Relationship pattern: GFs keep cheating on me

[lukmi]

I am a 22-year-old straight male and I'm realizing a pattern in my relationships. My relationships are close to 1 year long, and my girlfriends happen to ask me if I would be okay with a threesome with another guy a couple of months before they happen to cheat on me and the relationship has to end because of that. I hate the thought of my girl being touched by another man and what I want is a healthy long-term monogamous relationship.

I fail to make sense at this. The closest I get is that there could be a lack of communication about something she is not getting from the relationship, yet desires.

 

With the relationship before my last one, I could clearly see why that girl cheated on me. It was because she was unsatisfied with the kind of sex we were having. She was more into what you would see in porn and I was more into the emotions and sensations of sex. This girl cheated twice on me - once just to have sex with a guy that she knows she would enjoy having sex with while I was in hospital recovering from surgery, and later she met someone at work that she would leave me for.

In my last relationship, my GF had a crush on someone she met at college and was unable to decide what she should do about it. She kind of went the middle road between him and me but then broke up with me because she couldn't take doing this to me. This was also the reason why my GF before that had broken up with me - I treated her so well in the relationship that she felt like I it wouldn't be fair to not break up with me given the situation.

 

The fact that the exact same thing is happening repeatedly is making me think there is something with me that causes that in my relationships.

I'm thrilled to read what you think the reason for that could be so that I can ion this out.

[Shin]

Hi

Did you watched this video ? What honestly do you think you lack/have ?

 

 

[Sleyker]

Maybe you are showing them too much love and treat them as if they were everything you had. So you come off as someone who depends on her to be happy.

When they feel like they mean everything to you, they no longer want to work on the relationship because they already won you entirely. Have a rich life outside the relationship, hobbies, a nice career/purpose, friends, etc. 

24 minutes ago, lukmi said:

The closest I get is that there could be a lack of communication about something she is not getting from the relationship, yet desires.

 

I also think this is key, especially when it comes to sex. 

[lukmi]

@Shin  Hi to you too

I consider my confidence to be good - grade B

My humor is pretty "unique" - I usually find my own jokes the funniest while other people can't really appreciate - that is grade C

I suspect that I have insecurities from high school that tell me I need a girlfriend, probably that has to do with self-worth, yet my life is pretty great outside of dating - grade E

It may be the case that nothing new and exciting happens, especially because we go on less dates a couple months after the relationship is agreed upon and I tend to be hesitant to act upon sexual ideas that come across my mind - grade D

My sex has greatly improved - or has just been appreciated more - with the last relationship that I had, but it could handle some more variety and acting upon fantasies that come across my mind - grade B

The non - deal-breaker wants are disregarded

 

I see how my relationships may need more spice from this point of view, yet I don't see how lack of detachment is probable to still cause trouble like 6 months in
Already helpful though! Thx

 

Edited January 4, 2020 by lukmi
unrecognized wording issues

[lukmi]

@Sleyker Yes, I think I believe that I somehow need a relationship in my life. This would be a cause of neediness and therefore hesitancy to respect my own boundaries.
This way I am accepting needy and deficient partners into my life and cling to them even though they cheat on me. So far for the theory. This is already being incorporated into my plan of fixing my situation.

I expect this to be fixed with curing neediness.
Thank you so far

 

 

38 minutes ago, Sleyker said:

1 hour ago, lukmi said:

The closest I get is that there could be a lack of communication about something she is not getting from the relationship, yet desires.

 

I also think this is key, especially when it comes to sex. 

I'm planning on monthly relationship feedback forms to cure that. ^^

[Identity]

Check out “no more mr. Nice guy” - Robert Glover

[Shin]

19 hours ago, lukmi said:

@Shin 

The non - deal-breaker wants are disregarded

 

 

What do you mean by that ?

[Leo Gura]

@lukmi

1) How many times did this happen exactly? Two times? That doesn't necessarily mean anything. Could just be a fluke. Although it is a bit odd.

2) Learn to provide amazing sex and girls will be begging you to go exclusive with them. Seems like your sex is missing the dominance and newness components. For sex to be good, you have to find ways to keep it new. Don't be doing the exact same routine every time. Fuck her in the restaurant bathroom once in a while. Etc. Get creative. Dominance is also important. Drive up the masculine/feminine polarity. Make her feel feminine so she is satisfied.

You can also up your value as a man. As you become more successful, more confident, more humorous, more wise, more healthy, etc. all this will massively attract her to you. She should see you as a one-of-a-kind catch. She should feel like she won the lottery in dating you.

[universe]

Agree with Leo here, 2 girls cheating on you is not that great of a sample size. Not all relationships last until the end of life. So there is nothing out of the ordinary. If you dont want girls to cheat on you, date girls that are not as hot or not as much into sex. If they are there is always a higher chance but thats the name of the game.

