Anger towards crush problem

[ltp]

Hi everybody,
 

I'm 24 and I've had a crush for a girl for four years now. We went to the same college for three years and I basically almost never spoke to her then. However all that changed at the beginning of 2019 when she was searching for a flat and me and my flatmate (one of my best friends) offered her to stay with us until she found one (a common friend told her there was room for another person in our flat). She ended up staying with us for three months and we got to know her a little bit - and my attraction for her only increased - all while learning she'd had a boyfriend for several years.

Now fast forward to now. After she moved to her new flat, my flatmate and I kept communicating with her through messages, and occasionally we spent some evenings together too. The problem is, she's been acting in a more and more friendly way towards my flatmate, being more tactile with him, sending him more messages, etc. I know these are probably just friendly signs of affection, as she still is with her boyfriend, but nevertheless I'm feeling more and more jealous, fearful, sad and angry. I'm especially angry when she doesn't answer my messages "quick enough", even if I know my anger is totally unjustified (I can't force her to be interested in me) and is actually just a way for my ego to not be overwhelmed by the sadness of knowing she's not interested.

Anyway long story short, how do I deal with this anger ? I know it's silly, but I can't control it for the moment. I also know the whole thing about liking someone who's already in a relationship isn't great to begin with, but this I cannot help but still do for now (help on addressing this root cause would also be appreciated).

 

Thanks a lot!

 

[Consilience]

Acknowledge the anger fully, feel it fully, but let it go. Just let it go. If you pretend you aren’t angry, you’ll turn that anger into a shadow. Shine the light of awareness on it, which it sounds like you’re doing. Next step is to literally let it go, let the sensations pass and don't bother projecting importance onto them. Your anger for this girl is completely unimportant.

Also let her go; let the need for you and her to be together go. I know it’s difficult, Ive been there multiple times, but it’s really the most conscious decision you can make. Keep in mind she isn’t an object for your pleasure nor is she needed for your happiness or fulfillment in life. Respect her autonomy as an individual being. And as counter intuitive as this is, letting her go is the best choice. If you let go of your neediness to be with her, it’ll either help attract her or you’ll attract another woman. In either case you win. It sounds like she may be into your friend, so just be prepared and ready for that. All is good. Good luck dude. 

 

[28 cm unbuffed]

what helped me a lot was not mental masturbation of "looking at it and letting it go" or some shit

the best way to let go of anger is to get fucking angry and let it out

i put on my boxing gloves and punched the wall like 100 times

best therapeutic session ever

[Martin123]

@ltp Take a piece of paper or a word document on your computer and write your anger out, raw uncensored, however evil, despicable or verbally abusive it may be.
With anger it can be tricky. On a societal and relational level, we all kind of know that unleashing your angry self onto other people isn't very good, but it doesn't mean anger isn't an important and valid feeling that needs to be expressed in some way. Therefor expressing it in a way that doesn't hurt anyone is extremely important for emotional growth.

Fun fact about anger is that any time you are angry, you are discovering a possibility for a personal boundary and an integration of your ego on a deeper level. As you release it, more of your emotional self is discovered. It is also a great way to increase your creativity and relax your mind, as it eases into relaxation through the detoxification of angry thoughts. 

Edited December 28, 2019 by Martin123

[JohnD]

22 hours ago, 28 cm unbuffed said:

the best way to let go of anger is to get fucking angry and let it out

i put on my boxing gloves and punched the wall like 100 times

best therapeutic session ever

As far as I can tell, this isn't how you deal with the root of the issue. Yes, this is cathartic, and releases the built-up anger, but it doesn't take away the source of the anger, and it builds back up again, requiring another outburst. I would go with the advice about letting go and journaling.

[Parththakkar12]

@ltp It's important for you to look into why you're attracted to her, i.e. what exactly do you like about her. When you're attracted to someone who's incompatible, more often than not you attract someone who mirrors an aspect of you which you're suppressing. If you're able to integrate the aspect of you which is her, chances are you'll not be attracted to her anymore.

[universe]

Two answers here

How to deal with your emotions: Have you watched Leos video on emotions? I highly recommend them to you! So basically when you have this situations you come up with a story. And the more you engage with this story the stronger the emotion. For you to have this strong emotion you must think along the lines of "She was supposed to be with ME but now she is more interested in her boyfriend and my roommate! She thinks im not attractive! That means Im not attractive, no girl will ever like me. Blablabla..." This is an example of a situation that makes you feel angry. But its just your interpretation of it. Another equally valid interpretation could be "Great! She isnt attracted to me. That means Im free to date other girls that do like me for who I am and I can find a girl that I will have an even better time and better fit than if I would hang out/get into a relationship with this girl. Cool. The world is so great to be giving me this opportunity to learn from this experience and go on and find my dream partner!" See how the story you tell yourself in your head is changing how you feel about it?

How to increase her chances with you: Have you told her/showed her that you are interested in her? This the first step to get things going between you two. If you havent already, do this as soon as possible. Dont expect her to be instantly whooshed away when you do this. Just state your intent or make a move. Then she can make a decision if she wants to go on with it or no. If she isnt interested, you see that this is not the end of the world right? Do you? Good. If she never engages with you from then on thats cool, you now have more time to spend somewhere else. Find other girls, there are plenty. And if she is interested you can go on and explore that route.

 

[Meetjoeblack]

I am no don Juan. I learned game and pickup to avoid decade and not talkie to a crush. Its not like the movie. It is not easy. Even more off putting is seeing the girls sleeping with all the same men. Seeing girls i had a crush on become a single mom. Shocker to get red pilled and see how it really goes on in the world. 

Nevermind pickup or game. Cultivate a life worth living. Similar to dating and fighting, hesitation never ends well. Uber was originally Magic Cab. One executed. The other is a fantasy. 

The solution imho (for what its worth) is options. Date. Actually approach someone. Start a convo. You immediately see who you like, make a friend or get a date. 

More importantly, what's the alternative? 

I sure have not figured it out yet lol. I am single. I had a weird experience where a girl gave me head then ghosted lol. 

I use to get angry. I use to mental masturbate about it. Its not worth the mental capacity nor time. You are the constant in your life. Start here. 

If i were to guess, your anger is likely being projected onto her when she got a bf and you failed to step up. I met a new girl. I may get rejected. I wont be shy in my pursuit. I don't recommend hesitation in your future. 

[Spiral]

Do the hard thing and stop spending time with her and stop texting with her.

[Meetjoeblack]

On 29/12/2019 at 2:14 PM, Spiral said:

Do the hard thing and stop spending time with her and stop texting with her.

+1

Time is currency. Don't invest anymore.