The End Of Seeking

[Raptorsin7]

8 hours ago, zeroISinfinity said:

It's not. Problem is your mind. It's indentified with body and for body survival in those conditions parents are marked as most important. They provide home, food etc. 

Your selfish mind works against you. So remove everything that mind is attached to. It's painful no worries. 

I won't do it, i know myself. You were right when you said in 4 years nothing will change. I live in my comfort zone, and growth occurs outside the comfort zone. I'm like pavlolv's dog with learned helplessness, my parents treat me like i'm 5 years old and even though i'm miserable it's safe and comfortable so i accept it. 

I can see how this is going to play out, i'm going to spend years doing therapy, rasa, meds, psychs etc. I already made an appointment for 4 days a week psychoanalysis, but none of this stuff is going to make me change because it's comfortable. I'm going to go round and round for years trying to fix my mind, while staying attached at the hip to my mom and dad. 

8 hours ago, zeroISinfinity said:

Why? It's time to hit your nose to ground. Those peeps also work at McD so why are you better then them.Also McD worker has same value as Donald Trump. Why is Donald Trump better. You know they all take a dump. 

I think i'm better than that. And right now i don't have to because my home is always open and free, i'm not going to take a mcdonalds job while living at home with this comfort it won't happen. 

I know i'm not, but i honestly think i'm better and special and somehow this will work out for me. It's delusional thinking, it's the thinking of a spoiled child who's had everything handed to him, so happiness and fulfillment will be handed to me as well.

8 hours ago, zeroISinfinity said:

Yes that's true but ya know you got this. Actual facing your issues and solving them. 

I don't think i can or will face them. I have no idea how to survive, if you left me alone in the world I believe i'd fail and die or get raped or something. I have 0 resourcefulness, confidence, ingenuity, problem solving etc? I'm pretty much useless outside of academic knowledge.

 

8 hours ago, zeroISinfinity said:

Really, why? 

I'm weak. There's physical requirements necessary to enter, and i'd fail them. Mentally i'm weak with exercise.

 

8 hours ago, zeroISinfinity said:

You are nit defective. All your stuff is normal.We all gone through that. 

People go through it when they're like 12 years old. 

My mind is so up and down. One minute i'm thinking i'm going to end up killing myself, then feeling better and thinking this stuff will work out for me. 

Look at how many of comments are the same thing over and over. I prefer the comfortable misery over whatever else is out there. I'm a complete child who's stuck in his head, i just stay in my tight bubble each and every day. It's not going to change while i'm here man, i'm way more likely to just commit suicide then get out of the house and survive alone, i'm fucked.

[Raptorsin7]

6 hours ago, Arcangelo said:

My shovel is my dignity. You have no idea how hard I am working nowadays Rap.

When did you start working really hard? I'm not a hard worker at all

6 hours ago, Arcangelo said:

Hehe you are living living my life hahahah!

This is what happens with guys like us. Kidults. We have someone to call.

What caused it for you?

My mom was over involved because she wanted us to succeed, but it backfired. My dad is a hard worker, but he's emotionally a child and he didn't teach us anything about being a hard worker or being a man growing up.

[Raptorsin7]

https://www.rtor.org/2017/04/11/failure-to-launch-part-2/

This describes me, and I have no motivation to actually fix this. I feel stuck, and I don't know what i'm going to do about fixing this. 

I'm like worse than most people describe in these articles, i'm completely useless and I don't do anything productive or useful.

I even looked at teaching in Japan as a way to reset, i wouldn't even qualify that's how much of a loser i am. I wouldn't get any references and they'd see my school history and if i'm on meds and for sure they wouldn't let me do it.

[Arcangelo]

10 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

When did you start working really hard? I'm not a hard worker at all

When I was sent on an indefinite non-paid vacation from my McDonald's job: March 20.

10 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

What caused it for you?

My personality I guess? Among a lot of other things.

Edited August 8, 2020 by Arcangelo
McD

[lostmedstudent]

On 7/31/2020 at 10:31 PM, Raptorsin7 said:

I'm fucked. I don't think this will get better. I'm so fucking spoiled, entitled, ashamed, anti social,. I feel like an inferior human being.

hey, dont blame yourself like that. you did the best you could given the circumstances and information you had at the time you made the decision.

everything is okay. if you didnt drop out, youd wonder forever what if, what would happen.

grass is always greener on the other side, dont lose hope! keep it up! there are people in way worse situations! things will be better eventually and everything is happening so you can learn and grow from it! dont look at things so negatively. i know its way easier said than done, but you have to believe in yourself! <3 <3 <3 

[Raptorsin7]

@lostmedstudent Thanks.

