Attempting Honesty

[Phrae]

Plans for Summer:
Okay I don't know how this is gonna go. I am someway in a situation where I am practically certain I don't want to live where I've been born, a middle eastern country. I don't know what my expectations are of leaving this place. I've had wishy washy ideas about how I just need to leave, but maybe it's not that simple. I guess I make a point of being a realist. I don't know what my priorities are. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I want to do. I'm trying to remind myself of what I've read in a book 2 days ago which said that if you did know, what would it be? If I had an opinion what would it be? If I had a preference what would it be? Nonetheless, I seem to be more comfortable thinking that thought rather than do what that thought is entailing. I do that quite a fucking lot. I've been engaged in so much idle theorizing. The excuse that's making the situation tolerable is that I've got the whole summer to settle through this shit. I hope I fucking do. I was skeptical about not talking summer classes because of not being able to trust myself of using my time to get some results rolling. I will try to do the following things while being as least distracted as possible. I want to treat it as a job. I have 3 months and it's urgent. I do hate myself for saying "try" cause I don't know what's going to happen through this. I'm a lot more comfortable talking about it. I'm noticing myself not saying what I want to say to make this elaborate. I will try to increase honesty as I go along.

Things I wanna go through the summer:
Should I change my career? I think I will do this by finishing Leo's life purpose course...
What does it mean to live in a different place? I have to answer the earlier question to get a better picture of this.
Work on my health. < I'm really bad at this and I have to learn it all on my own (a lot of frustration and victim mentality) 
Fix my posture. 
Quit porn. 
Work on my self-esteem/confidence. I'm horrendous as this. honestly I just feel way too shallow to attempt to improve at normal social settings. I'd have to join something specifically dedicated to practicing so as not to be perceived weird.

After writing that I can see how it's so fucking unrealistic. I just get stressed thinking about it. I'm not sure if I can/should tackle these together. What do I mean by "tackle" here let me try. It's going to be reading books and exposing myself to "content". I don't think that's a good way. I am honestly scared about the prospects of changing my career. I want to finish Leo's life purpose course but I feel resistance because I know how much I'm going to scrutinize every response to every question that is asked and it's going to take me a full month to through it very very carefully and very diligently. I want to be designating exact hours to what I'm gonna work on. Do X for Y amount of time at days A-Z. I want to journal/write my thoughts about the process as I'm going along (unrealistic). It's also going to clearly shift the priority of the above listed things. I'm going to be forced to follow through on my life purpose by any mean possible and that sounds scary to me. I think I'm better thinking critically though.

I'm not going to think about Enlightenment here. I think Leo talks about wishing to have meditated earlier. I think meditating with a half ass attitude is not something that I want. He even mentions that the resistance to it is all the more reason to do it. I might be in denial but I'll be giving myself the benefit of the doubt... I might do 5-10 meditation everyday. I want to try visualizing constantly. TBH I can sense it's immediate usefulness unlike meditating.

I've written this yesterday I'll post another one today. I'll write how much I don't know things. How I'm mostly a pretender and that's working against me. I want to cultivate sacredness to dumbness I guess. I feel like I can do it.

Insights:
--I have to count reading/hearing/watching as a tool that I can use to progress, rather than the progress itself. I'm very guilty of this and I need to "hold my feet to the fires of reality" with this thing, even telling this to myself is not lighting the fire under my feet.
--Which stressed the second point "Nonetheless, I seem to be more comfortable thinking that thought rather than do what that thought is entailing. I do that quite a fucking lot."

things I've noticed:
I feel comfortable saying I'm going to be honest or trying to be honest rather than actually being honest. I'll probably not mention this again, which is probably working against me. I'm invested in having an image of a person who knows things. I think I insidiously do that to the point that I don't ask questions when I have to. I'll "try" to be honest as I go along.

[Phrae]

some stuff about doing "self-actualization
I'm pretty tired right now. It's 4:28 AM and I'm supposedly fasting. I'm going to literally answer this one question over and over again. What do I not know? What do I pretend to know?

I don't know what I'm doing when I read self-help books. I don't know what I'm doing when I spend weeks mostly at home not going out. I don't know what I'm doing when I tell other people I've got other things to focus on. I do know that I'm not supposed to do somethings but I don't think that that in itself makes doing what I don't know any better. 

I've seen a quote in a book a couple of days ago mentioning how you have enough things to write about if you've gone through childhood. That's actually bad news for me. That means I could spend a lot of time writing random things. There are so many things to write about that I can be unsure about whether I'm making progress or not. Yes, it's all about progress. At least it's something that I guilt my way into. That attitude might have to be rethought but that's what it is for now.

What do I pretend to know? That some people are rather off doing somethings rather than others. That was a pretty abstract statement. Of course I'm going to find a way to believe that about myself, but I don't know. Unless I've done a great deal in my life and have invested serious amount of thinking about meaning and how one can achieve it, I don't know what is going on. I seem as though I'm humbling myself when I clearly need to state out what I know. I never seem to get that balance straitened out. I know I'm also susceptible to self-fulfilling prophecies when I say I don't know something. I might be biasing myself.

