The End Of Seeking

[Galyna]

18 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

I appreciate the advice but we've gone so many pages of telling me about immaturity issues etc

Look at this statement closely, find what is hidden there....

 

I wanted to help you with the advice. I have no idea about your life situation. 

We were just rambling about life there, in Eastern Europe, I did not say a word about you being immature. It had nothing to do with you. At the end, it is your conscious choice what to be, right?

You can be anything you want with regards of what other people think. I was just suggesting some variants about studying abroad that may refresh you from your daily routine and could help you to find more inspiration. 

18 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

But it sounds like the solution for me is to completely detach from parents and learn to struggle and survive on my own, and then that will bring happiness?

Of course not! It is not going to make you happy. But it might inspire you to build the life that you want.

18 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

I also thought life had potential to be incredible, magical etc but lens/perspectives i was holding was what prevented me from seeing a better life so to speak. 

life is incredible and it is all up to us to believe it or not. 

Life is going to be exactly as you perceive it. That is true for sure, 100%!

Edited July 20, 2020 by Galyna

[zeroISinfinity]

So gain independence life on your own. Learn to fully take care of yourself. Then working with @Nahm will make  sense.

It's so god damn easy to live on your own in Canada. Just examples for you to make no mistake that it isn't. Some fear you have about it. That initial kick in your ass. So you can do actual work about your dream. Enlightenment not to be only escape and day dreamimg about it. 

I mean I can teach you too not a problem. But I don't give a fuck, really. 

Inittial kick in a but and how to organize your adult life regarding habits and discipline is most you can get and will respong only in regards to that if you need help. 

[Raptorsin7]

@zeroISinfinity It's okay i appreciate your help, i think i have enough resources at my disposal from here on.

39 minutes ago, Galyna said:

Look at this statement closely, find what is hidden there....

 

I wanted to help you with the advice. I have no idea about your life situation. 

The self obsession? I do take everything personally, i don't know if that's a result of me being inside my own head for so long, or if it's narcissistic personality disorder or something.

 

[Raptorsin7]

Just watched Leo's victim video. It summarizes my mindset pretty well. I'm a victim. There's a few guys on this forum who are huge victims, i recognized them when i first started posting when i was in school. I never really understood them, and felt bad that they were just so powerless. I get it now. I'm right there with them. It's sad and funny. Feel like a total loser. I think i'm stuck in a perpetual state of shame or repressed shame? Maybe i have repressed anger, and so i'm stuck in constant shame complex? Hopefully therapy provides some good answers in this dimension.

I feel a lot of pressure in the third eye and head region. This is the most tension that has been there since my LSD break through. I know that when the tension in the head is released and i let go fully that there will be a release of suppressed emotions, and break through to a higher state of being. This is exactly how it happened on my LSD trip, it's why i was so confident in what i was doing. The sensations are right here, i can feel them, but they won't release. 

I wonder if i just have to ride this low for however long it lasts, and then when the high comes i have to milk and use it to achieve financial independence. I was speaking to my uncle today, and i've heard from other sources too, manic depressives can achieve insane results when they are on a high. It's just a matter of how long the high lasts. If the high lasts beyond maybe 3-4 months, then i'm pretty sure i can ride that high and make money in that time. I could climb league to challenger, and then start writing and streaming. People would pay to see a manic dude play league of legends in a heart beat. I could think of how to market, and play up a character, but it could really work. That would set me up for my next low because i could just live off the money i earned and plan my next step. A major source of angst for me right now is the fact that i have no economic prospects. My family money is pretty much useless at this point, because I'm not a self sufficient human who could use the money to my advantage, and my parents won't give me the money until they die which won't be for like 40 years. By the time i inherit any money my life will be past it's prime, and if i haven't figured this shit out by 40 or 50 then it's likely i will never figure it out. That idea is crazy and i don't feel good about it, but i don't feel good about any of the other ideas either so idk.

