I still don't know what i want

[Yonkon]

Hey guys,

It's quite frustrating. After years of thinking and pondering, of taking the life purpose course, of contemplating and meditating i still don't know what i really want out of life. 

Sure, i want to be happy. But what does that mean, what do i want CONCRETELY? I can't formulate my top goal without sounding fake to myself. "Make 10k passive income" "become enlightened" "get super healthy". I mean yes of course i want that, but not really.. It feels like all of those goals are something i "should" achieve. I got those goals handed from society, from actualized.org, from self help books and gurus.. But not one goal feels like MY goal, my authentic goal that I really want to achieve.

It feels confusing and crazy scary. What the hell am i going to do with my life? I wanted to become a great musician, a davinci esque artist. Someone who creates mindblowing art. But more and more i come to realize that these are just grand compensations. I feel insecure and worthless, i feel not enough. I try to become superman because my dick is tiny. And all my ambitions, all my goals are motivated through that lense. To show how good i am, to show that i am better than other people. 

I don't want that anymore, that's what i want!

This was super rambly but i had to get that out. 

Anyway, can anybody relate to this? Has anybody overcome a similar situation and can give some guidance?

 

[Shin]

Hi ?

I think what you should do now, is being ok with not knowing what you will do in your life.

Being ok with not knowing in general.

Of course you want to have a direction in life, but I think that will come naturally once you're at ease with being just as you are right now ?

Those feelings of worthlessness and insecurity, thoses are to dealt with now with care, cause they obstruct your capacity to be genuine about your purpose in this life.

Once those are no more, it should be way easier to find what you want to do ?

 

Edited January 6, 2020 by Shin

[K VIL]

Hard day, Yonkon? It's ok to sound fake for awhile. 

If you'd rather not set a goal then try letting go of goals. Instead of attaining more, let go more.

you'll find your way. 

[Yonkon]

@Shin thank you, this is good advice. Being ok with not knowing and uncertainty sounds exactly like something i need right now

What, in your opinion, is the best way to deal with those kind of emotions? I work with the Sedona method and the work of byron katie. This mostly works effective.

 

@K VIL actually i had a good day when i wrote this, because this insight was freeing me in some way. But a lot of anger came with that realization, so i had to blow of some steam.

Letting go of goals, how spiritual and awesome is that! Sounds hard tho, any advice how?

 

[UDT]

Are you healthy and fit?
If youre not, start there to clear your mind. 

[Shin]

27 minutes ago, Yonkon said:

@Shin thank you, this is good advice. Being ok with not knowing and uncertainty sounds exactly like something i need right now

What, in your opinion, is the best way to deal with those kind of emotions? I work with the Sedona method and the work of byron katie. This mostly works effective.

 

@K VIL actually i had a good day when i wrote this, because this insight was freeing me in some way. But a lot of anger came with that realization, so i had to blow of some steam.

Letting go of goals, how spiritual and awesome is that! Sounds hard tho, any advice how?

 

What worked for me was to be constantly present, so to focus my attention on the present moment, until becomes second nature (24/24 7/7).

Anxiety is when you think too much of the futur, depression/sadness is when you think too much of the past.

Peace is when you are present ?

(Present does not mean not thinking, it means being conscious of the present moment)

[Yonkon]

@UDT i am relatively healthy and fit. I'm skinny and sometimes i eat garbage but most of the time i feel energetic and clear. Yoga and Bioenergetics helps a lot with that. I started to lift weights but then the exact same problem appears: I don't give a fuck if i have muscles, i just want to be admired. I want to be sexy so i don't have to feel like a lesser human. No intrinsic motivation, only insecurity and shame. 

[Yonkon]

@Shin Yes, great technique. I get the feeling that when i'm always present, i am missing something. My thoughts: 

"When i stop thinking and planning, what will happen to my life? I will never figure things out. I have to think, otherwise there is no progress, no solution."

Feels like an addiction. And probably limiting beliefs? Very interesting.  Thanks!

[Shin]

6 hours ago, Yonkon said:

@Shin Yes, great technique. I get the feeling that when i'm always present, i am missing something. My thoughts: 

"When i stop thinking and planning, what will happen to my life? I will never figure things out. I have to think, otherwise there is no progress, no solution."

Feels like an addiction. And probably limiting beliefs? Very interesting.  Thanks!

It is an addiction

Let's look at a normal day from a normal person:

 

Wake up
Shower
Breakfast
[Planning the day]
Commute to Job
Work
Lunch
Small Talk
[ ( Work ) ]
Commute to home
Diner
[Planning tomorrow]
Hobbies
Sex
Sleep

 

You only need to think when there is the [ ], and for work, only if it's a highly intellectual work, otherwise you don't really need to think that much, it's pretty much on autopilot unless you're just starting.

Basically, everything you do, you can do it without thinking at all (or very very little), and only twice a day you need to think and plan for later.

Your mind is bullshitting you when it tells you you need to think
In reality what that is, is your fake sense of self sensing its own fakery and basically saying "you can't live without me, DON'T LEAVE ME"

 

Edited January 6, 2020 by Shin

[Toan]

You have a victim mindset and all these responses are all just feeding your ego. 

Dont fucking think about what your life purpose is, just do something.

Go out of that freaking state of thinking.

Thinking, thinking, thinking.

What have you actually done?

You are not at the stage where nothing is interesting any more, that stage fucking exist. 

You misinterpret what is actually meant.

It is your ego that tells you you dont want these things because you are so spiritually evolved because all these things are fucking hard to achieve.

Dont think, just take the route most likely in your interest and go.

Thinking and reflecting is a luxurious problem to have and is a manifestation your ego to stay where you are and not get into the unknown. Ego seeks comfort and you have comfort in your mind space.

Eat shit and dont be a pussy.