I think it's good to stick to a selected attitude/focus and continually do that with different things. Right now I'm talking about what I don't know and that's where the focus is. I don't know what self-help is. That's why I didn't know how to answer when somebody made a smirk comment about what I do. I kind of told some people I read books about self-help. I don't know how to explain it to them. I think calling it hard to explain is a defence to not knowing what the fuck you're doing rather than knowing the direction you're going. I guess it's okay to not knowing what you're "doing" is, but you gotta make sure there's "doing" and that's perhaps a subtle distinction.

goodnight for now

insights:
--self fullfilling prophecy of telling yourself you don't know something. You stunt an otherwise continuing progression of line of thinking

[Phrae]

Contemplating Meditation (not really)
Aghhh, I meditated today for 20 mins, or it was supposed to be that way. I meditated again for 50 mins (I had an alarm set for 1h) this morning (or should I say late night). I do feel great. I've thought a lot about whether I want to do this or not. I feel like I'm different than the period that I was meditating, even though I 90% of the times delayed it until before bed and ended up doing the session when tired. Different in the sense that I'm losing track. Perhaps it's loss revealing itself to me rather than losing track of things. 

I can't really decide nor say what meditation is. I definitely think there is a lot of difference. I don't know how much it's relevant, and how much that relevancy changes as you get established in a "practice." I'm apparently starting a meditation commitment for 1 month. I'll see how it goes. I think I'm getting neurotic because I stopped meditating. I do find myself with higher energy a lot more. Perhaps I notice it more I don't know. I'll be thinking about it a lot. Of course the best thing to do if you're going to be evaluative is set a rigid commitment that is independent of any judgement of the evaluation. I guess it's not completely independent. You can't stop some kind of line of thinking into stopping this 1 month meditation habit. I've also decided on the "no-manipulation" technique in his new video.

I was considering the question seriously when I watched What if you have no concentration? What are the benefits of concentration? ~ Shinzen Young earlier today or yesterday I think. The point that you could get more and more present and get more life out of life was compelling to me. I think it might potentially be realistic to have a meditation habit even if you're not interested at all. In fact it seems "casual" meditation is the norm. 

I'll continue on this exact technique. I tend to want to try stuff out and experiment but it's better to stick to something in order to get contrast. I don't really remember or can tell the effects of any particular one.

I'm so tired.

[Phrae]

Peoples. Yes. <some random shit honestly>
EHHH

Okay this is starting differently today. I just got past the first phase of my final exams. FYI, I'm majoring in Computer Science. Apparently I'm good at computers, but I'm actually not. That's just very abstract. I was looking up tutorials and doing random shit. I'm lying here. I don't know what I was doing actually. I don't care anymore. I don't know why I'm doing with this. It's that I see it on the same pedestal as everything else, so, why not?

It's quite open that I don't know what I'm doing to other people. The first response I get from people is why I'm doing Computer Science then. It strikes me really fucking funny. I should perhaps say I don't know what I'm doing as much as you don't know and you're underestimating what you don't know. Yeah, I think that's pretty good. I need a stable and assertive eye contact for perfect deliver. I wish I were really good at talking. I'm always fascinated by the OMG moments in my imagination of delivering perfect retorts and extremely lengthy argument with perfection. I don't think they really take it seriously. It's quite rare for me to see a wise person. I choose the word wise because it's not about smarts. It's not about current circumstances. I'm not sure if I'm wise though. My friends seem to think that. I'm just fucking awkward and quiet most of the times. It's actually quite insidious how I easily give up explaining things. It's like it's more comfortable for me to just continue being awkward rather than go on talking. I don't really remember talking to people that much in my life. It was very hectic to me. Somehow right now I sort of don't have limitations on what's possible because I don't really know. Maybe it's a benefit to not know how to talk until very late because it would dispose talking to a more critical attitude. I don't know.

Speculation. What is this? I do this a lot. "We" do this a lot I guess, but when people do this technically what is it called? Philosophy? I think the first response I want to give to someone uttering these combinations of letters is WHAT THE FUCK IS PHILOSOPHY. I've got a book shipping to me that is presumably a good introduction on any one who's aspiring to be a philosopher. I think I more want to know what the fuck it is rather than do philosophy. At this point of writing, it sounds to me like a masturbatory activity (thanks LEO). Yeah I went through a couple posts online. I was really frustrated that it wasn't clear still. I don't think I went that deeply to be honest. Just check the wiki page, it makes me feel horrible. 

I think examining what you don't know really opens avenues for understanding. I don't know about exact research or study techniques. I don't even want to say it makes sense. I think you reveal what you don't know. You get a "conscious hit" into emptiness (Yep, I'm absolutely influenced by Enlightenment. Thank you) It kind feels like a vessel is revealed that can now be filled. If you wanna know things then reveal what you don't know as you are knowing. Do both ends of the spectrum. I think practicing talking or writing while doing that is a side benefits (can be swapped if you want).

What is revealed here? That I want to practice talking. I was talking to my self earlier in the car. Honestly I'd talk to myself all the time if I could make people not watch by altering their perception if they watched me. I'm quite obsessed with progression. I think that attitude doesn't extend that much to meditating that much though. It's a lot the product of wanting to get away of things people force me to do and also wanting to make a positive influence. It's a convincing activity. It reveals flaws in your demands. I can be manipulative about it and learn the different aspect of it. Some people might get regular practice from it, but I think most of the times they're in stagnation. Stagnation is a king to regression maybe. I still want to push it beyond 9 thousand if I can.

