When Good Intention Backfires

[PiotrW]

Hello actualized.org forums,

 

I am new here, thought I have been watching Leo's videos for several months.

Today i faced something extremely emotionally Painful and I do not really understand myself, I hope some external insight will help me analyze the situation without my own the personal affect.

First of all I am sorry for my English as it is not my native language. I will try my best to express myself and if something would not be clear please let me know.

 

        I am 28 years old office worker, on my current position for over a year. Lately i noticed a problem in my company that is not really scope of my position and I wanted to take the initiative of solving it. My office is divided into two locations, I am working in the smaller one holding more or less 20 employees, and as I had great success solving that particular issue in my location I wanted to ask one of the employees from the bigger site who is responsible for this particular case ( I will call him C from now on, C is my real life friend for a several months) in the other location if action could be taken there aswell - as a reply i was actually asked to do it. Later on C gave me a few times on how to approach the task, it was more like insisting on doing it his way or not doing it at all, I asked few questions about his way of thinking but I did not get any kind of explanation, except for "because this is how its supposed to be done" so i kindly refused his help.  Therefore after consulting it with my direct manager I have dropped an e-mail to my work colleagues from the other site explaining the situation and my will to solve it ( solving it wouldn't be a hard thing as it was only about making a contact with other department )

   As a reply I did receive an e-mail explaining the whole process, and the reply from C that he will take action himself. As I reply i only wrote "Thanks for letting me know, I don't have any more concerns. Have a great rest of the day"

Later on in the private conversation i got bashed several times by C of how unprofessional I am, how bad and rude my mails are, and how much anger there is on it how poor my English is, and that he feels sorry for me.

       That comment made me extremely angry. And here are the reasons why:

                 - I got taken away initiative that i really wanted to accomplish after identifying the problem

                 - I got bashed by my friend ( who is on the equal position like me)

                  - I got criticized for the way I am writing, expressing emotions, spreading hate while I cannot see anything wrong with the way i write, and my work attitude was discredited

                    Until this point i know how I am feeling this way.

                                      The one question I do have right now and that thing really bugs me. I am old grown guy, I do have most of my life sorted out, but yet i still care about the opinion of others, I still need others people approval and acceptance. And i still cannot handle opinion about myself from others.

Did anyone of You had this problem ? How do You actually face it and get rid of it once for good.

Regards,

Joseph from Poland

 

                      

 

 

 

 

[charlie2dogs]

3 hours ago, PiotrW said:

Hello actualized.org forums,

 

I am new here, thought I have been watching Leo's videos for several months.

Today i faced something extremely emotionally Painful and I do not really understand myself, I hope some external insight will help me analyze the situation without my own the personal affect.

First of all I am sorry for my English as it is not my native language. I will try my best to express myself and if something would not be clear please let me know.

 

        I am 28 years old office worker, on my current position for over a year. Lately i noticed a problem in my company that is not really scope of my position and I wanted to take the initiative of solving it. My office is divided into two locations, I am working in the smaller one holding more or less 20 employees, and as I had great success solving that particular issue in my location I wanted to ask one of the employees from the bigger site who is responsible for this particular case ( I will call him C from now on, C is my real life friend for a several months) in the other location if action could be taken there aswell - as a reply i was actually asked to do it. Later on C gave me a few times on how to approach the task, it was more like insisting on doing it his way or not doing it at all, I asked few questions about his way of thinking but I did not get any kind of explanation, except for "because this is how its supposed to be done" so i kindly refused his help.  Therefore after consulting it with my direct manager I have dropped an e-mail to my work colleagues from the other site explaining the situation and my will to solve it ( solving it wouldn't be a hard thing as it was only about making a contact with other department )

   As a reply I did receive an e-mail explaining the whole process, and the reply from C that he will take action himself. As I reply i only wrote "Thanks for letting me know, I don't have any more concerns. Have a great rest of the day"

Later on in the private conversation i got bashed several times by C of how unprofessional I am, how bad and rude my mails are, and how much anger there is on it how poor my English is, and that he feels sorry for me.

