Would you forgive a cheater?

[ivankiss]

Long story short...

I went through heaven and hell with this girl... It was an "us vs. the world" type of scenario. At least up until recently.

Was it toxic? Heck yeah.

Was it beautiful and unlike anything before? It was.

There is an undeniable, deep soul connection. We know and understand each other on so many levels. 

But we are also perfect opposites. It can get overwhelming. Our fire has burnt everything to the ground. It was needed tho.

From a soul perspective it's the most beautiful thing we could've done for each other, at this particular time of our journeys. And we're both aware of that.

On a personal level tho, things are not so bright and clear.

I am deeply hurt.

During this intense three year period we spent six months silently hating each other. Neglecting and ignoring the crap out of our relationship. Even though we were still living together.

It was during this time - when we weren't showing each other any affection and did not bother to give each other any attention, that she started texting several dudes quite...um...passionately.

Sexting; to be precise.

My world shattered when I found out. My heart broke to a million pieces. 

In my mind... We we're going to work it out, somehow. I felt like we were just going through a phase. I wanted to give us some time and space. I never thought she'd go in that direction.

I know we should've communicated things... but it just wasn't possible during those six months. We weren't able to listen to each other without being triggered af.

So... here we are. Still walking our paths side by side.

I am paranoid, afraid and unable to trust her fully. Obviously.

I have never been cheated on before. It sucks ass. 

Her excuse is that it was only digital. It meant nothing. She was afraid of being left all alone. She needed attention. Wanted to feel like someone's there for her. Can protect and secure her.

In my eyes; I was there for her all along, to the best of my abilities. I did the best I could. Always had her back, even if I was seemingly distant. 

Nowadays, things are looking good. There's still passion. Perhaps an even deeper connection. Laughter. Tears. Communication.

But I am unable to give my whole self again. A part of me is always holding back. Afraid of being hurt, played and humiliated, again.

What are your thoughts? Has anyone here gone through this process? Forgiving a cheater? 

Is once a cheater really a cheater forever? 

Have we expired? Or should I shift the way I see things? Approach it all differently? 

Thanks.

 

[Shin]

3 hours ago, ivankiss said:

Was it toxic? Heck yeah.
 

Her excuse is that it was only digital. It meant nothing. She was afraid of being left all alone. She needed attention. Wanted to feel like someone's there for her. Can protect and secure her.

 

Thanks.

 

It wasn't really cheating for her I guess, since the relationship was dead for months, at least not consciously.

Even then, she uses shit excuses, instead of being honest, and the fact that you directly says it's toxic as hell should make you realize she's not good for you, at all.

Edited January 1, 2020 by Shin

[ivankiss]

@Shin Is it twisted that I can see beauty in toxicity?

[Shin]

6 minutes ago, ivankiss said:

@Shin Is it twisted that I can see beauty in toxicity?

I don't know, but I guess you want to be happy, and toxicity isn't gonna make that possible.

[Harikrishnan]

It happened with me, i fully let go of her cut the connection( still we chat here and there) but now i feel good that i moved on. If you can cut her off and move on there will be peace.

Then again you can see it from different angle and continue relationship and hope for everything to be peaceful and happy.

[Martin123]

@ivankiss Hey Ivan.

Don't think of forgiveness as something you will do for her. That is a form of self-betrayal. The truth is that you trusted her, and she broke your trust, and any feelings and implications of that are very real and valid.
Forgiveness is the willingness to feel the pain and let it heal and free you. It is much different than being okay with what happened.
Forgiveness is the ability to say, I am absolutely and completely not okay with what happened, and changes will need to be made to make this into a place of security and trust for me, be it the ending of a relationship, or a drastic change in communication, and yet I will not turn away from the emotional pain that surfaced inside of me as a result of this situation. I will heal, and I will make sure that I am being treated respectfully and honestly by my partner. If your partner isn't able to step into the maturity of genuine vulnerability, may the honesty you are willing to embrace about your feelings bring you into a deeper alignment with yourself, where you embrace the ending of the relationship as a gateway into a deeper surrender and emotional freedom.