But i really am a fuck up here. I am envious of you tbh, you are responsible. You went to med school, you are supporting yourself and now you are trying to self actualize and find happiness with a stable base of life.

I did the opposite. I was completely dependent on my parents for everything, i've only worked 1 job for 1 summer in my life, and now i'm 24 with no prospects. And i'm completely toxic for employees or other school options. I didn't even finish my exams so i have a bunch of N's on my transcript, and i failed a semester from depression in the past two.

I'm going to become hikkimori at the rate i'm going and i'm terrified.

[lostmedstudent]

22 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

You went to med school, you are supporting yourself and now you are trying to self actualize and find happiness with a stable base of life.

it all looks nice on the outside. but i dont actually feel that way. there are days where i feel really out of alignment with my life vision, days where i feel like im a total imposter and alien compared to the rest of the medical community. for the most part. i have been struggling a lot, questioning everyday whether this is what im meant to do. 

22 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

i've only worked 1 job for 1 summer in my life,

theres no real difference between you and me. i have never worked my entire life until i started working as a resident. so before that, we were in the same boat. and we still are in the sense that i just followed the path that was layed out for me. and now i get paid. so i didnt carve out a path for myself either. 

the pôint is, dont compare yourself with others, because everything looks more glam from the outside. 

you are doing great and dont stop believing yourself!

[Raptorsin7]

@lostmedstudent

 

[Raptorsin7]

Okay i just spoke to a psychoanalyst and i felt good after the session. I got a lot out of mind my mind in that session and the analyst seemed very optimistic about working with me, and the potential for growth.

He also expressed concern about getting me on meds and labeling my condition bipolar so early on, and had a very holistic approach to my condition.

I felt some emotions come up during the session, and i feel a bit energized after the session.

I feel optimistic after talking to the analyst, i was unsure about him at first, and i was actually worried that he'd say he couldn't help and i'd have to look somewhere else. 

That went better than i could have hoped for, and the fact that it is 4 days a week is pretty awesome.

[zeroISinfinity]

You told him you beleive you are bipolar? 

Or he is suspecting you are bipolar. 

Meds + 4 days per week. How much money is that if I might ask. 

Really are just sheeps. 

There is literally nothing wrong with you. 

Iron fist polar bear love it which didn't took 10 pills in his entire life. 

You know Rap man. Take that money and go to vacation to somewhere else. It will serve you far more. 

Edited August 11, 2020 by zeroISinfinity

[Raptorsin7]

@zeroISinfinity

1 hour ago, zeroISinfinity said:

You told him you beleive you are bipolar? 

Or he is suspecting you are bipolar. 

I told him i thought i was bipolar, but he said he thinks i'm not. He said i have problems with low self esteem, and psychological development problems.

 

1 hour ago, zeroISinfinity said:

Meds + 4 days per week. How much money is that if I might ask. 

4 days per week, 200 dollars per session. So like $40 000 per year.

 

1 hour ago, zeroISinfinity said:

Really are just sheeps. 

Ouch... but agreed.

1 hour ago, zeroISinfinity said:

There is literally nothing wrong with you. 

I am unhappy and dissatisfied, and i got nothing better to do than try and solve this.

Also look at how i treated Nahm, and issues with responsibility etc. And the fact that i'm here on this forum in the first place. 

If nothing was wrong, i wouldn't be here right? I'd be out living not worrying about "enlightenment" and trying to get therapy.

I have weird problems you get when your family has too much money, and kids are spoiled and weak and parents just let them indulge in fantasies.

1 hour ago, zeroISinfinity said:

You know Rap man. Take that money and go to vacation to somewhere else. It will serve you far more. 

I can't because of Covid but when it's over i will likely go travel. I think solo travel would serve me well, teach me some independence and resilience.

 

You know how i spoke too today @zeroISinfinity? Good old @winterknight. I looked him up and had a call. He was the one who recommended that seekers get psychoanalysis to sort of emotional problems that prevent seekers from progressing on the path.

I read your exchanges with @winterknight too. I may be full of shit pussy, but he is not. He is smart af and spiritually wise. I'm rolling with my boy winter. 

Maybe you need an analyst too, you and i both know you got fucked up psyche as well.

[zeroISinfinity]

3 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

@zeroISinfinity

I told him i thought i was bipolar, but he said he thinks i'm not. He said i have problems with low self esteem, and psychological development problems.

He figured it out at start. It is so obvious but nobody wants to tell you where the problem is. 

3 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

 

4 days per week, 200 dollars per session. So like $40 000 per year.

WTF, whole year od repeating same old story and blah blah blah shit for 40k.

3200 per month. Waste if money it really is. Start living alone with 3k and you will heal so fast. 

You know what. Go to Thailand. Take that money and go for sex tourism it will cure all your problems. Without all this shitty ass talk. 