The next step for me is likely to ride the depressive wave until end of summer. Keep going to the farm asap and try to help out and work. See a psychiatrist and therapist, keep getting rasa, take meds, and then see how i feel on this regiment. The hope would be that a medication like prozac or lithium will prevent the lows i'm in right now, so i have more a stable baseline from which to function. If i had more energy from let's say prozac and well butrin, i would establish a strong morning routine and start running and working every morning using the new found energy.

One concern of antidpressants is increased risk of suicide which is concerning. I sometimes think about what if i was suicidal, but i've never been seriously considering killing myself, my life was never that low. But i never thought i'd be this low, and i didn't think i'd drop out of law school, so the mind and the mood are maleable enough to not be trusted. I don't really understand the dynamics of suicide. If i am an infinite being, who's made of infinite pure love, then wouldn't i just come back in a different dream if i committed suicide. No one seems to have a good answer to this conundrum. My attitude towards suicide has always been i will eventually so there's no need to rush, and my life isn't anywhere near miserable enough to warrant suicide.

If nothing works by the end of the year, i will likely pack my shit and move to asia and start english teaching. It could be fun to spend my mid 20s just bouncing around asia teaching, and learning to be independent and responsible. I really hope it doesn't come to this but it's an option.

The ideal/goal is to address the problem of the mind and learn to control the mind in such a way that i can stabilize my mood, set solid goals that feel good, and just live a productive functional life and go from there. The purpose of the RASA, psychiatric meds, therapy etc is to gain control and tame the mind/ tame the ox. If i learn to tame the mind then all the above i wrote will be thrown out the window, and the trajectory of my life will be completely different. It will be like these pasts few months were just a bad dream, and i would begin with a blank slate in the present moment with a tamed mind. I hope this, or something similar happens. God willing.

[kag101]

@Raptorsin7 Hey man,

I hope that the treatment plan works out. It might take some time. You might have to try more than one med before finding the right one. Stay patient; it's fucking worth it!

 

 

Looking in retrospective, all the years I spend meditating, doing yoga, using psychedelics were -- in essence -- a waste of time and energy. They actually ended up making matters worse. I was trying to overcome social anxiety and clinical depression, both of which are medical conditions, through self-help videos/books and self-reflection. How naive (and arrogant in a way) I was...

Deep down, what I really needed was to be heard by a high-quality psychotherapist. Not crappy therapy, but someone who I could feel comfortable sharing what I'm going through. And if the person would give an advice, it would be in a polite way, respecting me as an intelligent human being. And also someone would say or ask me interesting things.

The most important thing to know if the therapist is good is if you feel like you were truly heard. If, for instance, you vent about something; then afterwards, the therapist make a snarky passive-aggressive condescending comment, then this is a red flag. Another bad sign would be if he fakes empathy (saying a lot of "I understand", "Oh..." but not in an authentic way).

 

Anyway, all the best, man. I wish you a very good luck.

If you want, feel free to PM me whenever you feel like it.

[zeroISinfinity]

@Raptorsin7

31 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

Just watched Leo's victim video. It summarizes my mindset pretty well. I'm a victim. There's a few guys on this forum who are huge victims, i recognized them when i first started posting when i was in school. I never really understood them, and felt bad that they were just so powerless. I get it now. I'm right there with them. It's sad and funny. Feel like a total loser. I think i'm stuck in a perpetual state of shame or repressed shame? Maybe i have repressed anger, and so i'm stuck in constant shame complex? Hopefully therapy provides some good answers in this dimension.

I feel a lot of pressure in the third eye and head region. This is the most tension that has been there since my LSD break through. I know that when the tension in the head is released and i let go fully that there will be a release of suppressed emotions, and break through to a higher state of being. This is exactly how it happened on my LSD trip, it's why i was so confident in what i was doing. The sensations are right here, i can feel them, but they won't release. 

