The End Of Seeking

[Raptorsin7]

@zeroISinfinity Thanks man. I wish you well too

[Raptorsin7]

@Galyna At this point it's all just labels. Type of person i am right now, unhappy, selfish etc can be thought of as my entire personality or ego. That's where the issue is. So whatever it takes to get personality/ego to be functional, self sufficient, happy etc is where i need to spend energy and focus.

[zeroISinfinity]

You are not a loser. 

You have no pereonality disorders. 

Nobody wants to talk with you like to man to man. That was an issue. 

Find better friends.

It's easy to make friends you know. Go find hobby or some activity that involves people. You know playing basketball at nearby court. 

Just be interested in them and interested in what they do .Talk be curious nothing really that difficult. 

Be more open ain't no dinosaurs you know. Smile too but hold yourself with dignity. 

Talk with @Nahmabout independence, discipline etc. Something that deep down you want.How he is supposed to help when you withold. Be radically brutally honest.

It's also easy to find gf too. Tinder delete that shit. 

Shake off desire for "easy mode". 

Easy mode doesn't bring "personality disorder" improvements. 

Edited July 19, 2020 by zeroISinfinity

[Raptorsin7]

@zeroISinfinity Yeah it's true no one in my life ever really said this stuff so blunt. 

I guess people thought because I was in law school then no problem, but i never expressed how deep down i knew it was all wrong and something is off about life.

Rock bottom is coming. I see how fucked everything is around me right now. 

Nahm tried his best but I don't think I'm ready for his teachings. Going to go with therapy and psychiatrist and re build life from scratch.

[zeroISinfinity]

No man. I already told you. Fuck therapy fuck all that shit. Honestly just drop it. 

Can you bare and face that. Learn problem solving on your own. 

Therapy...... Run to mommy to fix me up. 

Shrug this things. Already told you there is nothing wrong with to you. 

[zeroISinfinity]

Strike your nerves does it and it's ok. 

Time for "roughing". I am so sorry but that's how it is and you will be happy. 

Deep down you know this stuff yet you don't see this stuff around so you reject it. 

Don't suck your family tits don't suck society tits too. 

[zeroISinfinity]

Entire field of "I will fix you up when there is nothing really wrong with you in first place but we will convince you you are lacking something so we can take your money" you know what. 

Shrug it from your dick. 

You don't know man entire field of buisiness that can make you happy. 

You know what that field is. It is field of Bullshit. 

Edited July 19, 2020 by zeroISinfinity

[zeroISinfinity]

Enlightenment is bittersweet thing you know. Extremly. How can you bare extreme bitterness under developed?! 

Leo, Nahm allnthese guys are fully devoloped people. Adult peeps ya know. 

[Raptorsin7]

@zeroISinfinity I'm not there yet. You might be right, but I'm not low enough yet to accept what you're saying.

I still have hope that I can find what's preventing enjoyment of life as it is. Even man child with no skills could be happy life, I believe true happiness is not about conditions but just is. 

I had a happy child good it wasnt always numb and lifeless. Dont knkw what what happened when I was a kid but happiness got sucked away and life sucked. I remeber it clearly, grade 3 I was a self actualized kid, life was good. Then next year grade 4 life and school got dark and bad, and never really recovered

[Raptorsin7]

55 minutes ago, zeroISinfinity said:

Enlightenment is bittersweet thing you know. Extremly. How can you bare extreme bitterness under developed?! 

Leo, Nahm allnthese guys are fully devoloped people. Adult peeps ya know. 

I don't care about enlightenment. I just want to be happy like in my dreams and like I was as a kid. 

I also just want my fucking sensations in my head to release and relax. ive felt them on the verge of popping for months now.

Whatever your version of enlightenment is, yeah I'm not ready for that. But there is some basic shit wrong with me that I know can be fixed.

[zeroISinfinity]

39 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

@zeroISinfinity I'm not there yet. You might be right, but I'm not low enough yet to accept what you're saying.

 

OK I get that just my wish to help. 

Quote

I still have hope that I can find what's preventing enjoyment of life as it is. Even man child with no skills could be happy life, I believe true happiness is not about conditions but just is. 

Yeah happiness is right here sure. But ya know do you actually still want to be man kid. C'mon honest with yourself. 

Quote

I had a happy child good it wasnt always numb and lifeless. Dont knkw what what happened when I was a kid but happiness got sucked away and life sucked. I remeber it clearly, grade 3 I was a self actualized kid, life was good. Then next year grade 4 life and school got dark and bad, and never really recovered

Days when you were kid are over. You abandoned law school and you really have any excuse left to stay kid. Sorry if it hurts but consequences of your decisions face it. 

[zeroISinfinity]

My bet is that you wanted to prolongue school as much as possible by 24 you should finish college and stay as immature kid as long as possible. Never facing life. 

But your plan hasn't work and can't work and all tht blame, hatred, u happiness, depression is all because of that. 

Your plan of life under umbrella is not really good for your "psyche" and that's it. 

Edited July 19, 2020 by zeroISinfinity

[zeroISinfinity]

I had a friend and notice had. He was like that. 

