The End Of Seeking

[Raptorsin7]

I have to find some way through this. I don't want to be this person. But i feel defeated at the moment. 

On the positive side, i noticed that when i crank my shoulders back and extend my heart during meditation it makes the sessions more enjoyable. I feel my shoulders hunched as we speak and i think this plays a role in the low self esteem and unhappiness of the mind. The body mind connection.

[Arcangelo]

5 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

I went to volunteer

Volunteer for what man?

5 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

I used to never care about the question of what do you do, now i feel the shame.

Oh yeah, and wait until you meet a girl you really like. I had to tell Caroline, (and others) that I am an artist. Lying is not good because you must remember the lies when you see them again.

3 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

i think this plays a role in the low self esteem and unhappiness of the mind. The body mind connection.

Absolutely.

Hey Rap from my POV your life seems pretty OK. Your parents got money, you are tall and healthy. Your joints allow you to play basketball, you go to yoga, you volunteer, you have a meditation habit, you are 24 that's the best.

You will snap out of it, you will see.

 

Best wishes Rap!

[Raptorsin7]

One thing i've noticed recently is how my resentment towards my parents is part of what's keeping me stuck. When i look at other people who are more successful and developed then i am, i think back to how i was raised and i blame my parents for me not being in a similar advantageous position. Even typing it it sounds stupid, i live in a little self contained bubble that allows for this kind of toxicity and delusoinal thinking. But it's true nonetheless.

I wanted to be a great person, or at least have self esteem and self respect, quality relationships, and just a good life before i died. But here i am 25 going on 12, miserable, hermit, and doing nothing with my life. And i blame my parents for how i ended up like this. 

The worst part right now is that i feel like if i improve myself then i would be also doing something positive for my parents, But due to the hatred/resentment i don't want them to get that satisfaction so i end up punishing them and myself with this twitsted logic. It's funy because my parents do so much for me, especially my mom she tried her best for me and my brother to be succesful but we both ended up complete losers haha.

I've developed this flat affect, sometime i just stare blankly into the open space while i feel my head. I've heard it's related to schizoid disorders. 

If i kill myself i wonder if i will get a better life. It would make no sense for god to punish itself for suicide, but then again it makes no sense for god to make itself miserable in this life time either. None of this shitt makes any sense, but given my present understanding i think suicide would be a disaster for future lives which is a main reason I don't really want to do it, but at the same i've basically completely given up on life so in some ways i'm already dead.

[Oppositionless]

On 12/17/2019 at 8:18 PM, Raptorsin7 said:

1. Wake up. I am not satisfied with life. I need to do stuff that will bring me happiness. Procrastinate all day until I meditate or do yoga.

2. Do meditation and connect with the present. No thinking. Just being. But ego always comes back. Present moment isn't enough or ego is too big.

Have you reached a point of surrender where 

rather than doing a formal practice, to feel better

you just sit with that unhappiness 

in the year since starting?

Love

[Raptorsin7]

@Oppositionless No i haven't. I don't even really feel better after most meditation sessions. I get some relaxation, but it's similar to if i take a nap or something. The only true experiences of feeling good, or bliss etc, are from LSD not meditation.

I find myself ADHD distracting myself with weird body ticks for most of the day, and i noticed that when i stop and just sit still I feel like i'm holding my breathe and i get uncomfortable.

[Raptorsin7]

I finally have positive news. After months of suicidal thoughts and depression, i made progress with meditation. I realized on the LSD trips, i was able to peak because of i changed my thoughts in response to the high and I felt more deeply then I do when i'm sober. The LSD forced me to feel deeply, and so i had to let go of thoughts like judgment, worry of past and future, and even thoughts related to who I am and the self. It's like the LSD allowed to get through a series of walls in my psyche, resulting in the breakthrough to a connection I've never felt with myself and the world, and literaly bliss flowing into me.

I realized I can do all that while sober, it's just a little more difficult because I don't have the LSD heightening my feeling states. I can sit and meditate, and just feel what's there, I never did this before. I was always "trying" to meditate, and would either get frustrated and stop, or just power the session thinking i accomplished something. II realized i'll never get to connection and bliss through thinking and strategizing. It's literally as simple as sitting/laying down... feeling whatever arises and staying with those sensations and breathing into them. You have to surrender everything to your feeling. 

I haven't got to the same state I achieved through LSD, but i've gotten closer than i've ever gotten with this method. I even got close to full on tears. I found that the more I was able to relax and the deeper I was into the feelings and sensations, the easier it was to get close to crying.

I don't know if this will last, i may end up suicidal again tmrw who knows, but this the closest i've gotten to reaching the peak i've been craving since my breakthrough trip in February. 

