The End Of Seeking

[DrewNows]

apply this lesson to your gaming and getting in the zone. I think it really rings true from my experience playing soccer. I’d built up a huge ego around the sport and after awakening I wasn’t sure whether I’d ever pick it up again as the conditioned seemed too great an obstacle. But it turned out to be an amazing hurdle to clear lol not that I can’t/don’t find myself getting stuck/attached/immersed in ego. I’m much better at recognizing patterns and releasing them, sometimes with a laugh 

[Raptorsin7]

@DrewNows Thanks for sharing that man. I have this complex with video games and basketball in particular, but i bet it's everywhere in my life tbh.

What did you do to drop the specialishness and just enjoy doing whatever you were doing. I really just want to have fun and enjoy, and paradoxically that will allow me to do my best too. Win, win,win. 

Any other tips?

[DrewNows]

@Raptorsin7 yeah it sure is in all areas. The stories aren’t so helpful, despite how entertaining they may be. When I first began playing again Id meditate beforehand and then observe thoughts during. I trained myself not to be outcome driven. To be honest with my intentions and discover how and why I may not be enjoying every single moment, win or lose. Just keep observing yourself through the breath. Emotions are best left at the door or automatically transformed into abundant/positive/free flowing energy (unattached)

Edited March 3, 2020 by DrewNows

[Raptorsin7]

I do not feel good.

How do i feel better?

 Thoughts and emotion.

I am relaxed

I feel bliss through my body, i do not feel bliss through my body

I am challenger in league of legends

I run a website that makes 1 million dollars per year

I am happy

I love league of legends

I am improving rapidly

I enjoy playing the game

I want to feel good

What does it mean to feel good?

I want energy

I have energy

I want my third eye to open

I have my third eye opened 

I want my crown charka opened

I have my chakra

All the chakras are open

I am jelous of everyone ahead of me on the path. This is fucking bull shit. WHy the fucl are these fking guys allowed to be enlightened. Fucking idiots aren't better than me why the fuck are they enlightened and i'm not. What the fuck. FUCKING IDIOTS i can't believe these fking fools are better than me at league. I am so fucking jelous of their fucking skill, how the fuck are they better than me. I am fucking better than them this fucking bull shit. I am better than everyone wtf. 

Fuck everyone. Fucking idiots, people are so fking stupid. If everyone had their fking shit together we would livein a better place and i'd already be enlightened Fucking fools everywhere don't know what fuck they are doing. Fuck them and efuck ereoone. I'll fking fix this shit, fucking fools. Fuck, mother fucker, fuck, idiots, cu**, fuck, bitch fuck.. lkdjfklajfkldajlfkdjlkfjdaklfjdklajflkadjflkdajfadjflkdajflkdjlkfjalfjdaklfjdaklj

I am fucking pissed. I am fucking angry. I'm going to fucking kill someone, I'm going to fucking rip someone's thorat out . Mother fuckers everywhere, everyone pisses me the fuck off. Fucking fools eerywhere walking around, man i wish we were in the med evil times i'd be fucking killing people all the time, moter fuckers everywhere. 

I want to express anger and rage so I can move up the emotional scale.

