The End Of Seeking

[Raptorsin7]

Okay I didn't do LSD today. Maybe saturday.

But i feel better. I think i've been lislabeling the emotional scale. I was thinking i've been stuck at boredom and contentment lmao. Nope.

I've been stuck at the lowest tier, like insecurity, shame, guilt, fear, worthlessness, powerlessness. This is where i've been living. These emotions are what motivate toxic competitvness, anger, tilt, etc. That's the relationship. But I think the relationship is backwards of what I just wrote. The toxic thoughts are producing the emotions as a guide to change thinknig. How do i know my thinking needs to change because My emotions are telling me this doesn't feel good. So, here's the deal. I need to change thinking. But i also care about my website. So perhaps setting the goal on the dream board of what i want next in the website, which is challenger in league, and then picking good feeling thoughts. 

I need to approach the scale from a feel better perspective. That's the purpose of using the scale. By changing the character of my thoughts, and the way i feel from music/media i can move up the scale. And that will make me feel better. Righteous anger FEELS BETTER than powerlessness. It's not about being the best, or getting the best feeilng. It's about moving up the scale, to feel better.

[Raptorsin7]

Dam I think i had a break through. I need to channel my depression into psychotic competitenvess. This will allow to move up the emotional scale inot this stage. And it will be great because i can channel this into my video game. 

Competition here we come. Dam I think i'm going to hit platinum by Friday. I feel a win streak coming.

[Raptorsin7]

I did 1.5 tab of LSD. Here we go. I'm expecting a breakthrough into bliss.

[ZenBlue]

@Raptorsin7 Have a wonderful trip

[Raptorsin7]

@ZenBlue Thank you 

[Raptorsin7]

I just want someone to put me out of this misery. I finally understand suicide lol. It's not that people want to die, it's that they want there old way of living to die. They want to find a way of living that feels good. That's the point of suicide, and the negative experience in genreral, it provides contrast/context from which to choose the next experience.

[Raptorsin7]

Wow. I feel fully connected to the journal. This crazy. The sense of connection is "other wordly". I see what these words point to now. Words cannot really describe how great this expeience is.

Wow these drugs are amazing. Haha it's insane how much growth can occur from these subtances. I just accomplished more in like 2 hours on LSD then i did in the last month of "FULL TIME recovery. LOL

[Raptorsin7]

This is the battle wow. I am going in and out of being tuned out and in.

[Raptorsin7]

24 years of wasted potentoal. Fking bull shit life. 

Idiot family. So much morein me that was fking not allowed out. Fuck this, and fuck everyone.

[Raptorsin7]

THIS IS RETARDED. WHY WOULD I NOT LIVE LIKE THIS. WHAT IS THE FKING POINT, OF NOT LIVING LIKE THIS LOL. fking retarded design. Idiot fking creator. 

Why the fk would you do this to yourself?

I don't know?

Fk this. FUCKKKK. WHAT THE FUCK. I'M GOING IN AND OUT. DUDE FK YOU PEOPLE READING THIS. FKING IDIOTS. 

Im tadjflakdjflkjsdaklfjklfdJ f

Fk the audience. WHO GIVES A FK. 

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT. THIS IS FKING RETARDED.

Why would I not want to live this way. Fking retard designer. Like there has to be a better way to get tuned in. I don't want to use fking drugs all the time, what the fuck, But who cares, i dont give a fk. aHHFHAFLDIFHADKLFHALKJFKD

 

q

 

[Raptorsin7]

I'm going dark

Just me and my journal and league of legends.

A gaming tear. An epic adventure of gaming. 

Infintite humor. What the fk. UHHHHH. SO FKING MUCH BRO. GOD DAMMIT. WTFJADLFJADSKLFJDAS;LKJFDLKSAJFD

FL;DAJ;FLKSDAJLKF;DAJKLFJDA KLLJS LKFJDALKJFLDKJLKAJSFLKJASDKLFJSDALKJ

MAN LADSJFLKAJDSLKRFAJSDF

I feel the power. 

Now.

How do i maintain this power. And how to put it to good use?

The battle will continue though. But i think im winning overall. Feeling is the best judge.

[Raptorsin7]

THIS IS SO RETRFRDN SO MUCH NEEDLES SUFFERING LOL' WTF

Creator, i want a better system lmao. Who built this fking game am i right? Fking idiot creator.

[Raptorsin7]

I want to stay TUNED IN.

WHATEVER THOSE WORDS FKING MEN;KDFKLJDKJ UHH

UHHHH

you can't bea tme  bitchh

FKING IDIOT RETARD. ILL FKING DESTORY YOU MOTHERFKESKLJFLJADSL;JFA;KLJ

its me vs me here. 

I can't lose because all its all me.

[Raptorsin7]

UHHHHHHHHHHHOADFKLADJFKADJFLKDJFLKDJFLSDAJKLFDJALKFJSADLKJFASDLKJFLKDASJFLKDAJFLJ

WHY IS THIS SO HARDJDAHFLDHFLJDAHF

WHY IS LIFE SO HARD

WTF IS THIS

PROJECTION ONTO OTHER PEOPLE. SO MUCH SUFFERING IS IN OUR PROJECTION ONTO OTHER PEOPLE. 

[Raptorsin7]

WHERE IS THE SUFFERING COMING FROM. 

ME.

ITS COMING FROM ME. I'm connected to me, and the suffering is coming from me.

This is fun. If this journal ever gets too big i'll fking shut it down right away. I don't a fking cult following like these other retards, fking idiots with cults lmao. 

Wow so much of the suffering is in stories of myself and other people. Its all about me and other people. 

My LIFE IS THE EPITOMY OF NARCISSIM. THIS IS AS BAD AS YOU CAN FKING BE. I AM A TERRIBLE PERSON

WOW

I AM A TERRIBLE PERSON

HOLY FK THOSE WORDS ARE FREEING

I AM A TERRIBLE HUMAN BEING

I AM LIVING IN A RETARDED WAY

DONT LIKE ME HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHH 

WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO FKING LIVE LIKE THIS. haha the joke is on me, because I fking live like this. I fking inflict this suffering on myself.

[Raptorsin7]

I cant make sense of it.

This makes 0 sense to me.

I cant solve this.

I dont know what the fuc ks is going.

GG god.

WP

YOU fking beat me, because i got nothing

[Surfingthewave]

Hey @Raptorsin7 just checking in, are you OK, did you have a bad trip. 

Sending love and good vibes your way? 

[Raptorsin7]

@Surfingthewave No i'm great. Thanks for the follow up,

I like to be dramatic haha. It's fun for me.

[Alex bAlex]

Well, everything alright there?

No more candy and soda for you from now on ?

 

[Raptorsin7]

@Alex bAlex