My Win Over Fapping

[Fraction]

Hello there ! 

I am a 20 year old college student. I won't bore you much with my life history as I spent most of it being unaware and lost. I used to be a star daydreamer. At the age of 12, I had my first orgasm. I didn't even know what I was doing at the time. I just had this urge which I wanted to satisfy. Soon, It became my escape from the stress of day to day life. At that time, I had no purpose, no wisdom of any kind to see past the illusion of such an epicurean escape. I didn't even know that sex is the cause for babies. I thought it was just a fun thingy practiced by bad guys. I felt this strange attraction towards girls which was somehow growing as I got more into fapping. Things became even worse due to the company I had. They used to feed in various sorts of lustful thoughts in my mind and discussions about the hotness of girls in the school became the preference. I never participated in those conversations but just remained a mere listener. Also, all this sexual stuff never really resonated with my self-image. I had a great self-image and wanted to do something great in life and that's why I never told my friends that I masturbated. To me it was just baloney. But by doing so I was lying to myself. I was an addict but I was pretending to be a nice guy in front of others. Everytime I masturbated I ended up inundated with huge guilt and regret. After each relapse I would promise that I would never do it again. But sooner or later the demon would come back and hypnotize me into its maya. 

This single bad habit has been the major cause of most of my failure I've had in my life. The problem was not entirely with fapping but with the huge guilt that came afterwards. I just didn't like being myself anymore as I had become the kind of person that was repugnant to myself. Its been 8 years now and I think its time to slay the demon. As satisfying it might feel, fapping actually squirts out essential nutrients out of the system and wastes a lot of energy. It deprives people of will power, self-esteem, focus, concentration and various intellectual feats. All these bad effects accumulate and create a shitty life. It took me 8 years to see through its illusion.

I want to be the guy I aspire to be so that I can feel good to be myself. I therefore will abstain from fapping completely from this day and journal my journey until the cravings are faded away and do not enslave me anymore.  To make this interesting I commit not to give up even once. Lets see whether the sexual instinct is more stronger than my brute will..!!

Edited June 7, 2016 by Fraction

[Fraction]

DAY 1

Well that went well. I was expecting a fight though. The new routine keeps me occupied. I don't watch TV and use internet except for textual info and self help videos. Working well so far. 

 

[Fraction]

DAY 2

Hmmph..Today was hard. Somehow I overcame the libido. But I'd say I was lucky. The problem is that there are two aspects of me, one wants it and the other doesn't. If somehow the bad side is more powerful then I am more liable to fall for the urge. A radical shift in my perspective is necessary in order to dissolve these high inclinations for such experiences. 

Also, to get rid of an addiction is tricky as you can't just brute force things linearly. Its a fight with yourself to win which you have to carefully choose a side and stay with it until the end no matter how promising it feels to switch sides. If you keep on flipping between the sides carelessly, the result of the fight would not be in your best interest. I am anticipating a lot of inconveniences along the way. I'd better be ready for it.

 

Edited June 9, 2016 by Fraction

[Fraction]

DAY 3

I felt the urges but they were relatively less than yesterday. I am already feeling the energy shifts. My mind and body are resisting the change that is taking place and the urge spikes enormously at times. But if I let it pass by contemplating about how important it is for me to get better then it slowly dissolves somehow. I read somewhere that the whole physiology changes to accommodate more easy processing of a practice which is exercised daily.

So I suspect that my current physiology is shaped such a way to accommodate my excessive sexual habits. And to transmute this back to the normal form it might take a while. The sexual urge that I experience is just my body trying to tend towards its normal high sexual state. And the more I say no to it, the more it will learn that saying no and not thinking about sex excessively is the new normal and the physiology will accommodate itself likewise.  

[Fraction]

DAY 4

It went really well today. Today was a fasting day which always prove out to be a great libido killer. I've to say though that in an attempt to suppress those urges I am very easily distracted by their arrival and not able to concentrate on my studies very well. What I do instead, is keep myself occupied in things which don't require much mental effort and I don't really like being involved in such activities. Abstinence has shaken my whole system of habits which I am gonna work to keep in balance. I feel different now and I need to orchestrate these new sensations and feelings with the old meditation and study habits. I am excited for the new things that are on my way. My life is going to change completely.    

