The End Of Seeking

[zeroISinfinity]

Well still better then playing League of Legends like you are 12 years old. 

[Raptorsin7]

1 minute ago, zeroISinfinity said:

Lens will change automatically once you take responsibility for your life and finally enter adulthood. 

Jump in god damn ocean. Get yourself wet don't just look at it and think. About it. Then runaway to your mom. To hug you. You will never learn to swim that way. 

Yeah that's probably true. Have no desire to rent room and deal with shame of being a loser after so many people saw so much potential in me, but i think this is only next step if all else fails.

Teaching in asia could be good for learning to be alone and survive in lesser conditions, but could also be trap of running away. Will have to see on that one.

[zeroISinfinity]

Fuck with teachings. Now it's time to grow up. You do 1st thing. 2nd thing when you are developed. 

Do you really beleive Leo wasn't devoleped grown ass adult when he started with his enlightenment journey. 

Think about it. 

Ask @Nahm about his life pre enlightenment. Probably Didn’t played video games etc. 

[Raptorsin7]

@zeroISinfinity Leo isn't even happy. The guy just blasts himself with DMT and sits alone in his house, he's way more developed than me but he has problems.

I thought this stuff would help with development man. It's easier to develop and grow etc when you are happy, functional human being. Flow state occurs where difficulty= skills of person. 

I'm not saying i can avoid growing up and taking responsibility, i just thought that the teachings/path would show me why i lost joy of life as a kid, and why i'm so unhappy.  Clear the debris of the psyche and go live life. 

Edited July 21, 2020 by Raptorsin7

[zeroISinfinity]

I know you will nit do anything about this. 

Problem is in few years you will be at same spot. In even worse situatiin as 28 years old man kid and it will continue. You will miserable life. Right now younare actually poor af, but having illusion or beleiving you are "wealthy"? 

[Raptorsin7]

@zeroISinfinity I know, if i don't change this isn't going to get better. I'm going to be same loser, only add a few more years and take some hair off.

I know i'm not wealthy. My core is broken, i'm a weak person it's bad. 

I have family money, but it means literally nothing. I'll be 55 and inherit millions, and still be a miserable child.

[zeroISinfinity]

1 minute ago, Raptorsin7 said:

@zeroISinfinity Leo isn't even happy. The guy just blasts himself with DMT and sits alone in his house, he's way more developed than me but he has problems.

Ofcourse he has, @Nahm has it too., I have it too. You have no idea how actually difficult this stuff is, enlightenment =Bittersweet to extreme. I already said how you can deal extreme bitter taste when you never tasted anything even small scale bitterness in your life? 

1 minute ago, Raptorsin7 said:

I thought this stuff would help with development man. It's easier to develop and grow etc when you are happy, functional human being. Flow state occurs where difficulty= skills of person. 

Flow state for what. Playing and raging at people playing video game? 

1 minute ago, Raptorsin7 said:

I'm not saying i can avoid growing up and taking responsibility, i just thought that the teachings/path would show me why i lost joy of life as a kid, and why i'm so unhappy.  Clear the debris of the psyche and go live life. 

You lost joy because you can't stay as kid. You want mommy for your whole life. 

[Raptorsin7]

@zeroISinfinity It's difficult for you. Look around at other people on the forum, literally you are one of the only one's crying about how hard it is. So many people just seem happy, and like they are trying to help lost seekers.

I know i have co-dependent relationship with my mother. The issue is i have no will or desire to change situation right now, literally just stuck in my head going round and round for weeks.

[zeroISinfinity]

Wish ya all the best. I really do. 

Just wanted to point something you understood what and that's it. No place for more talk.

[Raptorsin7]

@zeroISinfinity Yeah I agree, you really did bring it to the fore front and I think I need to be fully independent, the longer I'm in this state of helplessness the longer I'll suffer.

 

[Raptorsin7]

I'm getting sick of my monologue posts, it's the same victim, self loathing story. I'd rather write more concisely about where i'm at.

I'm a complete loser. I really thought i was ahead in law school. I thought i had a lot figured out. I was meditating for hours a day, i was posting here, i was getting enlightenment coaching, i learned/tried psychs. I was convinced that life was going in a good direction and i was on at least somewhat of a path.

I realize now it was nonsense. I'm a complete loser. No discipline, no work ethic, no maturity, no prospects, no skills. As a worker i'm almost completely useless, i have no problem solving abilities. I really have no idea what i'm going to do. 

I have such petty concerns too. I'm ashamed of dropping out of law school and people viewing me as a failure/loser, but i was a loser before/during/ and now after law school. My insides are messed up. I have no foundation as a person. 

I have appointments set with therapist, psychiatrist, guru etc but i really don't know. I'm not a functional human being, i am literally a spoiled 12 year old in a 24 year old body. This is a mess. 

Fixing my life is going to be a process. I have no idea what i'm going to do career wise. Man do i regret dropping out of law school right now. I could have used the degree to get at least some stable job in the country, but now i don't have that. 

It's funny because i don't feel the misery. I'm just numb. I know in my mind how much of a loser I am, and how fucked this situation is. But i don't feel the negativity. I guess i still have faith that if one of these healing modalities let's me release suppressed emotions it can make a difference.

Does having faith in the various healing modalities even make sense at this point? Am i just putting off the inevitable with therapy, rasa etc. I really want some of this stuff to work, but i have no idea.

Spoiled brat had everything handed to him, and it ruined him. That's my story right now. Not even human, legitimate child with no core. I wish i could cry about this, but i only get a few tears. 

I can't believe i ever gave anyone advice on this forum. I know nothing about the real world, and how to improve stuff. Can't even help myself. 

