Would you forgive a cheater?

[Shin]

Let her go now.

I don't see love when I read what you wrote, I see toxic attachment.

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Love is unconditional. Even the nasty stuff should be loved and accepted. Right? 

You don't need to be with someone to love that person, and there is another person you should love unconditionally, and it is you.
Which means taking your own well being first, and in this case, it means breaking up, because the trust is gone.
That would be another thing if she is totally honest and thoughtful about your feelings, but she isn't.

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Her acting like it's all cool makes my pain seem insignificant. Unnecessary. She doesn't seem to care or sympathize much. I'm getting a "you had it coming" vibe

That's not love you see, she doesn't care enough to even acknowledge your own pain, what kind of girlfriend is that ?
Do you trust someone like that to be your life partner, the mother of your children ?

That specialness you feel is just your brain being addicted to her, attached as fuck to her, trying all it can to make yourself stick with her.
But that's just fear of being alone, but sometimes, being alone is the way to go, especially if you become more and more conscious.

She's not special, you'll find another girl that is waaaaaaay better in no time if you focus on yourself, and finally let her go

 

Edited January 2, 2020 by Shin

[Spiral]

I have forgiven worse and I think everyone should forgive those who wrong us, regardless of what they have done. However forgiveness doesn’t mean things will always remain the same. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who cheats on their partner for instance.

[Nahm]

You’ll get exactly what you need from her until you no longer need anything from her. Same for her with you. I hope you both stop touching the stove of needing the other asap. ♥️??

[Svartsaft]

No i would not. Whats so damn special about her? You think about that.

You talk about it being toxic. Fuck sake. How about not being in a relationship? Why not? Are you like me? Rather be within a toxic relationship than alone? Becouse you cant find happiness on your own? Just asking. 

[ivankiss]

I don't think fear of being alone is the issue here. I grew up without both of my parents. I've been by myself most of my life. I am very comfortable with solitude. However, it would sure take some getting used to after these three years.

Wouldn't say neediness is the problem, either. Although I have developed a certain amount of attachment. And we were codependent quite a bit. To me real strength is not about keeping a safe distance and being afraid to tie bonds. Rather, it's about being willing to commit ,dive in fully and even develop attachments - knowing that everything eventually comes to an end. Being courageous enough to feel what comes with the pain of loss.

My deal here is hope and wonder. I wonder if this can go somewhere nice. Is there something more to us? I hope it does not end like this - with betrayal and disrespect.

[Shin]

Good luck then ?

[LaucherJunge]

@ivankiss
Being with someone who cheated on you is going to be painful and takes a lot of inner work and if you are willing to put in the work then I don't see anything wrong about it, if on the other hand you think that it's too painful to handle that you would rather take your growth slower or maybe that it isn't serving your growth enough to be worth it well then it's also pretty clear what to do..
For me it would always depend on the level of love for the woman also and of course the circumstances.
One of my Exes cheated and I tried to accept that for a short while but I simply couldn't so I moved on and it was a great decision, no matter what decision you make in the end it will be the right one and you'll be happy about it.
Then again there is a girl currently, which I truly love, I feel like the only thing that is still in the way of unconditionally loving her is my lust which is a pretty big topic for me and of course very much linked with sexuality, so if she cheated on me that would be actually a pretty intense but good way to work on this issue, but if I could really accept it is something I would have to decide in that moment and couldn't really tell now. At the same time I couldn't imagine her doing it, but that doesn't make it impossible of course especially as time passes things can change.

[Meetjoeblack]

I can forgive for my own sake, spirit, and longevity of being. Its insanity to keep up the charade. Its over. Specifically, The actions speak tons of the lack in loyalty. Its one of the reason why the concept of unconditional love is rubbish. Its always based on a prerequisite. Not cuckoldry. There's a huge push today on cucking  poly, and all sorts of ridiculousness.

Unconditional love to a pet or a baby. Sure.

 

[28 cm unbuffed]

As @Meetjoeblack said - sure, forgive her, in your own mind, and move on.

Forgiving the other person makes you forgive yourself and undestand yourself better - because it's not always one's person's fault 100% (don't blame yourself tho). 

It also makes thoughts about this person dissapear from your mind and that way you use that energy for productive thoughts to push your life forward. Esoterically speaking, I heard that focusing on someone and thinking about them is like sending them free energy and I must say - this theory might be actually true - how many times you heard a story about a "boy that became a man after breakup epic transformation hype montage". 

The moment, when you stop focusing on others and start thinking and acting for your own good is the moment you become unstoppable. 

Good luck, stay strong. 

PS. About the love part you still see there, watch this, it might be it (it was in my case) : 

Aka - bitch loved me so much and didn't love herself at all, that she did some nasty shit, just to make me suffer, just to test my love. 

Nevertheless - that's fucked up shit, I'm out

Edited January 8, 2020 by 28 cm unbuffed

[LordFall]

On 02/01/2020 at 3:31 PM, ivankiss said:

I don't think fear of being alone is the issue here. I grew up without both of my parents. I've been by myself most of my life. I am very comfortable with solitude. However, it would sure take some getting used to after these three years.

Wouldn't say neediness is the problem, either. Although I have developed a certain amount of attachment. And we were codependent quite a bit. To me real strength is not about keeping a safe distance and being afraid to tie bonds. Rather, it's about being willing to commit ,dive in fully and even develop attachments - knowing that everything eventually comes to an end. Being courageous enough to feel what comes with the pain of loss.

My deal here is hope and wonder. I wonder if this can go somewhere nice. Is there something more to us? I hope it does not end like this - with betrayal and disrespect.

Be honest with yourself. Literally meditate on this for 20 mins and get down to the real thruth and probably you will realize that you're full of shit and you know for sure this girl and you will not work out. 

I had a situation similar to yours. Mine had Borderline Personality Disorder and yours definitely also has signs of some mental health issues. My girl cheated on me and betrayed me so many times yet has shown me more love, acceptance and authenticity than anyone I've ever met. 

Same as you I got to know her so well, her goods and bad sides. You rarely get to see the entirety of a human being and I got very close to that with her. 

But our relationship was very dysfunctional and I didn't see it getting any better anytime soon. She taught me so much and I grew infinitely with her but at the cost of my well being in a variety of different ways. I lied to myself about it for months about how we were meant to overcome shit, she was my twin flame, adversity makes us stronger, etc. 

In the end, we all do whatever we want. I know damn well you could read 200 comments to breakup with her and decide to propose to her next week. My only advice is don't make permanent decisions and be honest with yourself. You might also be addicted to emotional stimulation and the roller coaster this girl takes you on and so you actually crave the dysfunction. Regardless, figure out if this girl is really good or bad for you and decide what to do from there.

 

You don't even have to breakup with her if you figure out she's bad but at least don't lie to yourself and be aware of it. In the end, awareness cures all ?

Also date her for who she is and not who she could be. Is she acceptable to you and can you fully accept her for who she is now or are you dating and putting your hopes on some hypothetical version of her that would keep her good sides but work on and solve the bad? I learned that lesson myself but that's a road to disaster and is actually selfish. People may change or they might not but you can't date someone for who they could be. Would you take your relationship right now as it is for the rest of your life or are you just holding on to it in the hopes that it gets better and fulfills this love story fantasy that you've always had? 

Edited January 9, 2020 by LordFall