My dad cheated on my mom

[w4read]

So, I was informed about my father cheating on my mother four days ago.  It turned out that he had meat an old flame from high school randomly in a sports store and ended up contacting her afterwards. Apparently this happened back in may this year. Furthermore he kept meating this woman for over 6 months until my mom finally had him admit that he was cheating, which she started to suspect a couple of months earlier.  This woman has now become my fathers new girlfriend, and my father has moved out from our house and to his mothers upper floor.

Atm I'm struggling to cope with the whole situation. I don't know what to think, what to feel or what to do. It just feels totally empty inside and I really have no clue where I should go from here. I'm in another city studying and working ( also now during the holidays) and haven't been able to have any deep talks with my father as i didn't known what to say to him before I left.

My father used to be one of my most important role models and I saw him as a flawless person who always knew how to deal with every situation. I guess this is why this makes it extra hard. Even though I could understand ( and even wish for them) that they would break up eventually, I could never see it end with him cheating like this and lie about it for 6 months. 

How should i deal with this situation? Should I forgive him and keep the relationship as before? Should I talk to a friend about it? Any thoughts?

Thanks in advance.

[Eph75]

Things happen. If you put someone up on a pedestal then you are bound to get disappointed. He is still human. Humans  make mistakes. What good does hating him for the rest of your lives do? Talking to someone is good. Talking to him might be the hardest thing, but such a constructive talk without hostility is probably the most useful thing, if you can manage such a talk. 

Edited December 26, 2019 by Eph75

[w4read]

@Eph75 Well, maybe I should specify, I don't hate him. Right now I feel nothing but emptiness.

But thanks for the other suggestions. If I were to talk to him in the nearest future it would have to be through phone, and I think I would feel much more comfortable doing it face-to-face. I could of course travel home to do that. but i don't know. I'm just very confused about the whole situation and how to practically deal with it. It's only been four days since this whole bomb just exploded right in our face, so maybe I just need more time and the situation will solve itself naturally idk. Howevere, I understand that everything has happened for some reason ( which i yet don't understand but should try to understand) so I don't find any reason to judge or hate, I would never do that. 

When that's said I think your'e definitely right about putting him on a pedestal. Even though I started to see him more as a human when i grew up and not this great authority who always knew what's best I still had unreasonably high expectations from him. 

I will talk to a friend, I will do that.

 

[ajasatya]

@w4read Spare yourself huge surprises: there has been certainly A LOT of awkward things going on between your parents for quite a long time.

[w4read]

@ajasatya That can definitely be confirmed. My mother has told me a lot of what's been going on "behind the scenes". But yeah, I was surprised when she told me of course. 

[Dlavjr]

Don't identify yourself with your father. His actions are his own. You are your own person. He's human, he makes mistakes, nobody's perfect. Devilry for the common ego mind is near unavoidable. He is your father, though, and if you love him unconditionally, then you love him for who he is, not what he does. It's hard to swallow, but it's not your direct situation. It's between your parents and your father's now girlfriend, all you can do is be there for both parents and hope they make it out of the situation having learned something, grown, and ultimately happy. Personally I don't recommend idolizing people, because typically it's a delusion, you're worshipping who you see them as, not who they really are. Don't let situations that don't directly involved you severe your relationship and control your emotions. 

(As a side note I'd like to say I'm not de-legitimizing your problem, it's not easy to detach yourself in situations like this, especially when it's your own family, but in my experience this is the best way to conceptualize problems such as these where you're kind of powerless to the situation but it's still affecting you)

[Spiral]

Live and let live, as they say. 

[Matt8800]

@w4read Nobody is flawless. To expect that from anyone is unfair. Life is much more nuanced than that and you dont know about all the issues in the marriage. The marriage may have been causing pain that you were unaware of. Its very possible it was time for them to go their separate ways.

Tell him that you are hurt and give him an opportunity to apologize. If he apologizes sincerely, forgive him totally.

[w4read]

Thanks for the responses guys. I don't judge anyone or anything in this situation, I must emphasize that once again. I also understand that there has been a lot going on behind the scenes and as I said, if I got to choose I would probably want for them to separate anyway. The problem ( or should I say challenge) for me lies in how to deal with the situation on a practical level. There's no feelings or thoughts that point me in any direction, I'm just totally lost. For example how should I deal with the fact that my dad now has a new girlfriend? Should I get to know her or just live my life separately from their "little bubble"? I don't have any hard feelings towards my dad ( I'm a bit disappointed but i feel like that more because of the whole situation and that reality basically has changed a lot lately, which my ego don't like I guess) and it's definitely in my best interest to forgive him, but does that make it right to actually forgive him?  Also my mother says she takes it ok, but my gut feeling says otherwise. How would you deal with that?

