The End Of Seeking

[Raptorsin7]

I will begin to deconstruct me. I have tried for so long to make myself happy and fulfilled. I tried. But today I give up. When i meditate on the present moment there is only presence. I am gone for moments at a time. But for some reason i keep coming back. So i need to deconstruct myself until there is nothing to get back. 

This where i'm at in my journey in a basic summary:

1. Wake up. I am not satisfied with life. I need to do stuff that will bring me happiness. Procrastinate all day until I meditate or do yoga.

2. Do meditation and connect with the present. No thinking. Just being. But ego always comes back. Present moment isn't enough or ego is too big.

3. Do a bunch of me stuff, procrastinate, go on forum trying to seek bliss and happiness for me, meditate for me, and then go to sleep.

I have just read a bunch of post's from @zeroISinfinity and @Nahm, and have gone through their history of when i asked so many questions ask a seeker. All the problems were with me. Time to let myself go. 

If i operate and act from me and for me then i am fucked.

If i operate and act from source/god/love then i can't lose. Sometimes i feel like doing stuff that i know is good but I feel is too much, but that's ok I will just be patient and wait for another idea from god.

[Raptorsin7]

Let me go. 

 

Write down your “important things”, your “big things”, your “serious things”,

 

your “must’s”, your “should’s”, your “supposed to’s, your “expected to’s”, your “have to’s”.

 

Have a good look at that list of “youness” and notice, that is not you. 

 

That “me” you seem to have become, the grown up, the serious one, that is not you. 

 

I feel this truth, and you feel it too.

 

Have a ceremony, 

 

light a candle,

 

light that list,

 

smile while it burns.

 

That’s not me. 

 

Let ”me” go. 

 

And gone it is.

 

Choose this tree of life, of living, of love. Let go the knowledge of good & evil, of right & wrong. That is not me.

.............................. 

[Raptorsin7]

Who am I?

• I have to meditate
• I have to eat healthy
• I have to write my crim exam tmrw
• I have to protect myself from bad feelings and bad people
• I should feel happier
• I should be happier
• My life should be better
• I should enjoy my life more
• I have to go home after exams are over
• I have to be happy
• i should be happy
• I should find a high paying job
• I should be really successful
• I should be totally financially independent
• I should live my life from a place of god and source
• I am scared of flow blown enlightenment because I don't want to experience hell
• I should go to yoga
• I should exercise and my keep my body healthy
• I have to clean my apartment for the party tmrw
• I have to go to the store to buy stuff
• I have to know what's going on
• I have to get to enlightenment so i can finally start enjoying my life
• i should enjoy my life
• I have to protect myself from death
• I have to pursue enilghtenment
• i should pursue enlightenment because it's better for the whole world if i'm enlightened
• I should tell my parents i love them
• i should work hard
• I should be really good at sports
• i should be really smart
• i should have fun when i'm playing video games
• video games should feel good
• I have to love my darkest aspect of myself
• I have to protect my public image
• I have to live my life in accordance with god
• I have to open my chakras

 

Edited December 18, 2019 by Raptorsin7

[Raptorsin7]

This list is not me. None of this is true of me. It's true of the guy in my head who likes talking about himself. But this isn't me.

[zeroISinfinity]

No it isn't but this ❤️ no guy is. 

[Raptorsin7]

@zeroISinfinity I haven't felt the love yet. I feel like i understand all this stuff intellectually but my direct experience isn't anything like you describe yours.

Also, i was reading your rold journal about not helping bliss chasers and people pursuing enlightenment for egoic reasons. because they will cause suffering if they don't fully understand god.

These people, like me, will cause WAY MORE suffering without enlightenment. Bliss chaser, prisoner, it doesn't matter who. Enlightenment is the best case for me, you, and everyone and everything. There are no reasons to not help someone pursue enlightenment. 

But i do get your point about you can't do it from egoic reasons. If I want to be enlightened for my own sake and my own desires I think it's going to take a lot long then if i find a different motivation.

[Raptorsin7]

I have been a devil on the forum over the past few days. I've triggered multiple people.

I also missed an appointment with Nahm.

I've also got into an argument with my family since I just came home from break.

I am very confused right now. I just want to get my life together and make progress. I have felt stuck for a long time. Emotionally and physically stuck.

Spiritually I feel like i am growing and becoming more open minded.

I have to do this on my own. I care too much about what others are doing. On this forum, in my life, everywhere. I'm always giving other people advice, but i am a huge fucking mess right now. I do not have my shit together. I think this is big devilry, by giving advice without me actualizing my own potential first. 

I need to prove that this stuff works on myself first. Before i start preaching to others. 

I am scared. And i don't really know what I can do that will actually work. I feel like i'm running on a hamster wheel with the meditation, the yoga, the time on this forum. I don't know if it's going to work or not.

I mean i'm not even happy. I'm going for enlightenment and i'm not even happy in my life right now. 