[Fraction]

RELAPSED 

I committed to not giving up even once but I failed. But I observed something which is a key to a successful abstinence. I saw that I need to keep in touch with my higher self and all the noble values I resonate with to win over those libido spikes. If i am beating myself up for some reason then I am not able to get the support from my nobler side and I am more likely to fall for it. 

Anyways, from today, there are going to be even more restrictions. I will try to induce higher values in me on a daily basis through self-help books. Will avoid small talk with my family members, completely. Extend my study and meditation period and try to be mindful and aware throughout the day by slowing things down. And I won't lose again..!!

[Fraction]

I realized that I have been trying to push myself beyond my ability. My resistance to this habit of mine created a lot of suffering for me. I never accepted this aspect of mine. So from today I will try to accept every nook and cranny of my being. 

Also, I am gonna try abstaining for a fixed period of time first and then extend it if I am able to accomplish my goals. Just declaring that I am never going to do it ever again is not realistic. I need practical goals. For this reason I will try to abstain for 2 days, then extend it to 4, then 6 and so on. 

[Fraction]

DAY 5

I have been on a five day vacation to help me get a JumpStart with my abstinence. It went awesome and I did not relapsed. The problem is that I am a loner, I do not get out much and I don't have any friends to hangout with, so somehow fapping became my  source of pleasure and I became too much dependent upon it for my own good. Anyways, now comes the hard part. I am back home and hope that it goes well from now.

[Sri McDonald Trump Maharaj]

33 minutes ago, Fraction said:

DAY 5

I have been on a five day vacation to help me get a JumpStart with my abstinence. It went awesome and I did not relapsed. The problem is that I am a loner, I do not get out much and I don't have any friends to hangout with, so somehow fapping became my  source of pleasure and I became too much dependent upon it for my own good. Anyways, now comes the hard part. I am back home and hope that it goes well from now.

Ahhh I'm also kind of a lone wolf myself and I have been doing that for a long time aswell. Going out walking or doing walking meditation helps.

One thing that really helped me was a comment in my journal that said something like this: "You can relapse. But meditate first!" and that technique has really helped me a lot.

[Fraction]

@Sri McDonald Trump Maharaj yeah that sounds powerful. Its only done out of unconsciousness and escapism, which are the two things meditation knows how to deal with. Thank you for your advice. I am gonna try it for sure. 

[Fraction]

Relapsed again. I think its due to the fact that I have not been meditating in the vacations and it made me more unconscious unknowingly. Also, I saw that whenever I am unconscious the tendency to run away from the emotional pain and towards an instant fix is very high. Fapping is the default instant fix my body knows and that's what it relies upon to mask the emotional pain but sadly, pleasure can't kill the pain, it just skedaddles it away for a while. Also, they say that emotional pain only dissolves when accepted and confronted through awareness. Running away and trying to soothe it with pleasures is never the right thing to do. ( if only my subconscious knew that ).

I think that fapping is a mere solution that my subconscious uses to masquerade the emotional spasms that arises throughout the day. So the major issue here is how to deal better with these emotional crises because if the emotional pain is stabilized then there won't be any need for pleasures. 

Anyways, I am going on a 10 day Vipassana retreat on 6th to help me in the abstinence. I hope it works for me.

Edited June 30, 2016 by Fraction

[Fraction]

DAY 1

It went well. No urges. I've been thinking about it though, and I realized that because I don't want to fap but I still do it, am I not self harming? The root cause of self-harm being low self-esteem, I think. So somehow if I manage to respect and admire myself to the fullest again, will the self harm patterns dissolve? I don't do such stuff among others because my self image (among others) doesn't allow me to. But in isolation another aspect of myself emerges, the one who is not the greatest man I could know of, just an average guy who could involve in things like fapping. This belief that projects me as this average guy is the cause for such self sabotaging behavior. If I somehow manage to enhance my self image, I think I can get more control over things.

[egoeimai]

If you love yourself you can learn what is beneficial and what is harmful to you.

You can avoid the harmful. People who love people do the same. You can show uour love about yourself by doing the best you can,avoiding the bad habits,embrace your own greatness.

[Fraction]

Well I abstained from fapping for a whole 15 days, thanks to Vipassana. I thought I won over it and don't need the help of this forum anymore but I was  wrong. I am back to day zero again. I am really gonna do it this time. My journey might look depressing but it will change for good. I have given my laptop to a friend of mine to avoid any triggers. I have been waking up at four since a month and exercising daily. There are many other dysfunctional habits that rivet me towards fapping and I have read more than 5 books in last two months to fix them too. I will make things great sooner or later.

