The End Of Seeking

[Zigzag Idiot]

3 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

Do you ever get sick of the process?

Very much so. Oftentimes it's related to the idea below and that I'm trying to constrain and force the process in  a certain way. In effect, setting up conditions beforehand that guarantees suffering in the future and not realizing that I'm doing it.

 

[Raptorsin7]

@Zigzag Idiot That's a great insight . My mind is always in the solve the problem mode, i don't even know what it would feel like to just accept and give the fight. Hopefully that comes.

On another note: i got my blood work back and i don't have type 2 diabetes. My results indicate that i'm at the low end of pre-diabetes so the hope is that i get myself sorted out and i make lifestyle changes that will serve me for the rest of this life time. I have some odd heart stuff that needs to be looked at,  but at least there's nothing major that came up. 

I wonder how much of the feelings in my feet are psychosomatic and me overreacting to subtle changes in feeling. It's also possible that pre-diabtetes can have an effect on nerves and blood vessels so it's worth watching out for.

[Raptorsin7]

I got diagnosed with Bipolar type 2 by my psychiatrist. I explained my ups and downs over the past few years, and he was pretty confident in diagnosing me. He told me it's a life long medical illness, and i got prescribed a mood stabilizer, lamotrigine.

He was pretty adamant that the highs, and grandiose ideas like my website, were indicators of the illness but i think he overemphasized the biological portion of the illness. I obviously have issues, and I think i was on a high, triggered by my "breakthrough" psychedelic trip, but my highs and lows really aren't that bad, i'm just a weak and undisciplined person who failed to manage himself and so things got out of hand.

I feel like so much of what's wrong in my life is related to character, personality, ego etc and i highly doubt that popping some pills will solve my problems and make everything better. But given that i'm basically having a mental breakdown now it couldn't hurt to try meds and see how I feel. Ideally i could stay on meds for the near future until i get my life together, and then once my life is in a good place i could wean myself off. If i can grow up and mature, my highs are very manageable and could be an asset in something i pursue in the future. 

The vipassana retreats near me are opening up so that's a positive development. The closest one i can do is in October which is pretty far away, but at least i'll be able to be on meds for a bit before i sign up. I know that they ask about mental history and i'm hoping that i'm not turned away because of the diagnosis. My symptoms and condition are pretty mild, and given the fact i've spent multiple hours in silence in float tanks before i hope they don't see it as a problem. 

If the retreat goes well then maybe i can do retreats frequently for the near future while i try to get my life together. I basically have all the time in the world, and I could do 10 day retreats almost every month. I guess it's a spiritual bypass of my life's problems, but i think if i really learn to meditate and stabilize attention it could make it easier to get things sorted out in my life. 

I'm lost and i've withdrawn socially, but i hope that things get better. Thing is though, i don't want to take action or responsibility. I'm comfortable just going through the motions, and i don't think anything will change as long as i'm like this. But i don't see this changing anytime soon. I might end up being like 45 and just living off my parents, not taking responsibility, being a deadbeat etc. As sad as that would be, it's equally sad that i'm like this at 24 and I have no drive or motor to change things. If i don't change then hopefully something kills me in the process. I've had suicidal thoughts recently, but nothing i'd consider serious. I don't know if i'm the kind of person who could actually follow through on an attempt, but the way i'm living is a complete disaster and i'd rather god end this life early if this is what it's going to be.

[Zigzag Idiot]

 

@Raptorsin7 Jana Dixon as well as Stan Grof and his deceased wife Christine call/ed them Spiritual Emergencies. There are others besides them that look at things this way. I've been the route with pharmaceuticals for anxiety/depression and finally quit them about 8-10 years ago. But in the near term, I think your hunch is right and you should utilize them for taking the edge off to help give you some space, near term. I'll put some relevant links down in case your interested in what's being said. On any of these, all the links will be on the left of the web page. You may see something you want to look at other than my picks. This is definitely a book to skip around in. IMO

 

http://biologyofkundalini.com/article.php@story=DownisUp.html

http://biologyofkundalini.com/article.php@story=ShockofAwakening.html

http://biologyofkundalini.com/article.php@story=MeaningofKundalini.html

 

http://biologyofkundalini.com/article.php@story=ToxicMindTheory.html

 

http://biologyofkundalini.com/article.php@story=WelcomingBelongingTherapy.html

[Raptorsin7]

@Zigzag Idiot Reading these articles has made me re-consider my decision to get on meds to be honest. But i also wonder if what i'm going through is really a kundalini awakening, or is this just depression resulting from me growing up in a way that made me lazy, entitled, spoiled, narcissistic, and lacking of resilience. I definitely feel some energy and unique sensations in my spine when i meditate, but it's pretty subtle. And this odd sensation in my face that i feel deeply has grown in recent months, but i really don't know what to make of this stuff. The book listed a number of practices to engage in to facilitate the awakening, and I am not engaging in any of those. Meditation is about the only practice that i don't feel resistance to starting and that i'm willing to pick up again, but the idea of raw food diet, daily yoga, etc just seems so far off from where i'm at. 

