I need help

[Mindfang413]

Im not sure where this should go. I dont know what i am or what my views are anymore. Whether im spiritual or atheistic or skeptic. All i know is i need to reach out because i am suffering and desperate to understand. To have a perspective. I need help. So here it is:

I used to perceive everything as complete. As nessesary. That everything that is, whether universally or as life, made complete sense. I always had an inate curiosity and love for life and watched documentarys about animals and space and just liked to know how things worked. Suddenly, after certain questions formed in my brain, reality no longer made any sense. I had many questions, it honestly seems like ive questioned every question about reality thats possible and contemplated them all to death. But no matter how much i think about them, ive never come to any conclusive answer. Some pretty insane. But the most fundamental questions that started all this in me were these: "what is life? What is death? Why does it exist? What is its purpose? Why does anything exist? Is everything just mechanical? Does the universe and anything beyond only exist simply because it just does and for no reason? If everything that is, is meaningless, then how does life have any significance either if its part of it?" I think the question that trips me up the most is "how and why do I exist?"
My biggest problem is no matter how much i glorify life or even spirit and how beautiful it is and any reasons i think it should exist, theres still the underlying fact that there is no objective meaning to any of it. Theres even no meaning to god if he exists. God has his own meaning i guess as an entity and creator but he has no purpose either. Theres nothing beyond god. And if we look at it athiestically, theres nothing beyond the universe and life. As a whole, theres nothing beyond EXISTENCE itself. Anything that is alive or conscious ONLY has meaning inside itself. In its emotions. This disturbs and bothers me to no end. I never feel comfortable. I dont even feel like a living entity anymore, i am more like an observer to everything, even god. Not to mention my depression is so severe, my emotions are stunted to the point i hardly feel anything and thus, cannot even see significance in anything. I cant even see significance of existence itself. I used to love everything. Deeply and intensely. I used to feel incredible fear and anxiety. Maybe i still have fear but i am just not registering it in my psyche anymore? I feel totally fucked up. I dont understand how im even here, how i can actually be aware of this moment right now, how i can actually see out of my eyes. Are there actually others outside of myself or is everything a hallucination? The others around me have to be having a real experiance of their own right? But why does that matter? I feel like experiances and emotion dont matter. I feel broken. I cant perceive my emotions, i dont even want to because i desire nothing, except to understand reality. At the same time, i hear things like "we love you" and "you owe it to yourself to feel better and feel happy" and i get reminded of my existence as a human. Its so hard to feel like an individual. I cant feel my feelings. At the same time i do but dont care about them. I just dont get this. I feel so numb and so confused. I feel great resentment of having been conceived and brought into existence. I not only feel it for myself but for all of life. It seems unfair for life to exist as a purposeless part of existence and have to think about why its here when its completely irrelevant. And yet theres so many people who DO value life and love existing. I feel indifferent and i dont know how to not feel that way when everything appears to be ultimately pointless. I have a very conflicting thought pattern that life is special and meaningful because it is creatures who feel and experiance while at the same time i see no significance in emotions or in life in general. Some days i lean on one side where life seems so incredibly important and valid and i can be emotional while most others, im completely indifferent to the idea.

What the fuck is going on??? I dont understand anything, i havent for over a year now. Reality makes absolutely no sense and its scary.

[crab12]

22 hours ago, Mindfang413 said:

what is life? What is death? Why does it exist? What is its purpose? Why does anything exist? Is everything just mechanical? Does the universe and anything beyond only exist simply because it just does and for no reason? If everything that is, is meaningless, then how does life have any significance either if its part of it?

how and why do I exist?

Can you give your current best answers to these questions? I'd like to see how they are different from mine.

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My biggest problem is ... there is no objective meaning to any of it. Theres even no meaning to god if he exists. God has his own meaning i guess as an entity and creator but he has no purpose either.

A teacher, I highly respect, once talked about karmic yoga, which was very profound to me. He explained: "What is karmic yoga? Very simple, It's two things. First, you discover your true self. And after that, you fulfill your god-given purpose." That right there is the recipe for a meaningful life, or the elusive path to happiness.

What is your purpose in life? You can always feel it in your gut. You probably know it as the feeling of want. The thing that you deep down want the most in life. That's it. God literally wants you to do what you want to do. But until you discover your true self you will not accurately know what you want.

And what is true self? Obviously you are not it right now as you said it yourself - "I feel totally fucked up". Anxiety and depression are telling you the same thing. Feeling fucked up is you recognizing that you are out of alignment with your true self.

