I give up on life.

[Svartsaft]

Meditation. I start with meditation. I thought it would make me better. Cure me. Dissolve my insecurities. Make me emotionally strong. Nope. It dose nothing. But frustrate me. Thats it. Sure moments of feeling good happens too. But it seem to me like a huge waste of time. 

Im very unhappy with life. To say the least. Doing meditation seem useless in that regard. Therapy dosnt work. Medication dosnt work. And now meditation dosnt work. Well fuck this shit. Nothing works. 

This year. Well fuck this year. Everyone abandoned me. Everyone. Becouse im not good enough. Ok. Fine. Started meditating like crazy. Again. So to get emotinally stable. Not be that needy. Feel good about myself. Raise my personal value. So people will want me in their life. Noone dose. 

I was conviced people were going to kill me this year too. After everyone abandoned me. It was horrible. I snapped from the stress. Got more and more aggressive to the point i told people go fuck yourself. I kill you. Alot of threats. This all happend while meditating for hours every day i might add. Fuck sake what a useless practice. What a waste of time. 

I think it will be best if i just end my life now. Its been terrible sense forever. I think i do it tomorrow. I have no choice. I hate life. And i hate being hopelessly alone in life and in pain that never fucking ends. Thats all. 

[Svartsaft]

Honestly. I remember new years. I meditated alot. Was kinda happy. I forget. It gets realy dark at times. Today. Thinking about all the relationships that just failed. Hard. Alot of pain. But things has been getting better? Looking back? I guess. 

Today. I was going to meditate all day but couldnt. Intense pain all day. Turned into anger. Will sitting do me good? Whats your honest thought on that? 

[bejapuskas]

@Svartsaft  I'm sorry about your feelings. Sometimes this path is twisted, different approaches work differently on different people. What relationships are you talking about, what's on your mind when you cannot sleep?

[Danioover9000]

   Sorry to hear about your situation. I've been through a similar negative spiral myself and survived. In regards to meditation, I think you're pushing WAY too much. I would do 20-30 minutes of meditation and focus more on hobbies and things I love/like than the negative. Move the body, shake it a bit, because a few of my negative moods occur when I don't move my body enough. Good luck!

[egoeimai]

1 hour ago, Danioover9000 said:

 Move the body, shake it a bit, because a few of my negative moods occur when I don't move my body enough. Good luck!

1000% true 

[Bill W]

Your post screams out that you need therapy. That's not an insult. It's closer to validation than an insult. You have some beliefs that are seriously limiting and unlikely to go away of their own accord. I've needed therapy on and off for years. 

Quick bit of preachy advice! Stay away from alcohol, cannabis, or any drug that's not sanctioned by a medic including psychedelics. Hopefully that is already the case for you.

[Byun Sean]

Holy crap man I can't even imagine what your going through. It must be difficult. Is there anyway you can get professional help like anything? 

Just know theres always a light at the end of every tunnel. Reality changes pretty fast so I'm confident you can and you will get yourself out of this one.

 

Meditation works but you gotta sort out more important life issues first. Meditation takes a certain discipline and a lot of time to bear fruits. If I were you I would seek out any help from family, professional help/advice. Just anything you can get. Love yourself as much as possible during this process. 

This stuff your going through is not easy and acknowledge to yourself you are doing your best. Your amazing just for making it this far. You made it this far, your gonna make it out of this situation, whatever it takes. 5-10 years from now your gonna look back on this memory in nostalgia on how you made it through this hard time and you will have an inspiring story to tell loved ones. Hang in there man.

You are much more than you know.

[Annonymous]

Not sure any advice I could give but just know that you aren't alone, I suffer from depression almost 24/7. If you ever need to talk I'm here for you

[Stakres]

Seek professional help. Therapy, psychiatrist, hotlines. Please get help. New age, enlightenment, meditation are not the answer. Please get professional, licensed, scientific help.

[remember]

@Svartsaft  did you ever really realize how you are selffeeding this? if you tell people to go fuck themselfs do you think they would still try to help you? - what about other practices like self love? how far are you in regards of nondual awareness?

ok so which therapy did not work? which medication did not work? what kind of meditation did not work? what is the true problem in all of this? you want to choose the easy way out? but you know what, there is none. there is only ways out but none of it is easy - the most easy way out would be to work on your frustration tolerance and find out what the real problem is. write a journal. giving up before even wholeheartedly trying to find a way out is not the easy way it`s the lazy way. everyone can change - you can change. just stick around. life is enormously beautiful if you can see it, i would want to see that before i`d want to go - you still have some years to work towards that before you have to leave anyways.

[ElvisN]

On 1/3/2020 at 1:46 AM, Bill W said:

Your post screams out that you need therapy. That's not an insult. It's closer to validation than an insult. You have some beliefs that are seriously limiting and unlikely to go away of their own accord. I've needed therapy on and off for years. 

Quick bit of preachy advice! Stay away from alcohol, cannabis, or any drug that's not sanctioned by a medic including psychedelics. Hopefully that is already the case for you.

I ain't telling you what to do, but I encourage you to seek therapy. You can seek psychotherapy.

If you can, try to get massage therapy. Massage, acupressure, acupuncture. These might be easier for you to do. They'll open the floodgates though. Which is a good thing. You need to process all the pain inside.

I notice that after some of the worst periods of my life came some of the best. We can't get to clarity without going through periods of dark confusion.

Hang in there bud.

[Applegarden]

I hope he didn't end his life because he hasn't been online since.

[Ananta]

17 hours ago, Applegarden said:

I hope he didn't end his life because he hasn't been online since.

He had a few posts after this thread on different threads. They are hidden. Try not to worry and distract from your own inner work.

[Applegarden]

Just now, Anna1 said:

He had a few posts after this thread on different threads. They are hidden. Try not to worry and distract from your own inner work.

Sure @Anna1. x)