What the fuck am I writing? I don't know lol. I'm comfortable with that it seems. 

Posture:
I've got it pretty bad here. I'm quite laid back on my chair right now. For some reason I can't do any strengthening exercises for my abdominals correctly without activating my low back. I've stretched an hour everyday consistently for a period of 3 months. I'm quite confident I can solve the problem if I can actually find a fucking physical therapist that know what the fuck he's doing. It's fucking ridiculous how people are bad at their shit. Yeah I'm complaining about things like gravity. What they did had a cause. It was dictated by law. It's like complaining about gravity. It's not ridiculous that people are bad at their shit. They are bad at their shit. There wasn't any other way around. There is a way to change that? It's confusing to discuss free will. I'm stagnated. lol.

I'm leaving it at there it seems. I'm pretty excited for this new knife I got. Whoops, it's out of stock right now. I've been visualizing slicing onions perfectly instead of some porno. Pretty decent I'd say. So I guess that's how things are. Perhaps I only need to know what I need to do in that day only and be meditating.

topics:
2 levels of going meta.

Insights:
--I should perhaps say I don't know what I'm doing as much as you don't know and you're underestimating what you don't know a lot.

 

[Phrae]

Talking and Enlightenment constituents issue:

I think it's sticking today because of the contrast I had. I haven't gone out with my friends in a while and I started feeling more awkward talking to people in my university. I was thinking that I was getting rusty because I'm focusing on other things but I don't think that's an accurate way to put it. It was more that I was concerned about other things, things very far from your normal conversation. The question of what I should do with my life is not the easiest point to start from. I've spent a long time with one of my friends and after a while it started to get going. It was so simple. I was kind of surprised, but I shouldn't be perhaps. We're talking about things that we examined through the news. Videos we watched. Opinions that were had and what we thought in response. It was mere relaying of the inside of our minds about something typical. That's the entire point. Find something typical and not so radical opinion of it. Of course this is regular casual conversation. It's not something that you necessarily want to have as the set point for someone. I think if you're self actualization you should be thinking about moving things forward. Examining your opinions. Apparently I'm calling this the first level of going meta. The second level consists of the realization of the illusory nature of duality, that nothing we say it is.

So here's the paradigm. It starts with typical opinion about typical things. Then an examination of that opinion and the opinion of the opinion and so in. Then we examine whether any argument is valid at all in the first place. I seem to have made the mistake of jumping to the second meta quite casually. I always reminded myself of the emptiness of any meaning when I tried to go through the first stage. That meant seeing invalidity of having an opinion and not caring to get into what I though about my situation. I told myself how that doesn't matter. I don't think I have a right to that. Just because I have some ideas that a person told me about the nature of duality doesn't permit to act as though I believe it. Ken Wilber mentions there is no difference before and after satori at all. The only difference is that the body mind now knows it. The body mind of mine doesn't know it, but I already know it. 

Basically I'm making myself more awkward when I'm not having an opinion because I think having an opinion is meaningless. What about the meaninglessness in the thought of having an opinion as meaningless. That is pretty fucking valid. I can engage in low conscious behavior and do what other people around me are doing. I just need to realize that's not the goal for me. I am here with sharp awareness and all I'm going to do is witness. If emptiness is there then I have to see it. I'm not taking it on faith. Fuck taking it on faith. 

So enjoy. Enjoy talking about stupid shit. Just be certain that when push comes to shove you're going to reveal what you don't know. With the belief that it's not more than any other person. They just don't know it. It doesn't make you have to pretend awkwardness in order to lessen the severity of what you are saying. Fuck that. I do guilt myself quite a lot whenever I'm shallow. I'm doing that at the expense of learning how to be normal. It might be a good idea for another person to guilt themselves about the shallowness in their daily life to get them doing something different, but to me, I need to stop reminding myself of the shallowness to actually get going. The shallowness of the belief of shallowness is also valid from the second meta perspective.

I probably should write this 10 times again if I want to get "decently" clear about this. It's not clear at all here. I love doing a lot of digestion compared to devouring. Devouring is not a good strategy for learning. I can tell you the hours of videos I watched that I can't tell you a single sentence about. I want to grow and I'm looking into the best possible method available to me. That's all that matters. I'm an upward trajectory. Everything in the way is there to maneuver around or completely destroy. Regardless if it's satori or not.

I am not quite fixated in that opinion though. I've read a lot posts than I usually read on this forum today. I found out how prevalent Spiral Dynamics is. It is actually fucking subsumed. It's quite ridiculous that you assume that others know it as well. Is that part of being a certain stage as well. I'm very very very very fucking curious about it now. It's quite funny how you can reach a "ready" point to somethings. A month ago I was thinking about how I "had" to read Ken Wilber's books in Leo's book list. Right now I feel like I made a mistake of not ordering it. I say I'm ready because I'm seriously considering Enlightenment and Life Purpose at the same time. Life Purpose doesn't necessarily identify as a specific quadrant on the four quadrants but it can be a road to emotional well being. I'd rather call it emotional mastery. Well being sounds like coping out. Road to getting out of problems rather than seeing them for what they are.