What if none of this true, and my life will actually turn around very soon? Idk sounds like spiritual bypassing. I guess time will tell how this plays out. I wonder how i'd feel if i knew death was coming. Part of me thinks of it as a relief because then i can avoid responsiblity and burden of cleaning up the mess i've left for myself. But i bet i'd still be scared and ruined by impending death.

Sometimes it doesn't feel real how wrong everything is right now. Just feels like a bad dream. At least i'm about to go bed and probably have some happy dreams.

[Nahm]

@zeroISinfinity

Btw, I appreciate the kinds words the other day. Thank you. 

[Raptorsin7]

On a positive side:

I was depressed like this once before in my life. I was 19 and i was 2nd year college, and i realized i was going to be bald like my dad at young age and it destroyed me. I went from Straight A's to basically failing every class, and i would spend virtually all day everyday thinking about how much of a loser i am, how much of a loser i'm going to be, how my life is over, and i would constantly look in the mirror to see how my hairline looked. This lasted a full year.

I came out of that depression when my dad yelled at me, and i reached a bottom. I realized how much of a loser i was and how i needed to make a change. I have no idea what actually accounted for the motivation, but whatever it was got my ass in gear. I took it 1 day at a time, and i did whatever it took to not be a loser. I was hitting the punching bag, i was doing act as if affirmations, i was inspecting childhood memories and beliefs about my self confidence, i was doing cold showers. I came out as the best version of myself i had ever been. I had so much energy, i had so much confidence, i changed how i looked in the mirror, i went from thinking i was ugly and seeing an ugly person in the mirror, to seeing a handsome good looking guy, it was an incredible shift in being. It took 2 weeks for that shift. 2 weeks to a brand new me, which started from rock bottom victim loser mentality. 

It was amazing how much reality changed in such a small amount of time. Everything was different about my life. It was like reality opened up, and i saw the world in a completely different light. I still had core issues, I didn't address everything, once i felt a lot better i kind of lost myself in enjoying this new state of being, and stopped with the relentless self improvement. 

One of the major insights was how subjective reality is. I went from belieiving that i was a depressed, miserable, loser who was balding, to basically viewing myself as incredibly, confident, good looking etc. It was funny too because after i came out feeling, even the way i looked at my hairline changed haha. I was convinced that i wasn't balding anymore . I was better at basketball, i woke up earlier with incredible energy, i was aggressively pushing my comfort zone is various aspects of life... It was an incredible time of my life.

That gives me hope that i can transcend this stage of my life. I did it before, the potential exists within me to do it again. It's funny, in the midst of all this self pity and victim complex, i actually forgot that i was here before when i was 19. Almost the exact same spot tbh, no future, no hope, no prospects, it was hopeless. And boom 2 weeks later, i'm a different person. 

[zeroISinfinity]

 

 

 

[zeroISinfinity]

 

 

 

[zeroISinfinity]

17 hours ago, Nahm said:

@zeroISinfinity

Btw, I appreciate the kinds words the other day. Thank you. 

You are welcome. Love you, I really do. 

There is underlying hidden message in this, am I right. 

I will not get rid of you don't I? Oh well I guess... 

 

 

 

Edited July 23, 2020 by zeroISinfinity

[Nahm]

@zeroISinfinity ?

No hidden message, just appreciating ya. 

[Arcangelo]

Hey Rap I see you dropped out of college. I am drop out too and I regret it too. Maybe  go back?

Whatever you do, DO NOT throw away your notebooks. I am crying over my lost notebooks now that I am back to school 13 years later.

It's never too late.

[Raptorsin7]

@Arcangelo I have an option but I think I need to move on.

My mental state is a disaster, I'm just stuck in a cycle of negative thinking and feeling guilt and shame. Not sure how to resolve this, but I think I have to have faith something will come from this.

If I go to back school, I'll likely do a 2 year diploma in some sort of computing program to ensure employment 

[Raptorsin7]

I spoke to my parents about working at the farm full time. I think given where i'm at it's a good option. I prefer the solitude of working at the farm, and it could be a good way to improve work ethic, discipline, responsibility etc. I've been in contact with a number of therapists. and i expect i'll be in therapy for the next few years as i sort out my mental problems.

I'm going to speak to my doctor next week to get a referral to a psychiatrist, i'm hoping meds help balance me out and improve my mood. I have no desire to do anything and being in this low state for prolonged periods really sucks. 

The plan for now is to get on meds, stabilize my mood and energy levels so i can be functional. Then start working at the farm, and spend my time in therapy and trying to find ways to flourish and go after more in life. 

Being at home i see where my life is headed unless i can get out of here. I'm a child living in this house, and my parents will always baby me and maintain this co-dependent nightmare as long as I live. I'm lucky i have an out with the farm. The farm is an hour away from my parents house, and i should be able to move out and get a place near the farm outside the city. 

My mind feels a bit clearer today because i laid down for a few hours. There's less of the negative thought cycle, i expect that this is what the antidepressants will do to me. It will likely just slow me down by 20% or so or relax me by 20%.

I think i'm much more messed up than I initially thought when i first started posting here. I always presented myself to the world in the best light I could, but deep down there were character flaws and parts of my personality that were dark that i never showed people. The co-dependence, the childishness, the toxic beliefs, etc all this stuff i kept under wraps.

I wonder how therapy and meds will affect my perspective moving forward. I'm definitely in a woe is me mindset right now, and everything i write is clouded by negativity and depression. 

Right now life sucks and i'm unhappy, but hopefully it get betters soon.

I've felt a strong urge to take LSD recently. I feel my head twisted like a knot, and this is the exact experience i've had on the few breakthrough experiences on LSD. There's like an inner pressure that is just waiting to be released inside my head, and i don't know how to undo it without LSD. I told ramaji i wouldn't do psychs so i won't do it, but dam i've been thinking about it a lot recently. 

Edited July 25, 2020 by Raptorsin7