I need help and have nobody to talk to about this

[Alyosha]

Okay...to start out I have actually been working hard on my health and self actualization physically,mentally and emotionally. I have put a lot of work in getting where I am today. But I am still having bumps in the road on my journey. 

 

This current problem comes down to cocaine use. I dont consider myself an addict. My use has always been sporadic. I have gone months without using and day to day I never feel any urges for it. But when things like the holidays come around or my friends come into town, coke eventually shows up and I feel tempted to partake. 

 

When I do coke, it is very hard for me to stop and not take it too far.  I always end up strung out and wake up the next day with a terrible come down. I've regretted this many times before and have made it my new years resolution to end this habit for good. 

 

Well, my brother came to town and his friends came over. He had some on him and I told myself itll be the last time. I didnt wanna feel left out either. 

 

The problem with me when I'm on coke is that I seem to change drastically when it happens. Ideas that would never cross my mind sober seem exciting in that moment. 

Well when I get really up on it, I start to have homosexual urges.  This never seem appealing sober, and I suspect that it happens when I'm on coke because I have had a lack of romance and sex with women for the past few years.  I get horny, but for many reasons I lack the confidence to be with a woman currently. 

So long story short...I wound up on grindr and hooked up with a guy. It felt so right when I was high. But after I came down I felt ashamed of it and paranoid. I dont think there is anything wrong with homosexuality morally. But I feel ashamed that I changed so drastically on drugs and I'm not sure who I even am anymore. 

 

I am paranoid that this will somehow come back to haunt me. I have spent the past two days depressed about all this and feel a lot of self hatred.  I want to talk to someone about this, but I dont feel comfortable about talking to my therapist in the past about this and I know it will be a process to find a new one. 

 

I truly believe this is the moment that makes me quit for good. But this shame weighs on me. I just need someone to listen and possibly help me see this in a different light. I feel very bleak currently. 

[Surfingthewave]

@Alyosha There are several things that stand out in your post. Why you feel the urge to take drugs when they don't make you feel good, your difficulties coming to terms with your sexuality and your sense of shame that this brings you. 

When we bring suffering on ourselves there are many reasons for this. Journalling your feelings may help you to pick this apart if you don't feel like talking to someone. Is confidence something you struggle with? Why do you think the thoughts you have of being gay leave you feeling uneasy? 

You describe having bumps in the road of your self actualisation journey, why do you think you are having these? 

 

Edited December 26, 2019 by Surfingthewave

[Alyosha]

4 hours ago, Surfingthewave said:

@Alyosha There are several things that stand out in your post. Why you feel the urge to take drugs when they don't make you feel good, your difficulties coming to terms with your sexuality and your sense of shame that this brings you. 

When we bring suffering on ourselves there are many reasons for this. Journalling your feelings may help you to pick this apart if you don't feel like talking to someone. Is confidence something you struggle with? Why do you think the thoughts you have of being gay leave you feeling uneasy? 

You describe having bumps in the road of your self actualisation journey, why do you think you are having these? 

 

I'd be happy to answer these questions in depth. 

 

1. I have actively tried to be healthier and stay away from drugs, and often times this is the case. As I've managed to stay away from it for months at a time. 

The real reason it still gets to me at times is the peer pressure. It's not necessarily active peer pressure. I just come into situations that tempt me because in the moment I want to be apart of the fun. I am very close with my brother, and this is how him and his friends choose to party when they're in town. Especially around holidays. Although I'm aware of how it will make me feel bad, I convince myself in the moment that its worth it, and that I'll be able to contain myself better than I have before, which often proves futile. 

Gay thoughts and urges leave me feeling uneasy because they are usually triggered through cocaine. In my every day sober life, I feel like a straight man. I have rarely had these urges in a sober state. I have never felt attraction towards my friends or had any real romantic feelings towards men.

All my gay feelings have been purely sexual and mostly under the influence of drugs. The feelings I feel for women are much greater than men that it isnt even worth comparing. 

