The End Of Seeking

[Raptorsin7]

I feel dissconnected now. I'm off the drugs, but i still feel the after glow of LSD.

Overall great trip. Battled insanity, threw up, played my game. But i still have lots of work to do. 

The walls of the ego have come back up for me, i no longer feel a deep connection to my core. I was close to a total break through to infinity, but there still was subtle fear holding me back. Fear of the unknown, infinity seemed to much for me. 

Existence is completely irrational. Life makes no fucking sense. I don't understand the point of this. It just doesn't make sense. 

[Raptorsin7]

Feeling stuck. Not connected to my core. On the LSD I felt alive, I felt powerful, and more human. Now i feel cold and numb.

Am i a drug adduct? What am i now?

I am a happiness addict that's for sure. And i'm a wellness addict. I just suck at wellness.

Fkkkk.

I want to feel good.

I think getting this toxicity out of me is important. The game is a good channel. It allows me to just be me. The game is my outlet, it is my love.

[Raptorsin7]

I am envious of people who never have to go on the path. People with good families and good role models would never need to seek god, because they would never have lost their divine connection from childhood. If only my parents had done a better job. But at the same time i can't control that it's in the past so there is no point in worrying about.

Negative thinking makes no sense. Yet i continue to do it. I'm uterlly insane. I'm a mad man.

I am crazy.

I am nuts.

I am a monster

I am pathetic

i am disgusting

[Raptorsin7]

How to deal with repression. Repressed feelings, repressed thoughts, repressed being.

My family repressed me. We are stage blue conservative indians. They think the path to good is being strict and psycho. It resulted in me being rigid and colid. A well bread psycho path.

How do i overcome this. Well i'm in the process of overcoming it right now haha. Even just writing in my journal is part of me over coming.

It feels good to know i'm on the path.

There is no path. And yet only a fool doesn't walk it. I heard this quote a while back and its true. The path to enlightenment is a hard an ardous journey. It will test you, it will require everything, sacrafice of everything.

On my last trip i wondered why am i still here. It make no sense. If i was god, wouldn't I just find a way to feel blessed and amazing all the time. Why have all the pretense? Ami not god, or is there something i'm missing?. Also i felt like there were moments where i'd never come back, I felt like i was opening the doors to oblivion and it would be my end. Never to return to this dimension. Idk if i'm ready to leave, i mean i just want to be happy thats what matters. I understand all that my parents did for me, but i don't feel strongly attached to them. If i have to leave them then so be it, if god wills it i will answer.

 

[Raptorsin7]

Who am i?

What is typing this right now?

YOU

I got distracted

But who is the I?

WHO AM I

Hey, you.

Hey the guy typing this

Hey

Hey

YOU

myself

Okay i'm writing out my thoughts. I'm doing the inspection work. But who is the I am doing this work.

All of the references to the I, are just thought. I am is a thought. 

This appears to a case of mistaken identity. There is no I am. There is just THIS. 

I can feel my head. THAT Sentence makes no sense. There is no I feeling. There is no my head. There is just feeling, and there is just feeling of a head. 

But why doesn't that make sense? 

But what's the problem with this self referntial thinking? Why is it bad that I say I feel the sensation in my head.

I feel. I think the issue is the I thuoght cannot feel. That's not his role. So when i say I feel, it makes no sense. Because the I thought cannot feel. So the absurdity of it doesn't feel good. 

@Nahm is the right track of dealing with self referntial thinking and the ego?

How do I kill the ego once and for all. I felt a deep connection myself on the LSD that i haven't felt before. It felt like i was naked and vulnerable. BUt off the drugs i feel stuck in molases and like i'm seperated.

[Nahm]

2 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

How do I kill the ego once and for all.

Inspect that thought. 

2 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

I felt a deep connection myself on the LSD that i haven't felt before. It felt like i was naked and vulnerable. BUt off the drugs i feel stuck in molases and like i'm seperated.

Inspect that thought. 

FIlterout past, future, and duality in nouns / pronouns.

[Raptorsin7]

@Nahm What is duality?

[Raptorsin7]

@Nahm Also. during my trip i was really questioning my own existence. It doesn't make sense. I don't know why I'm here.

If i were really god why would i put myself through this. It doesn't make sense. Infinitne intellgience, inifninte creative ability, why wouldn't I make it easier to just feel good and connected. Why would i veil myself from myself, this shit makes no sense to me.

I felt a few moments during the trip where i felt like I was going to be gone forever. Whatever path i was going down was the end, and i wouldn't exist anymore. It was really clear when i got stuck on a paradox. It felt like the purpose of this whole life was to just wake up from the dream, but then i was afraid because it was basically suicide and that would be the end of the dream. Like i don't want to die. But should i want to die? Like maybe suicide is good, i have no idea. I always prided myself on not being suicidal, but maybe that's a mistake?

[Nahm]

14 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

@Nahm What is duality?

In that context, I meant two or more nouns. Go back to what you wrote and make all nouns bold. Then read it again. Slowly. 