[Zigzag Idiot]

 

That's great! @Raptorsin7  Better sounding news sure,,,

Sounds like more experiences of Being and presence while letting go of thinking mind and narrative consciousness, perhaps? 

Anyway, Glad to hear your good news,,,

[Raptorsin7]

There is no past. There is no future. There is only the present moment. NOW. 

You can't have it both ways. You can't do it your way, and get the full benefits of enlightenment. You have to surrender all your agendas, there are no exceptions. Whatever comes from the surrender you must accept.

I cannot judge, because everything is me. I do not judge. I can express preference, and anyway I choose to, but I will not judge another human as bad. I can acknowledge right and wrong without judgment.

I accept my past. It led me here, and here is all good. I learned many lessons, and had experiences that will shape the rest of my life. There are no negatives in my past, there is only acceptance and peace. 

I do not know the future. Good or bad, I do not know it. I only know the present moment, NOW. 

I am not my thoughts. I am not the I in thinking. I am the awareness. 

 

[Raptorsin7]

I'm feeling better. But what it really is, is feeling in general. I dissociated from my feelings, and so I was basically just a head. Thinking all day long.

The more I feel, the more I am aware of feelings in my body, and the less i'm attached to the thoughts and feeling of the head.

 

[Raptorsin7]

Thoughts are powerful. There are a limited number of thoughts experienced each day, and they can really shape your experience. Spending all day thinking about future plans, past mistakes, etc just robs your attention of something good you could be doing. 

Monasteries are like rehab for people addicted to thinking haha

I don't know if this will last, but i'm completely sober, and I feel connected to the core of me, and it seems like things are only going better.

“Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn't matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair. come, even if you have broken your vows a thousand times. Come, yet again , come , come.” I thought this quote during a deep meditation session, and I felt a wave of good feeling come over my entire body.

[Raptorsin7]

Mood:

 

[Zigzag Idiot]

22 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn't matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair. come, even if you have broken your vows a thousand times. Come, yet again , come , come.” I thought this quote during a deep meditation session, and I felt a wave of good feeling come over my entire body.

 

I love this Rumi quote. 

May the force be with you,,,

[Raptorsin7]

@Zigzag Idiot Thanks man. I love that quote too, when i was in deep meditation i thought that quote and felt amazing.

[Raptorsin7]

I can feel the grief building in my stomach and head. When i meditate and breathe deeply, i can feel the emotions come up. This is it. This is the emotional release i've been waiting for, this is going to get me all the way to the LSD high. 

Things almost completely 180'd. I thought about killing myself all the time for months, now i feel like i have a new lease on life. It's incredible.

[fridjonk]

8 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

Things almost completely 180'd. I thought about killing myself all the time for months, now i feel like i have a new lease on life. It's incredible.

So happy for you man! 

Life gets better, it always does. 

[Average Investor]

8 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

Things almost completely 180'd. I thought about killing myself all the time for months, now i feel like i have a new lease on life. It's incredible

Glad to hear things are turning around for you. Keep at it! 

[Raptorsin7]

@fridjonk @Average Investor Thanks guys, i appreciate the support

[zeroISinfinity]

Great to hear. Sorry couldn't respond it just wasn't right time. I will no worries. 

[Raptorsin7]

@zeroISinfinity Thank you, no worries man do you do your thing.

 

[Raptorsin7]

I'm going to work with Tj Reeves over the next month or so, and i'm pretty excited to see what I can accomplish. We are going to work on getting me a digital marketing job, and I'm excited to try and make this happen. 

I feel much lower today than the past few days. I made some great progress earlier in the week, but I fell into some bad habits over the past few days because i thought i had made so much progress so who cares, and I'm feeling it today I think. I tried to relax and meditate like i did before, and I did not get anywhere close to the release or relaxation as before. 

I feel the depression and the hopelessness right now. This is hard. I don't know how to get out of this tail spin of thoughts and emotions i'm in right now. It's just overwhelming. 

A few days ago i felt good, I was breathing deeply, and I thought i had gotten over the hump with my recognition of how much i'm avoiding the present moment and feeling. But today I feel back to square 1 of depression and misery. 

I have hope because I know it's possible to feel better and have breakthroughs. Just a few days ago I was on the verge of tears in deep meditation, and I was able to relax and play league of legends in a way that I had never done before. But i think it's important for me to understand how I was able to achieve these breakthroughs so I can bring myself back up when i fall into these ruts.

Suffering is the call to end the suffering, and so the path will begin again for me. I just can't give up, i know it's possible to get over this. Now that i've tasted it, i can't waste this opportunity.