The End Of Seeking

[Raptorsin7]

I'm working on being a pro when it comes to executing my life purpose.

I'm currently climbing rank in league of legends and i'm making some good progress, but still no genuine flow and joy in the game. I'm improving and the game is starting to become very clear, but i guess i'm doing something wrong because there's no flow and joy in playing.

Feeling pretty stuck with respect to my growth. I'm making some progress, like i'm doing practices, i just started doing concentration practice everyday, but no break throughs into the god tier feeling like i got with the LSD.

I want to start doing trips again, i haven't done one in a few months now. Not sure when i will do it but, i still have a lot of LSD left which is good.  

[Raptorsin7]

I wonder what is preventing me from breaking through. On the LSD I felt a break through, so I know it's real, and it was the most amazing experience of my life, at least as far as I remember. I assumed everything would be different after that, and although in many ways my life is different, I haven't been able to get back to that state of being.

I felt good, amazing even. I want to feel good and amazing all the time, but most of the time i'm just numb. Maybe I need a dopamine detox? Maybe I need to exercise more? Idk.

[Raptorsin7]

I'm talking to a girl on Hinge and it's making me think a lot about relationships. This girl is very attractive, but I wouldn't consider her very sexy. Like she's smart, conscious, and very conventionally attractive and I can really see myself in a relationship with her but i'm afraid i'll get bored of her, or i'll just want someone more sexually attractive. 

It's an interesting problem, but it's largely self created misery here. This girl is really quite impressive, and I really want to pursue this.

Either way I can. If I end up in a happy relationship in love then it'll be amazing. If I find I don't like her then i'll know in the future that I am attracted to different things. If she rejects me then i'll be humbled haha. It's all good. I can't lose here.

[Raptorsin7]

I feel so stuck in my growth recently.

Not sure where to start, but I think two major areas that need work for me are my diet and my sleeping schedule. 

I want to eat a very clean diet, free from foods that spike my insulin and mess with my blood sugar. I think cutting out bread would have an incredible benefit.

I want to go bed very early and wake up very early. I'm thinking of going to bed at 9 am and waking up at 6 am every day. Just this change I expect to be a major shift in my life. 

The key here is discipline. I think starting with a few things to focus on each day is important. Like today i'm going to focus on my diet and going to bed at 9 am. As long as these 2 things are done i'm happy.

 

 

[allislove]

I think cutting out bread would have an incredible benefit.

For sure, I stopped eating bread products around month ago. I already see the benefits - lost a little of weight, muscles appeared ?, feel myself very healthy. 

Also, I think, mountain bike helped a lot with muscles ?

[zeroISinfinity]

@dimitri I always say this forum my type of peeps. I drive bike to go to work. 

 

[allislove]

@zeroISinfinity exactly ?

My only wish is to have more hot witch girls here. Nahm is no go for that. And suddenly he is a man ?

[Nahm]

5 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

Wtf do I do. 

Take a minute to acknowledge you’ve experienced some major awakenings as of late, in regards to being you, which is what it’s all about. Be very careful how you frame things up, and be very careful believing narratives that don’t feel good. 

Let go of the ‘crown chakra’ narrative. Address the tension in your head by seeing through beliefs you’ve been holding about yourself for a long time, letting the love you are express more fully. Look at meditation as if you’ve never started, and start properly. This will work. 

Utilize every resource available to you. 

Stop posting while high, and let go of the paradigm that lsd is supposed to ‘fix’ anything. Nothing’s wrong to begin with, that is what your trips tell you, and you have ample resources to do whatever you want with this life. If there’s a ‘problem’ that is what you’re creating. Get off the roller coaster of ‘something’s wrong with me or life or reality’ and ‘lsd will fix it’. This is a recipe for a rough life, and bad trips. Imo, you should think of a trip much more as a reward for yourself, for your transcending of paradigms and paradoxes, for your implementation of proper foundation, for having done the inspection work, for generally kicking ass in life......not a “solution to a problem”.  If you believe you are the problem, this won’t agree with the trip, no more than it will be agreeable with your heart or mind. 

What you’re holding onto, beliefs, which you’re not looking at, is showing up on the trips. It’s also showing up as resistant thoughts on your path. It’s showing up as resistance in regard to that which you want coming. That’s a backwards and rough way to go about this. We make up fear, or not. Each of us. The answer to this is owing yourself, and seeing about what one fears.