If I'm quite frustrated I ONLY NEED TO BE AWARE OF THAT. That is a very calming thought. I do feel hippie for getting back to meditation. I was resisting it to be honest. I quit gaming in an instant. Why? Because I was thinking about where it was going, what I wanted in my life and how this is not it. I am getting back to meditation in an instant. Why? Because I was thinking where I was going, what I wanted in my life, and how this might be it. I cannot change what body mind is. I can only rest in what I am.

I'll probably look at this as bullshit, or perhaps at some point bullshit stop beings bullshit and just starts being wrong. This will be wrong, very very wrong at some point. I know I will bring this into clarity. That excites me. I know that whatever I end up doing I only need to be aware. If awareness really is not volitional maybe I'm using it to get deeper into my neurotic attitude. It doesn't discriminate. If I'm going to choose to not be aware of awareness it's not going to complain. It cannot complain. If I want to delve into the depths of neuroses with it then it will give it self away willingly. It always gives itself away. Sounds like trying to beautify this shit. I'm quite unqualified. My body mind doesn't have the belief of satori.

topics:
meaninglessness of the view of meaninglessness. The non-meaning of non-meaning.

Insights:
--3 possible stages when talking.
--I ONLY NEED TO BE AWARE
--meaninglessness of the view of meaninglessness, basically I'm making myself more awkward when I'm not having an opinion because I think having an opinion is meaningless
--Taking the fruits of somebody else's Enlightenment work is a fucking pussy move. You cannot change your behavior because of somebody else's truths. That's as good as religious dogma.

Wondering:
life purpose >emotional well being?
the non-volitionality of awarenss
how does it exactly go? everything.

[Phrae]

God.

I had a pretty interesting conversation with my family. I think I have quite more calmness than most atheists. Probably the result of being exposed to Leo and Enlightenment stuff. I don't feel very ready about talking about my atheism. I can talk about it definitely, but I don't want to end up entrenching the person I'm talking to deeper into their beliefs. I do take the words "nothing is true" quite literally. I don't know why I do that. Leo told me that you can't prove anything. I believed it. I still believe it. I have some ideas of how I'm going to reach that if I think for myself. I'm not comfortable pushing my "beliefs" about the non-existence of something because I can't prove it. How do I know there is no god? Because I don't have enough evidence and I've decided to believe that.

I think atheists generally don't like to look at their non-belief as another belief. Counter intuitively, I think having this kind of attitude, if developed correctly, can have a more powerful impact. I merely need to imprint an attitude of questioning. That has to be appealing I think. There are 2 reasons you're a theists. You like god and fear him, or a combination of one without the other. People usually don't want their pristine majestic thought of god to be gone. It's sad. People don't want to feel sad. I need to give them a reason to want to feel the sadness because there is something better at the other end. I'm not in a quest for atheism, but if I see at some point that someone needs a skeptical attitude to push at what they want to accomplish in life, I want to be ready to offer my service.

I understand theism. I can easily imagine programming being installed. I've been quite the naturalist when I was a kid. When I was a kid I would think of how I might've possibly been different. A lot of kids go through this. I don't remember what it's called. What if I were raised in a different place? I would have a completely different attitude and personality. I don't think that extended to god. I did empathize with Christians. They were raised in a different place how was it fair that they would go to hell. I was never satisfied with that decision. I did a lot of thinking about how god thinks. Apparently the more you tried to understand why somethings are dictated it's because he's a mysterious guy. Every attempt to justify his actions is a step deeper into his majestic display. Ludicrous. The more you can't explain him the more powerful he is.

Apparently a lot of atheists reach a conclusion of "How could they lie to me? How could they fool me?" What are you talking about? They're fooling themselves. How the fuck are you angry? I do feel quite pissed when people get angry at theists. It's fucking stupid. There were circumstances that led up to that. You're complaining about fucking gravity. But again, isn't complaining about anything like the complaint about gravity? Isn't the belief in physical reality just as unjustifiable? 

Why does this attitude not extend to other things? I seem to have conveniently found a point that I don't get to push my beliefs in other people. In other words, a way to be politically correct without the urge to feel polite. A free ticket to politeness. Yeah that's what it fucking is. I am uncomfortable pushing my beliefs into others because I have found some ideas about Enlightenment. Enlightenment doesn't mind falsehood. "Nothing is wrong in the universe, not even thinking that something is wrong." - Jed McKenna. How fucking dedicated I am to that fucking attitude? I should be okay with pushing my own self agenda. It's not wrong. 

I need to reach some temporary resolution about this. I don't like operating spontaneously. I care about the outcomes around me. The way I change people around me is something important to me. I grow myself 10 times and I like to grow people around me as a bonus. It sounds lame and boring. What am I talking about? Growing in what sense? I think it's being critical and aware of their own attitude. Realize what they really want and question the goals they have and the things they're doing. A lot of my friends play video games. I'm going to be honest and say that it makes me angry. They're not dedicated to self growth as I am. To what self growth? I think I need to come up with an exact definition otherwise I end up in vagueness. Vagueness has a hard time manifesting. You don't know what the fuck you want to manifest so how come you want to manifest it?