Imagine, your true self is a mirror, but it has been shattered into a hundred pieces. You want to mend those shards back together into one. Anxiety and depression are a good clue to start with. Why are you depressed? Why do you feel anxious? If you are from a western country then I'm going to assume it's because your family and upbringing was dysfunctional and now you are unable to form close, intimate, enduring, meaningful relationships and you feel chronically alone and in pain. Also you have the same dysfunctional relationship with yourself, as with other people. You don't love yourself. What is love, in your opinion?

edit: It's no use trying to contemplate or think yourself to a sense meaningfulness, which you so desperately crave right now. Let it go for now. It will slowly reveal itself to you if you start doing things. Start by fixing the problems causing depression and anxiety.

edit2: By "doing things" I mean doing things that put the broken mirror back together. Or in other words, get you closer to your authentic being.

Edited December 23, 2019 by crab12

[kag101]

Wow, man, I can really relate to what you're going through. 

 

23 hours ago, Mindfang413 said:

But the most fundamental questions that started all this in me were these: "what is life? What is death? Why does it exist? What is its purpose? Why does anything exist? Is everything just mechanical? Does the universe and anything beyond only exist simply because it just does and for no reason? If everything that is, is meaningless, then how does life have any significance either if its part of it?" I think the question that trips me up the most is "how and why do I exist?"

Here's a fragment of a poem by Fernando Pessoa:

 

I light a cigarette as I think of writing 

And I savor the release of all thoughts in my cigarette.

I follow the smoke as its own route,

And I enjoy, in a sensitive and competent moment,

The liberation of all speculation

And the awareness that metaphysics is a consequence of being in a bad mood.

 

In other words, when you're enjoying your life, your mental health is stable, and your needs are being met; all those deep existential unanswerable questions are no longer so relevant. 

 

23 hours ago, Mindfang413 said:

I dont even feel like a living entity anymore, i am more like an observer to everything, even god.

"Dissociation is any of a wide array of experiences from mild detachment from immediate surroundings to more severe detachment from physical and emotional experiences. The major characteristic of all dissociative phenomena involves a detachment from reality, rather than a loss of reality as in psychosis.

Dissociation is commonly displayed on a continuum. In mild cases, dissociation can be regarded as a coping mechanism or defense mechanisms in seeking to master, minimize or tolerate stress – including boredom or conflict."

 

23 hours ago, Mindfang413 said:

At the same time, i hear things like "we love you" and "you owe it to yourself to feel better and feel happy" and i get reminded of my existence as a human.

That was really beautiful. 

 

23 hours ago, Mindfang413 said:

I feel great resentment of having been conceived and brought into existence.

 

23 hours ago, Mindfang413 said:

Some days i lean on one side where life seems so incredibly important and valid and i can be emotional while most others, im completely indifferent to the idea.

This is called clinical depression. And to overcome it, you need good professional help.  

 

I have recently written a topic about how psychotherapy and psychiatry has helped me:

I hope you get better! 

[Anubis]

Going through a very similar phase @Mindfang413 . I feel you. I hope it gets better for you, its not easy. 

On 23/12/2019 at 1:04 PM, crab12 said:

 

What is your purpose in life? You can always feel it in your gut. You probably know it as the feeling of want. The thing that you deep down want the most in life. That's it. God literally wants you to do what you want to do. But until you discover your true self you will not accurately know what you want.

Im not sure about this. The purpose of your life is what you make of it regardless of God or whatever else. People who lived in the middle ages didnt have the luxury to ask themselves this question for example; when really many of them would have had lived more purposeful lives if they had done something else than harvesting wheat in the summer and salting pork to survive in winter. Deep down that farmer would have wanted to be an explorer, a musician or maybe he would have been a great businessman. But because of the context of the time and place, he was confined to being a peasant. That became his purpose. 

Or maybe i'm wrong, maybe we have a different understanding of the word purpose. Maybe you would call that destiny instead.. 

 

Quote

And what is true self? Obviously you are not it right now as you said it yourself - "I feel totally fucked up". Anxiety and depression are telling you the same thing. Feeling fucked up is you recognizing that you are out of alignment with your true self.

Why is the true self not feeling fucked up? Why wouldn't that be the case instead? Why does the true self have to be an alignement?

So many things in reality are out of alignement as well as in alignement, why is one true and not the other? 

(i dont mean to nitpick also, was just intriguided by your answers to OP's question, so thanks for that input) 

Edited December 24, 2019 by Anubis

[crab12]

@Anubis

The peasant from the middle ages thinks to himself "Wow I hate my job. I work 8 hours every day on my lords fields, then when I come home, I have barely enough energy to work on my own fields or make salt pork for the winter! All I want is to be a famous lyre player who gets all the wenches or an explorer like Columbus or Polo!". Then doubts start creeping in on the peasant. "But I have to work on the lords fields, otherwise he'll beat me again. And I won't survive the winter or be able to afford 5g pigeon network! And father wants me to inherit the farm. And I suck at the lyre! I can't even read! I have no idea where to start as an explorer! God, why have you cursed me like this??"