Dropped of college never worked day of his life. Also played video games 8-10 hours all day long. I bet you lie you play just 3 hours because you have nothing to do in that household. 

Where is he now. He is literally that guy from. Description above. 

His mother died. Father got somehow insane. Lost all of their family money. 

He spends day alone in room drinking and smoking yes also that tinder like shit serbian version. Still plays video games too didn't have gf for ages. Didn’t had sex for years. Health ruined looks old, fat etc. Lazy af doesn't even look for a job at all. Happily puts up all crap of this mad father and serves him like a slave etc. 

I accepted him. As friend just because of my empathy and because I was sorry for him. Even tried to help. Even if I know that these guys can't be helped because they don't want to be helped. They want approval for that shit. 

He will never change grow or do anything with his life. His father dies, he will be 50 most likely and then what? 

 

Edited July 19, 2020 by zeroISinfinity

[zeroISinfinity]

So Therapy, Psychologist, RASA, Nahm whatever nothing will help you and that's very True. Because you don't actually want to grow up. Nothing in world can help with that because you have to do it on your own. 

Enlightenment is also on your own make no mistake about it too. 

So only real way that someone somehow make you concious of your own BS is with being "blunt". 

But ok you are free to decide. My bet you will stay the same. 

Emotional numbness etc can't cry blah blah shit is because you are getting proper advices and help for right direction but that's not what you want. You want to stay the same but staying same will not work. 

Good luck avoiding "exiling yourself" it will bring you so much good in long run. 

Edited July 19, 2020 by zeroISinfinity

[Raphael]

I'm not sure if I'm qualified to post here because I have a similar age and I'm also living with my parents, but I'm doing it anyway.

From my perspective, you are too harsh on yourself and also have some victim mentality.

@zeroISinfinity I also think that you are too harsh on him.

In my experience, hyper-masculine approaches never worked on me. Putting yourself so down by being so harsh, by blaming yourself/others, and shaming yourself/others doesn't' work as you can see.

Last time that I was so critical and harsh of myself, I was also very hateful and depressed. At home, I would lay down on the floor thinking about suicide, insulting myself, and masturbating myself all day to evacuate my anger. At work, I would ignore everyone and refuse everything of them and because of that others would also be hypercritical of me and insult me. The result was a downward spiral of depression and anger.

What helped me during this ~1 year period of time was to stop trying to do things, isolate myself with my depression, change environment, and keep my social interactions to the minimum. Acceptance first, progress after.

@Raptorsin7 You can PM if you want.

[zeroISinfinity]

@Raphael I agree. But shock treatment. 

I know it sounds rude and harsh it does. But something needs to make him. Concious of this stuff. I do indeed wish him all the best I don't lie about that. 

Picking weed btw rows  on farm. Red alarm. 

It really is red alarm sweet talk won't help him at all. 

He will not change or do anything about this I know. 

It's a waste of time but let this be here when after 2 years or 3 years he remembers oh shit there was this Alex dude telling me something maybe he was right after all. 

 

You guys won't break him and he needs to get broken down for his own good. 

By support and approval and "understanding" you are doing him wrong. 

But ok just my opinion. 

Edited July 19, 2020 by zeroISinfinity

[zeroISinfinity]

He beleives "wealthy cloud of protection and safety" is real. 

When bubble burst and it will sooner or later he will find himself as poorest in almost every way guy on planet. Devastated and ruined. 

That poverty is case right now but he avoids to see it. Closes his eyes. 

You guys are helping him to have his eyes closed and becauseof that  he will like you. 

But guys who actually help him see, he will blame and drag into mud (exactly). 

 

Edited July 19, 2020 by zeroISinfinity

[Raphael]

 

 

 

 

1 hour ago, zeroISinfinity said:

You guys won't break him and he needs to get broken down for his own good. 

By support and approval and "understanding" you are doing him wrong. 

I agree, and it's actually after being broked in pieces myself that I started loving myself. I was just so down that I started to have panic attacks, I thought I was dying. It led me to the realization that I need to accept and love myself, and that's what is currently allowing me to move forward even though I still have backslashes.

Nevertheless, I consider that there's a limit to how much someone needs to be broken down, some people never recover. I don't know him that much nor the relationship that you guys are, so I'm maybe wrong here, and maybe broking him down is necessary, but I personally don't want to break him until he has a panic attack or a heart attack.

There's an equilibrium to be found and some limits to be respected to allow growth to happen.

[Raphael]

 

 

 

25 minutes ago, modmyth said:

Personally I like the harsh masculine approach, it gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling.

I don't know if this is only me, but I feel like it mostly works when someone has repressed anger. That way when someone is harsh, the person reacts and wants to prove others wrong. I don't consider this healthy as it's backed up by fear.

[zeroISinfinity]

36 minutes ago, modmyth said:

@Raptorsin7I

@zeroISinfinity Personally I like the harsh masculine approach, it gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling.

Ofcourse because you are woman. All Woman like man not a wimp or "man kid". 

How in hell he will get gf and he wants to have it but also wants to stay "man kid". 

Those 2 doesn't go hand in hand. 

He needs to face this stuff. 

24 years old it's time. 

Love ya, oh I so love your Journals.