There's no real answer to all these questions i get that, but I feel like it would bring a lot of value to the table to hear how you would deal with this situation if you were in my shoes. Anyway, aqain, thanks for the responses, i really appreciate it. 

[DrewNows]

@w4read what are you feeling? personally if Id share how you feel about the situation with both your dad/his gf and then your mom. You need to connect with yourself on an emotional level, not for the purpose of blaming or Judging their actions but so you voice how it has impacted you to make peace with this psychological trauma and move on rather than making a shadow 

[DrewNows]

Basically it’s an expression of your needs, being vulnerable, sharing the conflict you feel inside 

[Forestluv]

@w4read Some of this will work itself out over time. For example, you don’t have to begin a relationship with the gf right now. Maybe that will unfold in the future or maybe you’ll just be acquaintances.

If it were me, I would first try to behave in a way that doesn’t contribute to drama, conflict and hurt. Everyone involved is dealing with a lot right now. Emotions and past wounds can run high. 

It sounds like you are old enough and independent enough not to get pulled in deep (in contrast to a 14y.o. living with their parents). Personally, I don’t like feeling unresolved in limbo. I might reach out to each parent and keep it fairly light. Let them know I care about them and wish them well - and then perhaps talk a bit about whats going on in my life. My parents would try to get me to take sides, which I’d be careful not to do. 

I tend to feel more for the mom, since her world is likely more groundless and I she is the one left behind without a partner. It sounds like your mom may be internalizing the hurt and isn’t reaching out for support. I would indirectly support and send love to my mom, without it being totally obvious. Subtle things like sending her a nice message - perhaps something positive in your day that reminded you of her that you wanted to share with her. Or perhaps a quick phone call just to let her know you were thinking about her. Feeling loved can help heal. I would open a door and allow space for her to talk with me about the breakup, yet I would allow her to enter or not enter as she wants. I’d also be careful not to put my own issues with the ordeal onto her. She has enough to work through. If I had issues come up, I would try to find support through a friend, a gf or therapist )if it started interfering with my ability to function in life). 

When I’m uncertain what to do, I would try to move toward loving, caring, healing and move away from contributing to drama, conflict and adding in new stuff people might have to recover from in the future. 

I’m just trying to imagine if these were my parents and how I might handle it. Your family dynamics have unique aspects and what I’ve written may or may not have value to your personal situation. 

[Meetjoeblack]

On 26/12/2019 at 5:28 PM, w4read said:

So, I was informed about my father cheating on my mother four days ago.  It turned out that he had meat an old flame from high school randomly in a sports store and ended up contacting her afterwards. Apparently this happened back in may this year. Furthermore he kept meating this woman for over 6 months until my mom finally had him admit that he was cheating, which she started to suspect a couple of months earlier.  This woman has now become my fathers new girlfriend, and my father has moved out from our house and to his mothers upper floor.

Atm I'm struggling to cope with the whole situation. I don't know what to think, what to feel or what to do. It just feels totally empty inside and I really have no clue where I should go from here. I'm in another city studying and working ( also now during the holidays) and haven't been able to have any deep talks with my father as i didn't known what to say to him before I left.

My father used to be one of my most important role models and I saw him as a flawless person who always knew how to deal with every situation. I guess this is why this makes it extra hard. Even though I could understand ( and even wish for them) that they would break up eventually, I could never see it end with him cheating like this and lie about it for 6 months. 

How should i deal with this situation? Should I forgive him and keep the relationship as before? Should I talk to a friend about it? Any thoughts?

Thanks in advance.

Its not your situation to deal with. Stay out of it. Be supporting on both sides without investing in the drama. 

When I was blue pill, I'd think what an asshole a cheater is. After game, red pill, and seeing the world its not black or white. A significant amount of men get cut off from sex especially after the kids come. Its not ideal to cheat but I don't know the circumstances nor is it my business. 

My buddy is married. He had to have a convo with his wife. He comes from a long line of womanisers. He's chosen monogamy but he explained to his wife that he needs it. That if he's made the commitment of marriage and he's not getting it, its going to happen. He said he picked her. She's his first choice but if she's switched off he's going elsewhere. 

Needless to say, problems solved.