I do feel like meds are not a solution to my problems here. At best i was hoping they could be used to bring up my mood, so that the above practices etc would be easier to undertake and i would become more functional. But if the meds would prevent the meditation etc from working and allowing me to transition into another phase of life/being then i'd be worried.

 

[Raptorsin7]

Mental breakdowns are sad. I take out so much on my parents, they are doing everything in their power to help me but i get some sick satisfaction out of displaying my misery to them, and blaming them for my upbringing. 

I'm having some self harming/suicidal thoughts, but i wonder how long it would take to develop to actual planning and serious thoughts/attempts. I lack empathy for other people, and i have whatever causes a person to develop a personality disorder.

I believe the core is lack of self love, and being myself. I don't feel love for anyone or anything, and i'm assuming that well adjusted people in the world, are that way because of the love they feel for themselves and others. 

My psychoanalyst warned me about wanting a quick fix, but is the desire to be my true self, the goodness and love, is that a quick fix... idk. 

I just feel stuck, and even making a tiny move seems pointless, but that's what keeping me stuck. 

I want to be other than what i am right now. I feel like a weirdo having a mental breakdown, i feel like on this forum especially i'm the most fucked up. I want to be a well-adjusted, happy guy. But the gap between where i want to be, and where i am seems insurmountable. 

I still feel these sensations in my head, maybe that's the key to this. Relax the sensations, release emotions, and feel good as myself. That's my deep hope to be honest. My hope is that it's that simple. Relax the head, cry and release a lot emotions, and then feel good and take on life in a different direction. Just looking at it, it sounds delusional. Millions of people suffering from illness, and all i gotta do to make it is relax my head. 

[Zigzag Idiot]

On 8/20/2020 at 5:10 PM, AwakenedSoul444 said:

@Raptorsin7 the medications don't prevent anything. I've talked to Elias about it he says it's fine if I'm on my meds. And consider that I got into the 600's and had experiences on them.

I agree with @AwakenedSoul444  You can get off the pharmaceuticals later on. The degree that they take the edge off may enable you to process some shadow stuff that may otherwise have been too much. 

 

4 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

My psychoanalyst warned me about wanting a quick fix, but is the desire to be my true self, the goodness and love, is that a quick fix... idk. 

You can both be right but I would settle in for the long haul.

Your displaying a degree of honesty that a lot of people with healthy functioning ego/personalities won't express. There"s a lot of people here I know that respect you for that. Even if you've acted out in ways that may be uncaring or petty. Well, so what, we all do that. A lot of people won't admit it.

I remember about a 2 or 3 year spell that I was devoid of tears. Try not to worry about it. One day it will just happen.

Its difficult to not engage in self criticism. through the ICHING and other sources I've warmed up to the idea that our world is made of language. Self critical phrases can have the power of essentially casting spells on yourself. Just the automatically said negative phrases. Repression of negative thoughts only seem to make them stronger. You don't have to claim them as yours because a lot of negative thoughts are just churned out by the mind when we're not in a bad state. It can be empowering to consciously decide that you really want in your heart, to wish others well. For me, its been a powerful process in eliminating chronic feelings of guilt.  Ive had to work on not complaining about virtually everything. It does take a lot of time. 

4 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

I believe the core is lack of self love, and being myself. 

It's good that you recognize that that"s a big issue. Having love and respect for yourself also means the need to forgive yourself. The emotional pendulum can really be hard to handle. Twelve step recovery programs urge people to make amends with anyone that you feel you need to. A lot of vital energy can be regained quickly when this is done. Ive observed that in my life for sure. It can backfire sometimes so you have to use your own discretion about it. Know that you'll have good days. They'll keep you going. 

There is a community here and many in it do wish you well.

[Raptorsin7]

@Zigzag Idiot Thanks for the kind words. 

Suicidal thoughts have been increasing over the past few days. Not sure if it's related to the lamotrigine, i'm still at a very low dosage, but it's something that concerns me.

