The correct way to self-love?

[Javfly33]

Recently I´ve become more in tuned to my lack of self-love. But also I started to skyrocket my self-love by being aware that I lacked a lot through all my life.

So let´s say in Christmas you are supposed to visit your family (my father´s family in this case), any other year I wouldn´t hesitate to visit, but this year I am more in tune with emotions and I feel that I this family is some what toxic to me, I still want to keep contact but I want to set boundaries. This for example implies that tomorrow, in new year´s, If i listen to my heart and put myself first I shouldn´t visit my fathers family.

However let´s say tomorrow I feel still a lot of pressure to visit, I feel my ego can´t take yet the pain/responsability of accepting their not approval of not visiting.

In the case I still go visit them, If I want to keep self-love I should be aware and accept the fact I am going there not putting myself first. By that mechanism of being self-aware of my lack of self-love in that situation, I at least can learn something. What is not very wise to do, is to neither of these:

-Put out an excuse to my father´s family so I can avoid fearing their not approval of me not visit them

-Lie myself that I should visit them because family is important to be close together and this is not a case of lack of self-love.

 

 

[Leo Gura]

You're not quite seeing how radical Self-Love is.

ANYTHING you do, is Self-Love.

If you murder your family, that is Self-Love.

Love is unlimited and you cannot ever fail it. Develop the courage to stop judging yourself, others, and reality. That's true Self-Love. Anything less would be ego. Which is also Self-Love.

How would you act if you knew you were loved under all choices and circumstances? THAT is liberation. Anything less is slavery.

[Javfly33]

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

You're not quite seeing how radical Self-Love is.

ANYTHING you do, is Self-Love.

If you murder your family, that is Self-Love.

Love is unlimited and you cannot ever fail it. Develop the courage to stop judging yourself, others, and reality. That's true Self-Love. Anything less would be ego. Which is also Self-Love.

How would you act if you knew you were loved under all choices and circumstances? THAT is liberation. Anything less is slavery.

I know, but I put the s in self-love in lower case letter for something 

You right that Love is truly unconditional. I´m seeing how building your self-esteem and love in a real way can only be done because consciousness can´t / doesn´t judges. Only ego does. Reality accepts yourself always, it´s ego that denies and judges. 

However it feels I need to go step by step and radically accepting myself fully is a heavyweight process, but I get your point. I surely will get there with time 

@Leo Gura Also, you mean that if when I choose an action in where I don´t put my priorities first (for example tomorrow I decide to go my father´s house), I should be Loving myself for that too, right? Like really even when we do "shameful" things it´s being ego that is judging and therefore creating "shame"...interesting. So it´s all Acceptance and Love if we get ego out of the way. 

 

Edited December 31, 2019 by Javfly33

[Commodent]

A more practical advice would be to talk to yourself like you would talk to a small child or loved one. We all KNOW how to act lovingly and not hurt people, so simply apply that knowledge to yourself. Try talking to yourself like you'd talk to a loved one for a couple of minutes, and notice how you'll feel. It might feel fake, but talk compassionately to that feeling too. This is extremely powerful, once you get into the habit of doing it.

[Leo Gura]

59 minutes ago, Javfly33 said:

I know, but I put the s in self-love in lower case letter for something

Why not drop it and go for the big thing?

You can't solve an existential problem at the level of the relative.

That's the point of transcendence.

[Nahm]

@Javfly33

You’re thinking you need to resolve your thinking. That’s just more thinking. You can let it go and do whatever you want to do. 

You never have anyone’s thought about you, ever. That’s you thinking about what people are thinking about you. It’s separation thinking. 

3 hours ago, Javfly33 said:

Recently I´ve become more in tuned to my lack of self-love. But also I started to skyrocket my self-love by being aware that I lacked a lot through all my life.

You are self-love. You can’t lack you. 

