The End Of Seeking

[Raptorsin7]

I've regressed a bit over these past few days, but today i'm going to get to bed really early, i'd say in bed at 9, and then try again tmrw.

I received great advice on this forum once, about how the most important times are right before we go to bed, and right when we wake up. These are two battle grounds i've been losing pretty consistently for the last while. Even on days i manage to meditate for an hour or two i don't really feel that much better. I wonder if my time would be better spent focusing on my energy on what i do right when i wake up, and before i go to bed.

Tonight i'm going to read more of LOC 1000, and do a 30 minute guided inquiry by Mooji before bed.

[Raptorsin7]

Been pretty shitty past few days. 1 step forward, 2 steps back.

But i'm done with victim mentality.

God please open my chakras so I can experience an elevated state of being. Any being out there please help.

[Raptorsin7]

Some major problems with myself that need to be addressed:

I am mentally weak

I am not disciplined

I lack close relationships. Even though i have friend and family, i'm isolated and lonely

I have a terrible diet, and i'm developing type 2 diabetes. I feel numbness and tingling in my feet after i eat high glucose meals.

I want to be better and happy, but i either don't know what to do and/or i lack discipline/will power to change basic habits that are keeping me stuck

Too much phone/internet/computer usage

Lack of structure and routine

No meaning

I have no source of joy or well being in my life.

My personal development is a complete roller coaster/yoyo. One day i'm feeling better and gaining momentum, then i eat wendy's and go to bed late and i lose the progress. 

 

[mandyjw]

@Raptorsin7

"Questioner: My own spiritual experience has its seasons. Sometimes I feel glorious, then again I am down. I am like a lift boy — going up, going down, going up, going down.

Maharaj: All changes in consciousness are due to the ‘I-am-the-body’ idea. Divested of this idea the mind becomes steady. There is pure being, free of experiencing anything in particular. But to realize it you must do what your teacher tells you. Mere listening, even memorizing, is not enough. If you do not struggle hard to apply every word of it in your daily life, don’t complain that you made no progress. All real progress is irreversible. Ups and downs merely show that the teaching has not been taken to heart and translated into action fully."

 

M: When you are infected with the ‘I-am-the-body’ virus, a whole universe springs into being. But when you have had enough of it, you cherish some fanciful ideas about liberation and pursue lines of action totally futile. You concentrate, you meditate, you torture your mind and body, you do all sorts of unnecessary things, but you miss the essential which is the elimination of the person.

Q: In the beginning we may have to pray and meditate for some time before we are ready for self-enquiry.

M: If you believe so, go on. To me, all delay is a waste of time. You can skip all the preparation and go directly for the ultimate search within. Of all the Yogas it is the simplest and the shortest.

[Raptorsin7]

@mandyjw I still feel like a self though. From my pov it seems like I'm looking out from behind the eyes. I understand intellectually what you wrote, but I don't experience it. 

How did you get the shift in pov to occur?

I agree that I'm not giving a full effort, but I dont even know what teaching to do. I've done hours of self inquiry, but at this point it feels like I'm just waiting for a shift to happen.

[mandyjw]

@Raptorsin7 I didn't. I still feel that way and suffer too, and buy into the story that I feel that way and suffer.  Not any real structure or routine except for the first thing in the morning. Binge eating chocolate happens. Ah, good times. Doesn't sheer freedom feel great? When I truly examine the suffering and step out of the way, it goes away too. 

Just one key point, 

RELAX.

There's nothing you can do. Drop the belief that there's something you can do. Or even wait for. Just love the journey, the spiritual "work", the interactions on the forum, interactions with teachers, trips, meditation, the life you lead that doesn't seem to be spiritually centered. Even love your own anxiety and desire. Love the junk food, love the healthy food. Life is a buffet. There's a lot of shit at a buffet you don't want for various reasons. There's a lot that you do want for various reasons. Stop thinking everything in your sight has to look great to you. It's a goddamn buffet. You don't get to control what's offered at the buffet, but you do get to select from it. Just focus on and enjoy what you do want, in this very moment. This moment is the buffet. Love is alive, it's full of a spectrum of emotions, ups and downs, progress and relapses. The only way to feel alive is to stop resisting feeling all of them and all the depths. 

[Raptorsin7]

@mandyjw  Maybe you're right, but where I'm at now what you're saying doesn't resonate. 

I still have some moves to make, like psychiatry/therapy, so I guess i'll exhaust my efforting before reassessing but we will see. 

If I don't see the love in the world, I don't see how seeing just see the love in the world is of any use.

From my pov this the equation of my current suffering. Heat Chakra+ Crown Chakra+ Third Eye= Closed. So whatever the solution is will move me in the direction of opening those chakras. I've yet to get a clear answer from anyone on how to do this, but someone has to know.

[Arcangelo]

Bro get money, that will open you chakras real nice. Are you financially independent?