I found myself looking at a chandelier in my house while trying to do some yoga, and then I thought about hanging myself from it. 

The thoughts usually come as a sign of me giving up. Like when I think of my classmates and friends succeeding in life, and compare it to where i'm at in life, thoughts of suicide arise as a sort of solution to the problem. No mind/no self no problem i guess.

I have started isolating myself more and more, and my family is getting more concerned and worried. 

In the short term, over the next month or so, i don't see too much changing. The meds won't start working for a month, and it feels like i'm mentally paralyzed. I feel like a helpless child. 

I have to make a change. There's a meditation retreat that offers retreats for up to 3 months, but i don't know if i could do a retreat in my current state. And i've read that retreats are hesitant to offer spots to people with mental health disorders, and given my recent diagnosis they would be right to be skeptical about me taking part in a retreat. 

I have a tendency to engage in splitting. I view the world in black and white terms. So when I think about taking steps forward in life, i thinik of other people who i view as successful and good, and i realize that i'm not going to be one of those people so what's the point of trying. There are adults at 24, who are responsible, pay bills, work, have deep relationships etc. And i'm basically 12. And because i don't see a path to being a well-adjusted 24 year old, i keep myself paralyzed. 

I wonder what my life will be like in 5, 10, 15 years. Past predicts future, and i've struggled with the same issues for years now. Even if i manage to improve and feel better, i've had 2 mental breakdowns now in my life, this may become a trend. Every few years just a complete breakdown. I wonder if after this life is over, i'll be able to live another life with all the experiences i have now from this one. So i have a taste of misery now, and maybe my next life i'll come back as a well-adjusted happy human being. Or some other race of beings who knows. 

 

 

[zeroISinfinity]

@AwakenedSoul444 Well reaching 1000 will actually kill ya. Just my 2 cents. Jokes on you. 

Hey rap man what's your zodiac sign. 

 

[Raptorsin7]

@zeroISinfinity Virgo

 

[zeroISinfinity]

@Raptorsin7

 

 

 

[zeroISinfinity]

@Raptorsin7Sorry man for yelling at ya. Wish ya best I really do. 

 

[zeroISinfinity]

41 minutes ago, AwakenedSoul444 said:

No human being physically dies at 1000, so jokes on you. It's only ego death, what a silly comment! 

Well perfect description of RASA 1000 or whatever they call actual Self Realization is this song. 

Really wish ya that. ❤️ That's what seeking boils down to. All the rest follows After. 

 

 

[zeroISinfinity]

I am just guessing. Ain't no enlightened or guru. Moving myself up to Stage purple on SD. Long way to even stage orange. Enlightenment unreachable for me in this life so take my words with grain of salt. 

[zeroISinfinity]

@AwakenedSoul444 Not really into RASA. How is level measured? 

[zeroISinfinity]

@AwakenedSoul444 I am LOC 100-199.

Lost Soul(Toxic, Rage and Pride). What da... 

[zeroISinfinity]

@AwakenedSoul444 Average human is 210 on the list. I am bellow. I rage all the time I swear want to beat living shit out of peeps. Very agressive. Much much bellow. Lets be honest. 

[Raptorsin7]

@zeroISinfinity No worries, i know you just want what's best for me.

[Arcangelo]

I am LOC 100-199 when I smoke weed I become an average human being. That's why I love weed so much, it's my medicine.

[Raptorsin7]

The more miserable and psychotic i become, the more my third eye starts pulsing. I hope it pops open and i gain some siddhi or something that helps me get out of this jam.

I feel so angry today. I went to volunteer, and i felt so out of place and cut off. I was already shy before my break down, now i have even less self respect and self worth. I used to never care about the question of what do you do, now i feel the shame. I remember a guy at my yoga was unemployed, and i was talking to a guy and we both said what we do, and the unemployed guy had to step out of the change room. I could tell how embarrassed he was to say he was unemployed. 

I hate my parents so much. I hate myself so much too. I felt like a psycho while i was volunteering, angry depressed people who are antisocial are not good for society. My mind is so fucking dark it's incredible. 

It's funny because i have so much awareness of this stuff, but it's like i'm just riding shotgun with a devil. I am literally a devil right now. 

It's amazing how ill equipped I am to deal with the world. I have no resiliency, no work ethic, no social skills, no motivation, no drive. I'm envious of everyone. Lol this is hilarious. I live in fantasy land. La la land in my mind, the shit i thought was going to happen is not fucking happening.

Maybe someone will make a spiritual technique to deal with disillusioned angry young men haha. Cure this madness and you'll make billions.