Lying and controlling in relationships

[Bratcat]

I apologize in advance for this very long text! Thankful for every single one of you who reads it until the end!

My boyfriend has lied to me. A lot.
I don't know when and about what it started. At the moment the main topic were video games. Couple months ago i "stalked" him on steam to see that he had played video games for the past 2 days almost nonstop. I confronted him about it, said that I was worrying about him being addicted and wasting his life away. He agreed. He said he had a serious problem with videogames and never wanted to play any again. Apparently he really tried to. Then some time ago he told me he wanted to play again, i showed him that i wasn't too amazed by it, but he did it anyways. It kinda struck me hard, I'm not exactly sure why. I had to leave the room and was upstairs in the bathroom, crying about it, waiting for him to come look for me, which he never did. (I know that wasn't very mature of me, but that's not the topic right now). Afterwards I confronted him, i was very emotional, I don't remember that much of what I said unfortunately. I think it was that conversation when he told me he wanted to see what it was like after all this time, but it wasn't as exciting as he thought it was gonna be, and he wasn't going to wanna do it again for a while. Then a couple of weeks ago I caught him by accident. He acted very caught, but told me it had been the first time since we talked about it and he was so firm about it!! I totally believed him. He had been on and off with different jobs for the entire time i've known him, there were long periods of unemployment. Then, there was a time where he had to work everyday, 9 hours a day. There were a lot of days where he said he needed alone time. I felt neglected and told him about it. He was understanding but it was also too much for him. I feel like he didn't understand that telling me that he loved me and that he'd always be there for me wasn't enough. I was used to seeing him almost everyday, and him not wanting to see me as much had to have an effect on my sense of security.
Some time later I was at his place, he told me he wanted to play some games now, while I had to study. I tried to act unbothered, after all it's actually not my place to tell him what to do, and atleast he was being honest. But my thoughts started racing, and I couldn't help but talk to him about it. During like a waiting period of a game I asked him if he could end the game. He didn't want to. I got hurt and kinda angry, so I couldn't stop myself from "demanding" he show me his steam statistics to see how much he had actually been playing. He got extremely defensive, told me he felt very controlled by me and that he wasn't going to show me anything, even though there'd be nothing to see there. He demanded I'd leave, and that we could talk tomorrow, but right now he was too distraught to do so.
The next day he texted me about feeling too constrained, like he had no power over his own choices. He wanted us to spend more time apart, so we didn't have to feel like we HAD to spend time together, just because we were in a relationship, but because we wanted to. I told him I knew what he meant, but we had to talk about everything in ordner for our relationship to work. He didn't really react to that, suggested we'd go swimming together tomorrow. Only after I insisted that he had told me yesterday that we'd talk about everything, when I really really wanted to do so yesterday already, he came by my place, he didn't want me to go to his. We talked about lies, I told him I couldn't trust him anymore. I understood that demanding to see his steam data was unhealthy control, but also told him that at this point, in order to believe him anything, I had to see it, because if he were right and hadn't been playing at all, it had to be a very simple tool for him to prove exactly that. Following that, I slowly learned, that maybe that had not been the only time. At first he said I would jump to the wrong conclusions since he had been only for updates and stuff but not playing, then I learned that maybe actually he had been playing a little. He told me he had been lying because i gave him the feeling that playing was very very wrong and he should never ever do it and he felt very guilty every time he did it. He didn't wanna feel this way anymore, said that he actually enjoyed those things, even though he once said that he never wanted to do them before, and that was the reason he needed us both to focus a little more on us. Tbh, I agree with him. I don't think he's wrong. I do think my controlling might have pushed him deeper into lying, and I do get, that he is a very insecure person. He has a very bad self image and quickly resorts to "agreeing" with people just to appear to do the rght thing, instead of standing up for what he thinks and wants. At the same time, I don't know which one started first, the lying or the controlling, I guess we are both kind of hardwired to do our part. I fully agree, that our only way out of this would be for us both to work on this. We tried that the last couple of days, I demanded nothing of him, I know he mostly did nothing, playing games, watching movies, but I also get that sometimes you need some time to just find the power to discipline yourself. So tonight he didn't answer me anymore, normally we atleast write goodnight. For over 15 hours he didn't reply, only after I asked him if he was okay. He said his battery had been flat and he went to bed early and sleeps very long times at the moment. Now, I can see that he received my message 10 minutes after I sent them and that he watched movies on Netflix until 8 in the morning. I know, stalking, not okay and unhealthy. I understand, that he wouldn't want me to know that he is not feeling good at the moment, not having that much control over his life and wallowing, in fact, it's a very very small and understandable lie. But for me, in the context of our latest conversations and after I asked him explicitely not to lie to me again, it is a big lie and he had to know it.

