The End Of Seeking

[Raptorsin7]

I feel a stickiness and pressure in my head. I believe this is a third eye blockage, but i have no idea how to overcome this blockage.

I have so many concepts, so many different teachings in my head. I'm not sure what to pursue at this point.

I think i'm going to start trying a bunch of different stuff to see what sticks. An hour of self inquiry or meditation doesn't do much for me at this point, and i think it's important to start doing more and different things.

Today i'm going to run for a mile, work on duality, read about quantaum mechanics, do some yoga, and eat healthy.

[Raptorsin7]

Still no major progress.

I don't really have anything to report. Life sucks and i'm miserable haha. Apathy.

At least i had a cool dream last night. My dream experience is awesome and always captivating, but the waking state is miserable and depressive.

I am starting to have my doubts about pure spirituality. I spent at least an hour in meditation today but i don't get to a well being place through meditation. 

If i were to die tmrw this really sucked. If today were my last day on earth i don't even know what to say this is just insane. 

What the hell am i doing here. Why is it so hard to get to a good happy place for me. It's past the point of being funny, it's just crazy. 

I asked for guidance from spirits or a higher power in my meditation and on my walk and although i did pick a better feeling though4 t, it was sublte and made virtually no difference.

Feeling depressed and sad, 2 seconds of a thought about a tv show, then back to depression and feeling bad. 

I told my mom today that it'd be great of she and my dad died so i could get the money and not worry about getting a job. It's a terrible thing to say but i don't even care. It didn't even feel bad to say it tbh, and it's honestly how i feel. My life is miserable and sucks, but if my parents were dead at least i'd be financially free and independent, and if i felt worse than i feel now maybe i could cry. 

Wow life sucks, this is fucked. If you read my journal 4 months ago, you would think i'd be the happiest person on earth. I thought i had this figured out. I thought my life was on a different trajectory. I'm back seeking happiness, and just depressed again. Crazy

[Raptorsin7]

Dam i'm just stuck in the mud with this depression. Pretty rough, life sucks and i'm eating super unhealthy so my body is getting fucked.

Pretty sure i'm either typ2 diabetic or at least pre diabetic at this point. If I never figure this out i'm super curious to know why the fuck i'm here. I wonder if anyone has a coherent definition of god at this point besides just absolute love.

God loves me so much it loves my misery and shitty life haha. what a joke.

[Raptorsin7]

On paper my life is perfect. I have family support, family wealth, good genetics, good social skills, and some friends etc. 

But oh man do I not feel anything good. I don't know what misery is because I don't have a basis for comparison, but my life legit sucks.

 

[mandyjw]

@Raptorsin7 If you were writing a fictional book and the main character was you, would you not give yourself any challenges? Would your life be perfect, happy and fulfilling from the first chapter on? Would you want to read that book? Would you want to live that book? 

[Raptorsin7]

@mandyjw  If I were writing a book and I made myself the character i'd be the biggest fucking idiot writer in the world. I do not want to live this book, I could make my life infinitely better in 5 seconds if I were writing.

Guess what the fun of challenges is... It's the experience of challenging yourself and either overcoming or failing, but the purpose is in the doing of the thing. I'm fucking miserable and numb. It would be one thing If I were struggling through this, but I was growing, feeling good, enjoying the process etc. I'm not even getting that out of this, this suffering is literally pointless. There's nothing being gained here it's fucking retarded.

I've already suffered. I've already had the contrast of happiness vs unhappiness, there's literally no point to continue the path i'm on it makes no sense. Happiness is a means in and of itself. Your question is basically, would you really want to be in heaven and actually enjoy and love your life in each moment. The answer is hell fucking yes, wtf kind of question is that. 

I want to experience a life where I actually enjoy and love my life. I want to have a life where my relationships, my work, my day to day life is just fucking amazingly happy. Have you ever seen a movie like LOTR where there's a deep conflict and then peace at the end? The peace and happiness is the point. You could also have peace and happiness without the suffering, there have to be people who have this. Even I've had times in my life where I wasn't enlightened, but it was fucking awesome and I had fun and the experience was enjoyable and engaging.

At least this life is only 100 years max, I don't know what the after life or whatever is like but this life as it stands makes no fucking sense at all, and I can't believe what i'm going through actually exists. It's a complete joke.

[Raphael]

7 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

On paper my life is perfect. I have family support, family wealth, good genetics, good social skills, and some friends etc. 

