Detaching your happiness from women

[electroBeam]

I want to completely and fully detach from women. I want no happiness to come from them. I want a relationship, but I want to be able to break up with someone after 4 years and have 0 suffering.

 

I value my career extremely highly. I probably value my career as much as Sadhguru, the Buddha, Ghandi, etc. 

Living a lifestyle with this level of passion for your career makes your life unstable. Which means the chance of having to break up with your girlfriend/wife is higher then the average person.

In my career, to fully actualize it, I'm always at high risk of having to choose to move countries, work long hours, sometimes get in trouble with the law, and most dangerously, grow at a rapid rate.

This is a problem relationship wise for many reasons. Your girlfriend wants to settle down and not move countries often. Your girlfriend wants you to spend lots of time with them instead of competing for your work. And when you grow rapidly, you tend to grow quicker then your girlfriend which means your values change from your girlfriend which makes you guys grow apart.

Right now I'm at high risk of having to change countries, which is something my current girlfriend is strongly against for family reasons. I could stay in the country I am, but the opportunities here are significantly lower for actualising the mission and life purpose I have. And I'm not even sure it's possible.

I've only had 1 gf before, maybe these points might seem silly, but I've met a lot of women and I really think 95% of them are not into growth, not healthy, and are somewhat toxic, if not completely toxic. Millennials are fucked. And older people are even more. The girl I'm with is the only one that's passionate for growth(not as fast as me though but much better than average), being healthy, and is not toxic. If I break up with her, I do worry there will be regret because she is extremely rare.

Also if I break up with her, I feel a bit sad for making her unhappy. I know that breaking up with her will make her sad and because I care for her, I feel like I'm sort of abandoning my child or a deeply loved sister. She does not have any family members in my current country as she's an international person. And she has friends but I'm currently her best friend.

This shouldn't be an excuse, but I'm significantly handicapped in the dating sphere which is also a source of resistance. It seems much less effort to just try to do my career in my current country and keep my gf. If I am free of her, I do have the opportunity to move to the richest suburbs in los angeles, San Francisco etc. Where high quality women are likely to be.

I could just put up with my career in my current country, but something doesn't feel right about it. I feel like staying here because of fear of loosing my gf is existentially wrong. I feel like I'm delaying an inevitable problem(going to loose her at death why not just loose her now) and I should be in a state where I can let go with no suffering at any time.

what's the best way to train yourself to do this. Has anyone gotten into this state? Is it just continuous mindfulness practice? Is it hard to do? Are there perspectives or ways you could look at this to alleviate the suffering of such a situation?

Should I feel bad for making her sad and abandoning her? Sometimes, this sadness dominates my fear of loosing her. I just don't want to hurt a deeply loved person. If I could set her up with someone else when I break up, I would still have the sadness from loosing her but total sadness would be reduced from not feeling bad about abandoning her.

[Preety_India]

 

Can you explain to me what's exactly the meaning of "high quality women", been hearing this phrase a lot very lately from people especially men.. No idea what it is supposed to mean. 

Never heard it before as much. 

Next thing is my question to you, why would you date a woman in the first place if she weren't high quality in your opinion. 

By high quality do you mean a wealthy woman living in places like Los Angeles? 

 

Anyway coming to the other part of the stuff you're mentioning. I think you should just let her go. By the looks of it doesn't seem you totally love her or you are not really into her, so maybe she can be happier with someone who truly appreciates her for who she is.. Abandoning and hurting her is far better than having her around but at the same time thinking that she is unworthy of you. That will do her significant damage in the long  run unconsciously. 

If you feel like you can get a better woman in life I think it's high time you move on and spare some suffering on both ends, 

So if you think that you guys are going to grow apart anyway because of your work, why not grow apart already. 

My suggestion would be for you to move on and break up with her because clearly she is not the one on your list. Then do what's best for you. What is best for you will also be best for your future partner. 