On the other hand, i know there's things i can trust him on. I know he is always there when I need him. I know he loves me, and the way he expresses his love often reminds me a lot more of what Leo described about love, than the things I do and feel. He does not control me, he wants me to be equally as free and have time for myself, to do the things I actually want to do, instead of just hanging out with him.

I fear that we have already gone too far. That my mistrust is too big, that I'm not able to let go and not control him, and that he is just not able to eliminate those lies from his life, I get that it's a habit and I get his motivations for lying. What unsettles me most, is the way he defends his lies, very adamantly, to the very last straw until there is no way of talking himself out of it anymore. It is very believable. I fear, that this is exactly why I can't be sure about anything anymore.
I do not want to lose him and I do not want to give up on him. I don't want to just demand and if I don't get what I want I abandon the whole relationship, but I'm also scared of overindulging him.

I'd be very thankful for your thoughts! I'm aware that my life is very unconscious right now, but these are the little things I have to deal with at this point, hoping I'll get out of it soon.
 

[Shin]

I don't think it's about you, he's just addicted and or has nothing better to do with his free time.

He might be using it as a coping mechanism for some trauma or stress he is under too.

In any case, that's not really about you, even though being controlling doesn't help, it's like the thing we hate the most ?

I think the question you should ask, is whether you want to be with someone who lies to you, because it's not something that changes like that, it takes serious and hard work to change.

If he lies about little things like that, he probably is or will lie about bigger things.

Lying is fundamentally a lack of courage, and to assert oneself way of life.

That is a very shaky foundation for a relationship in my opinion.

[Bratcat]

Thank you Shin.

Yes I'm thinking the same a lot of the time.
Which is why I added this part:
 

Quote

On the other hand, i know there's things i can trust him on. I know he is always there when I need him. I know he loves me, and the way he expresses his love often reminds me a lot more of what Leo described about love, than the things I do and feel. He does not control me, he wants me to be equally as free and have time for myself, to do the things I actually want to do, instead of just hanging out with him.

There's just things he does and say, that makes me feel deeply connected with him. He had a very rough childhood and I guess he's very damaged because of that. I feel like what I described in that quote is true, that he is in essence a very good person, and that he has a lot of very big things to work through. I just don't know if I can stand by his side, if he is able to do it anyways, or if I would damage myself too much in the process.

I've been thinking about asking him if he'd like to go to a couples therapist. What do you think about that?

[Shin]

Yes couple theray seems a good idea ?

Just promise yourself that you won't stay with someone because maybe he will change into someone you think you could be satisfied to be with.

If you're not satisfied with how he is, and it doesn't make you happy, then you have the right to leave.

Too many women gets the idea that the guy will change for her, the reality is they rarely do, and if they do, it's because they wanted to change anyway (and it usually take years or more).

[Bratcat]

I think I thought that way for a long time too. But I guess that illusion shattered some time ago.
All I want at the moment is for the both of us to be happy, ideally together. Of course I am extremely scared to be alone, to not have someone to talk to about anything anytime. But also I love him and I feel loved by him unconditionally. Do I want him to change? Yes! I don't think I can be with him if he keeps lying. Do I want him to play less videogames and focus more on his goals? Yes! But I get that it is a process that can take a long time and I have tried pushing him there way too much. It's something he needs to realise on his own. I'd still be with him, as long as he's completely honest with me.
I'm just scared that he can't stop lying and I can't start trusting again. How can I tell if he's honest?

[Shin]

If you have to ask how to be sure someone is honest to you, don't you think that implies he already isn't ?

Unless you are paranoid and feel like that with several people, otherwise it's your feminine intuition, and oh boy it is rarely deficient about men lies ?