Self growth is the increase of awareness and the realization of ones true motives. It is the ability to align your self with your truest motives by the usage of awareness. You do that by questioning what is going on in your life. Why are you doing what you are doing? What do you want here? I've mentioned telling a couple people about me reading books. I can now tell them this. I want to find out what I really want. To question what I'm doing in my life and then use whatever resources available to me to do what I want. If I don't have some resources then the goal becomes cultivating these set of resources.

Topics:
Nothing is true? How? Do you see that? Don't give yourself the benefits of the doubt. Faith is pointless.
Isn't complaining about anything like the complaint about gravity?

Insights:
-- I should be okay with pushing the non-belief belief (no god) because it is not wrong. It is not any more or less wrong than being a theist. (I'm more comfortable with saying that than actually know it. I don't know how everything is the same really.)

[Phrae]

I'm meditating for an hour.

I think it helps with processing something. I probably need to examine this fucking belief cause it's so insidious, or maybe not. It still entails that I have to be meditating 100% correctly and I'm not after a current experience. I am not after a state. I am after a capacity that I can't have now so I don't need to bother with it?

fuck.

[Pelin]

On beliefs,

I was brought up in a Muslim society, my parents didn't care about religion much though. I was so influenced by my peers that I remember I challenged my father and tried to convince him that Islam is the "true way" in high school.

At university, the situation reversed. I was still challenging my father, but having aged, his faith in Islam was stronger now and I had become a non-believer. 

Now, the situation is a lot different. I tell people that I believe in "the universe", like everything in this universe has value and meaning, believers look at me like an atheist, atheists are like what is this new age sh-- you're talking about. I don't care. Islam philosophy does propose insights, so do other belief systems in the world.  I chose not to listen to people, though, and not to talk too much about belief because it is so personal that one word "god" has a completely different meaning and connotation to everyone in this world. And people do like asking about your religion. I just give vague answers and it is the end of conversation.

[Phrae]

@Pelin I think there are very few people that I would talk about this. I am in Islamic country and it's just assumed that you believe it. If the conversation about belief starts it would be because I initiated it. I'd initiate if I see value in doing that.

I'm curious about being asked what my beliefs are. I do think I'm going to be repulsed at "what is this new age sh--". I would rather be honest. I don't like myself when I lie. I would rather explain it honestly. In a sense any time you lie you "bend" yourself. You're implicitly telling yourself my views don't matter. It's better to be polite and not piss them off. Why hide your authentic self for the sake of them? I think I would lie about my faith right now. I would need to achieve my financial independence to be as careless as I want to be. Careless being another word for being me.

[Phrae]

I'm not like before.

Talking to myself paid of, big fucking time. I am different. I am not like before. I like that. I love that. I enjoy the thought of that. Fuck the Enlightenment thing if it's not gonna let me feel those thoughts. I need to bring myself back to well being. I noticed how my attitude about Enlightenment is destroying me. Do I have to stop feeling good about myself to be Enlightened? I DON'T THINK SO. I think it will help. I want to proceed from a place of love to truth. My body mind will love it. Because it is what makes it be. Without it there isn't anything.

I might get my self feeling bad because I don't like how I'm displaying my body language, how I'm saying what I'm saying, but I'm forgetting something. Who is it that has the capacity to imagine that ideal? This ideal didn't exist before for me. It is I that owns it right now. How do you cultivate profound healthy self love? How do you do it while understanding all the hate you get from people who don't love them the same?

I want to work very hard. I want to get what I want. I want to accomplish and do things. Am I lying here? I am asking the question with total acceptance of the liar. I can look at the reasons of the lies. I become that which reveals his own lies. I don't have to stop lying. I have to cultivate a reflex of revealing whatever was going on. Do that over and over again until it becomes a habit. A principle. I am a liar who reveals his own lies. That's on the same scale as honesty to me. It is higher for me. It is willing to tell itself it's wrong after saying it's write. It's taking some shame and then turning away from that shame by 100% dedication to reveal falsehood. 

When you meditate. You don't need to not wrong, to not mistake an object for reality itself. You merely need to have an intent for revealing your lies and embrace that as a principle. If you can do that then the illusion will be revealed. That's it.

What do I want? I feel ease asking this question. I trust myself to be very clear on that. Very fucking clear. I am not worried of getting it wrong. What is it that I fucking want? It doesn't matter. It matters that I know and I discover my intent. If it is truly what I want the effort to do is going to come with it. Reveal your depth. 

I am worried about following through. Why am I worried? I am afraid that I'm going to stop after failing to find things at a set of avenues. I've already failed at fixing my posture. It's a weird situation with that. I actually can't believe how I can't solve it. I've spent hours watching videos about stretching and strengthening techniques. I might wanna go somewhere and solve this situation. I think I should think of it as postponement. Honestly I'm at the edge of opening a stretching video on the next tab. It wouldn't be a wise decision. I would be a bad strategist if I did that. I would require studying what the therapists know in order to know how to asses and solve my muscular imbalance. My goal in life is not to become a fucking therapist. I will delegate that. 

Insight:
--Honesty is fucking beautiful.

[Phrae]

I'll be reading Getting Things Done. It's been sitting on my bookshelf. Apparently the ready signal was this:

"Have a non-neurotic attitude about accomplishing things, and wonder how much is realistic to work for. How much is pushing yourself to the edge and how much is breaking yourself."