I HATE LEAGUE OF LEGENDS. ALL MY FUCKING IDIOTS TEAMATES THEY FUCKING PISS ME OFF. FUCKING TRASH CANS ALWAYS MAKE FUCKING MISTAKES FUCKING IDIOTS, I'M SO FUCKIGN ANGRY. FUCK ALL MY IDIOT FUCKING TEAMMATES, AND FUCK ME FOR GETTING BAD. I'M A FUCKING FOOL, WHAT THE FUCK AM I DONG. WHY DO I LET MYSELF GET MAD WTF IS THIS FUCKING BULL SHIT. I'M FUCKING PISSED. WHAT THE FUCK. HOW HFAOFHODHFDIAHFOIDFAIOHFIOADIHFDOIHFAIODHFDIFDIOHOI FUCK I WANT TO FUCKING DESTORY SOMETHING FUCK. I WILL FUCKING SHOW EVERYONE. EVERY FUCKING IDIOT WHO DOUBTED ME I WILL FUCKING SHOW THEM. I LOVE THE HATERS. BRING ON THE FUCING HATERS LETS FUCKING GO. ALL YOU FUCKING FOOLS WHO DOUBT ME I WILL FUCKING SHOW YOU FUCKING IDIOTS WHATS UP. JUST FUCKING WAIT. ALL THESE FUCKING IDIOT LEAGUE PROS WITH HUGE EGOS, OH FUCKING BABY I CANNOT WAIT TO FUCKING RIP THEM APART. I'M GOING TO FUCKING BREAK THEM ALL MENTALLY. I'M ITO FUCKING DOMINATE ALL THESE FUCKING CLOWNS, FUCKING RETARD IDIOTS I'M GOING TO SMASH THEM ALL FUCK. FUCK THEM AND FUCK ME. I'M GOING TO FUCKING MURDER ALL THE FUCKING LEAGUE PROS CUZ THEY ARE FKING IDIOTS. FUCKING VERMON. 

DOES THIS SELF ACTUALIZATION EVEN STUFF EVEN FUCKING WORK, LIKE WTF. I WANT FUCKING BLISS. I WANT FUCKING LOVE. WHERE'S MY FUCKING LOVE. WHO DO I HAVE TO KILL HERE TO GET SOME FUCKING LOVE. WTF IS THIS FUCKING BULL SHIT. IDIOT GOD, WHY WOULD YOU CREATE THE WORLD LIK

E THIS. WHAT A FUCKING IDIOT GOD IS, GOD DAMM WHAT A FUCKING RETARD. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THIS IDIOT THINKING WHEN HE MADE THE WORLD. WHY DO IT LIKE THIS, WHAT A FUCKING JOKE. FUCK YOU GOD YOU FKING IDIOT.

MAN ALL THESE FKING IDIOTS LIMIT. ME IDIOT FUCKING PARENTS, BUT THE BIGGEST FKING IDIOT IS GOD. GOD U FKING FOOL, WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME YOU FKING CLOWN. I FKING BLAME GOD FOR EVERYTHING CUZ HE'S FKING RESPONSIBLE, HE'S FKING GOD. WHAT THE FUCK GOD, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING. FUCKING IDIOT. FUCKING FIX THESE PROBLEMS FOR ME, YOU FKING FOOL. FKING IDIOT GOD NOT HELPING ME OR ANYONE WHAT A FKING IDIOT THIS FKING GOD GUY IS. WHAT A FKING JOKE OF A GOD. FKING FOOL. WHY DIDN'T YOU MAKE ME BETTER, YOU FKING IDIOT. WHY NOT FKING HELP ME WITH LEAGUE YOU FKING FOOL, I BLAME YOU FOR ME BEING FKING TRASH WHAT A FKING JOKE. FKING IDIOT GOD HELP ME GET INTO FLOW STATES. I WANT FKING FLOW WHEN I PLAY BUT YOU WON'T HELP ME BECAUSE YOU ARE A FKING IDIOT. FUCKING RETARDED GOD DOESN'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO HELP ME, FKING ALL POWERFUL BULL SHIT MOTHER FKER GOD DOESN'T FKING KNOW SHIT ABOUT ANYTHING WHAT A FKING FOOL GOD IS.

I AM REALLY WORREID THAT GOD WON'T FKING HELP ME. I AM REALLY WORRIED THAT THIS SHIT DOESN'T WORK. I JUST WANT IT TO FKING WORK. I JUST WANT TO FEEL AMAZING THAT'S WHAT I FKING WANT. I WANT TO FEEL LIKE HEAVEN ON EARTH. I WANT HEAVEN. I WANT HAVEN, BUT WHERE IS IT. WILL I GET HEAVEN TODAY? WHERE IS HEAVEN? I AM WORRIED THAT I WILL NOT FIND HEAVEN TODAY, BUT NOW IS ALL THERE EVER IS SO IF IT'S NOT HERE THEN WHERE IS IT. WHERE IS FKING HEAVEN GOD? I'M FKING HERE WAITING, WHERE IS FKING HEAVEN YOU FKING IDIOT. I AM WORRIED THAT I WILL NOT FIND HEAVEN, WHERE THE FUCK IS HEAVEN YOU FKING IDIOT GOD. 