 

[Raptorsin7]

@Arcangelo  No i'm not. 

What is the relationship between financial independence and chakras? 

I'm not financially in trouble because my family has money, but i'm not free to do anything I want. I want to be financially independent, but my plan was to address my chronic unhappiness and seeking before beginning the next phase of my life, but it's not exactly working out like I hoped.

[Arcangelo]

IDK man I am at stage orange all I care is about getting that dough.

[Raptorsin7]

@Arcangelo Yeah i get it. Idk, i don't think money can solve my problems. I think genuine financial freedom would be an improvement, but when i was in school i had unlimited money and didn't feel the slight shame of just living off my parents as a burn out, but it didn't make me happy at all.

[Raptorsin7]

Had my first session with Ramaji today and received my first RASA transmission.

My initial LOC was 572, and I was told it will take about a year to get LOC 1000. 

I'm going to find out my Ennegram type and experiment with some different meditation types in between sessions. 

He also recommended I go and get a girlfriend which I thought was funny haha, it's something I've been thinking about, but i'm not really in a rush to get into a relationship. I do want to deal with my unhappiness and dissatisfaction with life before I get serious about finding someone to be with but this could change.

I don't want to put all my eggs into this basket. The RASA and coaching will likely be helpful, but I also need to play my part and do what I can to address my issues and make positive changes in my life.

[Raptorsin7]

The past few days i've been feeling pretty depressed again. There's a numbness to my experience, it's hard to describe. It's not like i'm super sad and want to cry, i just kinda feel flat and numb. No motivation. No drive. Life just kinda sucks, and it feels like i'm slowly dying. 

I did like 10 rounds of whim hoff breathing today but i didn't get an emotional release like i'd hoped for. There's an online breath workshop that you have to pay for, i think i'll look into that and hopefully i get something from it.

The meditation is not really working for me at all, i just kind of sit in silence and try to breathe and feel sensations as they arise, and thoughts come and go. I don't know what exactly the goal is, like i had hoped that over time with meditation that i'd feel better in my meditation session like maybe some energy or clarity, and then that state or feeling would carry over into my life. But that's not what's happening. I'm just kinda laying down, closing my eyes, and getting up 20 or 30 minutes later feeling a bit more relaxed, but then i just continue my day and i'm still miserable.

I haven't noticed any improvements from the RASA i think. It could be working subtly but at this point i'm not sure if it's working or not, granted i've only had 1 session so it could take multiple sessions before i notice an improvement. According to the book the 580s is when you enter thought free meditation sessions and significantly reduced mental activity. I'm really hoping this process works for me but right now it's pretty dark and i don't know.

Even as i write this now i have slight tears in my eyes but i can't even bring myself to cry. I feel the tension and pressure in my head like always, and when i try to let go i feel the pressure kind of crack in my head but i have no idea what to make of that experience. Honestly, at this point it's hard to see a light at the end of the tunnel even though i still have hope. I've had roughly 5 months of happiness in the last 4 years, after i overcame my year long depression, and everything else has either been just a numb depression, or a feeling slightly better than depression but hoping to have a break through into happiness. The peak experience i had on LSD was amazing, but idk why they won't happen again to me.

I wonder what life will be like when i die. It's possible that this life will continue to be these ups and downs, with no break through into genuine love and happiness, and if that's the case i can't help but wonder why the hell i'm even here. I know other people have lives much worse than mine, but it really sucks not being happy and being depressed and numb. 

[Raptorsin7]

I want to take some time to write about my dream life. What would my life look like if everything was working for me, i was happy, and i lived a dream heaven like life. This is my dream life, what what it look like, what would it contain.

I would be an open and honest person. I would be as loving as kind as possible to those people around me, and i would attract an incredible relationships with people who i meet. I would be humble, kind, and form strong friendships with people in my life. 

I would be full of energy. I would wake up feeling energized and motivated. I would be in love with life. I would love everyone and everything. Life would be a miracle everyday. Everyday i'd be grateful to be alive, and i would be excited for what the days holds for me. I would feel healthy, strong, motivated, and clarity. 

I would have a clear purpose and a goal i was trying to actively solve in my life. I would be working on something bigger than myself, and working towards a higher goal that i would be proud to be part of. I would have a clear sense of doing good in the world, and i'd be happy and responsible working.

One thing i've realized writing this is i have no idea really what my dream life would look like. Even if i had unlimited power i guess it's not so easy to plan out your dream life that easily. 

Honestly, i don't think it's about having some dream heaven like image of life. I think it's more about how you live your life and the intangible qualities that make up a good life. Like if i woke up feeling inspired, and my life had a dream like quality of spontaneity and adventure then i bet i'd be happy with that. 

