The End Of Seeking

[zeroISinfinity]

1 hour ago, allislove said:

Feels amazing, I am sure you can do it  

I lived in a third world country, then moved to a first world country.
Yeah, I like the idea to move temporally somewhere. Afterward, you can appreciate Canada much more.
I wish you all the best on your journey 

Yeah whichn country it was. Dimitri, you are also of  slavic origin aren't you. 

This enlightenment stuff is bittersweet. There is honeymoon period with it. Love, Love, Love but you are concious of some stuff too. It really is as @Nahm said as marriage. Ya know honeymoon comes to an end and man kid will be ok with it but for bittersweet taste of marriage he really has to be adult.

Just want to confront him with that and reason why coaching with @Nahm didn't work and why he doesn't understand what he is teaching. He just lacks development. Nothing else.

There is Absolutelly nothing wrong with him. It looks like I am hating poor fellow but I love him. 

[Raptorsin7]

@zeroISinfinity If there was absolutely nothing wrong with me I wouldn't be on a self help forum seeking advice from strangers on how to be happy lol. 

Coaching didn't work but there's more going on than just lack of development for coaching. I agree that i lack development and if i was more mature and at different stage in life than i bet Nahm's teachings could help me. But the main thing we got stuck on was how to choose a better feeling thought, that was the biggest block lol. Nahm would say pick a different thought that feels good, and my mind would start going all over the map trying and i could never find a better feeling thought. He also stressed the importance of meditation to feel good, but i've tried meditating a lot over the years and i never experienced what he was saying. It was basics of basics that i couldn't grasp.

In hindsight i think LSD is what gave me the most improvement over the last few months. It forced me to just sit down and face what's going on. The only 2 good trips i had were trips where i was able to fully relax and release tension from my head. That's what it was that worked so well, the LSD just let me relax and unwind tension which i don't think i really ever did in my life. My family is full of insanely hard workers they don't know how to relax but for some reason it doesn't bother them. 

My uncle is a good doctor, and i sent him an email after my LSD breakthrough trip, where i felt bliss flowing through me and released all the tension from the third eye, and he told my mom he's pretty sure i'm manic depressive and i need lithium, or prozac. I think he's ri'ght. My guess is over the years i've been at a low, depressive state, and periodically i've hit highs, and those almost always come with major life upheavels. I think i got used to the Lows throughout the years, so the low state just became my baseline and i never really considered that i was just chronically depressed and in a low. I've reached to out some psychoanalysts that also work as psychiatrists so i'll know in the coming weeks about a diagnosis and treatment plan. 

I'm assuming meditation, running, thinking etc will be a lot more beneficial when i'm able to be relaxed and low tension from meds.

@kag101 has posted a similar story. He was chasing enlightenment neurotically, doing meditation, ayausca, and various other new age therapies and he managed to find relief and real progress with meds and therapy. 

[zeroISinfinity]

9 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

@zeroISinfinity If there was absolutely nothing wrong with me I wouldn't be on a self help forum seeking advice from strangers on how to be happy lol. 

Yeah I guess. Thanks for reminder. WTF I am doing here lol. 

9 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

Coaching didn't work but there's more going on than just lack of development for coaching. I agree that i lack development and if i was more mature and at different stage in life than i bet Nahm's teachings could help me. But the main thing we got stuck on was how to choose a better feeling thought, that was the biggest block lol. Nahm would say pick a different thought that feels good, and my mind would start going all over the map trying and i could never find a better feeling thought. He also stressed the importance of meditation to feel good, but i've tried meditating a lot over the years and i never experienced what he was saying. It was basics of basics that i couldn't grasp.

So work on develooment and maturity first. Thinking toughts that feel good in a sense put your mind on overdrive does it. Instead of your focus being on actuality once again focus changed on thinking and being lost in your head. As much as it is good lesson also harms you in a way. 

Once again maturity and you will gain actual wisdom to see traps on your own. 

9 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

In hindsight i think LSD is what gave me the most improvement over the last few months. It forced me to just sit down and face what's going on. The only 2 good trips i had were trips where i was able to fully relax and release tension from my head. That's what it was that worked so well, the LSD just let me relax and unwind tension which i don't think i really ever did in my life.