I AM FKING DISSAPOINTED WITH WHAT I'M SEEING HERE. I AM FKING DISSAPOINTED IN MY FKING EXISTENCE YOU FKING IDIOT GOD. WTF IS THIS BULL SHIT. I AM NOT CHALLENGER YET IN LEAGUE, I'M NOT DIMINATING EVERY GAME I'M NOT IN THE FKING ZONE WHEN I PLAY. WHAT THE FUCK, I'M SO DISSAPOINTED IN WHAT I'M SEE. I AM DISSAPOINTED INMYSELF. MYSELF NEEDS TO STEP IT UP, I'M SO FUCKING DISSAPOINTED WITH MYSELF LIKE WTF.

ALL THIS FKING BULL SHIT IS OVERWHELMING. I WANT TO FEEL AMAZING. FKING IDIOT GOD HELP ME FEEL AMAZING. BUT YOU DON'T DO SHIT. I LOVE MYSELF. I HAVE COMPASSION FOR MYSELF. I APPRECIATE MYSELF. THANK YOU FOR THIS LIFE. THANK YOU FOR THE OPPORTUNITY TO PLAY THE GAME I LOVE. 

JUST SITTING HERE WANTING TO FEEL AMAZING SO I CAN PLAY LEAGUE. I DON'T NEED TO FEEL AMAZING BEFORE I PLAY, BUT I WANT TO FEEL AMAZING. FEELING AMAZING IS FEELING AMAZING, WHO WOULDN'T WANT IT.

Edited March 5, 2020 by Raptorsin7

[Raptorsin7]

Working with thoughts and emotions. 

I want to use my feelings to think better. 

I want to get better league in the optimal way. I want to get better the fastest, while also feeling amazing while doing it.

I am improving at league of legends in the optimal way. My way is the fastest and feels the best. 

Edited March 5, 2020 by Raptorsin7

[Raptorsin7]

Let's see if i can find god in real time. I'll keep track of this attempt on this page of my journal.

What's the plan?

• I'm listening to the song below, and i'm just sitting here THINKING about how to feel good.

This is the problem. The attempt to use THINKING to FEEL better is backwards. Thought must be chosen based on how it FEELS.

I'm running into a major problem here @Nahm. I don't know what thought to choose when I become aware of MYSELF, and realize that I can choose a thought.  I kinda just freeze and go back into automatic thinking habits that don't feel good. Like i just tried to say in thinking, I love myself, i CHOSE this thought but i got no feeling out of it? Am i just emotionally numb and disconnected? 

I just had thoughts about Dariush and then i had thoughts about me bothering zero's journal lol. I feel hesitant to write some thoughts on here. Fear, shame, guilt, seems to be the driver there. 

Wow i just got lost in a thought lol. Wow it happened real time. I fking made a snarky spiritual ego to some dude omg lol. Wow. Okay i'm back. I'm conscoius again wow. I am conscious. I am conscious. I am aware of reality as it's happening wow. This is pretty cool, there's an experience going on and i'm just watching the experience. But who's watching?

I tried to just be, and feel and it was good i felt good progress. But it's kinda overwhelming. I have trouble keeping it up, and now I need to rest. Wow i am conscious very cool. 

Conscoiusness seems very valuable. This is way better than anything we have in the world. The fact that I exist and am able to have an experience is amazing, what a dream this is. 

SUCCESS. Just be. Say yes to the NOW. There is a warm loving feeling when you just be. 

I am waiting for my third eye open. I want it to open. I am attached to the idea of my third eye opening because I  think it will lead to good feeling.

Attachment is what creates suffering. Attachment to thinking/beliefs. Detach from thinking and connect with feeling. Connect with being, Human-being, and feel. Feeling is what we want. We want to feel. Because our nature is feeling, feeling is who we are.

[Nahm]

7 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

I don't know what thought to choose when I become aware of MYSELF

Awareness is aware.

