrying about it. I wanted connection and love, so what would an abandoned child do to get their parents' attention? 

Anyway, for the rest of the trip, I was grateful for having a body and DESPERATELY wanting to love it and accept it, exactly as it is. On the other hand, my body was in such pain, such agony, that every fiber of my being, every pore of my skin, every hair in every nook of my body yelled NO! NO! NOOOOO!! So I lied there, unable to move, hovering in vacuum between love and pain, not even caring any more. I was like the embodiment of everything despicable in this world, everything wretched, ugly, and unsightful, and I WANTED TO LOVE THIS MISERABLE CREATURE SO MUCH! AND I COULDN'T MUSTER ANY DROPLET! I WAS COMPLETELY DRY! And every ideology came to save me, Christianity, Leo, Materialism, and I didn't want it, I just wanted to love this hairy little broken creature until I gave in. I took my favorite scapegoat, caffeine, and blamed it onto it. I came across this thread and started listening to Bob Marley. Bob Marley saved me. It's that simple. You just surround yourself with things that make you feel good, and you feel good. I slowly started coming back, being nourished by his music.

After some point, I started watching Shrek and watched it for the rest of the day, observing its archetypal structure with my wife. Absolutely brilliant movie about stories, expectations, masculinity and femininity.

[tsuki]

Pretty destabilized atm. Had a few episodes of mild paranoia where I was questioning whether I was really married, or just deluded myself into believing so to avoid being lonely. Tonight, I woke up with a lot of fear relating to my psychological state, losing grip on reality. I don't remember ever experiencing such a state before. My wife was also having a difficult night, so we had a tea and talked.

Strangely enough, our emotional state is intertwined, my wife is also having a lot of psychological turmoil recently. She's having a lot of insights into her unhelpful routines related to binge eating. She's made so much progress ever since she started doing cognitive-behavioral therapy. I'm so proud of her.

Anyways, I drew a hexagram in the morning and I got no 58. it was very helpful, I felt forgiven. The Sage consulted me to stop drawing definite conclusions and consult him/her in this respect. I feel compelled to do so.

Every trip I took so far was difficult, but I refrained from calling them "bad trips".
This time, I feel pretty violated. I don't think I was ready to do 2 trips in 2 weeks. 
I almost flushed the remainder of my LSD down the toilet tonight. My wife advised me to wait until I feel less emotional.

Anyways, I need to ground myself in my routines for the time being, regain my balance.

Edited April 28, 2020 by tsuki

[tsuki]

I spent yesterday afternoon on working with I Ching, the Oracle of the Cosmic Way.
I inquired the Sage about my trip and the hexagram I received in the morning warned me against making hasty conclusions about my childhood condition. The Sage informed me that it was caused by a projection* that I placed upon myself during my two childhood accidents. It was caused by feelings of guilt and fear of punishment. I was instructed to perform a meditation to free myself of it and I will keep doing it every day until I receive a "No" using RTCM. Today I woke up rested, but my feet were hurting.

* Projections are defined in I Ching as harmful thoughts that create discordant reality.

I also asked the Sage how to understand myself more deeply and the hexagram I received encouraged me to ask the questions that intrigue me. So, I asked: Given that the Nature is abundant, why does it allow for false, harmful, use of language? I received hexagram 34, Power with 5th changing line, but RTCM showed that it did not answer this specific question and is related to my father. For now, I can't interpret it clearly.

Edited April 29, 2020 by tsuki

[tsuki]

Still working with the I Ching. Very helpful for the time being.

I'm having trouble getting motivated at work.
I completed a stage in my project and have trouble getting motivated to push through to the second. I thought my code was universal enough to use it in the second stage, but I miscalculated.

I started watching Avatar the last Airbender. Awesome series to complement I Ching's teachings.