 

Edited January 5, 2020 by Preety_India

[Eph75]

Oh my, there is so much dysfunction in that post - and the problem isn't your potential girlfriends 

You don't detach from women bringing happiness, you detach from the idea that you need women to be happy so that you can be happy with or without women or relationships. 

Shutting down emotionally so that you can do certain things without having empathy over that situation sounds horrible. 

Just think about it, you want to "use" a woman for a period of time that is suitable for you until you feel like/plan to get out of Dodge - at which point you want to feel... nothing? 

You're wasting another persons time/life, unless you are honest about your lack of intention up front.

Maybe stay away from other than casual relationships until you've settled down? 

You mention others being toxic. What if you are as or even more toxic than those others?

I'm sure that there are women that would be ok with "tagging alone" or even loving globe-trotting. At least for some time. Relationships mature. Children might become a part of the picture. Moving has greater consequences on several people and so on. Seems only fair to state intentions. 

Edited January 5, 2020 by Eph75

[Arcangelo]

Seems to me like you have 2 choices break up with her or tell her: -''Hey I am gonna do this and that and I am gonna move out of the country, you wanna come with me or break up with me? it's your choice.''

Like an ultimatum.

[electroBeam]

@Eph75 I use the word detachment in a Buddhist sense. Detachment means happiness comes from within, you feel emotions and sensations but they do not provide you with happiness, your acceptance of the present moment and your consciousness of what emotions actually are is what the happiness. Instead of being a slave to them you enjoy them. Your definition is more in line with stoicism then Buddhist detachment.

You seem to imply that you think me choosing my career over a woman and wanting to drop them is morally unethical, wrong  and hurtful. Never thought of it that way to be honest, thanks for that. I wonder if it's seen that way in more progressive places like Low angeles. It certainly wasn't the last time I went there.

@Preety_India

I don't know how others use it, but high quality is just women who have less dysfunctions and are easier to manage in a relationship. They tend to be independent(progressive), healthy feminists(whether they proclaim it or not) relaxed and chilled, are confident in themselves and are open minded and have a desire to try new things, drop their deeply held beliefs, for the sake of growing themselves into a better person and making themselves, and the world, happier.

Edited January 5, 2020 by electroBeam

[Eph75]

Detachment/happiness - we mean the same thing, the end result is the same  if it comes from within due to circumstances that involve a relationship that enhances that inner feeling of happiness, that's still a part of that happiness. But yes, stoicism is angling it towards mastery of emotions, i.e. detachment from the emotions allows you to not be a slave under them. 

I just want to be clear that I'm not saying that you should give up your drive, pursuit, dream just because a woman doesn't want to follow/be part of it. You should absolutely chase your dream if that's what you need to do. But there are people and dreams at both sides, stating your intentions up front or as they progress allows for choice.  There's likely to be suffering regardless but at least it won't come out at somewhat deceptive. 

Edited January 5, 2020 by Eph75

[ADD]

Just do what feels the right thing to do. Listen to your intuition and make your choice when you are conscious, not when you are lost in your story.

From the suffering part, the first breakups are the hardest. It gets easier after that. What makes you suffer the most is the inability to be happy by yourself. But even if you are happy by yourself you will be sad after the breakup and i encourage you to feel that sadness if you end up breaking up with her. Avoiding the feelings makes you suffer more. Just try not to get lost in to the sad story your mind tells you.

I think you already understand that detachment from your thoughts wont make you numb to feelings, you just can avoid the unnecessary suffering created by your mind.

Good luck.

[Preety_India]

24 minutes ago, electroBeam said:

@Eph75 

@Preety_India

I don't know how others use it, but high quality is just women who have less dysfunctions and are easier to manage in a relationship. They tend to be independent(progressive), healthy feminists(whether they proclaim it or not) relaxed and chilled, are confident in themselves and are open minded and have a desire to try new things, drop their deeply held beliefs, for the sake of growing themselves into a better person and making themselves, and the world, happier.