I’ve suggested only what I’m saying here, since day one. When you’ve done this, implemented clean diet consistently, daily proper meditation consistently, letting thoughts in discord with feeling go,  zooming out (float tanks etc), and scrutinized reactionary thinking instead of directing anger and blame towards others & justifying it - you do great, and feel great. (Look at your previous posts. See the patterns.) But then, thoughts of old paradigm & self doubt arise for lack of inspection and transcendence, and you focus on those thoughts, which do not even feel good, to you. Nobody’s making you do so. The simple option is not to. 

Stop being so hard & critical with yourself, and love yourself. Stop believing everything is not good enough for you. Express appreciation & gratitude for your parents who work incredibly hard for you. Receive their unconditional love, inspect anger, understand ignorance.  Stop believing happiness is an object to acquire in a future. Stop holding onto thoughts that don’t feel good to you and start letting them go humbly, willingly, and readily, simply because it doesn’t feel good to hold them - because this reality, THIS right now - is literally made of love & happiness. Focusing on thoughts that don’t feel good to you and complaining about your “levels” of happiness & consciousness is like puffing clouds into the sky, while complaining it’s not clear enough for you. 

Stop being stubborn about something as simple as watching Hoosiers, and start appreciating the importance of fundamentals & a disciplined schedule with regard to diet, meditation & techniques. Be aware of deflection & projection, and inspect your beliefs about yourself & the reality you’re creating. Things like clean diet, meditation, the float tank, etc, work well for you. Things like blaming other people don’t work well for you. 

If you really are aligned with it, if it’s helpful for you, continue posting about me, insinuating. Sincerely, really. I don’t mind, if it helps you. Me & the lsd will only continue loving you, and wanting the best for you.  If you think another person would be better for you, try and see. In all fairness, at least consider, when we’ve met each week, it does help you see through the beliefs, it does help you be yourself, love yourself. However, when the desired experience, purification, occurs - you don’t show up for calls, and then you reduce the consistency of them, and then you subtly suggest someone else could do a better job for you.  First, at east try doing what I’ve been telling you the whole time. Relatively speaking, I’ve made millions of dollars, created multiple successful business from nothing, genuine loving relationships in business, self realized, and created a joyful loving family that dreams and creates together. I know what works and what doesn’t. At the end of the day, the sheer beauty of all of this, is that’s it’s always up to you. I only wish you the very best, and the highest joy. 

[Raptorsin7]

@Nahm Thanks for that.

I know I'm insinuating that its your fault I'm stuck, but I also know that it's really up to me and I could have 20 life coaches who dont work out and the only common demonitator would be.

I dont really know what else to say, but I'll keep trying until I figure this out. 

[Raptorsin7]

Getting back to the basics. I'm going tot focus my energy on getting back on track with fundamentals, and put the ga me on hold for the time being.

Today here's what i accomplished:

I started a jogging program where i will end up running 30 minutes continuously. This means a lot to me as i've been struggling with learning to run distance for a while now.e

I did an hour meditation in the morning. Then i did a 40 minute guided breathing meditation laying on the ground which i really enjoyed and got pretty relaxed from. I'm going to diversy my meditation techniques and pay attention to techniques or guided meditations that i notice clear results.

I went shopping with my mom to an indian restaurant. This one is subtle, but it was nice to get out of the house and just be in the world with my mom.

I cleaned the windows outside my house for an hour or so today which was pretty good work for me.

I did 30 push ups in one go a few different times which is solid because before i could usually do 20 before my arms burned out.

I didn't play the game at all or watch content related to the game. This is important for me. I think i got lost in my life purpose idea by putting too much into getting world class at the game, when really the game is simply a marketing tool for the content i'm going to write. I will re-evaluate my play style in the game in the future, but for now because i really wasn't having fun playing the game recently i think it's a great time to take a break and just focus on getting grounded with practices and improving as a person.

Today was a good day.

[Raptorsin7]

I just went on a date with a girl i met on hinged. It went really well. She has an awesome personality, and is very pretty.

I was having neurotic thoughts about how she is a lot shorter than me, but is such an awesome girl i'm just going to let this pass and acknowledge it as a thought which doesn't feel good and isn't worth my attention.

I'm very excited to spend time with this girl, i think she really liked me to. 