I do agree on psychedelics. But once you stop using them you are on square 1 and pretty much you end up same with no actual growth. Meditation bit more natural yeah it slower but lets say it's long run thing. 

? Vs hare thing. 

9 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

 

My family is full of insanely hard workers they don't know how to relax but for some reason it doesn't bother them. 

You also need that. To learn to work hard. I am so sorry about that. But you will see why and you will see "workings of your mind" "creating emotions" etc when your survival, self image, protection cloud etc is removed. 

 

9 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

My uncle is a good doctor, and i sent him an email after my LSD breakthrough trip, where i felt bliss flowing through me and released all the tension from the third eye, and he told my mom he's pretty sure i'm manic depressive and i need lithium, or prozac. I think he's ri'ght. My guess is over the years i've been at a low, depressive state, and periodically i've hit highs, and those almost always come with major life upheavels. I think i got used to the Lows throughout the years, so the low state just became my baseline and i never really considered that i was just chronically depressed and in a low. I've reached to out some psychoanalysts that also work as psychiatrists so i'll know in the coming weeks about a diagnosis and treatment plan. 

Well speak With him. Well if you ask. Me I will do everything in my power to avoid any kind of Meds. Meds as last resort not 1st thing to go to.

9 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

I'm assuming meditation, running, thinking etc will be a lot more beneficial when i'm able to be relaxed and low tension from meds.

Meditation, gym working on your life. 

9 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

@kag101 has posted a similar story. He was chasing enlightenment neurotically, doing meditation, ayausca, and various other new age therapies and he managed to find relief and real progress with meds and therapy. 

Whatever. 

[zeroISinfinity]

About your family members working hard but not suffering from "depression" etc well as @Galynasaid they have no time for it.

Same thing was true for me in life too. No time for philosophising, spirituality, feeling good, psychology and all that BS. 

Let me tell you a story it was 1993 year that my gf was born. I remember that years was civil war in bosnia and croatia, my country under sanctions and embargo. Shortages of Everything. Poverty level Tanzania inflation through roof. from semi rich country in 1990. My father had salary in 1990 1500 $ in 1993, 3$.Read that again. Salary 3$. 

We had literally as whole family nothing to eat at all for days. Sometimes we survived on single piece if bread for days. 

February 1993 in hospital my gf was there was no meds and oxygen. If she was born with weak health like my brother for example

Nothing would save her. She would die as baby. 

So grow the fuck respect what you have. It's a bonus not to dwell in that. 

Edited July 20, 2020 by zeroISinfinity

[Raptorsin7]

@zeroISinfinity I know i have to grow up i'm in the process of trying to sort this stuff now.

I appreciate your story, but other people have more miserable lives doesn't mean anything to me, I know life sucks for most people because of circumstances, for me i have no excuse of circumstance but life still sucks. Really makes no sense, life is a dream, all infinite love, but 99% people's lives are just pure survival, literally be born survive then die for everyone.

 

[Galyna]

@Raptorsin7 @zeroISinfinity

guys, I can tell you our story when USSR fell apart, do you want?

Edited July 20, 2020 by Galyna

[zeroISinfinity]

@Galyna Please do. 

[Raptorsin7]

@Galyna Sure

[Galyna]

@Raptorsin7 @zeroISinfinity

Well, my mother came from a very wealthy family. At that particular time my mom's dad was working in navy, and in USSR it was very prestige, his salary was in dollars (while everybody received in rubles) and on top of that he traveled the world, while regular person from USSR did not have such opportunity, they were not allowed to go abroad. So he managed to save so much money that by the time I would graduate high school I could study in other the most prestigious universities of our country, have a car and buy some apartment. 

But that was not the case. When USSR fell apart, my grandfather came to the bank and the person told him that all his savings from his entire life have disappeared due to the bankruptcy of the bank. We thought he would really have a heart attack. 

Imagine for a minute you would have in saving around 200K come to the bank and find out that there is no bank anymore, and you have zero.

That how the USSR ripped off the entire nation. So many people were left with nothing over ONE night....

It was a very hard time, mafia took off, we had so many rackets (crimes). 

To buy a loaf of bread or something you would have to stand in the line for quite a while. 

Oh man, thanks to God we had dollars due to my grandfather profession. Other people were absolutely drowning in poverty.

