Sexual fluidity

[Bestversionofme]

I wrote about this before but no one replied hopefully I get a response this time. My whole life I considered myself straight, my attractions towards girls were deep and very obvious from as early as I can remember, then middle school I was introduced to internet porn. I would watch straight porn and would be turned on by the woman and the guy ( unaware that I was attracted to the guy at the time just thought it was admiration). Which graduated to watching gangbang porns and double penetration and then gay porn ( I enjoyed the homoeroticism and there being a woman there). But full on gay porn was a bit confusing and shameful but I chalked it up to straight but curious. I've had gf's and plenty of friends with benefits( all girls) that I thoroughly enjoyed the moments we shared. But when I was 22 away at college, after 4 years with my ex gf had ended I decided to explore my sexuality. I enjoyed the sexual situations I was in with men and had to acknowledge my attraction to both now that I acted on that curiosity. Bisexuality especially amongst men is not taken seriously. There's this straight or gay line that always put me in a state of anxiety. When in situations if someone were to ask me if i am straight I'd probably say "uhhhh sure" but if someone is to ask am I gay I'd say no. It's not 50/50 for me but it's definitely something worth mentioning. But idk ,there's not too much research or conversation on sexual fluidity. It gives me a lot of anxiety. Also in the future every woman I have sex with or start a relationship with I want to tell her I'm heteroflexible but I'm afraid of rejection and her just thinking that I'm gay.

[Pharion]

I can relate to your experience. I think for men especially there is a lot of subconscious conditioning that makes attraction to other men confusing and shameful, or repressed even if you yourself are open minded. I think part of the reason why sexuality so misunderstood and understanding of it is so immature is that we don't want to shake the foundations of social dynamics between men and women, men and men, women and women etc. We are afraid to express love and attraction freely because of the ramifications. Also, I would advise you to be honest with potential partners. It probably won't matter in the relationship unless you are not going to be committed, but starting an interaction with a potential intimate partner with fear of rejection or a need to hide something the wrong approach. Would you want to be with someone who would not accept you? 

[Nahm]

@Bestversionofme

When you drop your belief that sexuality was ever black & white, that duality in your world experience disappears. 

It’s all grey, and it’s all good. There’s no justification for self judgement. No need to search for it.

[Bestversionofme]

@Pharion you're right. It's just difficult navigating without a blueprint. It makes me think about manhood and masculinity in regards of how I present in the world. "Is this too gay or will be perceived as gay?" Thinking no women would want me. That I'm tainted goods. It's horrible for my self esteem. But I don't really hear about men being sexually fluid/ bisexual and being open about it. I know it exist but it's more of this shameful secret. Even to be straight and being in touch with your feminine side. Hopefully I find the peace of mind and tribe of people who are supportive.

[Bestversionofme]

@Nahm What you're saying makes sense but I guess I have a need to be reaffirmed. To say sexuality has never been black or white, it's never talked about it being grey, especially amongst men. It's not widely known. So I end up feeling alone on my journey.

[Nahm]

@Bestversionofme

...and every animal and insect on this planet face palms.

[Surfingthewave]

@Bestversionofme You raise some important questions about sexuality and gender. You will find your tribe. There are two difficulties you are grappling with: how your sexual fluidity impacts your masculinity and your sense of isolation in this. 

Sexuality is a spectrum, we are all somewhere in the middle although social constructs make us feel we should be gay or straight. Stand up for who you are, let go of shame and keep talking / blogging about it. Social constructs are illusions of the mind. Be proud of who you are. Continue to reach out and you can break some of those constructs. Believe me you will feel a whole lot happier. 

Masculinity is forever evolving, be part of the modernisation of this so called gender identity which is seeped in so much pressure to conform to rules. There are no rules, just you living your life. The now is all we have, be part of the evolution of gender and sexual identity. Be the best version of you. 

Edited December 25, 2019 by Surfingthewave

[Bestversionofme]

@Surfingthewave I like how you tied that last line in there from my screen name. That was clever. And yeah it's a process. I plan on finding a therapist before this negatively affects my overall mental health and well-being.

[Meetjoeblack]

Thats called bicurious or homer sexual lol. Dude, if your gay, whatever. More girls for me. Creating ridiculous names for being gay is mildly amusing from my vantage point but a poor use your of your time. Nobody gives a fuck. Again, more girls for me LULz. 

[Bestversionofme]

@Meetjoeblack @Meetjoeblackhow is it more women for you if I still like women? Gay men aren't attracted to women. Maybe you misread what I wrote. I wouldn't call it curiousity seeing that curiosity implies unfamiliarity . I'm 100% sure i find both women and men attractive .@Meetjoeblack@Surfingthewave I like how you tied that last line in there from my screen name. That was clever. And yeah it's a process. I plan on finding a therapist before this negatively affects my overall mental health and well-being.