I wonder if i just have to ride this low for however long it lasts, and then when the high comes i have to milk and use it to achieve financial independence. I was speaking to my uncle today, and i've heard from other sources too, manic depressives can achieve insane results when they are on a high. It's just a matter of how long the high lasts. If the high lasts beyond maybe 3-4 months, then i'm pretty sure i can ride that high and make money in that time. I could climb league to challenger, and then start writing and streaming. People would pay to see a manic dude play league of legends in a heart beat. I could think of how to market, and play up a character, but it could really work. That would set me up for my next low because i could just live off the money i earned and plan my next step. A major source of angst for me right now is the fact that i have no economic prospects. My family money is pretty much useless at this point, because I'm not a self sufficient human who could use the money to my advantage, and my parents won't give me the money until they die which won't be for like 40 years. By the time i inherit any money my life will be past it's prime, and if i haven't figured this shit out by 40 or 50 then it's likely i will never figure it out. That idea is crazy and i don't feel good about it, but i don't feel good about any of the other ideas either so idk.

The next step for me is likely to ride the depressive wave until end of summer. Keep going to the farm asap and try to help out and work. See a psychiatrist and therapist, keep getting rasa, take meds, and then see how i feel on this regiment. The hope would be that a medication like prozac or lithium will prevent the lows i'm in right now, so i have more a stable baseline from which to function. If i had more energy from let's say prozac and well butrin, i would establish a strong morning routine and start running and working every morning using the new found energy.

One concern of antidpressants is increased risk of suicide which is concerning. I sometimes think about what if i was suicidal, but i've never been seriously considering killing myself, my life was never that low. But i never thought i'd be this low, and i didn't think i'd drop out of law school, so the mind and the mood are maleable enough to not be trusted. I don't really understand the dynamics of suicide. If i am an infinite being, who's made of infinite pure love, then wouldn't i just come back in a different dream if i committed suicide. No one seems to have a good answer to this conundrum. My attitude towards suicide has always been i will eventually so there's no need to rush, and my life isn't anywhere near miserable enough to warrant suicide.

If nothing works by the end of the year, i will likely pack my shit and move to asia and start english teaching. It could be fun to spend my mid 20s just bouncing around asia teaching, and learning to be independent and responsible. I really hope it doesn't come to this but it's an option.

The ideal/goal is to address the problem of the mind and learn to control the mind in such a way that i can stabilize my mood, set solid goals that feel good, and just live a productive functional life and go from there. The purpose of the RASA, psychiatric meds, therapy etc is to gain control and tame the mind/ tame the ox. If i learn to tame the mind then all the above i wrote will be thrown out the window, and the trajectory of my life will be completely different. It will be like these pasts few months were just a bad dream, and i would begin with a blank slate in the present moment with a tamed mind. I hope this, or something similar happens. God willing.

Once again you are full of shit. I am so sorry. Will always call on you on BS. So came up with new narrative. 

 

If you want to be helped. But it's very obvious you are not. 

Still 40 year old story.Red  Alarm

 

[commie]

24 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

If i had more energy from let's say prozac and well butrin, i would establish a strong morning routine and start running and working every morning using the new found energy.

You keep waiting for magic cures! I have no idea what you call "energy" but you don't need it to got out and walk. Walk fast or walk uphill and that'll be exercise enough if you're out of shape. Simply walking also makes it easy to observe the environment you're walking in (kind of like meditating). You can consider upgrading to running later but the main thing is to start doing something now.

Working on the farm is probably a good idea as well. The reason your family's money isn't much use (but certainly not useless!) is apparently that you have no reasonable plans to do anything with it. Unlike hopes for magic, coming up with solid plans takes time.

Let the doctors worry about what drugs (if any) are appropriate in your condition. Since your family has money, you'll have plenty of opportunity to talk to them about suicide or other side effects after they've recommended a drug.

[zeroISinfinity]

League of Legends =24 years old. Man? 

Will call you out. 

[zeroISinfinity]

@commie You indeed sound like normal guy. All escapist here. Magic pill very nice statement. 

Kids giving advice to kid how to grow up. Never faced anything in life giving advices for it. Clueless la la landers. 