In Ukraine you can not just buy everything you want. You have to plan for every single thing.

So @zeroISinfinity is right. 

What could be the best remedy for you right now is to take care of yourself and become really independent. 

I left my parent's home when I was sixteen and went to live in another city to pursue my first bachelors.

It was the best five years of my life. 

I do not know your situation, I do not read everything here, I do not have time. Have you taken the life purpose course? Maybe start with this one.

Too bad you can not travel now, it inspires me a lot too.

Have you considered the chance to go and study in Europe?

 

Edited July 20, 2020 by Galyna

[Galyna]

On 7/19/2020 at 4:24 PM, allislove said:

I lived in a third world country, then moved to a first world country.

@zeroISinfinity @Raptorsin7

I remember that feeling back in 2006 when I first came to the USA as an exchange student (I worked in Oregon and than lived in Las Vegas for one month) I was amazed that with 200$ you could buy so many clothes.  I remember myself returning back from TJ Maxx and Marshalls. Oh boy!!! 

Absolute money freedom , dining in the good restaurants, buying all those brands....LOL

 

[Galyna]

@ZeroInfinity @allislove 

I think living in the poor countries is a good school of life. If you manage to survive there, you can survive anywhere.

So guys, be proud for your mental fortitude and experience you got! It is going to be with you for the rest of your life. 

When you come to live in the countries like USA or anywhere in Europe, their problems to us seems like a kindergarten, I do not want to sound rude but it is so true. 

 

Edited July 20, 2020 by Galyna

[Galyna]

5 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

I appreciate your story, but other people have more miserable lives doesn't mean anything to me,

I believe you 100%, looking at my American family (in-laws and everybody) I know it.

You guys just can not imagine and actually it is not your fault. 

[zeroISinfinity]

17 minutes ago, Galyna said:

@Raptorsin7 @zeroISinfinity

Well, my mother came from a very wealthy family. At that particular time my mom's dad was working in navy, and in USSR it was very prestige, his salary was in dollars (while everybody received in rubles) and on top of that he traveled the world, while regular person from USSR did not have such opportunity, they were not allowed to go abroad. So he managed to save so much money that by the time I would graduate high school I could study in other the most prestigious universities of our country, have a car and buy some apartment. 

Old Yugoslavia didn't belonged to eastern block. Split happened 1948. After 1953 US influence become predominant even if it was Communistic country(but with different type of socialism then USSR and China). It was neutral country same as Austria. But backed by US. Imagine that wierdness. So economy was much better then any Country of Eastern block byfar but  poorer then western Europe. Richer then greece, portugal and such countries for sure. So people had good salaries and thanks to communism they got apartments from companies they worked in (similar to western corporations almost no difference just owned by state). So good living standard also well educated etc. 

17 minutes ago, Galyna said:

But that was not the case. When USSR fell apart, my grandfather came to the bank and the person told him that all his savings from his entire life have disappeared due to the bankruptcy of the bank. We thought he would really have a heart attack. 

Yes same thing happened here. People. Lost all. Savings in their banks. Got robbed by state. State got ruled by mafia literally. 

17 minutes ago, Galyna said:

Imagine for a minute you would have in saving around 200K come to the bank and find out that there is no bank anymore, and you have zero.

Yes exactly. Not just you but everyone. 

17 minutes ago, Galyna said:

That how the USSR ripped off the entire nation. So many people were left with nothing over ONE night....

 

 

It was a very hard time, mafia took off, we had so many rackets (crimes). 

Yes mafia. Well everyone is starving + on top of that civil war. Country closed can't import can't export complete collapse of economy. 

 

 

17 minutes ago, Galyna said:

To buy a loaf of bread or something you would have to stand in the line for quite a while. 

Yes long line.and what you can buy was limited too. One bread, liter of oil, 1kg of suger, 1kg of flour. Just God damn outmost basic stuff for just bare survivak. Shortage of almost everything else. 

 

17 minutes ago, Galyna said:

Oh man, thanks to God we had dollars due to my grandfather profession. Other people were absolutely drowning in poverty.

Yes exactly. 

 

17 minutes ago, Galyna said:

In Ukraine you can not just buy everything you want. You have to plan for every single thing.

 

Yes even to this day that's the case for most people. 