 

3 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

Ouch... but agreed.

"Happiness" industry meds drugs all BS. 

3 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

I am unhappy and dissatisfied, and i got nothing better to do than try and solve this.

Actually solve it. Psycho bubble is still Just talk. 

3 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

Also look at how i treated Nahm, and issues with responsibility etc. And the fact that i'm here on this forum in the first place. 

Yeah I guess. 

3 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

If nothing was wrong, i wouldn't be here right? I'd be out living not worrying about "enlightenment" and trying to get therapy.

You like keeping that self image that's why. 

3 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

I have weird problems you get when your family has too much money, and kids are spoiled and weak and parents just let them indulge in fantasies.

You have "Russia" problem, richest country there is yet peeps Are poor. 

3 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

I can't because of Covid but when it's over i will likely go travel. I think solo travel would serve me well, teach me some independence and resilience.

Yeah covid. I want out too. To fuck my gf in sea. But ain't gona happen soon. 

3 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

You know how i spoke too today @zeroISinfinity? Good old @winterknight. I looked him up and had a call. He was the one who recommended that seekers get psychoanalysis to sort of emotional problems that prevent seekers from progressing on the path.

Ohhh well Nahm is 7 trillion times better then wintersoldier. That's my estimate. 

 

3 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

I read your exchanges with @winterknight too. I may be full of shit pussy, but he is not. He is smart af and spiritually wise. I'm rolling with my boy winter. 

Well I. Was just playing around. I. Don't take this peeps seriously rap man. Only 5 meo dudes and few are actually awake. Without 5 meo and if it's different time. It will be this guy over here instead of Leo. 

3 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

Maybe you need an analyst too, you and i both know you got fucked up psyche as well.

I face different set of problems it's not really this type of egoic BS. 

[Raptorsin7]

23 minutes ago, zeroISinfinity said:

I face different set of problems it's not really this type of egoic BS. 

You have emotional issues stemming from your relationship with your parents.

You have probably have history of relationships with similar patterns repeating of how you treat girl, type of girl, cheating, intimacy etc.

All "life" problems stem from relationship issues which originated with your parents.

You always say how parents did evil stuff you don't want to talk about etc, isn't that egoic BS?

You and I both have "Mental" problems. Kinda fucked up that i see you(and me) spending like 5 plus hours per day on forum. My problems are more childish, but problems are problems. Maybe psychoanalysis could help you who knows.

 

25 minutes ago, zeroISinfinity said:

Ohhh well Nahm is 7 trillion times better then wintersoldier. That's my estimate.

I'm not working with winter soilder i just had 1 call with him, didn't think it would be so easy. 

Yeah there are levels too awakening i think Nahm is higher too. But you still think Leo is awakened, i'm pretty sure winterknight is beyond Leo, and go read his thread and what he said about Leo, it wasn't pretty.

[zeroISinfinity]

4 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

You have emotional issues stemming from your relationship with your parents.

Yeah I do. Well most of my life. Have shit ton of actual scars. 

4 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

You have probably have history of relationships with similar patterns repeating of how you treat girl, type of girl, cheating, intimacy etc.

Yes I do. But I didn't runaway from facing it. Don't hiding things under the rug. Yes I treat girls like shit sometimes that's true. 

4 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

All "life" problems stem from relationship issues which originated with your parents.

Yes that's the case. 

4 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

You always say how parents did evil stuff you don't want to talk about etc, isn't that egoic BS?

It is. 

4 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

You and I both have "Mental" problems. Kinda fucked up that i see you(and me) spending like 5 plus hours per day on forum. My problems are more childish, but problems are problems. Maybe psychoanalysis could help you who knows.

For me life in it's regular sense stopped existing. Woken up from it. 

 

4 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

 

I'm not working with winter soilder i just had 1 call with him, didn't think it would be so easy. 

Yeah there are levels too awakening i think Nahm is higher too. But you still think Leo is awakened, i'm pretty sure winterknight is beyond Leo, and go read his thread and what he said about Leo, it wasn't pretty.

Yes Leo is fully awoken same as Nahm. 

Winter dude is not. 

[zeroISinfinity]

Let me add that Thai trip on dreamboard. 

You will never know when pisces lady might flip around and go crazy. 

How I come up with this ideas. 

24 years old 40k. Airport son get tickets and first plane to bangkok. 

Edited August 11, 2020 by zeroISinfinity

[Raptorsin7]

I smoked weed yesterday for the first time in a few months with a friend and it was in interesting experience.

I realized that i don't like spending time with my friend, as i didn't feel i was able to emotionally open up to him and i didn't trust him to honor our conversation. 

Most of my friends are emotionally closed off, so am I, so in any given conversation or interaction i don't feel like I really connect meaningfully with the person.