Edited January 4, 2020 by Shin

[Bratcat]

Yeah I mean it's clear that he wasn't. But if we are able to establish that he wants to be honest in the future, how can I be sure then?
I sometimes feel paranoid with other people, yes. I definitely have made experiences with my parents that caused me to have trust issues.

[Shin]

Are you sure then that most of what you think he has lied about aren't really lies, but you projecting that is lying ?

To confirm your past experiences ?

I don't think you can ever be sure that someone isn't lying, that is why trust is important ?

[Matt8800]

@Bratcat Accept your partner as they are now or move on. Its that simple.

[Martin123]

@Bratcat Hey Bratcat. I am going to say something that might be a little bit challenging so please try to take a little bit of time to digest this.

Your lack of trust isn't actually about your boyfriend. That's your issue. I am not saying this to justify dishonest behaviour and communication, but please know that the feeling inside of you that says you cannot trust has actually nothing to do with him. The lack of trust within you is actually triggering mechanisms that are more of a controlling strategy to keep your partner from abandoning you. It is quite possible that as a result of this your partner feels controlled, unsupported, criticized and unappreciated which aren't really great motivators to improve his communication with you. 

In order to move forward from your situation, you would be wise to start focusing more on yourself and your own needs and feelings outside of the confines of the relationship. - How can you meet your own needs? How can you be more independent? - and not as a way to 'get your partner more involved' but as a way of creating a loving relationship with yourself. The lack of security you feel with the relationship, while it does seem like an insecure relationship, is only a reflection of the lack of security you have created in yourself. It will not be found with your partner, until you address that wound within. 

If you do wish to communicate with your partner, which tends to be a very healthy thing to do, please do it in a way that is non-accusatory so your partner feels safer (your boyfriend sounds like someone who has grown up in a home of emotional unsafety and might appreciate this a lot).
An example of that, instead of saying 'I feel like I can't trust you.' (which is an accusation), you can say 'I am having some feelings of mistrust bubbling up inside of me right now, if you could just reassure me a little bit that would make me feel a whole lot better.'
Instead of demanding and accusing him of lying, you could say 'Well you know I've been feeling kind of neglected and this really sucks for me, and while I do understand that I can't make you be with me, I would appreciate if you could acknowledge my perspective a little bit.'

This will not all of a sudden transform your relationship, but if you consistently follow up on not making things about your partner, and sticking to honoring the emotions inside of you as needing your attention, and not your partner's, it will create a possibility for you to have a relationship with yourself, which is the founding block of any healthy relationship. 

[Bratcat]

@Martin123  Thank you very much for your reply. You are absolutely right.
Unfortunately we kinda split up now. I had talked to him about our issues and taken full responsibility for my controlling behaviour and the things it had caused. I emphasized that I wanted to keep trying, but also needed some volition to do so on his side. But all he could do was bask in his self-deprecation. He kept saying how awful was but couldn't say that he wanted to do better in the future.
Though I understand that kind of thought and how hard it is to get out of it I couldn't take it anymore. I do want to be there for him, and I told him that, but I just don't have the emotional strength to see my issues seperate from his, especially since we have a lot of the same issues.
He left quickly once he realised what was happening and we didn't leave it on good terms. I really hope he'll want to talk to me sometime soon, because I still care about him a lot and don't want him to feel alone.

[Martin123]

@Bratcat I’m sorry to hear that. I cant help but notice that this might be an opportunity to start building a relationship with yourself and step into more self-reliance. 
If there would be a reunion with your boyfriend in the future it would actually give him an opportunity to let go of the guilt he carries as you would take more responsibility for your own needs, and he wouldn’t have to assume blame and responsibility for your feelings from a guilt-motivated place.

 

so really this can only be a win for both of you, even if it meant splitting up for good. With respect to any heartbreak and loneliness that may occur of course, as from this perspective it might authentically suck and feel unpleasant. That’s all fine, and deserves compassion and authentic expression.

[Meetjoeblack]

You stalked him. Wtf? That's weird. Why would he argue with female logic when he can lie and plsy video games? Stalking and lying sounds like a keeper LTR. You both should get married, have lots of kids, and luve happily ever after.