[Raptorsin7]

@zeroISinfinity Yeah i guess i'm not ready to do whatever it takes to get out of this. Still hoping for breakthrough, but maybe it will never come.

Going to look up teaching in India, that's likely the move if none of the above works. One way ticket to homeland i've never been too. If i'm going to be a loser, and learning to stand on two feet, then i think 20's in India is as good a place as any to do this.

I either find what i'm looking for, and come back to Canada a self actualized person. Or i remain in exhile and live out my days like Yoda.

[Raptorsin7]

@zeroISinfinity I was playing league because i thought i found happiness through meditation, psychs etc. League of legends is most popular game in the world. People will listen to those who are good at the game. Millions of lost beings playing that game, so much potential to wake people up and plant seeds in their minds. 

Idea fell apart when i realized i was still a miserable seeker, and had nothing of substance to offer anyone. 

I haven't played in like 2 weeks i got banned for toxicity

[zeroISinfinity]

2 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

@zeroISinfinity Yeah i guess i'm not ready to do whatever it takes to get out of this. Still hoping for breakthrough, but maybe it will never come.

Going to look up teaching in India, that's likely the move if none of the above works. One way ticket to homeland i've never been too. If i'm going to be a loser, and learning to stand on two feet, then i think 20's in India is as good a place as any to do this.

I either find what i'm looking for, and come back to Canada a self actualized person. Or i remain in exhile and live out my days like Yoda.

Once again BS. You need development first, enlightenment 2nd. First you master life and you actually have too. 

C'mon radical honesty with me. You don't want LoL you want gf and shitload of sex. 

C'mon don't BS me. We cut all the crap now.

Time to finally grow up no avoidance no escape. 

[zeroISinfinity]

2 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

@zeroISinfinity I was playing league because i thought i found happiness through meditation, psychs etc. League of legends is most popular game in the world.

You played LoL because of dopamine boost victory in game brings. You are an addict same as gambler same shit. Everything else BS excuse and story. 

People will listen to those who are good at the game. Millions of lost beings playing that game, so much potential to wake people up and plant seeds in their minds. 

There are no lost beings and for sure you ain't one who will 'save" em. Enlightenment =you as only Being in existance. Now tell Me how the fuck you will handle that shit underdeveloped. 

2 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

Idea fell apart when i realized i was still a miserable seeker, and had nothing of substance to offer anyone. 

 

You can't even help yourself. 

2 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

I haven't played in like 2 weeks i got banned for toxicity

Ofcourse. 

"happiness with obtaining". Chimp mentality. "human nature" ="human condition" =?

[Raptorsin7]

@zeroISinfinity That's not BS. To me enlightenment was happiness, and finally experiencing magic like quality to life i had when i was kid, and i have in my awesome dreams. That's it. Life is all about lens/perspective of each being. Two people look at mountain. One guy is crying tears of joy out of bewilderment of beauty. One guy is looking at the mountain and thinking why he doesn't feel anything when looking at awesome mountain. Literally all comes back to the lens of the person experiencing the reality. When i was a kid like 9 years old, i was actual efficient human. Good at sports, was good to classmates and teachers, willing to take risks and go outside my comfort zone etc. Then boom next year it was lost. I was insecure, shy, anxious, hated school, didn't get along with anyone. Then that's when i developed arrogance, narcissism, escape into mind etc.

Continued pretty much until now. Had like 4 month period of genuine progress and growth after last depressive episode, that's when i realized how subjective reality is and how it all came down to beliefs and lens.

I want happy life. I want stable gf i like. I want goals and responsibility to exist in the world. I don't give a fuck about god, enlightenment, duality/non duality, it's all nonsense to me i don't care at all. I just wanted to live happy life, and this was the best path i found to do it, or so i thought.

Quote by joseph goldstein, meditation teacher, "When you aim for the highest happiness, all others come along the way". This is what i thought was coming.