That's a good thing you are looking for. If a woman is toxic to you then you should move on, as simple as that.. You have to be with a woman who can jive with your goals. Basically what you are saying is nothing but a definition of a healthy woman. A non toxic woman. And that's a rare thing to find. But you will eventually find that if you're more upfront about your intentions in a relationship. You are less likely to be stuck in bad relationships if you're more open about what you really want and decide not to settle for anything less than that. 

[Meetjoeblack]

On 05/01/2020 at 3:57 PM, electroBeam said:

I want to completely and fully detach from women. I want no happiness to come from them. I want a relationship, but I want to be able to break up with someone after 4 years and have 0 suffering.

 

I value my career extremely highly. I probably value my career as much as Sadhguru, the Buddha, Ghandi, etc. 

Living a lifestyle with this level of passion for your career makes your life unstable. Which means the chance of having to break up with your girlfriend/wife is higher then the average person.

In my career, to fully actualize it, I'm always at high risk of having to choose to move countries, work long hours, sometimes get in trouble with the law, and most dangerously, grow at a rapid rate.

This is a problem relationship wise for many reasons. Your girlfriend wants to settle down and not move countries often. Your girlfriend wants you to spend lots of time with them instead of competing for your work. And when you grow rapidly, you tend to grow quicker then your girlfriend which means your values change from your girlfriend which makes you guys grow apart.

Right now I'm at high risk of having to change countries, which is something my current girlfriend is strongly against for family reasons. I could stay in the country I am, but the opportunities here are significantly lower for actualising the mission and life purpose I have. And I'm not even sure it's possible.

I've only had 1 gf before, maybe these points might seem silly, but I've met a lot of women and I really think 95% of them are not into growth, not healthy, and are somewhat toxic, if not completely toxic. Millennials are fucked. And older people are even more. The girl I'm with is the only one that's passionate for growth(not as fast as me though but much better than average), being healthy, and is not toxic. If I break up with her, I do worry there will be regret because she is extremely rare.

Also if I break up with her, I feel a bit sad for making her unhappy. I know that breaking up with her will make her sad and because I care for her, I feel like I'm sort of abandoning my child or a deeply loved sister. She does not have any family members in my current country as she's an international person. And she has friends but I'm currently her best friend.

This shouldn't be an excuse, but I'm significantly handicapped in the dating sphere which is also a source of resistance. It seems much less effort to just try to do my career in my current country and keep my gf. If I am free of her, I do have the opportunity to move to the richest suburbs in los angeles, San Francisco etc. Where high quality women are likely to be.

I could just put up with my career in my current country, but something doesn't feel right about it. I feel like staying here because of fear of loosing my gf is existentially wrong. I feel like I'm delaying an inevitable problem(going to loose her at death why not just loose her now) and I should be in a state where I can let go with no suffering at any time.

what's the best way to train yourself to do this. Has anyone gotten into this state? Is it just continuous mindfulness practice? Is it hard to do? Are there perspectives or ways you could look at this to alleviate the suffering of such a situation?

Should I feel bad for making her sad and abandoning her? Sometimes, this sadness dominates my fear of loosing her. I just don't want to hurt a deeply loved person. If I could set her up with someone else when I break up, I would still have the sadness from loosing her but total sadness would be reduced from not feeling bad about abandoning her.

I don't think focusing on a career is the be end all anymore then I do think its its ideal for women. The college student debt bubble is mostly women. A estimated trillion is women and the political talking point is there because of it. Otherwise it will be a non-issue. 

Being resourceful man us a attractive quality. Depth is important. You can leave and she can follow or you can move on. 

[Arcangelo]

7 hours ago, Meetjoeblack said:

You can leave and she can follow or you can move on.

That's what i say.

[SoothedByRain]

On 05/01/2020 at 8:23 PM, Preety_India said:

Can you explain to me what's exactly the meaning of "high quality women", been hearing this phrase a lot very lately from people especially men.. No idea what it is supposed to mean. 

