Dark Knight - Meditation is a BITCH!

[Meditationdude]

I’ve been in a rut for the past 6-12 months and I’ve lost my vision for higher consciousness. I used to be so much happier and motivated for this work but I don’t feel like I’m growing anymore. It used to feel like every 6 months I was a new person and growing exponentially. 

I’m extremely dedicated so it’s not for lack of effort or skill. I’ve asked similar questions on the forum as to how to move through the dark knight (and I’ve been implementing them) but I’m still stuck. Everything in my life is really good and I’ve hit all my needs (love, sex, health, career, friends, etc..) but it feels like I’m just going no where!

its weird... like deep down I’m truly happy but I still have negative thoughts and bouts of serious depression. I know that doesn’t make much sense but that’s how it feels. I’m happy sad lol. 
 

if anyone has some tips on how to deal with the dark knight please let me know bc I’m so lost! I want out!! 
 

Sometimes I wish I had never started meditation. Sometimes I think it saves my life. Oh boy, what a wild fucking ride. 

[Raptorsin7]

Do you practice shadow work? Maybe you have an integrated trauma or shadow side you haven't gone inside and acknowledged?

 Have you talked to an enlightenment coach, or talked 1-1 with someone who you perceive as truly awakened?

There's a poster on here @LfcCharlie4 who speaks pretty confidently about how much help working with a teacher was for him. Maybe go through his post history and look at what he's saying, he seems like he's got the right idea about the spiritual path from what i've seen so far.

Sounds like you're in a good position though. Maybe if you look inside and ask yourself you will find the answer you're looking for.

 

[mandyjw]

The first time I felt like I was really slipping, I gave up and engaged with life more, let myself do things I thought were low consciousness. By doing this I ended up accidentally becoming conscious of the law of attraction and at the same time it felt like it was becoming conscious of me. Then everything blew up and came together in a really freaky/cool way, and after I could see that the low consciousness activities I had chosen were strangely prophetic and deeply spiritual in their own way. I just thought (prejudged) that because I enjoyed them and there was no real "purpose" that they were a waste of time.  If I were you I'd re-examine how you define spiritual "work", and your dedication to it. Spirituality doesn't want to just sleep in your bed with you like you've had an arranged marriage with it, it needs to be a passionate love affair. Powerful attraction to it must overcome the mind's trying to make sense of it. 

[Lento]

Use the Law of Attraction. It always works!

Learn to see the full half of the glass.

"But how?" you ask. "Through mediation" I say.

[purerogue]

I would switch to inquiry, if you want to go mediation way  focus more on basic inner peace, relaxation meditation, it will clearly not make it permanent fix, but it will balance your emotions in more positive way so to say. 

What you are asking for is not that easy to get , you still have doubt, desire that can never be satisfied, I like how Sadhguru put it in one of his videos, how flower gives one fragrance no matter of circumstances, but us humans are jumping from one place to another as soon as something comes our way, all the time looking for something to be good ,bad, interesting, boring, needed, unneeded.

The thing is that there is nothing to really look for, it is all just way of mind, but it is not so easy to see trough this ignorance, as I said, easier said than done.

Edited December 27, 2019 by purerogue

[Gnosis]

What you're describing does not sound strange at all from a developmental perspective.

For you, if deep down there is the sense of total; utter okay-ness and peace, despite anything that is happening on the relative level, such as emotions and so on, then that is genuine realization of Truth. Since you're describing what you're experiencing as a 'Dark Night of the Soul', I assume you already know this on some level.

If this is Not your experience, you can ignore everything I will say next.

You will recognize some time in the future that, That 'sense' of total and utter okay-ness IS the Absolute; it's actually not a "sense" or "feeling" - it's direct Consciousness, and if that's not what it seems like right now, it will become that in time.

It's possible that you will also recognize that the developmental reason for all the emotional arisings which occured, is transformation. That having had genuine realization of Truth, there is actually Space for emotional transformation, which is why it all took place.

Enjoy all the emotions while they're still turbulent. Savor and bask in the negative thoughts and depression - you just might miss it.

I personally envy you having a good material life as you're going through this. When I went through this stage of development, I felt like I had absolutely no one, and objectively, I really didn't have anyone either.

[WelcometoReality]

@Meditationdude Sometimes growth comes from dealing with the negative feelings we are experiencing. Have you investigated what the sadness is about?

[Meditationdude]

@Raptorsin7 It's definitely possible that I have more shadow work to do. When I am in meditation I have many forgotten memories that come up that still seem to affect me in the present (out of meditation). I am working on them but not with an expert, however I am trying to find one that can help me. I would like to find someone who is an enlightened teacher but I wouldn't even know where to start to find one. 