I also just felt bad and like a complete loser just hanging out at the park. I became aware of how distorted my social circle is, and just the way I live my life is not good.

I got some glimpse into how distorted my perspective on life is, and how the lens through which I see the world is playing a big role in my unhappiness. I'm directionless, i have so sense of purpose or goals, and i'm insecure and feel bad about myself. Obviously this stuff needs to change, but i'm terrified of even taking any steps.

The only thing i want to do is isolate myself, and recede from society. I'm becoming one of those weird kids that was spoiled as a kid and now can't function as an adult. The thing is i don't feel any of this stuff. My life is so terrible and wrong, but it doesn't feel like that. 

I also became aware of how much i hate myself. I know if i was observing myself as just an ordinary person, I would hate myself and judge myself extremely harshly. I'm not actively saying to myself how much i hate myself, but it has to be there operating below the surface.

I have a lot riding on my psychoanalysis. I can't imagine that's a good sign, but i really hope something good and trans formative comes from this experience.

[Arcangelo]

On 8/11/2020 at 0:28 AM, Raptorsin7 said:

4 days per week, 200 dollars per session. So like $40 000 per year.

Holy f-ing sh@t.

On 8/11/2020 at 0:50 AM, zeroISinfinity said:

3200 per month. Waste if money it really is. Start living alone with 3k and you will heal so fast. 

+1

[Raptorsin7]

I had an appointment with the analyst today. He made a few interesting points that stuck with me:

First, he told me that my situation is very fortunate, and how the fact that i have such a supportive family is something to feel good about and be thankful for. But i asked him why i don't feel that and i just feel bad about all this and he told me he thinks it's because i hate myself and i hate my parents because i blame them for their part in making me a person that i myself hate. 

I agree with this point, but i don't know how to stop hating myself. I know i feel bad, but i'm not actively aware of how much i hate myself or where the self hatred exists in my direct experience. I

Second, he told me he was concerned because it sounded like i expect some quick fix or miracle pill with the analysis. He said it takes time, and the process is more like watching grass grow than some movie scene where there's a cathartic experience and then love and happiness etc. He also said he's worried that if i don't see results early in the process i'm going to just quit. He made good points, and i am an impatient person who wants results fast. But i think i've learned from past mistakes that i need to commit long term to some form of therapy if i'm going to make substantial changes. 

I think i might be strapping in for the long haul here with all these therapies and rasa etc. I'm worried about my health too, i'm almost certaintly type 2 diabetic and my feet feel cold and weird now. I think my blood glucose is just insanley high from years of terrible diet and now i'm really feeling it. I'm going to get bloodwork done and get on meds to control it.

If i can get right over these next few years then at least the rest of my life to enjoy and be a real person. But i'm concerned because i'm pretty miserable right now, and i don't know what i'm going to do for these next few years. Just sitting in my room and doing nothing isn't going to be sustainable i don't think and i'm ashamed and embarassed to even like leave my house.

[Zigzag Idiot]

9 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

I agree with this point, but i don't know how to stop hating myself. I know i feel bad, but i'm not actively aware of how much i hate myself or where the self hatred exists in my direct experience. I

In the past I remember more than once of having such an inner torment that it was a distinct feeling of " I would not wish this on anyone." I respect your openness and you continuing to share your experience. Self hatred has been a part of my journey. Thinking it had been resolved only to later discover a deeper layer. 

Ive found it interesting and strange also that emotional pain can notiicably come in waves like the physical pain of a tooth or earache.  Don't know really what that means,,,,but it reminds me that sometimes all I can do is to let go and allow whatever the experience is to unfold instead of fighting against something that will do nothing other than wear me down. There are a lot of subtleties it seems. A lot of back and forth,,,, sometimes revealing something unexpected and pleasant.

I don't want to get in your space. Just felt like sharing some. Your sharing what you do will most likely be a help to someone else doing their work. In a way, were all in it together.

Peace.

[Raptorsin7]

@Zigzag Idiot You are more than welcome to post, I appreciate your insights.

I thought I cured my self hatred before too. I was in a similar depressed state and I did some self acceptance work and felt a lot better and thought I had made a permanent breakthrough.

I struggle a lot with acceptance. I struggle and resist with everything, I wish I was the kind of person who could go with the flow.

Do you ever get sick of the process? It sounds like you've been on the this road a long time. I've been looking that for something that i envy in other people. It's like people have these lives that I just want to take or be brought into. I'm not even that old but just the idea of continuing to live in state of longing for more, and getting glimpses of better in my dreams, it's just starting to weigh on me. Life is short, and I'm supposedly in the prime of my life and its just so much worse than I ever imagined my life to be.