Food Addiction

[King Merk]

I'm a struggling food addict. 

Multiple times per day I feel a strong urge to gorge myself until I'm physically so full I can't take another bite. 

I'm not overweight or suffering from health issues. In fact, I've been a fitness trainer for years. I'm 220lbs of lean muscle at 10% BF. My body looks great and more often than not I'm eating healthy foods.

I do intermittent fasting and Keto with great results. 

However, at least once a week (but more often 2-3times) I'll go on an epic food binge. I'll eat 10,000+ kcal in a single day. Gorging on wheat and sugar which are things I normally avoid. 

I've even stuffed myself to the point of phsyically puking before. 

I've been doing this for years and while I can maintain good health, it's inhibiting my self mastery process. I always have guilt, shame and brain fog after these binges.

I just can't seem to cut this behavior out of my life. I've tried so hard for so long. 

What is this void I fill inside? Why do I constantly feel the desire to fill it with food? How the fuck do I overcome this?

Any advice would be highly appreciated. This ghost has haunted me long enough

[flume]

@King Merk This is the best video on bulimia I’ve come across so far:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vQvNBVvCt3g

Here’s how it was for me: Additionally to what she says in the video, I tend to live in the minds of other people a lot. I put everything into perspective for them so I don’t speak up because I ‘understand where they’re coming from’. But in the process of doing this, no one understands and stands in for myself. Being overly empathic I have forgotten who I was, I lost myself in the world and had no sense of self. I often disregarded myself for the sake of others.

My way of healing is coming to understand this: I’m important and my only job is to communicate how I feel and stop expecting others to know how to treat me out of thin air. My feelings are valid and important, my point of view is valid and important, I deserve to be respected. You could also call this working on boundaries.

Something then fell into place and I suddenly don’t feel like I’m living in a scattered world anymore. Everything becomes very clear and focused. Oh boy it feels good to not have my sense of self ‘out there’ in the world but in my centre directly. It was quite mind meddling to find out that there's really nothing enlightened about putting others needs before yours and I believe those ego boundaries have to harden first before they can soften again.

I’m very much like you in the regard of food actually. I’m (sometimes a bit too) concerned with eating healthy but I tell myself that it’s important to eat healthily so it’s a fine thing to obsess over. If you’re anything like me you feel that this is a double edged sword that sometimes works for you, sometimes against you. It’s so easy to abuse something that you have so much knowledge of and that is objectively ‘good’ for your health.

So the video is great and maybe you’ll understand or relate to what people come to say here, but it probably won’t really help you. I tried for a long time to resolve this issue myself because it can’t be that difficult, right? But I was just pushing myself further into it until I couldn’t anymore. Going to therapy was the only way out for me. Even if you’re working on yourself a lot, there are many obvious pattern you carry with you that are not in your awareness yet and they’re holding you back. Going to therapy is actually a very simple step but it’s not easy because you have to admit that you have a problem which you can’t solve on your own. But if I did it you can do it. All the best!

[King Merk]

@flume I’ll be honest, when I first read your text reference to my condition as “bulimia” I had an instant egoic reaction of “what that fuck does this person know, I’m not bulimic” 

But then I watched that video. 

Ive never honestly considered that my food issue was bulimia before. I always framed it as a lack of discipline. A lack of commitment. Never I have a serious emotional problem... I’ve been gaslighting myself this whole time. 

Thank you so much for Taking the time to comment on this post. Thank you for sending that video. It just turned my self image upside down. Seriously. 

I broke down to tears watching that video. 

I’ve spent so much of my time and energy trying to transcend the self because I can’t stand the self that I am...

And that’s fucked?

You’re a blessing??❤️

Edited December 24, 2019 by King Merk

[Matt23]

I've had similar experiences.  

I think what's helped me is 20 mins a day self-inquiry and also backing off on the intense meditation.

Also, I've started doing reiki on myself and I usually feel good.

Holotropic breathwork too.  

I think, for me, I wasn't noticing subtle feelings of anxiety and pain which I perhaps had go work through.  

Hard to say what it was though.  Maybe environment changes?