[Phrae]

Hour.

I was infuriated earlier. I usually get infuriated when that situation happens. Basically I am not leaving when I wanted to leave. I've literally sat and played a card game for over an hour when every second I didn't want to. I felt suffocated it. It's obvious. I'm more comfortable not saying I want to leave and go through awkwardness than stay suffocated for over an hour. I really didn't want to sit. Is that fucking true? If you truly didn't want something you would be doing it. When you do something it is because YOU want it.

I don't know how that fury was gone. I am forcing myself to care that it was gone and force myself to be sad about it. It doesn't make me want to deal with my ability to respond to the same situation afterwards. I right now find writing this kind of a slug. An hour ago I would've slammed the keyboard effortlessly. I need to bring clarity about the situation. Why was it okay with me to sit there and not go through the awkward phase of cutting somebody off and saying I have to go? BECAUSE I'M AFRAID MY REASON IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH. FUCK. FUCK. I am not angry at all here... I am trying to but I can't. Is it cause I've been meditating this week? I don't know. Is it because I know I can resolve this RIGHT NOW? Let me try.

Why did I not want to leave? I don't like when people don't find the reasons I give them sufficient enough to justify not hanging out with them. Imagine this, you pass by a group of friends, a shallow group of friends that you haven't seen in a long time. They say hi to you and you see quite clearly they're going to hold you for at least 30 mins and talk about random stuff. You want to leave, but you know these kinds of friends in particular feel insecure when somebody shuns them off. In particular, a society with "tight" social circles give it's members the privilege to hold other members accountable for not being part of the group. Imagine a group of friends you hung out with everyday, suddenly you start hanging out less and less. Do they give a fuck about your reasons? If they're the type of people to casually hang our with others then most likely not a single fuck will be given. You will in fact be perceived as the GUILTY one on this. You're the one who's changing. You're not investing in the group as they're investing. They don't fucking like it. Ummm, why would I hang out with you? What are you doing exactly? I immediately imagine an insecure SURPRISED look at you. I COULD'VE GONE THAT ROUTE. THAT ROUTE WAS ALWAYS FUCKING AVAILABLE. The consequences of that are severe. I don't know why I'm afraid of that. 

Why do I not do that? When a group stops me, why do I not ask them "ummm, why did you stop me exactly? What kind of result were you hoping to get? I'm going to leave now. I don't have time." Of course you don't pick and choose. You can't immediately stop being with one friend because another more resourceful friend has passed by and now you want to go sit and talk resourcefully with him. Or maybe you can, if you're fine with being perceived as an ass. 

Ow man how many things do I not do to not be perceived as an ass? Way too fucking many. If I were to be honest all the time it would be quite uncomfortable for others and me as a result. For example if I were to ask my uncles why they got married? Why didn't they strive for something in life? What fucking response I'm going to get? They're in protective mode. I don't know if not sharing what's in your mind dishonesty. It probably is not. It makes me awkward though. There is clearly something else in my head and I'm clearly in my head. Let it out? Really? What about "respect"? Oh man that word. That's the most disgusting word in the English language.

Oh let me respect the elderly and allow them to not be held accountable for the results they got in their life. It's uncomfortable when we strive for something more than them, so let's be respectful and not talk about that with them. That's probably why I didn't love my grandmother at all. I saw how things are off. I am always thinking about these things and you're not allowed to. You'll be seen as disrespectful. Oh why you don't love your grandmother? Ow man you're so morbid. How can you not love your grandmother? She's been nothing but nice to you. Maybe because I see people insecurities right at the forefront. 

It's been programmed in to me to control myself in every possible way. I PROGRAMMED MYSELF. I ALLOWED IT. When a conversation starts with anybody every asset I have is at their insecurities. I haven't met a person that's not going to be offended by my honest opinion of him. I think very few people in life can stand that. We have fucked everybody basically. We've made everybody dependent!

I think I could talk about this for hours. What is it relevant here? Statement. Finding insights that are going to make me handle social interactions that I want to leave without damaging social status and not being perceived as an ass. I feel like that sentence was like asking how do I fire a gun at somebody without killing them. Ridiculous. I somehow think I can get away with not being an ass and still do my shit. I need to bring it to the forefront if that's not possible.

Again. Explaining the situation. People in societies with "tight" social circles are allowed to hold other people accountable for not participating in social activities. These range from the simple greetings, to travelling with somebody. People are pressured less in "broader" societies and are not allowed as much to hold other people accountable. 

In the former it is perceived that you're being rude for not participating. In the latter it's seen as rude to ask why the fuck YOU DIDN'T HUNG OUT. I'll be talking about the former as we go on. When you're engaging in a social activity an accountability is being established for further continuing this in the future. Expectation is held that you're going to do more. WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT? I don't know anymore. What exactly is it that you don't know? If you knew, what would it be? If you had an understanding, what would that be? 

I am uncomfortable pushing my own agenda. I do not feel like it's okay for me to hang out once a week with people that hang out everyday. I do not feel comfortable being okay with that. I feel like to a group, that's a signal of allowance to sever friendship. It's also not seen as my fault in a "tight" social circle. 