But oh man do I not feel anything good. I don't know what misery is because I don't have a basis for comparison, but my life legit sucks.

 

What difficulties do you face?

[Raptorsin7]

@Raphael I feel unmotivated, and I just don't enjoy anything in my life. 

I've been stuck with my progress with improvement in my life, and I just can't believe my life is still fucked when I thought I figured it out. 

It's funny because I don't even have difficulties really. I just know life can be incredible, but I see none of that while I'm alive.

[Raphael]

What are you trying to change/improve? What is not working in what you are trying to change?

Edited June 14, 2020 by Raphael

[mandyjw]

4 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

It would be one thing If I were struggling through this, but I was growing, feeling good, enjoying the process etc. I'm not even getting that out of this, this suffering is literally pointless. There's nothing being gained here it's fucking retarded.

There is nothing to gain and no one to gain it. Because you believe that there is a thing you want that you don't have, you only see the void between you and it. Harry Potter didn't overcome Voldemort. He also didn't earn millions of dollars for his fame. He isn't REAL. Is that fucking retarded? Maybe. But also pretty brilliant. You aren't here for yourself. You're a part of the Mind and intelligence of the whole, and unless you stop seeing everything from that specific limited character's point of view, then yes, it all seems fucking retarded. 

Voldemort killed my parents. Booo.  My parents are filthy rich. Booo. 

4 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

I want to experience a life where I actually enjoy and love my life. I want to have a life where my relationships, my work, my day to day life is just fucking amazingly happy. 

Jesus Christ, why would you want that? That sounds boring as fuck. Me, I love drama. I love a good argument, a nice bout of depression. Construction zones and summer traffic. Rainy depressing days. No one appreciates summer without the winter. No one appreciates winter without the summer. This is about "hacking" your beliefs and set points to appreciate everything. If you continue to hold yourself to a standard of what you think happy is, you'll miss it as it is. 

Do you realize how incredibly blessed you are? Do you realize to stumble across this forum, Leo's videos, Nahm and know about enlightenment at this age, how fucking insanely lucky you are? One top of that you have a secure supportive family. I get it, no one wants to be told how lucky they are. I've been there. I'm also insanely ridiculously lucky and still get depressed. Reminding myself how lucky I am only makes me feel worse. But acknowledging that none of that "stuff" really is as important for my happiness as I thought, is incredibly freeing if you can see through to that truth. 

You couldn't fuck this up if you wanted to.

Let me say that again. You couldn't fuck this up if you wanted to. A for effort though. Sit back and just fucking relax already, you're going exactly where your wanting to go already. Stop complaining about the speed of the train, you're not driving. 

Do you realize how incredible God is to let you have all of these things and still give you the freedom to not be happy in the having of them? It's not ever about what you have. Even happiness. Even the state of happiness. It's not ever about that. Let go of the "need" to be happy. Enjoy the poignancy of your depression. As soon as you do, it's gone. Life is so strange like that.

4 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

It's a complete joke.

If it was really a complete joke then you'd be laughing hysterically and blissfully, not complaining that it's not funny enough. 

 

Edited June 14, 2020 by mandyjw

[Raptorsin7]

10 hours ago, Raphael said:

What are you trying to change/improve? What is not working in what you are trying to change?

The entire structure of my life. There's a way to live life that's more effortless, joyful, engaging etc, I've done it before through self help work. I want my life to feel and be a certain way, it's hard to describe exactly what it is. 

I'm pretty sure it comes from learning to change beliefs and accept what is, but there's definitely elements of reality that i'm completely missing and I want to access them again.

I'd also like to make some progress with my meditation and enlightenment work. I've been stuck for like 3 or 4 months now with no growth in that area.

[Raptorsin7]

16 hours ago, mandyjw said:

Jesus Christ, why would you want that? That sounds boring as fuck. Me, I love drama. I love a good argument, a nice bout of depression. Construction zones and summer traffic. Rainy depressing days. No one appreciates summer without the winter. No one appreciates winter without the summer. This is about "hacking" your beliefs and set points to appreciate everything. If you continue to hold yourself to a standard of what you think happy is, you'll miss it as it is. 

You're speaking about contrasting experiences. I have no contrast. My life is just bland. There is no up where life is awesome, and then a temporary down or something. I don't think I've ever been really angry, sad, etc in years i'm completely emotionally suppressed at this point. 

I don't know if you've felt the contrast of being depressed and then making a transition to being happy. I've had it. The happy part is way better lol, and it can exist without the down, the down isn't even necessary it's just something i'm stuck with now.