[zeroISinfinity]

You can BS @Nahm with "empathically said" or BS him. But you can't BS me because I know all of the ? hooney all of 'em. 

[commie]

11 minutes ago, zeroISinfinity said:

@commie You indeed sound like normal guy.

Please! I'm certainly not a normal guy.

[Raptorsin7]

3 minutes ago, zeroISinfinity said:

There are no lost beings and for sure you ain't one who will 'save" em. Enlightenment =you as only Being in existance. Now tell Me how the fuck you will handle that shit underdeveloped. 

Who gives a fuck if you are only being in existence. It just means everyone is part of one being, and all are interconnected. It's not like @zeroISinfinity is only being, and @Raptorsin7 is some fake projection in only your mind.

Video games are sweet. If this is all VR game for enjoyment then sweet sign me up. I'll play the game of love, joy, happiness, dreaming, memories, experiences. Problem is my lens/game just sucks right now, gotta figure out to how to change lens.

[zeroISinfinity]

2 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

@zeroISinfinity That's not BS. To me enlightenment was happiness, and finally experiencing magic like quality to life i had when i was kid, and i have in my awesome dreams. That's it. Life is all about lens/perspective of each being. Two people look at mountain. One guy is crying tears of joy out of bewilderment of beauty. One guy is looking at the mountain and thinking why he doesn't feel anything when looking at awesome mountain. Literally all comes back to the lens of the person experiencing the reality. When i was a kid like 9 years old, i was actual efficient human. Good at sports, was good to classmates and teachers, willing to take risks and go outside my comfort zone etc. Then boom next year it was lost. I was insecure, shy, anxious, hated school, didn't get along with anyone. Then that's when i developed arrogance, narcissism, escape into mind etc.

Continued pretty much until now. Had like 4 month period of genuine progress and growth after last depressive episode, that's when i realized how subjective reality is and how it all came down to beliefs and lens.

I want happy life. I want stable gf i like. I want goals and responsibility to exist in the world. I don't give a fuck about god, enlightenment, duality/non duality, it's all nonsense to me i don't care at all. I just wanted to live happy life, and this was the best path i found to do it, or so i thought.

Quote by joseph goldstein, meditation teacher, "When you aim for the highest happiness, all others come along the way". This is what i thought was coming.

Se we agree. You don't actually want enlightenment you want life of an adult man. 

You want gf really that's what you fucking want don't BS me. So how you gonna have gf staying as kid? 

I already said she won't spread her legs for you no "stable" girl will. 

[zeroISinfinity]

1 minute ago, Raptorsin7 said:

Who gives a fuck if you are only being in existence. It just means everyone is part of one being, and all are interconnected. It's not like @zeroISinfinity is only being, and @Raptorsin7 is some fake projection in only your mind.

I didn't not said that. It's not God damn solipsism. But you will end up all alone trust.me.on that. 

1 minute ago, Raptorsin7 said:

Video games are sweet. If this is all VR game for enjoyment then sweet sign me up. I'll play the game of love, joy, happiness, dreaming, memories, experiences. Problem is my lens/game just sucks right now, gotta figure out to how to change lens.

Lens will change automatically once you take responsibility for your life and finally enter adulthood. 

Jump in god damn ocean. Get yourself wet don't just look at it and think. About it. Then runaway to your mom. To hug you. You will never learn to swim that way. 

[Raptorsin7]

@zeroISinfinity If like of adult man is like the life of 9 year old @Raptorsin7 then yes that's what i want.

I want happiness. I've been told only real happiness is the happiness inherent to being, ala enlightenment. 

I don't want a fucking GF. i'm a miserable fuck. I don't want to drag a girl into this nonsense with me. Only girls i would attract right now are girls i wouldn't want to date. I want to sort myself out, get my life together, then find a nice girl who i respect and who will respect me. Girlfriend= source of love for many people= addiction to girlfriends to fill hole left by lack of love. It's call love addiction look it up. People go from relationship to relationship filling hole of unhappy life.