[egoeimai]

Stay positive. Every good action adds to the whole win.

[jjer94]

Can I make a suggestion?

Oh well, here I go anyways.

You're having trouble quitting because you're subtly labeling masturbation as "bad," while at the same time, you obviously want to do it. Then you cover up this desire with things you label as "good," e.g. Self help books and meditation. You're covering up the cause of your addiction by treating the effects. But the cause is still there.

In my opinion, you're being too moralistic in your approach. Keep going with it and you'll see for yourself. 

I suggest you try the opposite route for a week: fapping frenzy! Go crazy. Do it, like, ten times every day, whenever you feel like it. You've been holding back for so long, and you know you want to...

Make a report of what happens when you do that. Or not. It's up to you.

Cheers.

[Fraction]

@jjer94 I did think about it a lot after watching Leo's video on morality and I did indeed realize that the reason I want to stay in control over the sexual urge is mostly because it is not consistent with how I see myself. The ego doesn't like it, so it tries to control and prove its dominance but it fails miserably. So yes, you are right in a sense. But if I go into a fapping frenzy, there is a lot of victimization I would have to digest and stay neutral towards. Is not better to learn how to regard fapping as normal without actually getting involved in it?

Also, fapping frenzy will fuck my routine and deprive me of a lot of energy which will also cause destruction of the self image. And I am not a Buddha right now that I can face all of it with a smiling face. With my current level of equanimity it will take me a lot of time to get back to the road again and I am already very short on time.

Edited August 17, 2016 by Fraction

[jjer94]

6 minutes ago, Fraction said:

But if I go into a fapping frenzy, there is a lot of victimization I would have to digest and stay neutral towards. Is not better to learn how to regard fapping as normal without actually getting involved in it?

To me, this sounds like avoidance of:

7 minutes ago, Fraction said:

Also, fapping frenzy will fuck my routine and deprive me of a lot of energy which will also cause destruction of the self image. And I am not a Buddha right now that I can face all of it with a smiling face. With my current level of equanimity it will take me a lot of time to get back to the road again and I am already very short on time.

This is exactly the point of the fapping frenzy. Do you really think the Buddha faced ego dissolution with a smiling face? We get these ideas that enlightenment work is somehow gentle. Sure, the realization of your true nature may be gentle, but the purging of egoic emotional attachments is far from gentle. And oddly enough, the more you resist and deny your emotional wounds, the deeper they get!

Notice all of your excuses here. These are defense mechanisms to avoid facing the emotional wounds that will open when you listen to your mind/body's desires and fap like a madman. 

Are you going to continue frantically build a dam, or are you willing to let it break? It's up to you. In the end, time will tell.

All the best, man.

[Fraction]

@jjer94 Alright, what if I try it? You want me to completely let go of trying to control my sexual behaviors, but you are telling me something completely opposite. Letting go doesn't mean craving for it intentionally which you are telling me to do. Neither it is developing aversion towards the object which you think i am doing. Its just observing objectively. I am indeed trying to get rid of it by allowing it to come whenever it wants to come. But when it comes I am not supposed to react with craving and literally start jerking off neither should I hate it and try to suppress it. What I should do instead is mere observe it. So you see I am trying to get rid of it by not trying to get rid of it. And fapping frenzy is in a sense standing in the way of the flow of sexual urges which is letting in not letting go.

Edited August 17, 2016 by Fraction

[jjer94]

Thanks for asking for clarification.

I'm not asking you to try to have the desire or "crave it intentionally" as you say. I am indeed asking you to completely let go of trying to control your sexual behavior.

In other words, if the desire arises, fap away. Of course, if you're with other people you may want to wait until you're alone  Get it? Just listen to your mind/body.

"But when it comes I am not supposed to react with craving and literally start jerking off neither should I hate it and try to suppress it. What I should do instead is mere observe it."

You can precisely do that observation while you're jerking off. The point is not to try to control your body/mind's impulses. It's to see plainly that you suffer when you do it, or you use it to cover up suffering. No need to change your behavior or stop it. The body/mind will autocorrect itself. 

So, to clarify: If you feel the urge to fap five times in one day, act on those urges and do the observation thing while you're acting on them. If you don't feel the urge at all to fap, then don't. It's just like when you're hungry and you're full! 

I appreciate the openmindedness. That'll take you far in and of itself.

Cheers dude.