So let´s say in Christmas you are supposed to

Any “supposed to’s”, “shoulds”, “need to’s” - own them. These are your thoughts you’re believing. Let them go. 

visit your family (my father´s family in this case), any other year I wouldn´t hesitate to visit, but this year I am more in tune with emotions and I feel that I this family is some what toxic to me,

More in tune with emotions is not judging people “toxic”. Take ownership of your perspective, “toxic”. And let it go. 

I still want to keep contact but I want to set boundaries. This for example implies that tomorrow, in new year´s, If i listen to my heart and put myself first I shouldn´t visit my fathers family.

You are “first”, wether you sit here or there, walk here or there. You are already you. “You” can not put “you” first. 

However let´s say tomorrow I feel still a lot of pressure to visit,

This would be believing your own thought that there is outside pressure. The believing the perspective, is itself the “pressure”. 

I feel my ego can´t take yet the pain/responsability of accepting their not approval of not visiting.

Go one step back....someone else’s judgement (approval or not) is not your problem. Choosing the perspective “that it is a problem”, is the “problem”.

In the case I still go visit them, If I want to keep self-love

You can’t “keep” you. You are you. You are self-love. 

I should be aware and accept the fact I am going there not putting myself first.

That is not a “fact”, it’s a perspective. You can’t put you first. You are you. You are self-love. Happiness - anywhere. Love - anywhere.

By that mechanism of being self-aware of my lack of self-love

Self aware can not be lack of self-love. Self = Love. Self aware = self-love. That you lack self-love, is just a self judgement perspective. You’re not lacking a damn thing. You’re just believing a thought, that you are.. 

in that situation, I at least can learn something. What is not very wise to do, is to neither of these:

-Put out an excuse to my father´s family so I can avoid fearing their not approval of me not visit them

-Lie myself that I should visit them because family is important to be close together and this is not a case of lack of self-love.

 

 

You are thinking you are a self, loving your self. The beauty of the hyphenated word “self-love”, is it points to that which you are, to what is, to This. Not that which you could or should do, or believe, or find. You are already that, and there’s nothing to think about. You can do what you really want to. 

[28 cm unbuffed]

@Nahm

Isn't that dangerous - doing anything, that I want to? 

How to set up safe boundries to that rule? There always has to be thinking involved, to not get too close to the fire, right?

Like, let's say - I feel horny as hell right now - fuck it, let's get a hooker. But I might get an STD like that. Where's love in all of that?

(I know, it's a silly question, but your reasoning seems silly too, or maybe I don't get it fully)

Edited December 31, 2019 by 28 cm unbuffed

[Nahm]

@28 cm unbuffed

Well, is that what you actually want right now?...to get a hooker, and risk getting an std? 

“Fuck it” - What is it ?  

“It” might be your conscience - what you actually want. “Fuck what I actually want, I’m going to do this instead”.

“Where's love in all of that?”  

[28 cm unbuffed]

@Nahm

Gotcha.

Another example - let's say some girl on a street is really pretty and I want to talk to her, but I'm too scared to do that. 

Is it that, I love being safe and lonely, more then taking risk?

Or I do not love myself enough and because of that I think I do not deserve to have a girlfriend?

Basically - it's like asking "what the heck is fear"? 

Edited December 31, 2019 by 28 cm unbuffed

[mandyjw]

I used to have a horrible time dealing with my family, especially my in-laws and extended family at gatherings. One thing I started doing is making sure I got outside for a run before I went to those things. I would be tired (but in a good way) and in a good mood from the runner's high which allowed me to be able to interact with them in the moment without so much over-thinking everything and being triggered by things. 

Basically my mind is like a pet dog, it needs exercise or it will destroy the house.  Meditation and mindfulness of my thoughts throughout the day has gone a long way to improve this further in the years since, but I still haven't found anything quite as effective as going for a run before doing something I think might be emotionally challenging. If you aren't into exercise, I'd definitely do a quick meditation session at least to clear your thoughts, or find your own thing that works for you. Self love often looks like self care, self care then allows us to experience and express Self Love. 

[CreamCat]

8 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

Basically my mind is like a pet dog, it needs exercise or it will destroy the house.

You got a serious condition.