I wonder how many other people struggle with similar questions about their lives, finding meaning, finding happiness. I know i'm not the only one, but i'd be curious to see numbers on this. It's hard for me to function, and if the entire world were like me then the world would fall apart quick. There are some strong people in the world to keep it running, that's for sure. 

I wonder when this dark night will pass. I wonder if i'll ever find lasting peace and happiness. At least i have all of this documented. It would be awesome to read this one day when i'm happy and living my dream life.

[Pramit]

Aimer is really awesome. 

 

[Raptorsin7]

@Pramit Yeah i've been loving listening to this kind of music. I don't even know what genre it is haha, to me it's just relaxing Japanese music.

[Raptorsin7]

I will not give up. I'm not going out like this. I will not die a loser. I will figure this out, I will find happiness, i will get more out of life. I will find the dream life i've been seeking for my entire life. 

This will not be the end of me. Mark my words, one day i will solve this. One day i will end the seeking, and finally enjoy and cherish this life.

[Raptorsin7]

Today was a better day. 

A few insights i had about moving forward with my growth:

Spend multiple hours a day in meditation. I have a lot of free time and there's no excuse for not spending 2-3 hours per day in silence meditating

Start drinking kale smoothies, and start consuming more vegetables. I barely eat any vegetables currently and i do feel lethargic and weak, so i think consuming more vegetables throughout the day is an important habit.

Look into retreats in BC. I found a cool website that listed a handful of retreat centers in BC for around 100 dollars per night which is pretty good. I work part time with my dad right now, and if i do a weekend retreat like once a month or once every few months i bet i would grow a lot from that experience.

 

[Raptorsin7]

Here's a list of things i want to accomplish today:

2 Hours of meditation

Walk around the lake

Read the power of now

Play 3 games of league of legends

Do push ups and arm exercises

Look up nootropics for energy to order, and foods for energy.

 

[Raptorsin7]

Feeling better over the past few days. Been doing much more meditation, and i'm going to start doing a Metta/Loving Kindness meditation in addition to any self inquiry, or do nothing practices. I'm striving to do at least 2 hours of meditation per day for the near future.

Still struggling to get a major emotional release. I really want to have a good cry, but for some reason it eludes me. I've tried watching some sad movies but i only get a few tears and nothing major. I've done wim hoff on and off but i've never gotten close to a full release, i think his technique on his app isn't even deep enough. I think the next thing i should try is a legit, paid breath workshop online. 

I'd say one of the biggest problems in my life right now is my mental weakness. I'm not a mentally strong person. When i exercise i give up easily, when it comes to getting out there in the world i feel timid and weak. For example, i've tried running at the track near my house and i end up giving up after a few laps even though i dont get really tired. I wish i could just go out there every morning and run for 3,4,5,10 miles at a time. It would be a major enhancer in the quality of my life, but i'm stuck in a catch 22. I want to be mentally tough, and the way to be mentally tough is to get out there and push and suffer, but i don't feel mentally tough so i don't want to do it and when i do i quit haha. 

I find myself wondering a lot about how there's more to life that i'm missing out on. I know from my dreams. For as long as i can remember i have recollection of dreams that involve what seems to be ME, but involved in a more engaging, interesting, and magical life. For whatever reason these dreams are just better than my normal life and  it bothers me a lot. I've had numerous mornings of waking up and just spending hours trying to remember and re live the past dream. I've had dreams of playing basketball with James Harden, and other interesting and fun stuff. I actually don't know what to make of these dreams, but it's an interesting but sad dynamic. I really wish my waking life was awesome and fun like my dreams. I am thankful that at least my dreams are fun and engaging though, so at least in some part of me it's possible to live an interesting and happy life haha.

I do find myself wondering why the world is as it is. Like i'm not happy, but i live an incredibly privileged life. My parents are stage blue/orange, but they really care about me and they basically work insanely hard and they don't even spend a lot of money. Like my dad works like 10 plus hours a day farming, and here i am just lazy and weak sitting around all day trying to meditate and become enlightened and happy. I don't want to be sitting at home being unemployed without prospects, but considering what's happening in the world with Covid, and all the other fucked shit i've gotta be in the 99th percentile of just blessed lives on earth. But that's a fucking joke, if i'm in the 1% of human quality of life like my life is a fucking joke tbh. But i think i'm in the bottom percentile of like experience of life i bet. Even when you see poor people in Africa etc these kids look really happy, and they're grateful for the small blessings they get. I think many people are happy with their lives, mainly out of ignorance of what's possible and just how much suffering they have. There's also the issue of me projecting my wants and desires onto other people. Like even though i think most people are happier and more satisfied than me, when I look at they lives i wouldn't trade places at all and that's because of my standards as to what a good life is. 

I'm like this journal entry. I don't usually write entries this long, but it feels like my mind is just being laid right onto the page it's pretty sweet. I will probably do more of these long form stream of consciousness posts moving forward. It's relaxing to just type out whatever arises and just kind of go on these tangents.