 

[Raptorsin7]

I have 3 weeks off until next semester starts. This time is incredibly valuable. I don't want to over extend myself so i'm going to focus on a few things that I want to grow over these next few weeks.

• Read Abraham Hicks, and try to understand her videos more and LoA teachings more.
• Begin Leo's life purpose course. Not sure if i can or should finish it in 3 weeks but I need to just start it.
• 3 hour continuous meditation sit.
• Learn how to lucid dream

I feel good about these things, and I can get the ball rolling on each of them in the coming days.

[Amandine]

Good luck with all you wish to do this Christmas break.

I hope you achieve as much as possible.

You can do this!

You're very motivated. ???

And ambitious 

 

Would the 3 hour continuous meditation sit be a one-off or a daily phenomenon? 

Edited December 21, 2019 by Amandine

[Raptorsin7]

@Amandine Thank you for your encouragement. It would be a one-off. There is a poster who makes posts about meditative joy and happiness. He said he did one day of 4 hours continuous meditation and it has completely transformed his practice, to the point where he experiences joy and happiness all day basically. All stemming from his one super long meditation session. I'm going to experiment with long term sits like those over the break until i reach some sort of break through. 

[Raptorsin7]

Being back has been rough. I feel so much negativity towards my parents it's insane. I am literally the worst version of myself when i'm around my parents. The same is true when i spend time playing video games with my friends online. 

Not sure what to do really. Every time I think about this stuff. I think, how will I fix this. What can I do. But then i remember that I am the problem. Or am i the problem? I have no idea. I'm so confused right now ):

I did 45 minutes of meditation today, but I didn't start on any other projects. I found a new posture for meditation which is way better so i'm happy about that. I think it will be effective when i try and do my really long sit. 

Man i really just want some stable happiness and joy in my life. I feel sad when I think about all the ways my life could be right now. I always told myself that eventually i would have my life together, and Christmas would be awesome. I don't have my life together and Christmas sucks ): 

I am depressed and down right now and it sucks. I need to overcome my depression. Is neediness the problem? Uhh i'm so fucking confused with all these concepts.

I am going to cut today early and try again tomorrow. Building some momentum early will be effective. I spent many hours in bed this morning before my day even started. I can change that tomorrow and try and jump into my day early.

I am really happy i'm back home because now i can take cold showers. I love cold showers it's one of the thins I did a few years ago where i felt like a super human after i overcame my depression. Definitely need to bring to those back. Need again wtf.

[Ananta]

On 12/17/2019 at 9:18 PM, Raptorsin7 said:

When i meditate on the present moment there is only presence. I am gone for moments at a time.

Perfect, then you can hopefully recognize this "gap" in time, is you, awareness. As awareness, you can never be out of the present moment. You "are" the present moment. It only "seems" like you are not in the moment when thoughts are about the past or future. So, what is really meant is to rid oneself of believing "psychological time", which causes suffering and makes you think you aren't "in the moment".

On 12/17/2019 at 9:18 PM, Raptorsin7 said:

i need to deconstruct myself until there is nothing to get back. 

I don't think this can be done. You can see that the ego is illusory, that the little "me" is false, but it will continue to do it's thing. The thing is to see through it and then life won't seem as burdensome. To rest as awareness, being aware of your true nature and play your role as the action figure, that's the goal, imo.

Its an ignorance problem we have, it causes suffering. It is when we believe that one is a separate, volitional entity, instead of our true nature, which is whole, complete awareness/consciousness. 

I found that Self-inquiry and neti-neti was very helpful in the beginning. I would recommend doing that if you aren't already.

[Amandine]

20 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

There is a poster who makes posts about meditative joy and happiness. He said he did one day of 4 hours continuous meditation and it has completely transformed his practice, to the point where he experiences joy and happiness all day basically. 

Wow, I hope he's not a one-off. 

 

16 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

I am literally the worst version of myself when i'm around my parents. 

Families sometimes bring out the worst in us, they certainly know which buttons to press.

I actually think you're very brave spending 3 whole weeks with them. ?

Edited December 22, 2019 by Amandine

[Raptorsin7]

@Anna1 I have done self inquiry before. I have been doing just more basic breathing and letting go meditation recently. But i should definitely get back to some form of inquiry. It was helpful for me to ask myself who is suffering, or where the suffering is located in my direct experience.

Thanks

[Ananta]

31 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

@Anna1 I have done self inquiry before. I have been doing just more basic breathing and letting go meditation recently. But i should definitely get back to some form of inquiry. It was helpful for me to ask myself who is suffering, or where the suffering is located in my direct experience.

Thanks

I'm sure it's all useful, but I prefer to go straight for the jugular, lol!

Yes, who is the suffer? Or is there just pain? Or negative thoughts that are witnessed?

Is there a thinker? Are you actually planning out all your thoughts, feelings, emotions?

...then, if you aren't the doer/thinker/feeler, then doing/thinking/feeling is just happening and has always just happened. You just imagined there was a "you" (ego) doing it.