Essentially, I feel ashamed of my gay urges because they feel more as a drug fueled fetish rather than an authentic part of myself worth exploring. I dont feel like I'm hiding or withholding a part of myself in every day life like a person who is legit gay or bi would be doing if they refused to come out. 

And the issue with confidence ties into this too. Over the past few years, I have gone through a rough patch with women in my dating life. The past few attempts I've made at dating have not gone my way. And it lead to me really questioning my confidence and with dating and attracting women. I have actively taken time away from dating as a result. 

I've also had physical issues in this regard. I have been dealing with chronic digestive issues that have made it difficult to have a normal eating routine. I've had fits of vomiting and an inability to keep food down on and off for years.  I've lost a lot of weight as a result. I have finally found the proper resources to help me get past this and I am feeling much better. But it's a long grind to get to a healthy weight. And right now, I cant imagine physically being with a woman at my current weight. I think if a woman wanted to have sex at this moment, I'd deny her as I wouldn't feel attractive enough. I'd feel too self conscious about my skinny frame being shown and being that vulnerable. 

I've also had a past of erectile dysfunction. Partially caused by my penis being calloused from masturbation and partially from performance anxiety. I've had trouble orgasming and keeping it up in the past due to these issues and it has played a role in me avoiding sex with women. 

 

So I think these confidence issues I've experienced and am currently working have caused me to avoid my normal urges. And when I'm influenced by drugs, I seek sexual pleasure through homo erotic urges/playing the role of the bottom because I want to feel something in that moment. I only have interest in giving pleasure to men if I chose to hook up with one, as I my past with ed makes me afraid of trying to receive. 

 

It all feels so complex and I'm not sure where to go from here other than to obstain from masturbation for awhile and continue to work on myself physically and emotionally. And of course avoid drugs. 

[Surfingthewave]

@Alyosha Thank you for opening up here. 

You seem like you are going through a lot, physically, mentally and emotionally. You seem to be chasing pleasure (as we all do) but for the wrong reasons, perhaps. As you are self actualising you may find you backslide a lot before you go forwards so maybe this pleasure you seek in sex and drugs is giving you quick relief from the difficult inner work you are doing (but I'm no expert). 

I think you're right to obstain while you continue to do this work. What I also suggest is giving yourself pleasure in more healthy ways such as going for therapy massages and/or reiki healing as it sounds like you have a lot of blocked energy. I would also say how do you express yourself creatively, as you go through this work you may find strong emotions or feelings arise so it's how you channel this in more healthier way. Music, art, walking in nature to get back in touch with who you are.

You also mention digestive problems. You may have blocked chakras so you could look into this. If you suffer with a lot of fear and anxiety this could be linked. Your body may be purging all the negative stuff. Suffering from erectile dysfunction can impact on all aspects of your life, so here is where you may need some more expert help. It's important to give yourself self love during this time. Remember this suffering you are going through will be temporary, this will pass. Keep doing the meditation and healing. 

My other suggestion is do talk about it. When we keep problems in our heads the power it can have over us is immense. When you talk to those you trust it releases the power and blocked emotions. 

Good luck on your journey ? 

Edited December 27, 2019 by Surfingthewave

[mandyjw]

Just throwing this out there, it's interesting that you do cocaine because you want to connect with your brother and his friends, and perhaps when you are high this desire or intention for connection can only be interpreted in a very base sexual way? Is it possible that you have a desire to build an honest relationship with your brother or other male friends? Something tells me that while your relationship with your brother is a close one, it is not an honestly close one because he would understand and honor your desires for a better life and self actualization more than partying. 

@Surfingthewave Has some great suggestions. Focus on self love and self care. Your thoughts are weaving a lot of story lines about being unworthy that are not in any way true. Art, nature, meditation, running, yoga, music, comedy or anything healthy you love that puts you into a different positive state are the best tools to interrupt these thoughts. Make a conscious resolution not to entertain these thoughts anymore. The need to connect and engage with things we don't actually chose to connect with will go away if we can allow ourselves to truly connect with ourselves. You are worthy of love. No thought that says otherwise is true.