Personal Development Journal by Milos Uzelac: Fresh Start

[Milos Uzelac]

I have a vague idea structuring this journal as a gradual ascendance of as much possible expressiveness and openness of my inner beliefs, self-dialogue, experiences, social bond forging and habit building as time management and procrastination of college commitment allows at this moment. This a sketch that I want to put for now in order to have something to return to until I write my goals and manage to set a fixed time later during the day to express myself. I want to add a thought story of a recurring feeling now and then that I don't have a proper phrase to explain it. 

I came to a belief because of this recurring experience/feeling connected to it that there is a best highest consciousness experiencing of events and outcome of them at the extent of my current awareness during the day, that I can then choose to amplify it (by habitual becomig aware of the unconscious through meditation/contemplation) and invest emotional labor into it or to regress and be sucked into a constant loop of self-referential thoughts of a holistic decay of body,  denial of social interaction and social experiences due to a perceived fear of lessening personal integrity and not acting in full honesty due to again fear of the consequences of it to the relationship and mind focus, study resilience and reading speed - (since I mostly am required to develop that habit in studying sociological texts, understanding and applying theory from it in writing essays and reading as much literature besides that to adopt and understand a lot more concepts and to improve my writing capability, style as well as learn grammatically correct and linguistically richer and more nuanced ways of expressing myself in writing in order to be able to pass my exams and come out educated in my field in the next now 2 and a half or 3 and a half years).

So to sum up the primary (bold) goals that I conjured up over which I hold a lot of existential/Ego anxiety (due to wanting to avoid possible physical wage labor while I am in Serbia because of lost social benefits of pension for being a self-financed student) but as well as the passionate motivation of improving on them and vision of developing my speech, writing and thinking over these 2 and a half years left (or 3 and a half from which I also harbor a passion on master studies in sociology):

1. Reading 2 books per month at least until March and the beginning of the next semester one on sociology and one on self-help or spirituality, starting now in December on finishing one or two til the end of this month.

2. Finishing the required literature of 200 pages or more (will check and correct tomorrow) for the two exams I have from January 15th.

3. Finishing the required literature of about 250 pages or more (ibid) for the one exam that I will do registration on in February.

4. Being kinder, more helpful, resilient, thoughtful and willing to learn and acquire a few cooking skills and recipes from my grandparent's and father (in order that I can finally learn to cook something for myself)

5. Organizing leftover free time to learn as much as possible the basics of Beginner's German from my father, online programs (MTM) and from private classes from @Manjushri (shoutout ) till next semester

6. Starting socialize and hang out more with friends and girls at my college and meeting new ones outside of it.

7. Developing a close friendly caring bond with the girl I like and also sharing with her personal development tools and giving her when I have advice personal advice, trying to see her and hang out with her as much as possible

8. Doing basic physical exercises for not falling asleep or getting out of study tiredness and fatigue (warm-ups, walks, short runs, push-ups or squats)

9. Meditating Twice a Day: In the morning (need to determine which meditation will try out Breathing in the Morning) and before bed for half an hour or more if I have future social interaction fantasizing and perfectionistic plaining the day ahead thought loops, hypertheorizing and general body stress (lower back pain, shorts spasms due to overthinking, etc.) at night (a combination of thought observance and body scan meditation). (Will write out what I think about and feel at this period of time at night in this journal)

10. Watching at least once or twice a week a personal development video from Leo on a current issues that are most relevant for my development and learning to take relevant and short notes on it in a reasonable time frame.

This is the outline of concrete goals that I want to accomplish, however, I will add the ego and psychosomatic obstacles (sleepiness, tiredness, overthinking) for them and methods of overcoming them as soon as I do some actual work.

Note on appearing Limiting Beliefs: when writing this I felt my clinginess to logocentricity (focusing on the thought, word, and sentence-style instead of writing out what I feel and thought about completely and openly), using a formal style of writing in this journal, using a lot of phrases and elongating my sentences (even though it still has a lot of errors and style mishaps), laziness in checking and correcting and writing each paragraph, slow writing speed and too much wasted time, attachment to not deleting the whole text for sensing it becoming too detached from my true feelings, somehow autistically not being able to express my feelings through sensibility wording but having the habit of typing in these long sentences and not being a able to stop writing and distracting myself from studying sociology tonight. Oh Boy the Thought Complex 

Set Commitment: Want to keep updating this journal regularly after a finished day, openly and expressively (not as if I am writing for someone else) and keeping and focusing my mind on the bolded goals.

And I apologize in advance for someone wanting to read this Il keep aiming at improving my writing coherence and cohesiveness in order for the journal not being this chaotic and digressive and to actually aim at expressing myself and at the same time being understandable.

 

Edited December 17, 2019 by Milos Uzelac