I think the answers are inside of me, but sometimes I forget. 

[Meditationdude]

@WelcometoReality

6 hours ago, WelcometoReality said:

Have you investigated what the sadness is about?

It's about my past with addiction and also my parents. I resent my mother for raising me while an alcoholic and drug addict and my Dad for letting it happen. I feel like I'm dysfunctional and I was never close to my parents so I feel alone. When I am with them I feel no love even though I want to love them. I am sad and worried that when they pass away I am not going to be affected emotionally. My dad was just diagnosed with very serious cancer 6 weeks ago after a 5 bypass heart surgery and it didn't even phase me.  I am sad and worried that I never learned how to love and I am destined to neuroticism and addiction like everyone else in my family. 

[Meditationdude]

13 hours ago, mandyjw said:

@mandyjw If I were you I'd re-examine how you define spiritual "work", and your dedication to it. Spirituality doesn't want to just sleep in your bed with you like you've had an arranged marriage with it, it needs to be a passionate love affair. Powerful attraction to it must overcome the mind's trying to make sense of it. 

Spiritual work for me is something that I feel more passion for than anything else in my life. It's all I think about and really all I care about at this point. Not in an obsessive way or anything, but something I know I was meant for. I recently had some channelling done by a renowned spiritual teacher in Guatemala and she told me in one of my past lives I was an eastern Monk and I travelled the world teaching spirituality. She said I wouldn't be happy in this life unless I was spreading spirituality in some way or form.  

[WelcometoReality]

33 minutes ago, Meditationdude said:

@WelcometoReality

It's about my past with addiction and also my parents. I resent my mother for raising me while an alcoholic and drug addict and my Dad for letting it happen. I feel like I'm dysfunctional and I was never close to my parents so I feel alone. When I am with them I feel no love even though I want to love them. I am sad and worried that when they pass away I am not going to be affected emotionally. My dad was just diagnosed with very serious cancer 6 weeks ago after a 5 bypass heart surgery and it didn't even phase me.  I am sad and worried that I never learned how to love and I am destined to neuroticism and addiction like everyone else in my family. 

No wonder you feel sad but Love is always there underneath all these feelings.

Luckily past traumas can be healed if we let them reemerge. Sometimes we do this work in hope of transcending these types of feelings so we don't have to deal with them. But all it takes is to be present with the feelings that arises and not push them away again. Journaling is a good way to get your feelings into the open. The sadness might be tangled with other feelings such as anger and journaling can "untangle" them. <3

 

[Nivsch]

@Meditationdude Do you train meditation too mechanically or too much the same way all the time?

2. Do you incorporate love and joy in your meditation?

3. Do you do things sometimes just for yourself at the moment? Like walking outside, drink something tasty in slowely way?

4. Are you stuck in your head too much in a way you feel isolated from people instead of calm your head and flow a bit with society sometimes?

 

 

Edited December 27, 2019 by Nivsch

[Meditationdude]

@Nivsch

3 hours ago, Nivsch said:

@Meditationdude Do you train meditation too mechanically or too much the same way all the time?

2. Do you incorporate love and joy in your meditation?

3. Do you do things sometimes just for yourself at the moment? Like walking outside, drink something tasty in slowely way?

4. Are you stuck in your head too much in a way you feel isolated from people instead of calm your head and flow a bit with society sometimes?

1. I meditate the same way; in silence, seated, eyes closed with my object of focus being the hum of electricity/vibration/life force within. I hear it so loudly its kinda like I have tinnitus (but i don't). 

2. Yes, I am super loving and open when I'm in a meditation. I feel joy in almost every sit. 

3. Yes, I have a lot of freedom in my life. I work for myself from home (only 25-30 hrs a week) and I basically do whatever I want. I work outside and love to exercise and take walks with my dog and girlfriend. I also workout with friends regularly outside like running and cycling (at least 2-3 times a week). 

4. I am in my head when I want to be (and prefer to be in solitude) but I can easily switch it on and be very social and engaging. I have tons of friends but I don't know why because I much prefer not talking and being alone.  

For reference I am 33 years old

Edited December 27, 2019 by Meditationdude
words

[Raptorsin7]

@Meditationdude I would work with a teacher man. You seem like you have so much figured out, and you just have a few blind spots or kinks you need to workout. Go read some bio's and stories and see who's story or style resonates with you.

You may have reached the end of what you can accomplish on your own.

[Meditationdude]

@Raptorsin7 ya you’re  right I should find a teacher. I’m going to do that this weekend, Thanks man. 

[Raptorsin7]

@Meditationdude No problem good luck man.