I agree with your point about hacking your set point to appreciate everything, that's my hope is to just love all of life and just enjoy the ride, but right now that isn't the case.

I know relative to other people i'm really lucky, I'm not really jealous of anyone, I think most people are delusional and don't know how good their lives could be so, they live in that not so blissful ignorance of what's out there. 

I appreciate your effort, but words can only do so much in these situations. I'm going to start getting RASA soon so i'll see if a different teacher and technique can shake me out of this funk, but only time will tell

[Raptorsin7]

Today i'm going to focus on my diet.

I'm not going to drink any thing besides water and tea, and i'm not going to do my typical late night junk food binge. I'm going to just focus on 1 thing at a time, so diet is the main focus.

I also have week 2 of the master class on energy work called duality. The first week was an okay intro, they gave us a grounding technique about really feeling the presence behind the eyes, I didn't get much out of it tbh. Apparently there's parts of the course about connecting with intuiton, spirit guides, and cleaning the chakras which sounds more in line with where i'm at. I have an energy blockage in the third eye, and my heart chakra is closed so hopefully I get some good techniques that help with that.

[mandyjw]

@Raptorsin7 Good luck.  I had a rough time off and on following awakening, I know the feeling of wanting so bad to get "back" there. 

[Raptorsin7]

@mandyjw Thanks.

Yeah it kinda sucks but I got nothing else going so I'm sticking it out. A nice thing about being at a low like this I'd the fact I'm open for big change now.

Dont be surprised if I start posting in a few weeks about a major break through.

[Raphael]

 

 

 

 

 

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On 6/15/2020 at 1:19 AM, Raptorsin7 said:

There's a way to live life that's more effortless, joyful, engaging etc, I've done it before through self help work. I want my life to feel and be a certain way, it's hard to describe exactly what it is.

I think I understand what you mean because I'm currently experiencing this. It seems like to me that you are experiencing a temporary blockage/phase. You will go through it and go over it naturally.

Much love ♥

[Raptorsin7]

I gotta stop playing the victim here. I do not like the path I'm going down, this is getting ridiculous. 

I don't know how long it will take, but each day is a new day and I want to change for the better. 

I think the first thing to deal with is the main addictions and bad habits. Eating junk food, constant phone use, porn use, not exercising. 

I want to say I got this etc. But I'm worried I'm just going to fail again and then keep repeating this cycle. 

1 day at a time. Today was a bad day, but tmrw a new day. 

sugar is poison. I bet my diet is my biggest limiter now. I'm likely type 2 diabetic atm, but I know I can discipline myself and change my diet to be healthier.

Please god, or any being listening, please help me get healthier and show me the light.

No more complaining and being a victim. There are no excuses for this mysery, I can rise above this.

 

[Raptorsin7]

I did a kundalini meditation last night and I actually noticed some major energetic changes.

I felt sort of waves of energy come and go. 

I want to do more kundalini meditation, and kundalini yoga or kriya yoga 

[Raptorsin7]

Feeling better today after a few days of working on the farm.

I believe that constant phone use, porn use, weed, junk food, and not taking responsibility and initiative have been hurting me over the past few months. These past 2 days i've been much better in these areas and i feel better already. 

There is a yo-yo to my personal development and i'm not sure how to address this. One moment i'm on the path, making progress expecting a breakthrough, the next moment i'm eating wendy's everyday and complaining about how much my life sucks. I don't want to be a loser, and i want to be happy.

I've made an appointment with Ramaji for next monday, but i am concerned that he won't be willing to give me RASA because i've done psychedelics recently. If he isn't willing to work with me it's not the end of the world, i will just have to pursue the path on my own for the time being then. I'll likely seek out a psychiatrist and a psychologist if things with Ramaji don't work out. I do really hope he will work with me so i can finally end the seeking stage of my life, but i've broken through to happiness on my own before, and if need be i will do it again.

 

[Raptorsin7]

Sweet, Ramaji agreed to work with me despite the psychedelic use. I am really enjoying his book, and i expect to make some major progress working with him. 

I've done a mooji guided inquiry over the past few days and i think that will be my go to meditation for the next few weeks. 

The past few days i've felt more growth, and less like a depressed victim. The keys to this imo are less phone usage, better diet, meditation, and just a will to change and a desire to not go down like a loser. 

From now until i work with Ramaji i don't want to smoke any weed either, these 2 weeks could be a nice reset for me as i get some progress back and get out of this rut.