17 minutes ago, Galyna said:

So @zeroISinfinity is right. 

Yes I am. 

 

17 minutes ago, Galyna said:

What could be the best remedy for you right now is to take care of yourself and become really independent. By your age I was already making thousands of dollars per month due to cruise ships ofc.

I left my parent's home when I was sixteen and went to live in another city to pursue my first bachelors.

It was the best five years of my life. I had goal, I did not have time for depression. 

I do not know your situation, I do not read everything here, I do not have time. Have you taken the life purpose course? Maybe start with this one.

Too bad you can not travel now, it inspires me a lot too.

Have you considered the chance to go and study in Europe?

 

I agree. Well he has many options just has to grab some balls nothing else. It's super easy for him. But he can't see that. Because la la land is all he knows and it's just normal for him. 

[zeroISinfinity]

@Raptorsin7ask your fatger to give you 20 $ and try to survive with that whole month.Now you can see how difficult it was.

I had to start to go to 1st grade and my mother cried because she couldn:t buy me clothes at all. Shortage of Everything including most dimple stuff. Even if she finds has no money for it. 

Fatger couldn't drive me at school. You could buy gasoline in 2 l plastic bottles on street. Because there wasn't any on gas stations. No import. Can you imagine that chaos

 

Edited July 20, 2020 by zeroISinfinity

[Galyna]

1 hour ago, zeroISinfinity said:

Because la la land is all he knows and it's just normal for him. 

But it wasnt his choice either.

Imagine us be born in the USA and travelling to the Eastern Europe, do you think you would be different? I doubt it. Culture has a great imprint on your personality.

 

Edited July 20, 2020 by Galyna

[zeroISinfinity]

@Galyna Yeah. It's your obligation to take care of 'em and support' em financially. Here older people are very respected. 

So as lets say you get wife and kids. As man you have to work for them all+support parents. 

Lot of pressure for you as man. You can't be pussy. You really have to ba a man not a joke. 

I will explain him how is to have business here lot different then in US and it is so much harder. 

[zeroISinfinity]

Then have @Nahm on my tail. Go dream. Glad I fucking survived. I can write about my childhood. 

Dream about what I don't give a fuck. Bruised and bloodied af. 

 

[Galyna]

7 minutes ago, zeroISinfinity said:

So as lets say you get wife and kids. As man you have to work for them all+support parents. 

It depends on a family of course, but yes, pretty much  how it works there: they support you when you start; you support them when they are old.

 

Edited July 20, 2020 by Galyna

[Raptorsin7]

@zeroISinfinity @Galyna  Yeah so i guess to summarize where you guys think the problem is: 

I was spoiled growing up and my parents protected me from actual hardship so i have distorted perception of how the world works and how people live. So as a result i'm disconnected, isolated, lonely, and that contributes to general misery and shame about my life. 

Also I didn't develop sense of responsibility, independence, maturity, so now as i have gotten older i find myself emotionally and psychologically underdeveloped compared to other people, and this contributes to feelings of inferiority. 

Anything else you think I missed?

I thought that through this work i would uncover emotional and psychological blocks that were present through childhood, because i was more responsible, mature kid, and then that changed at some point and i became a troubled kid, and through addressing the problems in childhood i would gain more clarity and motivation and energy would arise through working through these issues. I also thought life had potential to be incredible, magical etc but lens/perspectives i was holding was what prevented me from seeing a better life so to speak. 

But it sounds like the solution for me is to completely detach from parents and learn to struggle and survive on my own, and then that will bring happiness? I appreciate the advice but we've gone so many pages of telling me about immaturity issues etc i think the point is made, can you guys summarize your points about the issues more?

[zeroISinfinity]

Yes man you nailed it. You need like strong robust healthy core. Once you get that core happiness will be stable. 

Fix root then branches how ever they are will be healthy. 

You don't need psychologist or therapist. You are perfectly healthy. 

You just have to find way on your own to strenghten your core. 

You know. Maybe my apple is filled with bruises and scars and it ain't no best looking one but it is strong and helthy and delicious. 

Having perfect outside of apple but empty inside. Well outside Will rott too and collapse so. Fast. Bruised outside won't collapse. 

Edited July 20, 2020 by zeroISinfinity