The End Of Seeking

[Raptorsin7]

Jhana practice from the mind illuminated. I'm going to look for specific types of meditation to cultivate bliss, joy, ectasy, etc. All the pleasant feels i've been craving.

There is resistance in the way. Resistant thinking. But simply be pressent of who you really are, hint it's not the guy in the thoughts. And then act.

[Raptorsin7]

Challenger ADC

Playing league of legends is effortless

Joy, love, bliss, freedom, creativity, playing league of legends

Pushing the limits in every game.

[Nahm]

10 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

Challenger ADC

Playing league of legends is effortless

Joy, love, bliss, freedom, creativity, playing league of legends

Pushing the limits in every game.

 

 

Thought you might like this...regarding self inquiry / inspection work.

 

[Raptorsin7]

I try my absolute best in every league i play

I try my best to win, no matter what is happening

I do not flame my teammates, i take 100% responsibility for everything that goes wrong in the game. I take full responsibility for whatever happens in league of legends.

I take full responsibility for how I feel

I am responsible for everything that happens in my life

I own all of it

Everything is my fault, and that's totally okay. Becuae if you don't take full responsiblity then there are parts of your life that you can't control, so if something bad is happening and you dont own it, then how can you change it? Exactly, you can't. So take full ownership for everything. Own it. 

Feel bad because your soraka inted? Well OWN IT BITCH. Why were they high enough hp to killl your raka? Why didn't you support her? Why did you die? Why weren't you pinging her? There's so much to own. So own it. It feels good to take responsibility. 

I take full responsiblity for everything. So now the question is what can i do? The answer is nothing. I am just a thought. So there's nothing to do, and no one to do it. Now go do it.

 

[Raptorsin7]

I forgot what I was going to put in the journal. 

What do i want?

I want to be challenger in league.

Ok so what's the next step in the path to challenger.

The next step is to climb in league

Climbing in league involves playing the game, and learning from my mistakes. I think an important growth factor will be watching replays of losses as much you can. It doesn't have to be every game. Don't be so rigid. Be flexible. 

[Raptorsin7]

Being honest with people is difficult. I just told a friend that I don't want to play duo q with him. I get tilted playing with my friends because i expect a lot out of them and its suffocating to both me and him. 

Expectations. These are part of my identity. I expect great things. But do? Is the issue with the expectation, or is the issue that i don't expect it enough. It feels better to expect more. 

I want to try using the dream board with each individual game. This is an interesting project. I will write down the focus of each solo q game before i play it. So if i want to improve csing, map awareness, team fight positioning, tracking cooldowns etc, then i can put it on the board. 

How about 3 things, that number came to me. I will write 3 things on the board that I believe are most important to my success in the coming game.

Write down the 3 things that you think are MOST important to winning the game. If you execute well on these 3 things you will win the game, and make that your focus.

[Raptorsin7]

3 things i'm grateful for.

• I have free time before my final exams to work on feeling better. My exams are in about 3 weeks, and i need to start studying soon to be prepared. I'm only going for average marks so it shouldn't be too hard, but still. Having this time now is nice. I'm not worried about the exams, and i'm free to work on feeling good and playing league.
• I am grateful for the path to enlightenment. The path has gave me a clear way to improve my life and feel better. That's  all i've ever wanted in my entire life was to feel better and improve my life. The path has made these goals real for me. I know through acceptance, surrender, love, compassoin, understanding, awareness, that i can feel good. I have faith that if i continue on the path i will feel better and better, and my life will be dream/heaven like. I have faith. I believe. I am also grateful that faith comes naturally to me. I don't have to lie to myself, i actually have faith that my life is only going to get better and better and that this is simply the base of the mountain for how good my life can get. 
• I am grateful for legue of legends. I can't believe i'm going to make millions of dollars just playing this online game. I've always loved and been talented at games since i was a little kid. Now i get to actualize this potential and make millions of dollars from it. Wow what a life, am i right. This game is changing my life for the better, and it provides me with an opportunity to give back to the world. I can teach non-duality through my website, and i can raise money for charity through boosting and charity streams and tournaments. Wow. Incredible. So much good can come of this, so much good is coming of tihs as we speak. It's already coming. I'm in the process, in the unfolding as we speak. It is really about surrendering and accepting, because what i want is already coming.

[Raptorsin7]

Okay I can get a good effect with these drugs if i take them as often as possible honestly. 

The main thing holding me back has got to be the fears of being a drug addict. The stigma around arounds is strong, I think it makes me an inferior person for being on drugs. Which is somewhat true. It's a partial truth to say that you are inferior for wanting to be on drugs, its true to say that I have a lot of fucked of beliefs from factors that I cannot control and I need a way to make sense of it.

Honesty is so important. Radical honesty. Until it would be a radical move not be honest. Life flipped inside out. Full on embrace of bizzaro land. I think this is true of me. I've always feared sickness because i didn't want to die because death=bad. But i am sick. I need help. If it's not obvious yet its obvious now. I am in recovery. I need to heal from life.

This is my life now. Healing myself, and finding a way to heal people is where its at. It's all i care about. Its all i care about anyways.

[Raptorsin7]

It's okay to cry. Crying is good. Theres nothing to be ashamed of when crying. 

[zeroISinfinity]

Yeah it is. 

Want good story. 

Ok here it is. Rural areas of my country whole balkan in general not different. 

Male kids were disouraged to cry in past. So they even didn't know that was a possibility or is considered to be ok when they became adults. 

Man are not supposed to cry "you will be soldier one day". Everyone served army and it was highly important to serve it. Why? 