[Raptorsin7]

I'm going to change course with my life purpose a bit. The last few months i've made very little progress with the game and my LP, but i think i see the problem.

I want to focus on developing content, and writing material that is of benefit to other people, then i'll worry about playing the game for marketing purposes. I also realized that just by playing the game a bit, i will have my pulse on the gaming community which will aid me when i write.

I actually don't need to be challenger right away, or at all, for my idea to take off. 

I'm excited to start writing and start thinking how i can really get creative in helping people. I think this will be a wise move.

Selfless vs selfish intent will likely lead to very different results in my life. 

The next step is to think about what content to write. I think once i understand what people are searching for and where the interests lie in the gaming community, i can work quickly to start developing content around those niches.

[Raptorsin7]

I did 10 rounds of wim hoff breathing today and i felt some pretty good sensations in my head. 

I really want to fucking cry, but i don't know how to do it.

The past few days i've relapsed on my diet, and i feel slow and lethargic.

I'm going to do a dopamine detox tomorrow and see how i feel.

[Raptorsin7]

http://baldattraction.com/secret-formula-for-bald-mans-attractive-life/

[Raptorsin7]

Doing 1 hour of guided inquiry with mooji is pretty effective for me.

The ego backlash is pretty rough. A few months ago i felt on top of the world and felt as though i was on the verge of a huge break through. But i'm still stuck and i can't relieve the tension in my head through my spiritual practices. Now i'm just kinda stuck in limbo.

The girl i'm talking to hasn't responded to my text in 2 days too lol. Our first date was pretty great i thought, and she agreed to a second date but then she just went ghost on my over text. 

Part of me would be relieved if she just said i don't think it's going to work out, i don't know if this is a self sabotaging part of myself or what. 

Pretty sure life is better than what i'm currently experiencing. These lows really suck. It's not even that it sucks that much, it's just that i know life can be so much better than this so i'm just sitting here waiting for things to get better, but i guess they won't get better until i make major changes. But then Nahm sais there's no problem so i don't know.

My mind is fucked. Thinking is ntot on my side and i'm just not in a good place. 

There's literally no point to any of this. Like if i'm the eternal absolute being. Then this game will go on forever, but the current iteration of the being just fucking sucks. So what is the fucking point of doing this to myself. Why not set up a situation where life got continuously better? Idk

 

[mandyjw]

27 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

Why not set up a situation where life got continuously better? Idk

 

It does, it just looks more like the stock market history, continually goes but with lots of dramatic crashes. 

We're always gonna get sad, always gonna get mad, there's no reason not to own up to being human once in a while (even though we know it's not absolutely true). Where is the suffering, in the sadness itself or in the thought that I shouldn't be sad right now? 

[Raptorsin7]

@mandyjw  The suffering Is always in thought. But I just want more out of life. Sadness is not a big deal when compared against happiness, joy, thriving. But I have none of that. I'm just stuck. 

No progress, no just failure.

My life is ups and downs, but the downs are so much longer then the ups, and the ups never last.

I want more out of myself, but I don't know how to get it.

[Raptorsin7]

I'm going to plan my day in advance today:

Coffee

Shower/Shave/Washroom

Guided Meditation Mooji 1 Hr

Warm up aim booster/ 3 games of league of legends

Wash windows

Break go for a long walk/run(maybe run i'll see how my stomach feels)

Whim hoff breathing 5 rounds

Watch all 3 replays and take notes on mistakes- look for trends

Shadow work journal

Look up popular websites related to league of legends, and gaming improvement

Read LOC 1000 and Transurfing reality

Bed before 10 pm

Additional: No junk food or binge eating, I've been struggling with this one lately. Take action on each item on the list, don't fall into the trap of procrastination.

Edited June 3, 2020 by Raptorsin7

[Raptorsin7]

I got a few things off my list accomplished, so not bad.

I had a great day of games today. I played well in every game, and the only game I lost I was playing well but I actively made huge late game mistakes that cost us the game. But I feel much more impactful and engaged in the games now.

My record today was 4-1, and i'm only 1 win from my gold 1 promos.

[Raptorsin7]

I started a course on mind valley called Duality. It's about energy healing so i'm hoping to make some improvements in my life through the course.

It's an 8 week course so this will last until the end of summer. I'm really hoping to transition out of this depression phase of my life by then. I really just want life to be awesome and amazing, like i've had in the past.