 

[zeroISinfinity]

Laughed @Raptorsin7 . 

I know the feel. 

"Noobs" everywhere. I lost game because of them. 

Nothing beats rage after lost game of LoL. 

Mobas are addictive as hell. 

[Raptorsin7]

@zeroISinfinity 

[zeroISinfinity]

@Raptorsin7 Especially if you are on losing streak and you play and play until you win. 

Then you win and you want to play more. 

OMG I lost points in Dota was mmr now it's something simular to LoL did checked out. Mmr is still there just masked. I need to recover or improve my rank. 

Very simular to gambling addiction. What gambler really wants is not to win but to lose beleive it or not. 

Pls @Nahmdon't all you pls just pls. I know fully realized. Just please don't hit me with zen stick anymore I love you same as I love @Raptorsin7

Edited March 5, 2020 by zeroISinfinity

[Raptorsin7]

@zeroISinfinity I love you too buddy you are a good person.

Yeah league can be addictive but it can also be really fun, I want to find joy in playing 

[zeroISinfinity]

Well you play it because you love it. Otherwise you wouldn't play it. So you found joy. C'mon radical honesty 1/1.

[Raptorsin7]

What is True?

I do not feel good.

How do I know this is true? Well, right now i'm feeling. Well there is no I am, but there is just feeling. So the statement I do not feel good makes no sense because the I just a thought and it can't feel.

I am over looking the present moment. There is a compulsive over looking of the present moment. 

There is no thinker. There is no doer. There is no person, per se. These are just stories, being created and recycled in thinking.

The truth is right here, right now. 

The truth of existence. 

The truth that there is an experience. but everything else is just belief layered on top of existence.

The biggest issue right now is seeking. Seeking a better state, paradoxically, is preventing access to a better state. Accept it. This is it. This moment. This feeling. Whatever this is. This is it. It's all right here. Accept it. Or suffer. 

[zeroISinfinity]

Maybe there is no experience? 

To bend your thinking mind a bit. 

[Raptorsin7]

Attachment creates suffering?

How to liberate from attachment?

Thoughts:

• I want to go to yoga today
• I do not have to go to yoga, but i want to go to yoga
• Yoga is fun. 
• I insulted my yoga teacher by asking him about his spiritual practices. I am sorry, and I should not have judged him. He is a good person, who is trying his best to find god. I respect him. 
• I have not gone to yoga in a while, but it's okay. If someone asks me where i've been, I will just say i've been slacking and i've been lazy which is true. I want to be better with my practices. There is no NEED or MUST with the practices. But i want to do them because they make me feel better and make me happier.
• I am going to yoga tonight, and I will have fun. I'm excited for yoga

 

Thoughts about my assignment: The Moot Court

Feeling:

• Anxious. Why am i anxious? Because i'm afraid i won't be prepared and I will look stupid. What if i get nervous, what if i stutter, what if I look stupid? All of these are honest concerns. But it's okay. I will do my best. I will prepare over the next 3 days. I will read the relevant instructions, i will read my own arguments, and the arguments of opposing counsel and I will do my best in the presentation. That's all i CAN do. I can only do what I can do. I can do my best. I can read the relevant instructions. I can read my arguments. I can read the other arguments. I can think of how i'm going to phrase my argument. But that's it. Whatever happens, happens. There is no reason to be worried about it because it's all going to be okay. No matter what happens at the moot court I will be just fine. There is no reason to worry.

I am going to spend some time today working on my moot court assignment. I do not HAVE to do the assignment, if I REALLY wanted to i could just drop out of law school and never show up again. But it's okay. I want to do it. I want to live in Victoria. I want to stay in school for now. It will be a fun experience. I will learn a lot from moot court and I will enjoy the experience. I am very excited. 

Thoughts about people and their bath room habits. I have shame around using the bathroom and other people using the bathroom. There's something about farting and taking a shit that bothers me haha. All thoughts are dualistic. So, I have no problem with bathroom habits. Bathroom habits are not an issue for me.There is nothing that bothers me about farting and taking a shit.

What am I feeling?