5 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

@Nahm Also. during my trip i was really questioning my own existence. It doesn't make sense. I don't know why I'm here.

If i were really god why would i put myself through this. It doesn't make sense. Infinitne intellgience, inifninte creative ability, why wouldn't I make it easier to just feel good and connected. Why would i veil myself from myself, this shit makes no sense to me.

You’re right it doesn’t make sense now do that thing with the past, future, and nouns. 

5 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

I felt a few moments during the trip where i felt like I was going to be gone forever. Whatever path i was going down was the end, and i wouldn't exist anymore. It was really clear when i got stuck on a paradox. It felt like the purpose of this whole life was to just wake up from the dream, but then i was afraid because it was basically suicide and that would be the end of the dream. Like i don't want to die. But should i want to die? Like maybe suicide is good, i have no idea. 

How would you even know if you were gone, let alone gone forever? If you’re knowing you’re gone, you’re knowing. If you’re knowing of ‘gone forever’ you’re eternal. 

If you’re questioning nonexistence, you’re existence.

If you’re stuck on a paradox, you’re infinite.

If the dream ended and you died - you’re awareness, you’re the dreamer. 

If the thought of harming yourself didn’t feel good, you’re love.

If you’re believing in death, you’re the magician.

22 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

I always prided myself on not being suicidal, but maybe that's a mistake?

For God’s sake, set the bar a little higher.

 

 

[Raptorsin7]

Okay time to inspect the thoughts with respect to PAST, FUTURE, AND NOUN/PRONOUN(self referential words).

I am sitting here in my couch. 

I= is referencing the human sitting on the couch. But Is the I a human. What are you really meaning to reference. I want to say there is an experience of a human being sitting on a couch. This experience doesn't really feel that good. So let's choose a different experience.

The human will shower, throw out the trash, and then buy coffee. This makes more sense. The thinking is to direct the human.

Okay i will execute this plan. But wait. I=?

The I that will supposedly execute is just a thought. It's the thought of I. I can't execute anything. I have 0 power. I am just a thought. What the fuck can a thought do. 

Ok the human will do 20 push ups before executing the above plan.

[Raptorsin7]

Procrastination. Rumination. Excessive thinking.

[Raptorsin7]

What do I belive?

• I am a person. That's not true. I am is not a person. I am is a fucking thought. 
• I am is not real
• I am not real
• I am is a thought
• I am a thought

[Raptorsin7]

The human is stuck sitting here just thinking and procrasting now. But now the human is listening to Leo's talk.

The human will listen to Leo and watch some league of legends. Then the human will smoke some weed and play the game.

[Raptorsin7]

What's next?

• Smoke weed
• Do some push ups and yoga
• Play normals on league of legends and be create and do the best I can
• Order food after.

[Raptorsin7]

I want to move up the emotional scale.

How do i feel now?

How is this fking idiot challenger. Fking retard. Doesn't make fking sense, what a fking clo wn. Fking idiot, toxic fuck. What a fking clwon. I would fking stab this kid in the neck. I would love to fking torture this fking clown. I would love a fking reason. Give me a fking reason bitch. Fking goof, fgt. Fking bitch pussy, i would fuck this clwon up. I would fking love it. GIve me a fking knife, i'll cut his fucking finger off.

Fuck this shit. Fuck everyone. Fucking mother fuclers. Fucking iidot humans. I fking wish we were in the olden times, so these fking retards would just get fking slaughtered in the streets. Fucking clowns. 

Does this stuff even work. Like, does the emotional scale even do anything? Like i've never gotten to joy and love. Like i use the scale, like Nahm tells me, and it doensn't fking all the time. Like wtf. This is fucking not fair. Like why me, why does shit happen to me. Why does everyone else to get be happy, and i cant be happy. Wtf. This isn't fair. This is not fair. 

Its all my parents fault. Its also Nahm's fault, fucking idiot life coach can't fking enlightenment me. FUCKING idiots on this fourm, are enlightened and can't even help me.Fucking trash can enlighteneted people. Fucking idiots. When i'm enlightened i'll fucking help everyone. But these idiots can't help me wtf. I blame them. I blame everyone. its' allthere fault. I blame my idiot mother. For not teachign me to be happy. My mom is a fking idiot. She doesn't know how to raise kids. my dad is a fking tool. The guys a huge fking pussy. My family is full of retards. These fking clowns don't even know how to live. Like fking idiot rich hill billys. Fking trash can foools. No wisdom behind their actions. FUCKING ID ing idiots. How the fuck do you not know how to raise kids. Like how fking hard is it? This shit is a fking joke. I blame these tretards. All this shit oculd have been solved growing up, if i had good fucking parents. But i didn't. My PARENTS ARE FKING RETARDS. i'M GOING TO fking waste all there fking money, because theye are fking idiots. And they don't deserve to be happy. Fking idiot parents