Also look for any signs before going in the relationship. Have they cheated before? Did they cheat with you on their ex? All signs that they will repeat it again.

[JonasVE12]

Also look at their values. Some girls just care more for short term emotional stimulation, and this is why dating is so compelling for these people. It provides a lot of emotional stimulation. When these girls enter in a relationship, it may last for a while, but as soon as you get used to eachother, and she doesn't get much emotional stimulation anymore, she will be open to get it elsewhere and be magnetically pulled towards those experiences that provide positive emotions for her. Often those are experiences in the context of dating and sex. 

You'll have to use your intuition when looking for a long term girlfriend. You want to make that you have deeper values that you share with eachother.

[Martin123]

@lukmi Hey Lukmi, I've been looking at this thread and browsed through the advice you've been given.
From what you've mentioned, that you rely on sex to have an emotional connection, and that you generally treat your partners very well, it seems to be the case that you're an anxious-preoccupied attachment style. 
This means that in your body you predominantly carry wounds of rejection, mistrust and abandonment. If your girlfriends keep cheating on you, it is as if the wounds that you are subconsciously trying to contradict through your relationships as a way of overcompensating with romantic connection tend to sabotage your relationships so that they can be felt and resolved. Meaning you might be likely to pick avoidant partners who will feel suffocated in the relationship and cheat as a way of having a break from the sense of engulfment they feel (which isn't a healthy thing), you might often neglect and sacrifice your own boundaries, or even depend too heavily on your partner for emotional connection.

I didn't list this to shame or criticize you in the least, but these are the challenges individuals with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style face. The good news is that through the pain you experience in your relationship, there lies a path to your healing. You just have to get into the habit of facing towards it and feeling it fully to completion so it can be healed, rather than face away from it. It is really about the willingness of feeling the emotions we tend to try to avoid. Otherwise you will subconsciously need partners that will treat you unfairly and unfortunately to reorient you towards the pain that is within you.
You might as well take the leap and face it directly, and not ask the universe to throw another painful relationship your way.

Edited January 6, 2020 by Martin123

[Meetjoeblack]

On 04/01/2020 at 4:10 PM, lukmi said:

I am a 22-year-old straight male and I'm realizing a pattern in my relationships. My relationships are close to 1 year long, and my girlfriends happen to ask me if I would be okay with a threesome with another guy a couple of months before they happen to cheat on me and the relationship has to end because of that. I hate the thought of my girl being touched by another man and what I want is a healthy long-term monogamous relationship.

I fail to make sense at this. The closest I get is that there could be a lack of communication about something she is not getting from the relationship, yet desires.

 

With the relationship before my last one, I could clearly see why that girl cheated on me. It was because she was unsatisfied with the kind of sex we were having. She was more into what you would see in porn and I was more into the emotions and sensations of sex. This girl cheated twice on me - once just to have sex with a guy that she knows she would enjoy having sex with while I was in hospital recovering from surgery, and later she met someone at work that she would leave me for.

In my last relationship, my GF had a crush on someone she met at college and was unable to decide what she should do about it. She kind of went the middle road between him and me but then broke up with me because she couldn't take doing this to me. This was also the reason why my GF before that had broken up with me - I treated her so well in the relationship that she felt like I it wouldn't be fair to not break up with me given the situation.

 

The fact that the exact same thing is happening repeatedly is making me think there is something with me that causes that in my relationships.

I'm thrilled to read what you think the reason for that could be so that I can ion this out.

You are meant to feel disgust for cuckoldry. There's a degenerate society pushing said filth. 

You pick the wrong girls the way young girls spend their SMV jumping off the D for every sociopath they think is pretty. It doesn't end well. 

To keep picking the same type has me wonder if you like cuckoldry or you have low self esteem. 

Learn to be single. Learn game. Approach lots. Hookup.  Have a harem. Let them compete for your affections. After seeing lots, pick from abundance not cuck. 

[Leo Gura]

@Meetjoeblack Dude, chill with your immature cuck talk here.

You have confused this place with a Red Pill sub-reddit.

[Kalki Avatar]

@Meetjoeblack I completely get you. This was me a time ago. You have been conditioned to believe instead of intuitively knowing and judging from logic, while at the same time lacking emotional control for everything you feel and comes to your mind when it comes to women. 

Nature and Attraction have rules you must follow as an order if you want to succeed with people. 

For example, if you cry in front of your girl one time, it might pass. But if you continually do so, as crude as it sounds,  she will leave you. Why? From an evolutionary perspective, her unconcious mechanism is always judging your behaviour and strength, in which the mental and emotional are more important than the physical. You are suppose to be grounded as a man. Women live in mental and emotional fantasy. 

If you gently tell your gf to please suck your dick because you dont want to be rude, she won't. Surprisingly, if you tell her to suck your dick in a confident way as an order, she will. Even if she refuses, if your dominance persists, she will be attratcted to do so. 

