15 gr truffel trip on the second last day of 2019

[StarStruck]

I didn’t plan this trip. As new year was approaching my inner voice was screaming to do a trip. Eventually gave in. I bought the goods. Prepared the setting, chewed the substance and there was no way going back  

My goal for this trip was to relax more. This is a huge problem I have. I went in prepared by putting up some calming music. None the less within 45 minutes I was in full panic mode. I was not hoping for a good trip because I felt the festering emotions in my unconscious but I didn’t expect this. I quickly at some oatmeal but that of course didn’t help. It was too late. I had no option than to face my emotions head on or overheat emotionally. It took about 5-10 minutes to calm myself down. I started feeling emotions. I started feeling alive. And I was glad because of it. 
 

I put on some deep meditation technique videos. I couldn’t concentrate. My sub conscious was too busy spewing out its poison. My sub conscious was telling me so much that I decided to make notes on my phone. Here are some:

-I think the major emotional backlash in the beginning of the trip was to teach myself a lesson to be more in touch with my feelings, which I’m absolutely not. 
-these emotions also told me I have to be more careful with psychedelics: take smaller doses and build it up
-my subconscious also told me that when I’m able to cry and feel emotions like fear (which I can’t without psychedelics), I will be able to solve all my problems, including addictions and procrastination. 
-For Some reason I understood that I’m like a magnet: I attract what I am. If I’m holding negative energy I’m more prone to do bad stuff. At this moment I realized why it is important to have a clean household. In the last few weeks I have become very tidy but there was some pants laying on the floor. I had to put that away to feel the good energy again. 
-I felt shame for not being my best self. I remembered how in the past people could just read off me that I’m a negative person by reading my micro expressions. I felt exposed and ashamed because I saw how especially women can sniff positivity/negativity and high/low confidence. (I can do the same because I educated myself in this topic but during this trip I saw it how women see it)
-during this trip a huge urge to become a good person arose. I saw how we are all connected and that our time is limited on this planet. It was aimed at letting my childhood traumas go because those are just distractions to keep us busy until death knocks on the door. 
-I saw distractions in a very different light. Distractions are just tools of the devil to keep us busy so we don’t reach our higher selves. This struck a cord with me. Made me feel alive and this feeling stuck with me.
-At this point I stood up and looked in the mirror. Because I was under the influence of psychedelics I was very painfully honest. I didn’t like what I saw. I told myself to just accept how I look. There are more than enough girls that like my look. No need for every girl to like you. It was a beautiful moment. 
-I went back to feeling energy. It was almost like a developed emotional tentacles feeling how dense or not dense a relationship and surrounding are. I’m not sure if this is a “special power” or just an attribute that socially capable people have. I felt the urge to fix other people’s relations but I stopped myself. Something told me I first need to fix myself. Trying to fix others is another distraction. Underlying assumption was that I believed I’m not worthy of love (and I know why). I had countless flashbacks how I didn’t make the move to girls because of this deep assumption.  
-I had some insight that thoughts aren’t everything. Emotions (energy) is just as important in self development. Feeling of shame came back. It wasn’t a rational shame. The thought was: “you wanted to do spiritual work but now you nose-dived and stuck in your emotions”. I didn’t get triggered by this thought. I just let it go. 
-I had some more flashbacks on my interactions with other people. I could read what they thought and feel by remembering their facial expressions. At this point I was wondering why my sub conscious was focused on other people. I have to be focused on myself. I wasn’t aware that I’m so obsessed by others until that point. 
-linked to the previous point: I got the insight why I’m so obsessed with other people’s thoughts and emotions: I’m afraid to make social mistakes and not being liked. 
-at this point everything came together. All these hissy fits during my trip was just to illustrate the connections during my overcompensating behavior and my relationship with myself. I saw that everything I expect from others (like approval, love, and so on) I can just give myself during my meditation sessions. 

Summary:

The trip showed me the connection between several topics. I’m still trying to create a holistic image in my mind to understand the complete picture to get the most out of this trip. My goal of this trip was to relax and boy did I relax. I’m kind of sad I freaked out in the beginning and ate some oatmeal to slow down the trip but I get it. It has been couple of days and I notice that I have a better relationship with myself, in tune with my emotions and that “feeling alive” feeling stuck partly. I feel like I developed some emotional muscle. My top insight was that addictions/distractions and other overcompensating behavior is a technique of the devil to not face the underlying emotions. 

[MrDmitriiV]

@StarStruck I suggest not trying to forcefully concentrate on or confront any parts of the trip. It usually won't work. Just go with the flow. Love it all.

Obviously you should plan your trips better, and train beforehand. Otherwise you get lost in content, instead of delighting in the meta.

[StarStruck]

2 minutes ago, MrDmitriiV said:

@StarStruck I suggest not trying to forcefully concentrate on or confront any parts of the trip. It usually won't work. Just go with the flow. Love it all.

Obviously you should plan your trips better, and train beforehand. Otherwise you get lost in content, instead of delighting in the meta.

Thanks for the tip. Usually I set an intention and then let it go.  

[MrDmitriiV]

@StarStruck I used to set intentions too. But found a better way to simply play around with the desired thing the days prior. For example learn/contemplate about Meta vs Structure the days prior, and before trip just calm my mind and leave thoughts aside.

On my last LSD trip I set the intention to embody a mantra. But the guy holding a straight spine and chanting that mantra died so brutally, the intention vanished with him lol.

I don't do mushrooms, but isn't 15gr too much? 

 

[StarStruck]

@MrDmitriiV Normal dose depends on the mushrooms/truffels type. 10 mg is minimal for a trip. 15 mg is the perfect dose on an empty stomach.