Quote

Deep down that farmer would have wanted to be an explorer

The peasants true self (the thing he deep down wants the most) is to be an explorer. But he isn't one, he's a stinky peasant. He's actual self is out of alignment with his true self.

But he just thought about it, and it's absolutely impossible for him to be an explorer. There's no way. He has to peasant away at the farm. He'll never be an esteemed lyre player. So he gets depressed and anxious. He doesn't want to think about this depressing thought that he'll be a lowly stinky peasant for the rest of his life. He pushes this painful thought out of his mind. He no longer even remembers the original thought but still feels the crippling depression and anxiety. So he goes to the pharmacy for advice.
"Why is this depression and anxiety torturing me for absolutely no reason at all?"
"It's the chemical imbalance in the liver, too much bile. An awful modern curse", answers the voice behind the plague mask. "Here, take these pills made out of marinated cadaver eyeballs and dried cat testicles. They'll numb you and you'll no longer feel any emotions, including depression and anxiety. You're welcome."
"Thanks, I'll take those pills. Yeah that'll solve the problem. I'm not going to do something crazy like run away from the farm to a free city! That's dangerous and uncomfortable. I might even die out there!"

[Mindfang413]

Why is it that so many people on the spiritual path end up feeling whole, at peace and love and ive ended up realising the truth but still shitty about it? Its like i dont even see the significance i am a loving, creative consciousness that can feel...i think some of it is i never really asked to exist? Not as a human but as my whole self. I feel uneasy that i just HAVE to exist. That i even exist at all. Maybe i knew i wanted to do all the things i wanted to do but now i wish i never existed. Yes, love is a gift. It is, i just feel trapped and in a meaningless void.

[crab12]

I have never felt like that, so I don't have any advice to give from my own life. However, what you are saying does ring a small recognition. Watch this whole video:

Does this sound familiar to you?

[Forestluv]

@Mindfang413
You often say that you are upset that there is no meaning. Yet is that what you are truly upset about?

If I told you the word sezqwis has no meaning, would that make you upset? Of course not.

If I told you that dirt has no meaning to rocks, would that upset you? Of course not. 

You don’t seem too upset that a man you’ve never met in Uruguay feels like his life lacks meaning.  

“No meaning” is upsetting when relative to me, me, me. Meaning keeps the “me” story going. Of course “me” will throw a hissy fit when it finds out the gig is up.

Absence of meaning is an important realization to transcend the “me”. This is is a liberating process. All that meaning are chains that restrict and imprison You. Meaning can enslave You. However, that is not the meaning you give to meaning. You have created meaning such that no meaning means a terrible thing for “me”. If You realized absence of meaning freed you from a self prison, you would be joyful and celebrating. 

 

[Anubis]

@crab12

Hehe I appreciate the dedication ..makes sense. 

 

 

Merry Christmas to all!

Edited December 26, 2019 by Anubis

[Mindfang413]

Thank you for your replies. And if youve replied to any of my other posts. I always read every reply carefully but often feel overwhelmed to reply to specific answers, esspesially since my ability to answer in a coherent way is inhibited right now.

[Mindfang413]

9 hours ago, Serotoninluv said:

“No meaning” is upsetting when relative to me, me, me. Meaning keeps the “me” story going. Of course “me” will throw a hissy fit when it finds out the gig is up.

So when we get rid of the me/ego, we're just left with an awareness, yes? Is that what god is in its truest form is just awareness? Are feelings only something you can experiance as living being/ego?

9 hours ago, Serotoninluv said:

Absence of meaning is an important realization to transcend the “me”. This is is a liberating process. All that meaning are chains that restrict and imprison You. Meaning can enslave You. However, that is not the meaning you give to meaning. You have created meaning such that no meaning means a terrible thing for “me”. If You realized absence of meaning freed you from a self prison, you would be joyful and celebrating. 

Ya, this resonates with me. I agree it seems ive made a prison from meaning which is kinda ironic.

[Forestluv]

2 hours ago, Mindfang413 said:

So when we get rid of the me/ego, we're just left with an awareness, yes? Is that what god is in its truest form is just awareness? Are feelings only something you can experiance as living being/ego?

Ime, its more about attachment/identification to me/ego. There are appearances of thoughts that could be considered “me”, yet the level of attachment, identification and immersion into that “me” has greatly reduced, as has the associated pain and suffering (yet also transient self-centered highs). 

My body still feels feelings. The feelings are much purer to because there aren’t many thought stories of distraction. The mind and body are more in tune with feelings appearing now. As well, there is an energetic shift of feelings. More common feelings that appear are feelings of connection, curiosity, awe, empathy, peace and love. Less common feelings are insecurity, fear, jealousy, anger, self pity, resentment and hate. They may pop up occasionally, yet it doesn’t take long for those types of feelings to dissolve.