I feel connected to my third eye, it is cracking and pulsing. Right now i'm bored. I'm just sitting here, I know i want more out of life but i'm just bored.

Seems like meditation could be a good solution for what i'm going through in this moment.

The near future looks like this. I am a telepath LOL. I am going to meditate, i'm going to shave, i'm going to shower and brush my teeth, then i'm going to grab coffee and go for a walk. There is resistance to going for a walk. I'm afraid of being judged for walking and getting coffee. Wow this is foolish when i write it out. Why would someone judge me for just wanting to get coffee and go to a part bench to relax? That judgement makes 0 sense. It does not feel good to think about being judged grabbing coffee and going to a part. I wonder what is CAUSING the bad feeling. Is it that giong to get coffee and going to a park bench is BAD, and therefore doesn't feel good. That doesn't make sense. Maybe the feeling is telling me that the thoughts about judgement aren't true and make no sense, so that what's feels bad. The truth is walking to the park and getting coffee is very nice. I am very fortunate to even be in a situation where i'm able to just be free to get coffee. I live in a beautiful city, it's a beautiful day. There is no reason for the negativity. Judgement doesn't make any sense. I do not like judging. I do not like casting judgement. I want people to be happy and free. I want to do my best to facilitate this. This is best done acting good. Doing good, leads to feeling good, which leads to doing good, which then leads to more feeling good, and the better I feel the more good I do. 

Thoughts of worry about what else i'm going to do just arose. The thread here is worry about my assignment. I want to plan time today to just work on my assignment so i can do something active to alleviate the worry. I do not want to bypass the worry. I want to address the substance, because i have RESPONSE- Ability. I have response-ability. I have the ability to respond and make choices and decisions. I do want to overwhelm myself, i want to enjoy the day. So how about i read the instructions, i read my arguments, i read opposing counsel's arguments, and I take some time to reflect on what needs to be done on saturday and sunday. That seems like it's productive. 

A thought arose I don't know who I am. But that's not true. I know who I am. I am that which is aware of this typing. I am conscious. I am awareness. I am aware. Awareness is aware. 

Procrastination. There is stuff to do. But there is resistance to the DOING. Wow. I am face to face with procrastination. 1v1. This it, the big battle. Who will win. I got this one.

[Raptorsin7]

What's next in the day:

• Clean
• Yoga
• Moot Assignment Prep
• Video games

There is still procrastination. But this is just resistance. Resistance to what is. The resistance is in thinking, in feeling, etc. RESISTANCE can be beat. It can be overcome. One battle at a time. No black and white. If i lose today i will try again tmrw. If i lose for the next 10 years then i will try again in the 11th year. It will all be okay. Don't worry, you will be okay.

[Raptorsin7]

Crying is good. I love crying. I am so excited to start crying all the time. I want me some crying haha.

[Raptorsin7]

I am procrastinating. I want to do yoga, my own unique type not the dogma that they practice at my yoga studio, and I want to clean my apartment. 

Meditation prior to to reconnect with source/myself/intuition/feeling seems like a good move when i recognize that i'm procrastinating.

[Raptorsin7]

Custom Yoga. Pushups, downward dog, and other random poses seems good. I can't dogmatic yoga anymore, I want to innovate. I want to do things a new way. Is this narcissim, to want to do them my way? I think so, but i don't mind the labels, i want to have the healthiest possible version of every aspect of humanity. And this is achieved by not trying to be anything other than yourself. Just be yourself. 

There is a connection with music. Who is the person typing this? Who ami? What is this? Hey, can you hear me? Yeah. Multiple personalities? Wow this stuff can get deep. 

Questioning who i am is very important. But it seems like there's a fine line before I descend into madness, if i'm not already there haha.

Who am i? 

Who am i?

I know who I am now. I am that which is aware of experience. 

[Raptorsin7]

I am going to be challenger in league of legends

I am going to run a multi million dollar website

I am enlightened

I know who I am

I am aware

I am forgetting who I am lol

How do I find the zone in league of legends.

Answer: Just be yourself while playing. Just be you. 

Prayer makes sense. We honor ourselves with prayer. Pray to god=yourself=that which is aware of experience.