An integrated, Self Actualizing woman who is psychologically and physiologically healthy. One who isn't pulled into and dragged down by the toxic consumerism of our culture. So many women are very emotionally needy. Women seek men as an enhancment to their lives, they seek men to fulfill the things they lack (otherwise they wouldn't need such) Dating and relationships are egoic transactions. The ego alway needs more and is toxic to deep growth, intregration and self-actualization. Why would an ego need anything other than to leech from another and fulfill its needs? 

If you're thinking "What about healthy people who just want to enjoy and spend time with another without all this unhealthy transaction shit mentioned above. This is a highly toxic view" You're either extremely advanced in your development which I can almost guarantee you are not, or you need to go deeper with the work on Self-Bias, Self-Deception and Survival.

Women fuck, date and maintain relationships upwardly. Women rarely date sideways/equally and DO NOT date down. Any women who dates, or even fucks down is doing so from an unhealthy place because she has lots to work through, which is extremely toxic and needy.

When a man is spending time with a woman, he is fucking down. This means that he is either putting up with toxicity for sex or for other psychological needs he has, or he is trying to maintain a genuine connection and relationship with a women and in the process is helping to pull her up, which is a draining commitment on him, which is part of the transaction. Yes, a healthy relationship is a mutual transaction where the feminine and the masculine compliment one another. Hence a self-actualized man would have high standards and seek only high quality women, which are extremely rare. Even then, she is fucking up and the transactional benefits have to be earnt by both people in the relationship. 

If only an unhealthy woman dates down . . . What is it that a healthy, high quality woman has to give and put up with to maintain the relationship with a man she deems high quality and worthy of her time? The physical/sexual for a start, a womans biggest asset within the dating and relationship market (from most mens perspective) She also has to help the man integrate and hone his emotional heart connection. She'll have to put up with a lack of connection that she wishes would be more fulfilling and more deeper. She'll have to put up with her man going out into the world and shaking things up, which will probably mean she will have to put up with instability which most women dislike and with him potentially sleeping with myriad women. (I'm sure that from a woman perpsective you will say that a self-actualized man wouldn't sleep around. Maybe you're right? It depends. Most men are driven to have multiple sexual partners, even if that means only bringing in other women into the sexual relationship with the participation of the long-term partner)

My two questions for the women of this forum.

* What is it that a healthy, high quality woman has to give and put up with to maintain the relationship with a man she deems high quality and worthy of her time?

* Do you feel this statement is true or false? If so, why?

Women fuck, date and maintain relationships upwardly. Women rarely date sideways/equally and do not date down. Any women who dates, or even fucks down is doing so from an unhealthy place.

---

On 05/01/2020 at 7:27 PM, electroBeam said:

Should I feel bad for making her sad and abandoning her? Sometimes, this sadness dominates my fear of loosing her. I just don't want to hurt a deeply loved person. If I could set her up with someone else when I break up, I would still have the sadness from loosing her but total sadness would be reduced from not feeling bad about abandoning her.

1. You're creating a duality between "good" and "bad" emotions. They just are . . . You can't go through life avoiding negative emotions, def can't go through relationships without negative emotions. Seek to understand and embrace them all, with understanding comes peace, unless one egoically needs reality be otherwise of course. unless one egoically needs truth to fit their agenda. 

2. It sounds like you're cradling her perhaps? Help her self-actualize to the point where she won't need you? Accept that people move on, breaks ups are messy hurtful things and know that you were always going to cause her suffering from the moment you said hello to her told her all the things that made her smile. Flowers bloom, cresendo and wither and within One, within non-duality . . . nothing is wasted.

3. Try get over feeling like you're a "bad guy" for breaking up, moving on and hurting her. Situations like this are like hostage situations. This is toxic, even coming from a seemingly healthy and introspective, caring place such as what yours seems to be. 

4. When you've gotten over 3. and left, who knows, maybe she'll follow and maybe one day you'll both get to a point where you can spend time with one another without clinging and needing one another to fill empty space within.