If you didn't served it you were considered weak man or man that is deficient in some way, because army refuses such. 

You had to get wife from next village or somewhere else and if you didn't served army brides father will reject marriage + all kind of stories will go about you. 

Why I wasn't born in SF best place on whole planet. Next to Austin, TX. 

Ok to prevent Jed for bitchslapping me. Ok I admit I was never really born and I didn't came from my mother's vagina. Fuck Awakening. Messy stuff. 

I know that he hates stories about past others etc too lol. Punchbag time. ?☺️

Oh no he will bring heavy guns. Rumi guy pls God no. 

Edited March 19, 2020 by zeroISinfinity

[Raptorsin7]

@zeroISinfinity I have a hard time crying. I want to cry all day but I don't know how to bring out the tears.

The path is rough man. I was having suicidal thoughts on Lsd recently, I'm really hoping I can be done with all this non duality stuff soon 

Edited March 19, 2020 by Raptorsin7

[Alex bAlex]

18 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

The main thing holding me back has got to be the fears of being a drug addict. The stigma around arounds is strong, I think it makes me an inferior person for being on drugs.

Doing psychedelics will not make you a drug addict, eventually you will become afraid to do more psychedelics for a while(especially if you felt suicidal). And relating to other drugs/addiction, don't beat yourself up. We fantasies about this perfect being, which has no black spots to be pointed out to and this can lead to a downward spiral. Instead just watch the craving arising and even go for it but keep the awareness of your action.  Every time you get into a craving keep the awareness, and later on dwell on the result and the pain (most common) of your action.  Remind yourself how better could all that time be used....

 

The path is rough man. I was having suicidal thoughts on Lsd recently, I'm really hoping I can be done with all this non duality stuff soon 

Rewatch Leo's video titled The dark side of meditation. 

I know how scary could be the suicidal thoughts on LDS. I almost called 911. It was a very strange battle to survive or die. But I couldn't have an ego death on LSD no matter the amount intake. Anyway, I digress. 

Keep calm and carry on. See what you can learn from this trip and prepare better for the next ( maybe the set or settings was wrong or maybe replying to my emotional baggage triggered your bad trip- if the latter then don't go in the forum for a week prior tripping). Plan your trip for at least one week ( I know it's tough and in one week your mind will go nuts fantasising or worrying).

  Those suicidal thoughts are more a way to tell us that a part of us is dying and a change will arise. Having an exercise, gym routine helps a lot. Even pour it all down here can help tremendously. 

Hope this helps. ??✌️

 

Edited March 19, 2020 by Alex bAlex

[Raptorsin7]

@Alex bAlex Thanks a lot man that really helped.

[Raptorsin7]

Am I ready to teach enlightenment? I honestly don't feel I am. I feel like I'm deep on the path. I've had the god realization on LSD, I know reality is all good and I know I created it for the purpose of enjoyment and experience. But there's still parts of reality that don't make sense. What kind of life coach would I be haha, whenever someone asks me something I say idk. Because it's true there's so much I don't know yet. I'm still learning.

Even if i'm not ready to do calls yet and coach people 1-1, I do think a blog about my life experiences and experience with gaming could be incredibly valuable and useful to people. Just being honest, explaining my history with depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, etc could be of great benefit to people. There just aren't that many people who speak honestly and candidly about themselves and how they view the world. 

@Nahm do you think i'm ready to teach? I don't think I am. but my website is about helping people but I still feel flawed as a person. I believe i'm not ready to teach enlightenment, but at the same time I think it's the most important thing in the world and I want my life to be about teaching and helping people.

Perhaps just sharing my perspective will be enough to begin with. Just being honest may be enough idk. But I think it's important to just start. Put myself out there. Start releasing content and get the website going. Stand for something.

[Nahm]

@Raptorsin7 That’s a tricky question of course. The only honest answer, though not satisfying to hear, is it’s unequivocally known when one should. So if there’s any question, contemplate / look into that question. 

[Raptorsin7]

@Nahm That's my insight too. I'm not ready yet, but I'm close.

I'll stick with more basic self help and writing my story on the path first. Then when in ready ill transition my content.

[Raptorsin7]

Back home in Vancouver. Feels good to be home. I am learning to be happy with my parents, and the key for me is to just be myself and be honest. I'm not hiding who I am, and if they aren't happy with it then so be it. 

I was always a spoiled brat anyway and my parents dealt with me. Now i'm a spoiled brat, but all I want is happiness and enlightenment lol. Lot's of panic over the virus, my grandma is in her 70s and I bet she is scared. Shes a bit psycho so maybe she can cope well, but this is god's will so we will see what happens. 

Self acceptance. Acceptance of who and what I am, no matter what or who I am is the next step on the path. Murdering and raping, I accept you. Spoiled brat who has everything handed to him and still finds a way to be unhappy, I still accept you. However I am, whoever I am, whatever I am, is completely and totally okay. Full acceptance. 

The suffering of trying to BE something other than what is, is a huge problem. But the problem is created by resistance to what IS. What is, is. And that is pure bliss and love. 

[Raptorsin7]

First night back at my parents house, just went for a long walk.

Feel pretty amazing lol. This is great, it's like a peaceful happiness.

@Nahm what you think? Is it the time spent confronting my parents after my traumatic childhood? The past 2 months I was alone in my apartment at school, but first night back I feel way better.

[Nahm]

@Raptorsin7 Feeling’s never wrong. ??

[zeroISinfinity]

@Nahm True but feelings will make us wimps. ?

Or maybe not it's sensational guidance. 

This can't be thisepic I will lose my mind lol. 

Edited March 22, 2020 by zeroISinfinity