no energy to live or die

[Anubis]

I feel deeply stuck.

The title looks confusing but hear me out; 

I want to die and at the same time i'm too afraid to kill myself. I also don't want to live, just thinking about everything i need to do and work on in order to have a relatively good life depresses me. I think i am too lazy to do anything. Ultimately my only wish is to lay in bed and read. Thats all i want to do. I dont want to live, I dont want to die, I just want to be in a place where i can rest forever. Maybe thats what death is but we just dont know.

I feel like there is nowhere I can run to. I am alive now. This is my reality. If i die, how do i know it would be restful. There is no 'home base'. No place that i know for sure will be secure and where i can rest forever. Everything is so mysterious too. The fact that i am alive to type these words, and that you're reading them is truly strange.

And so when i dont distract myself with day to day life i feel deeply confused and afraid, of life and death. 

I wish i could invite someone in my mind so we could just sit there together and i wouldnt be so alone in there.. but we're all alone like this right. 

Thats where i'm at now basically. I'm lazy to the deepest degree and wished for an exit. But I feel like there is no reliable exit door i can go through to opt out of this life-death duality altogether.

I'm stuck in limbo. 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited December 17, 2019 by Anubis

[remember]

@Anubis bring yourself in a situation where it`s impossible to be lazy. sign up for a voluntary social year, or go traveling with a back pack, or maybe do a vipassana or do all three of it - a lot of people tell good things about vipassana retreats, having good experiences against this kind of cocooning.

Edited December 18, 2019 by remember

[assx95]

Make a commitment to Meditate for 20 minutes daily.  Just sit motionless and don't do anything. The effects will snowball after a few months. Days if you're lucky. You will get in touch with being, and you probably would change the way you think. 

[28 cm unbuffed]

i remember when i was feeling like this - for me it was an indicator that there is everything wrong with my life

it's like - you are reaching a point when you hit bottom and you are your worst version of yourself

don't want to scare you or something, but after some time you'll reach a point, where life will just shock you, something dramatic will happen that will show you how worthless and useless you are and you will gain tremendous amount of energy and drive to change everything in yourself to make your life better, in my case i was like - if I'm going to do anything at all with my life, I'll make it the best life possible - if I'm doing something, let's do it 100% 

so, actually, there is something great about this stage, basically - you will have to decide at one moment - do you want to die, or do you want to get everything that is the best in life, fight or flight

[Anubis]

@remember yes it makes sense. Everytime i put myself out there i feel more alive. Still afraid though. Thanks for the pointer for the vipassana retreat. I'll check it out. Sounds really hard too. 

@assx95 Yea i should start this habit again. Thanks for the reminder. Doing 20 min tonight, after this post. 

@28 cm unbuffed You've been through this too? You felt the same way towards life and death then, the way i described it?  And yes, alot of things are going wrong. But its interesting because if i am in movement (ie. going out, meeting people, striving towards my goals,..) I kind of forget that state of mind for a moment. 

11 hours ago, 28 cm unbuffed said:

so, actually, there is something great about this stage, basically - you will have to decide at one moment - do you want to die, or do you want to get everything that is the best in life, fight or flight

This is very true.. pretty much describes my mentality rn.