       That comment made me extremely angry. And here are the reasons why:

                 - I got taken away initiative that i really wanted to accomplish after identifying the problem

                 - I got bashed by my friend ( who is on the equal position like me)

                  - I got criticized for the way I am writing, expressing emotions, spreading hate while I cannot see anything wrong with the way i write, and my work attitude was discredited

                    Until this point i know how I am feeling this way.

                                      The one question I do have right now and that thing really bugs me. I am old grown guy, I do have most of my life sorted out, but yet i still care about the opinion of others, I still need others people approval and acceptance. And i still cannot handle opinion about myself from others.

Did anyone of You had this problem ? How do You actually face it and get rid of it once for good.

Regards,

Joseph from Poland

 

                      

 

 

 

 

joseph, you are taking the words of others too personally.  as long as you need the approval and acceptance of other people you will always be hurt.  Joseph you know yourself,  no need to let others put you down, a good friend wouldn't do that,  friends dont do that,  Expectations of others and attachment to others and things will bring pain when those expectations aren't met.  Drop the expectations, attachment and the need to be approved, look at what it is doing to you.  the only thing you should ever expect from anyone else is this,  they will always do what is important to them.  get n touch with your core being, the real you, then nothing anyone says will hurt you.  and sometimes you have to drop people out of your life if they are toxic for you and there is nothing wrong with that.

[Ayla]

@PiotrW There is another way of looking at this, something that I call "love language". 

Is it possible for you to see that your friend C has responded to your actions with FEAR? Can you translate it all into: 

"Joseph, your actions and ability to solve this problem are making me doubt myself and I feel my position in the company threatened. I'd like to have a go in solving this problem my own way so that I too feel capable and worthy". 

Can this be true? How do you treat a child who is scared?  

Nothing is done in life against others. It is only done so that we feel better. Fear has many masks. Ponder this. Think about it, and adjust your reaction to it. You'll be surprised by the outcome if you respond to the inner fear C is showing, and not to its outer manifestation. 

 

[khalifa]

As simple as it sounds, You create your own problems because of your way of thought. Change your perspective and your emotions will change accordingly.

Although changing perspective isn't done overnight it takes quite a while to change habits. Try meditating more often it'll help aid being more aware of yourself/thoughts.

[PiotrW]

@charlie2dogs I do actually have some questions I do understand the general idea of Your statements but some are not exactly clear to me. Does this mean that You have no personal attachments? to friends, family, beloved ones ? If Yes How can you fully live for yourself. I know it might sound like an odd question, but this concept of being completely free of the others is something new to me.

When I think about rest of your declaration I do agree with other things You said. And I will need to change to put them into my daily routine. I should have not let aggressive, degrading comments that bring nothing constructive get into my head. Nor i should react with anger and self-doubt.

@Ayla How do You actually tread a child that is scared? ( I really don't know I never had much contact with kids ). I am not sure if I could see this situation from this point of view. C has always been very grounded about his duties and position, I do not think that he would be ever threatened by this kind of actions, our positions are same paid and are same in company structure ( C's position has a bit more prestige ) and I would never want to replace him as his duties are not appealing me at all. It could be that he did not feel that well for himself that i found the issue that is under his scope he was not aware of. It could be that he didn't felt that good because he was not first to act. But those are only my assumptions.

Outer manifestation of the fear is quite clear to me, but responding to the inner fear ? What do You mean by that

@khalifa Can You explain and tell me more about the perspective you are referring to ? ( I would be glad if You provide some example on it ) 

I heard about meditation but thinking about sitting in silence for several minutes makes ma anxious. How do I actually start, and what are the benefits of meditating ?

 

Thank You all for the responses I think I am getting somewhere. It is amazing how little gave me so much.

 

Regards,

Joseph

[charlie2dogs]

50 minutes ago, PiotrW said:

@charlie2dogs I do actually have some questions I do understand the general idea of Your statements but some are not exactly clear to me. Does this mean that You have no personal attachments? to friends, family, beloved ones ? If Yes How can you fully live for yourself. I know it might sound like an odd question, but this concept of being completely free of the others is something new to me.