If I really tune into what you need, it feels like you need some space to digest your feelings, and a permission not to forgive at all. If you were to forgive too soon, it wouldn't heal the betrayal lurking inside your heart.

So here's a healing mantra to get you started.

I don't have to forgive at all, my trust was broken, and it is I who will repair it.

Your permission not to forgive at all will eventually eliminate any possible toxicity that would be tolerated in your personal relationships.

[Sleyker]

Hey bro, I feel for you.

How much are you neglecting your personal growth, happiness and purpose because of this relationship?

I'm no expert in relationships, but I think a relationship should enrich the above and not the opposite.

[28 cm unbuffed]

Let her go, move on.

I had similar kind of situation, where i was dating this sadistic girl, that was in love with me, but when i told her to tell me whole truth about something, she got mad and did some nasty stuff to me (had sex with other guy, but we were not together, so I can't call it cheating technically).

The fact that you see beauty in all of this is because she did it out of love for you.

But it's not that she was consciously saying to herself: "I love him so much, that I will fuck other guy, just so he can move on". It's more like lion eating the weakest gazzele, so that the other gazzels can learn to defend themselves better next time - kind of love. Brutal nature of love.

You are very wise, that you can see beauty in all of this, that requires a lot of emotional intelligence, compassion and undestanding. 

When you'll meet the girl of your dreams there will be no doubts, there will be no second guessing, no forum posts.

It's like finding your life purpose / passion - nobody has to tell you to do this / do that, you just know - this is it and you want to go in 100%, no matter what. You don't need to do pros / cons list or analize any of that - you feel so much fire inside of you, that you don't have to think about all of that.

You just do, you just act, like in a "Limitless" movie. There will be only proper action that will drive you forward.

Edited January 1, 2020 by 28 cm unbuffed

[Meetjoeblack]

5 hours ago, ivankiss said:

Long story short...

I went through heaven and hell with this girl... It was an "us vs. the world" type of scenario. At least up until recently.

Was it toxic? Heck yeah.

Was it beautiful and unlike anything before? It was.

There is an undeniable, deep soul connection. We know and understand each other on so many levels. 

But we are also perfect opposites. It can get overwhelming. Our fire has burnt everything to the ground. It was needed tho.

From a soul perspective it's the most beautiful thing we could've done for each other, at this particular time of our journeys. And we're both aware of that.

On a personal level tho, things are not so bright and clear.

I am deeply hurt.

During this intense three year period we spent six months silently hating each other. Neglecting and ignoring the crap out of our relationship. Even though we were still living together.

It was during this time - when we weren't showing each other any affection and did not bother to give each other any attention, that she started texting several dudes quite...um...passionately.

Sexting; to be precise.

My world shattered when I found out. My heart broke to a million pieces. 

In my mind... We we're going to work it out, somehow. I felt like we were just going through a phase. I wanted to give us some time and space. I never thought she'd go in that direction.

I know we should've communicated things... but it just wasn't possible during those six months. We weren't able to listen to each other without being triggered af.

So... here we are. Still walking our paths side by side.

I am paranoid, afraid and unable to trust her fully. Obviously.

I have never been cheated on before. It sucks ass. 

Her excuse is that it was only digital. It meant nothing. She was afraid of being left all alone. She needed attention. Wanted to feel like someone's there for her. Can protect and secure her.

In my eyes; I was there for her all along, to the best of my abilities. I did the best I could. Always had her back, even if I was seemingly distant. 

Nowadays, things are looking good. There's still passion. Perhaps an even deeper connection. Laughter. Tears. Communication.

But I am unable to give my whole self again. A part of me is always holding back. Afraid of being hurt, played and humiliated, again.

What are your thoughts? Has anyone here gone through this process? Forgiving a cheater? 

Is once a cheater really a cheater forever? 

Have we expired? Or should I shift the way I see things? Approach it all differently? 

Thanks.

 

There's always hotter and younger (legal obviously lol). 

Cheating breaches trust. Infidelity affects paternity. 

Next her.  Never look back. Start approaching new girls. 

[universe]

I dont think sexting is a big deal.

But I can see that your trust was hurt and maybe its not woth going forward.