I'm going to fucking show everyone who fking doubted me. Fking idiot teaches, who thought they wre fking smsarter then me. Fking retards. How fking dare they. Who the fuck do they think they are. I am fking smarter than allyou fking idiots. And you fking idiots try to tell me what to do. I will fking show you retards. I will show all u fking retards. I will fking show you what it menas to be a fking human being. I have gods favor. Fking idiots don't even belive in god. What a bunch of fking clowns. I am fking pissed. I AM FKING ANGRY. i'M FKING RATTLED. iM FKING HEATED. i'M GETTING FKING MORE AND MORE MAD. fUCK THESE IDIOTS. fking clowns. These fking goof idiots. Like fk man. Wtf is this shit. Fking retards. Fking mother fkers. I would fking take all ur shit, if this was the old days. I would fking ride into your stupid fking village, and i would fucking pillage all your shit. And none of you fking idiots would do fking anything abou tit. You fking clowns. I would fking destroy all of you mother fkers. I would fkining destroy you.

I feel frustration. Frustratoin. Impatience. Why? Because i should be playing the game. Okay lets play.

Sorry for the homophonia, i need to find other anger words, but it's kind of built into my vernacular.

[Raptorsin7]

Emotional scale work.

How to best use the scale to feel better

This music changes feeling for the better.

I am worried that i won't find the zone in league of legends, and my website idea will fail. The zone is feeling good, i believe the key to my success is to find my highest feeling self prior to playing the game.

I doubt that i'll be able to find the zone while playing. I doubt that I will feel amazing while playing.

I am dissapointed that i don't yet feel good while playing my game, like how long is this going to take?

I am overwhelmed with all these teachings. I just want some teachings that will help me feel good while playing my game. I want to feel my best, i want to be in the zone.

I am frustrated and impatient that i am not in the zone yet. Like wtf, how am i not in the zone yet. This is really frustrating me, i just want to play my best and be as good as I can possibly be at league, which is at least challenger.

I don't know if this stuff is going to work. Like who knows if this emotional scale stuff is even what gets me to feel good. Am i even donig this right? Idk, like how do i know if i'm even using the emotional scale correctly.

I am getting sick of just sitting here and writing about how i want to feel. Can i just feel good already? Like how hard is this? How hard is it to just feel good, am i right?

I can accept i'm at. I can be at peace with the moment. 

I really hope i can find good feeling through this journal. How incredible would that be? If i could just tune into good feeling through writing about emotions. That would be so awesome. I hope i can learn to do this. I will keep trying no matter what. i HOPE i can tune into good feeling and feel love and joy by simply writing about thoughts and feelings. I am hopeful. I really hope it's possible.

I can do this. I believe i can find good feeling by simply writing about thoughts and emotions. I can do this. I believe that I can find good feeling by writing about thoughts and emotions. I expect to find good feeling by writing about it in my journal. I expect to feel really good while playing league. I expect to have fun everytime I play, win or lose. I believe i can do it. I believe i can find love and joy while playing league of legends. I believe i can do it. I believe i can find love and joy and happiness playing league of legends.

I can't wait to feel good. I'm so excited to finallly feel good. OMG. i can't wait. Heaven on earth baby. I'm so pumped. I'm exctied to finally feel so good that i can just try my best and be free. I am confident that this feeling good will carry to me to challenger effortlessly. Putting my faith outside of myself, into god. InTO LOVE. I trust love. I believe in love. lOVE IS THE WAY. Alhamdulah. I am exctied to finally feel good.

 

[Raptorsin7]

The relationship between feeling and thinking. 

There are negative emotions, in the sense that these emotions have so far been avoided. Shame, guilt, fear, insecurity. These have been labeled bad, and the human has been living to avoid these. So the human is trapped in a narrow life, because growth would produce these feelings. But those feelins are in relation to thoughts, those feelings are there to show that those thoughts aren't true and you should pick a better feeling thought, a thought that doesn't lead to feelings of shame, guilt, fear etc.

On weed the relationship between thinking and feeling so clear. But when i'm pure sober it's rough. Man, i am fucked up. I am legit fucked. But it's okay. First step is to admit there's a problem. If you can't admit there's a problem, then you have no chance. Because then you have good reason to change. 

@Nahm is this accurate?

Edited March 16, 2020 by Raptorsin7

[Raptorsin7]

Looking at reality with a different Lens. 

Leave it to god. If gods will is then so be it. 

Acceptance.

[Nahm]

I’d just keep it to....if a thought right now doesn’t feel good, let it go and relax. Do stuff that feels good. Get back to basics with diet & daily meditation. Let the body relax and release as needed. Don’t ruminate and think. Relax, and let go. 

[Nahm]

You might be becoming more aware of how much overthinking goes on, and that the nature of it isn’t exactly pleasant. 

If so, the name of the game would be relaxing, breathing, and allowing - not getting sucked up into thought and or thought stories. 

Like that old story about the two black and white wolves fighting in each of us, and the one that lives, will be the one we feed. 

(Self-love)