When I think about rest of your declaration I do agree with other things You said. And I will need to change to put them into my daily routine. I should have not let aggressive, degrading comments that bring nothing constructive get into my head. Nor i should react with anger and self-doubt.

@Ayla How do You actually tread a child that is scared? ( I really don't know I never had much contact with kids ). I am not sure if I could see this situation from this point of view. C has always been very grounded about his duties and position, I do not think that he would be ever threatened by this kind of actions, our positions are same paid and are same in company structure ( C's position has a bit more prestige ) and I would never want to replace him as his duties are not appealing me at all. It could be that he did not feel that well for himself that i found the issue that is under his scope he was not aware of. It could be that he didn't felt that good because he was not first to act. But those are only my assumptions.

Outer manifestation of the fear is quite clear to me, but responding to the inner fear ? What do You mean by that

@khalifa Can You explain and tell me more about the perspective you are referring to ? ( I would be glad if You provide some example on it ) 

I heard about meditation but thinking about sitting in silence for several minutes makes ma anxious. How do I actually start, and what are the benefits of meditating ?

 

Thank You all for the responses I think I am getting somewhere. It is amazing how little gave me so much.

 

Regards,

Joseph

Joseph, and good teacher or sage will tell you that expectations of others bring disappointment and sometimes pain when your expectation are not met by others, it is the same with attachments, if you cling to others too tightly, when they disappoint you and sometimes leave you for no reason you may understand, it becomes painful.  pain and disappointments in life will get old after a while, and life is better without them, so to aid that you drop the expectations of others, and you dont become too attached.  some people family members are not too kind to them and can create a lot of pain for those with expectations and attachments.

[khalifa]

@PiotrW

Watch these two, it'll help

 

 

[Ayla]

4 hours ago, PiotrW said:

How do You actually tread a child that is scared? ( I really don't know I never had much contact with kids ).

Think back at yourself at 5 years old. Do you remember yourself being afraid of something? If you could go back in time, what would you say to yourself? 

3 hours ago, charlie2dogs said:

C has always been very grounded about his duties and position, I do not think that he would be ever threatened by this kind of actions, our positions are same paid and are same in company structure ( C's position has a bit more prestige ) and I would never want to replace him as his duties are not appealing me at all.

Exactly my point. He may appear "grounded" and "not threatened" but his reaction clearly shows that he didn't receive your genuine help too well. Why do you think that is? Really think about this. See beyond appearances. Would his reaction make sense IF he was scared for his position? IF he saw in you someone more fit to take up his job? 

 

3 hours ago, charlie2dogs said:

responding to the inner fear ? What do You mean by that

I mean reassuring him that the fact that you tried to impose your idea, wasn't "against" him. It was just your way of saying that you believe in what you proposed. Propose to him to work as a team and to share instead of competing. 

It is built in a human being to help others. Look outside. Imagine a lost child in front of your window. What do you do? Without any training at all .. 

 

[PiotrW]

Hi There Again,

 

Sorry for not responding for quite some time. I was being too lazy to respond

@charlie2dogs @Ayla After some thoughts i realized that I required too much approval from C, and in general from others around me i started to build my independent inner personality that seeks no approval - obviously it will take time but at least i know where I aim heading. ( We are good again, he confessed to me that he had a very stressful day, however i warned him not to talk to me like that ever again )

 

@khalifa I did watch the videos but I do no understand the general purpose and how to start it. It is very hard for me to sit still and think about emotions, I am getting easily distracted and anxious. May bye ill give it a try other time, but in general i think meditating is not my thing.

[khalifa]

@PiotrW try starting with a simpler one 

 

 

 

 

 

http://liveanddare.com/benefits-of-meditation/

 

http://www.scientificamerican.com/video/how-does-meditation-change-the-brai2013-10-30/

 

These 2 videos also relate to your emotional well-being as it goes deeper into exploring why you feel the way you do

http://www.actualized.org/articles/how-your-mind-distorts-reality

 

http://www.actualized.org/articles/grasping-the-illusory-nature-of-thought