[TrynaBeTurquoise]

I'm gonna give you my 2 cents typing the way you type:

This seems like a tricky situation.

On one hand, you stated the relationship turned toxic.

You said you both spent 6 months silently hating each other, ignoring each other and withholding affection. 

Then when she gave her excuse for sexting, you said you thought you were there for her all along, directly contradicting your part of ignoring and withholding affection.

I'm not trying to say you are the bad guy here.

I feel your hurt and no one deserves to feel humiliated. 

On the other hand, try to empathize with her side, and feel how withholding affection makes the other feel lonely. 

The number one priority is clear, open communication to work out the toxicity of what caused the mutual neglecting in the first place.

Don't settle for toxicity/dysfunction.

You may find the toxicity beautiful because you simply haven't exposed yourself to something real and genuine. 

You can be "addicted" to hurt and negative emotions. But once you experience the better alternative, this addiction will disappear.

Bottom line: Put forth your best effort to communicate and fix the core issues. If she isn't up for this, you deserve better. 

Edited January 2, 2020 by TrynaBeTurquoise

[Arcangelo]

Would you forgive a cheater?

No, never. Forgiving a cheater comes from a place of attachment, low self esteem and having a scarcity mindset.

 

Arc

 

[TrynaBeTurquoise]

7 minutes ago, Arcangelo said:

Would you forgive a cheater?

No, never. Forgiving a cheater comes from a place of attachment, low self esteem and having a scarcity mindset.

 

Arc

 

This is a broad generalization. But sometimes automatically disowning someone because they cheated on you is a sign of low self esteem. You want to rid your ego of the humiliation and the social status of staying with someone who cheated on you. This is more fear based than love based. In some rarer cases a person with high self esteem can be mature enough not to leave just because of this depending on what happened in their specific situation. 

Edited January 2, 2020 by TrynaBeTurquoise

[Arcangelo]

^Yeah,

I saw a Discovery Home & Health documentary: They made a poll asking people years after if they were happy about forgiving and they said: -''yeah'' and they also asked the guys that didn't forgive and years after most of them wished they could have been able to forgive. If going this way I think the couple must break up and the cheater must come back asking for forgiveness.

 

Arc

Edited January 2, 2020 by Arcangelo
could

[Byun Sean]

get out of there man. HUGE BLOOD red flag if they cheat on you and say something like that. If I were you I would thank the person for the relationship and get the hell out of there. She doesn't love you and value you for who you are. Only what she can get out of the relationship.

Spend a little while working on yourself by yourself. If you stay in this relationship it will only get more dysfunctional. 

[Alyosha]

Once they cheat, it cannot be redeemed. I can forgive, but I cannot get caught in the same patterns again. And the trust is tempered with, so no matter how good it seems, the second something seems off, you'll most likely be paranoid.

It's hard to let something like this go. But it's the smart thing to do. You can still see the beauty in the memories and her as a person, as well as how it made you grow. But nothing is beautiful about trapping yourself within those toxic cycles. 

[ivankiss]

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts and views. It helps. I don't have anybody to talk to about this stuff atm. 

The decision is mine and I am obviously not certain about things. I need to heal and allow myself to feel everything that comes up - that's for sure. I'm just not sure if healing completely is possible while I'm still around her. It feels like that's something I should be doing on my own. Plus, she does not seem to be showing any regret. No remorse. Almost as if what she did was totally fine and even to be expected. And in a way that might be true...

I am trying my best to see and understand her side of the story as well. I don't want to make a victim out of myself. I know I contributed to the end result. But I can't deny how I feel. 

We were both neglecting each other. Why is she the only one who crossed the line by pulling others into the picture? How come I did not go there? Even when shit seemed hopeless, I stayed true, loyal and respectful. Doesn't that mean something? Isn't that a sign? An indicator? 

On the other hand; I can also see how going through this could make us stronger. Pull us closer. Once we heal, I can see how this could become something minor. Not a big deal. 