[28 cm unbuffed]

@Cykaaaa

I thinks it's working on both the same time. Because the Self, the other people in your life, the whole are also you - the self. 

Let's say you hate a girl, because she cheated on you. When you spend time on hating her, you hate yourself that way, because you prefer to spend time on hating her, then moving on and doing something for yourself. Does it make sense?

[mandyjw]

@CreamCat  Or my mind is a Siberian Husky, not a Shih Tzu. Which I'd suspect is also true of most everyone else on this forum. 

[28 cm unbuffed]

@Cykaaaa 

Yeah, gotcha with that.

There is a quote I read somewhere, that "when you see a love in a girls eye, it is a reflection - meaning, that you love yourself". And I got this kind of moment, with a really hot chick.

What I mean by that - I love myself, that's for sure, but there is a lot of stuff I still do not "like about myself", if that makes any sense. I have problems with my self-esteem too (f.e I'm too scared to approach random girl on a street), or I don't like how my nose looks etc., and I still want to work on these issues. 

And, like you said - you have to work on yourself first, to be able to love others and share love to Self, or at least that's how I understand that.

Like - when you are full of love, it just has to get out from you, to spread towards others. 

Edited December 31, 2019 by 28 cm unbuffed

[Nahm]

@28 cm unbuffed

You’re whole & complete.

You talk to a girl, she’s responsive.

You’re whole & complete.

 

You’re whole & complete.

You talk to a girl, she is not responsive.

You’re whole & complete.

 

What’s “risked”?

What is the risk you are taking?

 

 “Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere. They’re in each other all along.” Rumi

”They will not say here it is, nor there it is, as the kingdom of heaven is within you.” Jesus

[Javfly33]

1 hour ago, Nahm said:

@Javfly33

You’re thinking you need to resolve your thinking. That’s just more thinking. You can let it go and do whatever you want to do. 

You never have anyone’s thought about you, ever. That’s you thinking about what people are thinking about you. It’s separation thinking. 

You are thinking you are a self, loving your self. The beauty of the hyphenated word “self-love”, is it points to that which you are, to what is, to This. Not that which you could or should do, or believe, or find. You are already that, and there’s nothing to think about. You can do what you really want to. 

Yeah, I am seeing I´m falling away again in the "arguing" in my mind in what decision should I do. In both states of mind (doing the decision of self-love, vs doing the decision of putting the other person first) I feel helpless.

So I just going to do what I did last time I did a great decision: I´m not going to "argue" more with my mind : ´m just going to breath deeply let the answer get out on its own.

Edited December 31, 2019 by Javfly33

[Nahm]

@Javfly33 ?♥️

[Javfly33]

 

47 minutes ago, Cykaaaa said:

@Leo Gura I think it would be easier to work on self-love first, and then on Self-Love. I mean, isn't it harder to realize deeper existential truths when you haven't done basic self-help?

Of course Self-Love includes self-love, but it's good to work on the 3rd chakra before the 7th. 

@Cykaaaa I feel that too. I started doing Yoga and in general spirituality before being aware of a lot of self-actualization I had to get done. I only had the desire to "trascend" my mind because even thought I didn´t know back then, I know something was "wrong" with my mind. But once I realized that my lack of self-love with people was so, so clear, I had to stop trying to "trascend" the mind and had put myself to work on the "lower case self".

Of course, we must aknowledge that this is a duality, once you start working on your "lower case self" you realize that it interconnects witht the "capital case Self", so it´s not really about letting go of your ego and going meditate to trasncend all thoughts, and neither is abandoning spirituality and non-duality foundation and going to self-improve just on "controlling" or trying neurotically to "modify" the mind.

To be honest I still discovering, but I think is a beatiful yet misterious interconnectness of both self-Self

[Leo Gura]

2 hours ago, Cykaaaa said:

@Leo Gura I think it would be easier to work on self-love first, and then on Self-Love. I mean, isn't it harder to realize deeper existential truths when you haven't done basic self-help?

Depends of course on where you're at.

[Nivsch]

So simple it easy to underestimate how infinitly intelligent this method is.