Girlfriend is Severely Depressed / Suicidal

[VictorB02]

Hey forum, I have something going on in my life that I literally have no idea how to handle. 

Basically my girlfriend that I love dearly is severely depressed and is even suicidal. She has faced waves of depression on and off her whole life, has been on Zoloft when she was in 8th grade, and then attempted killing herself when she came off them but her attempt didn't work, so she has a long history with her depression.

This past week she has been telling me that this is the worst it's been in years, that she wrote suicide letters to her family, and stopped and broke down when she came to write my letter. She also is constantly sleeping, and barely eating. When she tells me these things I get emotional and just tell her I'm there for her, and that its all going to be okay. I have a pressure on me because I know I am really the only one there for her, but I don't know what else to do - I feel hopeless and trapped. 

 

My question is what would you do in this situation? She has said she doesn't want help from a professional, and to not tell anybody so they don't worry, but should they? Is this a cry for help or is it a bad idea to do something she clearly has told me to not do? 

Any advice is appreciated, thanks!

[remember]

it`s a very difficult topic as depression is not a joke. i would start supplementing with rhodiola rosea and vitamin d and b vitamins, trying to go up to the highest possible dose with rhodiola. also you could experiment with fermented cacao beans that was a tip i got here in the forum against addiction that helped me big times and it also helped my mood, so i guess it could help her, too, ten or so a day. be really warm and nice to her. also sleep deprivation can help her actually (except if she`s manic deppresive then it might swing into the other direction)

if it`s seasonal depression, like winter depression, you could also try light therapy.

i guess it`s maybe really better not to talk to her family about it, as it might also make it worse because they then might interfere, what could be counterproductive. although it might help her to talk with a psychologist about what she could do - in some sense there is not much to do in a situation like that. except figuring out what is causing it - or medication. but if it`s really painful, medication would still be a possibility, maybe you could talk her into having medication just in case in the house. she then can always decide if she still can stand it or wants something - like with headache.

what about christmas? not sure if it`s a good time to let her alone then - if you celebrate with family rather take her with you instead leaving her alone.

Edited December 18, 2019 by remember

[VictorB02]

@remember thank you

[remember]

@VictorB02 you`re welcome! hope she`s better soon! love is a very very important part of helping her, it`s not something that will resolve fast - she has to figure out what can help her and then always be prepared.

[rNOW]

I used to be severely depressed for a while in my life, though it was a situational depression and has now come to pass. I write this from my personal experience, of what went on in my head and how I came to fix it. It is no easy means and the whole process of being depressed to being completely free from it, was around 9 years. So please be patient. 

For me, I felt really trapped in life. What I mean by this is my thoughts and emotions were in constant contradiction. Good feelings would contradict each other and result in guilt or any other negative feelings. The reason for this was - my constant need to be everything to everyone without hurting anyone including myself. But if that wasn't possible, at least, I shouldn't hurt others, even at the cost of me being hurt. Then by contradicting this thought, I would immediately fall into resentments towards others and myself for causing this hurt to myself. And then I would do something nice for others to make myself feel better for a while and then repeat the whole process endlessly. Why did I do this? - Codependency and low self esteem. I viewed myself through other people's eyes, and I assumed what they saw of me wasn't that good. And I wanted to change it so badly. 

So instead of trying and sorting these contradictions, I used to get swayed by them and think there was something wrong with me because of this. That often lead me to spend days planning ways to commit suicide. But deep down, I just wanted these contradictions to end, not my life. 

Luckily for me, the situation that was the primary cause of this, changed and I got slightly better. The final straw was actually accidental. I came to realize that all my thoughts, are borrowed thoughts from my parents, teachers, friends, etc. It was just a trivial revelation I had suddenly when I noticed the voice in my head was speaking to me in the exact same tone and wording that my mom talked to me. So there it was as real as the sun in the sky- that I had no original thoughts of my own. They are all borrowed, including all the contradictions I used to have. Once I realized this, I thought, since all the thoughts are borrowed, I  must borrow better thoughts from better sources. So I started reading books that uplifted me. And every morning before I talked to another human, I would read a few pages from a book. Over a period of time, I noticed that my mother's voice in my head was gradually replaced by the voices in the book. 

So that is one thing. Another is I read in one of the books, about this exercise called 'Morning Pages' by Julia Cameron. The exercise is to just wake up and start writing 3 pages of whatever comes to your mind. As it is. No judgement. No good or bad. And not show it to anyone. So if I'm suicidal and thinking of killing myself, I write down - "I feel suicidal and am thinking of killing myself". If I think Keanu Reeves should marry me, I write down 'I think Keanu Reeves should marry me." If I think about how bad my headache is, I write that down. There are no rules to it, you just copy down thoughts that occur in your head out onto the paper. And then without reading or ruminating on it, throw away the paper or burn it. This is useful because it brings our thoughts to our awareness when we write them down and also empties them from our mind. It took me about 2 months of doing this everyday until I started noticing the difference in how I feel. I still do this everyday, it has been over 2.5 years. 

I'm not sure how you could make your girlfriend do any of this, probably you could suggest it, not as an exercise to ward of depression, but just something you both do together. Pick out a couple of books - personal development ones, and read together and do the morning pages together. Just let her know you won't judge her for whatever she reads or writes. 

Hope this helps.