This is the counterintuitive nature of Attraction. 

My advice would be to enjoy your relationship while it lasts. Then stay single till you work on yourself and knowledge, test it with some women, then try again. 

Edited January 8, 2020 by Kalki Avatar

[lukmi]

On 1/5/2020 at 5:06 PM, Shin said:

 

What do you mean by that ?

One half of those wants are less important than the other. That's why I want to focus on them.

[lukmi]

On 1/6/2020 at 9:06 AM, Leo Gura said:

1) How many times did this happen exactly? Two times? That doesn't necessarily mean anything. Could just be a fluke. Although it is a bit odd.

Yes, 2. That is 2/3 of my relationships up to now though. Although the one which I wasn't cheated on I don't really want to count as a relationship because I just used it as a stepping stone...

 

 

On 1/6/2020 at 9:06 AM, Leo Gura said:

2) Learn to provide amazing sex and girls will be begging you to go exclusive with them. Seems like your sex is missing the dominance and newness components. For sex to be good, you have to find ways to keep it new. Don't be doing the exact same routine every time. Fuck her in the restaurant bathroom once in a while. Etc. Get creative. Dominance is also important. Drive up the masculine/feminine polarity. Make her feel feminine so she is satisfied.

You can also up your value as a man. As you become more successful, more confident, more humorous, more wise, more healthy, etc. all this will massively attract her to you. She should see you as a one-of-a-kind catch. She should feel like she won the lottery in dating you.

On 1/6/2020 at 6:51 PM, JonasVE12 said:

Also look at their values. Some girls just care more for short term emotional stimulation, and this is why dating is so compelling for these people. It provides a lot of emotional stimulation. When these girls enter in a relationship, it may last for a while, but as soon as you get used to eachother, and she doesn't get much emotional stimulation anymore, she will be open to get it elsewhere and be magnetically pulled towards those experiences that provide positive emotions for her. Often those are experiences in the context of dating and sex. 

You'll have to use your intuition when looking for a long term girlfriend. You want to make that you have deeper values that you share with eachother.

On 1/6/2020 at 2:04 PM, universe said:

Also look for any signs before going in the relationship. Have they cheated before? Did they cheat with you on their ex? All signs that they will repeat it again.

I see the pattern of what I need to do.




 

 

On 1/6/2020 at 9:00 PM, Martin123 said:

@lukmi Hey Lukmi, I've been looking at this thread and browsed through the advice you've been given.
From what you've mentioned, that you rely on sex to have an emotional connection, and that you generally treat your partners very well, it seems to be the case that you're an anxious-preoccupied attachment style. 
This means that in your body you predominantly carry wounds of rejection, mistrust and abandonment. If your girlfriends keep cheating on you, it is as if the wounds that you are subconsciously trying to contradict through your relationships as a way of overcompensating with romantic connection tend to sabotage your relationships so that they can be felt and resolved. Meaning you might be likely to pick avoidant partners who will feel suffocated in the relationship and cheat as a way of having a break from the sense of engulfment they feel (which isn't a healthy thing), you might often neglect and sacrifice your own boundaries, or even depend too heavily on your partner for emotional connection.

I didn't list this to shame or criticize you in the least, but these are the challenges individuals with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style face. The good news is that through the pain you experience in your relationship, there lies a path to your healing. You just have to get into the habit of facing towards it and feeling it fully to completion so it can be healed, rather than face away from it. It is really about the willingness of feeling the emotions we tend to try to avoid. Otherwise you will subconsciously need partners that will treat you unfairly and unfortunately to reorient you towards the pain that is within you.
You might as well take the leap and face it directly, and not ask the universe to throw another painful relationship your way.

This makes a lot of sense to me and it matches the way I see the issue. Is this "anxious-preoccupied attachment style" a new concept about classifying human connections? I haven't heard of that before.

[Martin123]

@lukmi

 

[lukmi]

@Martin123

Wow, thank you for that pointer!

[Martin123]

7 minutes ago, lukmi said:

@Martin123

Wow, thank you for that pointer!

No worries.
It's wonderful to find information about attachment styles to really have a deep understanding of your own needs and behaviours in relationships. But don't get too hopped up on finding information, it's not really the key point. The key point is an internal re-orientation. The woman in the video (whom I adore she has the best attachment resource out there) refers to this as self-soothing, and it is such a game changer for you, that it it may feel odd and you will have a lot of resistance to it at first, which is natural and important to experience. But just know that that is the right direction for you. Approach it from the right mindset and don't be discouraged if it leads to frustration, anger, boredom and pain (especially abandonment and loneliness), those are all good (yet painful) signs. 

[lukmi]

@Martin123
Yes, I see that this is the thing to do. Thanks