5. If you're an ego, an undeveloped person like most of humanity, you've been telling yourself and her porky pies since you first said hello because you needed to fulfill your needs. Now you are no longer being held by those needs and now you have to start looking at all the self-deception and unconscious manipulation. Seeing all this, seeing it all coming into the light is potentially driving your sadness and pain more than her potential upcoming suffering?  . . . Maybe you're a saint and none of that relates to you. I dunno. Why are you having to look at all the porky pies now? Because now you have new needs, and they seemingly don't involve her because she can't fulfill them . . . 

Well it ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe
Ifin' you don't know by now
An' it ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe
It'll never do some how

I'm a-thinkin' and a-wond'rin' wallkin' way down the road
I once loved a woman, a child I am told
I give her my heart but she wanted my soul
But don't think twice, it's all right

So long honey babe
Where I'm bound, I can't tell
Goodbye is too good a word, babe
So I just say fare thee well
I ain't sayin' you treated me unkind
You could have done better but I don't mind
You just kinda wasted my precious time
But don't think twice, it's all right

Edited January 8, 2020 by SoothedByRain
Pixies ran off with my letters! Fucking pixies . . .

[Preety_India]

3 hours ago, SoothedByRain said:

What is it that a healthy, high quality woman has to give and put up with to maintain the relationship with a man she deems high quality and worthy of her time?

I think I don't look at life this way. Maybe it's just me. But my attitude towards life is  based on a bit of stoicism. I think life is meant to be about challenges and obstacles. So I don't categorize people as healthy or unhealthy because in my mind every person is a work in progress. If I were to label a man as low quality or high quality that would probably be a bit unfair but I understand the whole idea. I too have standards when it comes to dating. But my standards are based more on moral values rather than the psychological or physiological makeup of a person. Because I take it this way. I can meet an incredibly wonderful man who has suffered trauma in his life and has anger issues or has other problems because of his past trauma but he is otherwise a wonderful person. I don't want to let go of his redeemable qualities only because it appears that he is lesser than me in some way. So I don't buy into the whole idea of dating up or dating down.. My idea of dating is more about finding a soulmate, having an experience in life rather than calculate the costs or rewards of a potential relationship. The only thing i wish to avoid is a person who is not genuinely in love with me because such an experience is surely not going to align with my emotional needs at all. 

I believe that life is about struggle. So if I had to struggle with a man I'm in love with then I'm ready for it because in my mind struggle is a part of life and it will be worthwhile to struggle in whatever I can if the man I'm with is worthy of my love whether he is low quality or high quality. 

Coming to the perspective of standards. I wouldn't ever date a sleazy piece of.... That is  part of my value structure and I think that's completely fine. Because why would I compromise with my values and principles. I just wouldn't find any attraction to a man who doesn't match my value frequency.. Which means his mentality and ways of thinking should have to match mine. 

Coming to the question. I don't know if I can qualify for a high quality woman, I just find the term a bit odd, but all I can say is that I don't think a woman needs to give up or put up with anything when she wants to be with a high quality man, because I believe that in a loving relationship she will face the same struggles  as in any other normal relationship and both of them will need to keep the relationship going and face its challenges as they come. The only thing that differentiates a high quality dynamic from a low quality one is every low quality relationship has toxic patterns, energy draining, lack of consideration and selfishness.

Both men and women need to avoid relationships that drag them down and don't help with their life goals, value structures and relationships that erode their potential growth. 

 

 

[Byun Sean]

@electroBeam

From the looks of your post. Your girlfriend seems more like a liability rather than someone you actually want to build a future with. As a man, your mission and your life purpose is your 'souls' top priority. This means you will inevitably be unfulfilled if you are denying yourself any opportunity or potential in regards to your life purpose to keep a woman around.

The reason you want to detach your happiness is because you fear the suffering that happens when you inevitably have to break up.

If your relationship was actually healthy, the relationship between you and your woman would SUPPORT the actualization of your life purpose or career.

Think about it, if you are hanging on to her because you fear you won't find another girl whose into self actualization, your relationship will inevitably turn clingy and sour very fast. 

From my point of view, if this career step is what you feel is right in your heart, you gotta let her go. 