But it would be nice to see her showing some willingness to admit her mistakes. Not just verbally, but rather through her behavior. Her acting like it's all cool makes my pain seem insignificant. Unnecessary. She doesn't seem to care or sympathize much. I'm getting a "you had it coming" vibe, often. And I know that's because she's hurt too, in her own way. Maybe even ashamed - to the point where she's being protective of her side of the story and not being able to acknowledge mine, fully. 

Regardless, we did talk alot. We did find a common ground. We expressed our sorrow, maturely. Maybe time is all that's needed.

What I value in our relationship is the fact that we got to see both sides of ourselves. The worst and the best. To me it seems like the darkness we went through brought a depth to our relationship. Our roots go real deep. And on the surface, we did not blossom fully, just yet. We both had a lot to resolve, untangle and heal from the very beginning. We both had a lot of baggage from our past. And we helped each other. Been there for each other. Even if things were not ideal. 

It's been a bumpy ride, but we made it far.

I cannot deny I would love to see us overcoming this. In moments of peace, things are really nice. It's not like we don't know happiness at all. It's here and it's beautiful. It's just not a constant.

Love is unconditional. Even the nasty stuff should be loved and accepted. Right? 

Don't we all have a dark side? Don't we all want to be accepted fully, just the way we are? 

Where do you draw the line? Do you, at all?

I don't know... I might be running after a train that's already left. Will see. I am willing to give things a bit more time and space to play out. I don't want to jump to concussions just yet. I'd be acting from a place of hurt and confusion.

Thanks again everyone.

Luv ya.

 

[Applegarden]

Whatever you decide to do, i advise you to watch sadhgurus video where he talks about why breakup hurts so much, and for me it personally gave some hints to my blindspots, especially with attachment and becoming delusional in a sense that i somehow expect that a woman already wants me or will act in a certain way, or has a good impression if me which is just not true in action, and if you decide to break away you know your impressions and even the memory in your body from her will pull you back, and suffering is kinda inevitable, but that being said people make mistakes, but only an x amount of times or x intensity for individual in question, however it is very bad investment if it turns out that she didn't change, and suppose you get together and still your sense of betrayal, deep hatred from this event and maybe even her attitude subtly changes and she just cares less about you. I don't know your situation nor i am experienced with romantic relationships but i am a strong loner and i wanted to give my view, i wish the best for you.

[Martin123]

@ivankiss what you described is a relationship where your capacity to heal and grow outmatches hers. It’s as if she was communicating to you ‘I’m so sorry but so can’t match you where you’re at, I’m too shut down and haven’t found the courage to open up.’

I don’t mean to impose a choice onto you, but realistically, if you choose to stay, you are dimming down your own capacity for healing, love and compassion just for the sake of keeping her company in her shutdownness. 
You already know what to do in your heart, you just wrote on the forum to gather courage and support in the choice that seems pretty big and scary. So here you go, receive the permission to be true to yourself, and the truth of the feelings speaking up inside you, without needing her permission.

 

Please don’t wait for a permission from someone who’s too shut down to embrace accountability. Be your own authority.

Edited January 2, 2020 by Martin123

[Shin]

Let her go now.

I don't see love when I read what you wrote, I see toxic attachment.

Quote

Love is unconditional. Even the nasty stuff should be loved and accepted. Right? 

You don't need to be with someone to love that person, and there is another person you should love unconditionally, and it is you.
Which means taking your own well being first, and in this case, it means breaking up, because the trust is gone.
That would be another thing if she is totally honest and thoughtful about your feelings, but she isn't.

Quote

Her acting like it's all cool makes my pain seem insignificant. Unnecessary. She doesn't seem to care or sympathize much. I'm getting a "you had it coming" vibe

That's not love you see, she doesn't care enough to even acknowledge your own pain, what kind of girlfriend is that ?
Do you trust someone like that to be your life partner, the mother of your children ?

That specialness you feel is just your brain being addicted to her, attached as fuck to her, trying all it can to make yourself stick with her.
But that's just fear of being alone, but sometimes, being alone is the way to go, especially if you become more and more conscious.

She's not special, you'll find another girl that is waaaaaaay better in no time if you focus on yourself, and finally let her go

 

Edited January 2, 2020 by Shin