[Raptorsin7]

@Anna1 Thanks. I will definitely go back to self inquiry once I get other parts of my life more in line.

[Raptorsin7]

@Amandine Thank you I appreciate the encouragement (:

[Raptorsin7]

Today was a much better day.

I did around 2 hours total of meditation, and my new meditation cushion has really changed my practice. I am able to keep my back much straighter, and i even felt a weird tingling energy moving up my spine during my meditation.

I looked up how to lucid dream and i am going to begin recording my dreams and doing reality checks throughout the day to get this habit going. Hopefully I can automate this habit and just make it apart of my normal routine.

I also referenced the emotional mastery concept Nahm always talks to me about. Aligning thought with feeling. So i'm not sure about the whole choose a thought thing. But i can see how different thoughts are associated with different emotions. I'm going to start referencing the chart throughout the day to get my thinking right. I think I can always get myself to a feeling of contentment from meditation, from that point it's about optimism and hopefulness I think for my next steps after my meditation.

I am thinking i'm going to put off doing Leo's life purpose course for now. I need to get my happiness and satisfaction in check first. I want to be happy. Full stop. Then i will deal with my life purpose. I know it's possible, i've done it before.

Cold showers are amazing. So pumped to have them back in my life. My family is going to think i'm crazy but im thinking of doing like 3 or 4 showers a day just so i can get that rush from the cold shower. I wasn't in there long today, but over time i'm going to just stay in longer and longer until i can sit with the pain and the cold.

Feeling hopeful and content today. Pretty solid. But i have much more to go. I want bliss and joy. I will not get complacent. But a strategy to apply when i get out of alignment.

[Amandine]

I'm so glad you're feeling better. ?

[Raptorsin7]

This is post by @Nahm from another one of my journals. This spoke to me a lot, and i wanted to post it here so I have access to it in my current journal

You’re ‘tasting’ the bitterness of the separate self. Not at first glance maybe, but it’s a wonderful thing. The separate self is the one in the thought story, the one in the past, the one in the future - where feeling is not. It seems to me you are discovering this clue, this “there must be more to life than this”. It’s not too far of a stretch imo to say - welcome to the ox pics. Indeed, there is much more.  

Expressing gratitude & appreciation in thoughts & words can tune one into the feeling, for sure, without a doubt. However, on a ten scale, figuratively speaking, this might take one from 0 to 3. Later, full circle, turquoise, nondual, this is the default, though it would then not be described as gratitude or appreciation, but visceral amazement, disbelief, childlike wonderment.   I’m going to really scrutinize the clues, and I hope it’s helpful...

The biggest challenge on the path, the name of the game, is precisely what you’re getting clued into - suffering & the separate self.  Self referential thinking - thoughts, about yourself - over time, have constructed a sort of seemingly solid idea, of you. But that ain’t you. That, is conceptual, and is more or less void of feeling. 

So welcome to deconstruction. Contemplate, with “new eyes”, presence - mindfulness - what you’re encountering at this point, is exactly what those words were coined to point to - being here, now, where feeling is. And furthermore, diving into this ocean of consciousness, awareness, of Love. 

For now (terrible pun sorry)...just practice: Being attentive, to what you have thus far been inattentive to. 

Didn’t seem like a big deal, letting the mind wander, thinking, overthinking, etc. We all go there. This is the intellectual era. Most die there. Some of us, die now. One little deconstruction of the separate self at a time. 

 

”I always imagined”  Imagination is arguably the greatest facet a ‘human’ ’has’, but, when we involve happiness and gratitude, we can create a trap while simultaneously getting snared in it. It’s a triple trap really, that I am human, that I am the idea of who I am as a human, compounded with that I expect to be able to wander via the undisciplined mind, and still feel.

  If right now, and for the next year, I imagine when I’ll be happy and appreciative...________ -   ...notice I’ve already blown it. I left now, and made my happiness conditional - the condition, is time. I did this merely with thought, about me, in the future....where happiness is expected to be.

Because the truth is that there is no separate self, there is no past, and there is no future - that what appears to be a time space continuum (“physical reality”) is actually an infinite being, appearing as time & space - because that’s actually the actuality - feeling  - which is only of infinite being, not of the separate self in thoughts - is only here & now. 

The source of feeling is absolute unconditional love...unconditional, as in, the finite mind says “meh...later in life..I’m busy”......Feeling, all knowing, all loving, nowhere & no thing more worthwhile to be than “you” - says “Ok, cool. You got it my man”. 

Very, very loosely, you might say this is the “catch”. Infinite being is unconditional. Loving you so much, no matter what you do...that it can slip by unnoticed. Absolutely unconditional. 

But alas...

THIS IS A DREAM. 

YOU ARE THE INFINITE BEING. 

The metadventure is well underway. Welcome to it brutha. 

The separate self is a virtual expert at taking living, and reality, for granted.