She would want a relationship where the man is into her and loves her. Not one where she is a liability holding someone back. It sounds very much to me like you want to let go but you are afraid to because you fear the suffering that will come from that. In this situation, just cut the line.

I don't know you or your situation completely so I would encourage you to do a lot of thinking and introspecting being radically honest with yourself.

Why am I in this relationship? 

How bad do I want this step in my career? Is it what I REALLY want? Why do I want it?

Why am I afraid to let go?

Keep asking these why questions I'm sure you can get some profound answers.

[flume]

@Eph75 Well said :-)

@SoothedByRain Why have so much of your time taken up by thinking about what most woman do, how relationships should be, etc? Woman this, woman that. It’s none of your business (I say that in the kindest way possible :-) You’re losing yourself out in the world. Take this as a gentle invitation that maybe it’s time to come back to yourself.

Which of these things are really under your control? Very little. The rest is reality and reality is taking care of it’s own business. Letting others go through their own development = Love.

I get the frustration, I often wonder if there really are any quality men out there. From what I’ve seen so far almost all men lie to themselves, they have no idea what to do with their lives, they’re run by lower needs, are selfish, show no integrity, etc. But you can see the drama, the dysfunction, the neediness and still realise that they need to go through their own development.

To be honest it really doesn’t bother me anymore. If you know your worth, you just need some patience filtering through a lot of people but eventually the people coming and staying in your experience always mirror your stage of development.

So, if you want a woman like you’re describing, you better stay on top of your game and become a very high value man. I know it’s always portrayed that woman have so many options, and in a sense they do. But only because they’ve never been with a man that truly makes them feel safe and seen. Most woman have no idea how good a relationship could feel. So if you develop yourself to deliver that you’ll be invaluable to a great woman in the future. :-)

I mean in the end you really only need one. And you better believe she’s out there. Or, of course, if you’re not looking for a long term partner but just casual stuff it might make sense to think about these things. In that case I apologise :-)

This is my invitation: Come back to these questions:

What do I want? What do I need? What can I give? What is under my control?

[Preety_India]

3 hours ago, flume said:

@Eph75 Well said :-)

@SoothedByRain 

 Letting others go through their own development = Love.

 

So true. 

 

 

3 hours ago, flume said:

I often wonder if there really are any quality men out there. From what I’ve seen so far almost all men lie to themselves, they have no idea what to do with their lives, they’re run by lower needs, are selfish, show no integrity, etc.

 

I wonder too. Yea men lie to themselves a lot. I couldn't articulate it in the best way but this is what I was looking for, well said. All these truly define the experience with men which is very frustrating. And very few men care to notice. 

 

3 hours ago, flume said:

I know it’s always portrayed that woman have so many options, and in a sense they do.

This is a myth in my opinion. Women do not have many options if they cancel out or reject as many as they can for bad behavior. Deep down the "the respectful honest man" is such a rare thing. 

 

3 hours ago, flume said:

So if you develop yourself to deliver that you’ll be invaluable to a great woman in the future. :-)

Most men just wouldn't do this but would be glad to throw the blame on a woman. 

3 hours ago, flume said:

If you know your worth, you just need some patience filtering through a lot of people but eventually the people coming and staying in your experience always mirror your stage of development.

Absolutely agree. As we learn, we make better and better choices. 

 

 

Edited January 9, 2020 by Preety_India

[Meetjoeblack]

On 05/01/2020 at 3:57 PM, electroBeam said:

I want to completely and fully detach from women. I want no happiness to come from them. I want a relationship, but I want to be able to break up with someone after 4 years and have 0 suffering.

 

 

That's not real life. Ego attachment once dissolved brings suffering. I am a bachelor. If i were ever committed, I'd still do game. I may not cheat (or maybe I do if she's hot lol) but, the point remains i can. 

Atm, i don't believe monogamy is a thing. Its a delusion and a means to keep society orderly. I just tell her I'm not at that point of time in my life but when I am, you will be the first person to know.