I feel tense talking about this. My ears are red (usually red when anxious). How do I resolve not knowing what I should be doing? Should I just say no?
I think this is definitely so important. It is the only reason I'm ever anxious lol. I guess putting it that way showcases the importance.

 

[Phrae]

I've been meditating consistently. No Fap day 8. I feel like I can go pretty long. I've been having a different attitude than before. 

I just finished my finals today. I've studied surprisingly more than I expected. I was quite aware of myself when I was studying. I think I stopped myself of getting in my own way. I knew that there is conclusory reason that I should not study well. When I get these extra 2-3 hours per day what is it for? I'm not sure if I can invest in something with better pay off. That's probably not a good thing.

I am sure one thing I want to do is make sure that I find what I want or do something that I think is very very relevant. It does feel like I could get a lot of shit progressing by sheer execution. I think if I remind myself that doing can potentially give me insight into the correct course of action. 

I've been having qualms about delegating/delaying posture correction. I think it is justifiable relaxation time. I don't know what the logistics are supposed to look. I haven't read any more of GTD since studying for my finals. I don't know what action towards insight and understanding is. I do feel kind of angry for Leo not sharing examples of his day routine. I wonder what he mean by "developing insight into themselves" How does he do that? I think he mention it in his life purpose course(maybe I should continue that). I think I kind of don't know the spectrum of possible things. I am afraid I'll "cherry pick" my life purpose.

So basically it's this shit:
-some ideas about fixing my diet. I don't eat fast food. I am quiet easily avoiding "bad" food because I think I've been doing "awareness" while eating just coincidentally I think. I literally just need exact recipes and the exact steps that I need to take to make them. I don't know how to cook. I want to choose a realistic set of meals that I can choose from. This is a logistical problem.
-My posture needs to be fixed. I can follow through on correction protocols (even 2 hour daily). I didn't work on this because I don't think the diagnosis I got is correct. It's not even a "plateau". I am not pursuing mastery over this. I just want something that works. It's the same difference between following exercise guidelines and knowing why. I guess I should perhaps have more than some idea of what it means to have a human body.

A lot of these things I am sure I can continue doing consistently just if I do a few things right. I'm clear enough on my reasons to easily make the shift. I've probably visualized myself eating and having correct posture that it would be effortless to follow through on that. 

I'll think about this.

Insight:
-- To change some external results. Ask questions. Why is the particular behavior this way? What is everything that surrounds it? Examine things you've taken for granted.

[Phrae]

Ow man.

I tried to sleep with a correct position today. On my back. It's called stretch laying. I think it is the best for people with rounded shoulders. I did not sleep. I felt as though I was meditating. I resisted so many movement. I think the only time I've slept like that was infancy. I always snuggle and round my arms. I spent 8 and a half hours on bed. I was getting so so restless at the end. It was supposed to be 9 hours. 

I knew that it's going to take something like that to REALLY once and for all change my sleeping position to something resourceful in my life. I was very very calm. I felt the same as I did when I did strong meditation sitting. I don't think I had increased awareness. I was so restless. I had a conviction at the same time that I still carried it through. I am very very confident I can do the same thing again today. 

I broke myself yesterday. I slept again at the middle of the day for 6 hours completely bad position. My ego was fucking crying. I think it was a weeping fucking dog that was crying over nothing. I am kind of putting up with it like I'm putting up with a kids demands. You don't hear it. I was okay with it and at the same time not. As long as I hold a conviction it doesn't matter.

[Phrae]

I just wrote a whole shebang about my porn addiction that I'm not going to share. Yeah I'm being honest. Got a problem?

I've been noticing the misalignment of the activity with my ideal, or even current, character. I just feel like it is a neutral falsehood. There is no emotion pertinent to it. I'd like to leave it because it doesn't align.

Haven't been feeling the best feelings. That was just an evasive way of not wanting to look deeply at how I felt. 

Meditation:
I feel meditation is stagnating. I'm restored to where I was 7 months ago. I don't know about how long the benefits develop. My intent is really breaking though. I sit to meditate and I just think about stuff. I understand it is not my choice to be aware, but it is my choice to make the knowledge graph orients itself toward knowing it's nature. Another words for doing something that would increase my likeliness of being aware. Increasing my desire for it without any particular expectation feels like an effective idea.

I don't like the idea of committing to a period of time to meditate and letting that go. I need a commitment to an attitude. That when I sit there I'm 100% for being aware. Nothing else counts and at the same time it not counting shouldn't matter. Tall order?

People:
I've noticed myself not being forceful about opinion. I am quite subservient in a conversation. When I'm talking to more confident people I'm scared. When I'm talking to less confident people, people that seem to be hurt by difference opinion, I don't divulge my shit. I'm not being honest. I don't talk things through. 

I need to change myself image. How am I going to do that? I'm reading The Charsima Myth and I'm impressed. Even though it might sound like a shallow thing, I kind of feel that self-actualization has charisma. The author talks about the importance of presence and mentions how to deal with anxiety by stepping into it. She has in the recommendation part books about mindfulness. I think that whenever I see that it's a green signal to me. I haven't done shit though. I've just read. 

I did get my grades today. I did better than expected! I was expected 2.8-2.9 GPA but I got 3.08. I've got pretty much no worries at all. I can continue the next semester the same if I want to. It's going to be pretty easy to finish my degree. Pretty easy to live a normal life. That scares me. Or does it really? I actually feel very safe about it. I enjoy that comfort. The only reason I wouldn't is because I'm logically not convinced. I'd have to change how I feel and really examine my shit.

There is no push. I don't feel an issue is being really resolve. My feet is in spring waters. It's not near any fucking fire. I do feel comfortable with that. I know I'll have to change something in order to achieve results. 

Stunt. What the fuck am I doing? It's gotten to the point where I'm desperate to know rather than desperate to deny that I don't know. It's better. I guess that's uncertainty for ya.

[Phrae]

Apparently there are these three things that are similar to each other. I just made a discovery. It's kind of stupid that I didn't look in that kind of way. I guess that's what happens when you're desperate. I have a conviction I think rather than a desperation. It's just impossible not to fix my posture. I've done things that are much harder than a corrective protocol. 

Integral Theory:
So I've read a couple of pages of Ken Wilber stuff. Pretty interesting. I didn't get to the point to see how having this map is actually useful. What does it imply about progress? States of consciousness could be accessed as states at whatever level because they are ever present. For stages you require long steady practice. I wonder about the shit Mal and Charlie were talking about. I've been wanting to read this ever since a couple of posts from Mal and other people. "I prefer taking an integral approach" What the fuck does that actually mean? Can you actually say that bullshit with a straight face? Aren't you fucking cowering over your weakness to not pursue shit? Imbecile.

My meditation is still stalled. Definitely killing my motivation for it. I think this will be a long ass plateau. I understand that there can be plateaus, but I wanna make sure it's a phase not a place of residence. Maybe a positive is that I'm restless, which could make meditation harder and it having higher benefits? I don't fucking know what qualify as benefits or doesn't.

I was supposed to see a Chiropractic yesterday. I want to murder her if she doesn't know her shit. Yeah. Fuck. THIS SHIT.

[Phrae]

I want to drown. I want to be so deeply isolated. I'm sure I would stop wanting that after a couple of seconds.

I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how anyone can know that. I am angry.

What the fuck is happening. I spent the whole day doing nothing. 

I want to die alive. I really want that. Do I?

Am I eccentric? What the fuck does that mean?

Hume fascinates me. He must've been a delightful presence.

Philosophy is relevant to study. As much as you might not be able to find the ultimate answer. It is something you use to flip all the tables.

[Phrae]

Is it happening again or something is turning up. I feel looked in the way, when I don't want to be looked at fucking all. 

I am being evasive. I don't know what is happening this time. I know that I should dedicate all my time to something. I don't like being bad at anything. Hobbies. I don't fucking need. I don't enjoy the thought that someone is better than me. Am I jealous? You could say. I don't have a problem with the feeling. I have a problem with the price I have to pay to get rid of it. Time. The grand illusion.

Where am I going? Someplace to thrive? I do want to thrive. That's what's me pursuing enlightenment is about. Thriving at everything that I do, like an obsession. Is it unique? Unless we have good feelings about being casuals. I don't suspect it is. I am not a casual. I am so not a casual. Perhaps that's why I suffer? I believe I'm supposed to be someway that I'm not? Isn't that why anybody feels inferior? Cause they think they should be different than what they exactly are.

I do feel this is different already. Am I gonna say the break was worth it? I just did.

I can't take getting better out of the pursuit of enlightenment. Taking it out would be getting better. Whatever I do would be getting better. What the FUCK. So it was video games again, Overwatch. I want to watch the cinematic. I was so obsessed that I didn't, and that goes for many things with it. I stopped meditating. Leaning towards McKenna is not the healthiest thing to your meditation. Or perhaps it was an incorrect leaning towards an correct explanation of incorrectness. I don't fucking know? Do I?

What do I want? What do I want? What do I want? What do I want? What should I do? What should I do? I should figure this shit out. That's the most meaningful I could do. The thing that I'm going to regret not figuring out. I wouldn't regret it if I don't find an answer, funny thing about it.

Am I self-actualizing? I hate that term. I am just trying to understand. That's all that I've been doing. I'm so attached to it it seems. What would a self-actualized person be like? Ethical? By what? How? Following biased human standards? As though they're somehow superior. It's ethical only with regards to feelings.

What am I doing then? Gaining the ability to prattle about this shit. And I fucking love it.

I should read biographies. I like being inside people's head. I love doing that. I don't like hearing techniques as much as knowing the certainty of what a successful person would do in this situation. That is so far more powerful. I haven't allowed myself until now.

[Phrae]

I guess I'm gonna finish Leo's Life Purpose Course. (my Evernote was stamped 21st Dec 2016)

This whole shebang of shit was written cause priorities were not clear. I have no idea what's written up there.

This thing has to be above all other things 10 times over. What is it?

I fucked myself with Jed McKenna's material. It wasn't a perspective. I just believed him.

I am having more resistance to doing this stuff cause I'm writing about it. I guess I'll be done by the end of JAN. I promise.

[Phrae]

Alright, I'm starting the value assessment and strength assessment again.

I will complete them and then checkout my previous year lists/definitions to compare and get them accurately.

I will do the life purpose part tomorrow which I was scared to do last time.

I'm pretty scared right now though. I don't know if I'll get through today or tomorrow. I am fairly confident that I will.