Mirror, mirror on the wall

[Vitamine Water]

Who's hiding behind my eyeball?

I'm starting this journal because there is an increasing desire for Truth. I want to share my journey into realising who I am and I decided to do it publicly. Its my way of mapping out myself, to understand who's writing and what he's thinking. 

I just want to open up. Show who I am. I've been living in my mind for too long. I've been introverted for too long. There is great potential in me. I've seen it, I've felt it. I'm not afraid to say it. I am here to help humanity. For that I first need to help myself. Get rid of my own bullshit and confusion. And finaly reveal my dark side. I know it's there hiding somewhere. I've been feeling too good for too long.

I want to keep it as raw as possible without polishing too much. So get ready to be confused, amused, offended or whatever if you're reading along. I can be all over the place.

And yes, there is ego involved. No more hiding. 

Let's get REAL   

[Austin Actualizing]

Best of luck 

[Vitamine Water]

@Austin Actualizing

@modmyth

Thanks guys! ♥️

[Vitamine Water]

Here we go. Hold on tight. 

My name is wesley. I am 23 years old. I live in a small Dutch town near the city of Rotterdam with my parents. My father works in the housing industry and my mother is a nurse. I have one older brother, Melvin. He is 24 years old and lives with his girlfriend in Delft. 

I've always considered myself to be a happy child. My childhood was amazing. I was always playing around, making jokes and having loads of friends. In high-school I wanted to be the popular kid in class. I was the "class clown" if you will. People wanted to be around me and I wanted to be around people. Everyone. I always had a weakness for the "unpopular" kids in school, so in lunchbreaks I would sit with the geeks and nerds. We would laugh and have fun all the time. 

I guess I just wanted people to feel good. A people pleaser. Feel good about themselves and about me. 

We had a thing where I would sketch a strip/cartoon story every week. With funny stupid characters and really dry humor. I would share this with my classmates every Friday or so and they loved it. 

But at home I was someone else. I was quiet, reserved. I was living two different lives at once. My best friends knew this. I was drawing and playing video games, mostly. Call of duty and World of Warcraft. Those times were amazing. 

Being the popular kid also meant that I was popular with girls. I had a huge crush one someone for years but I didn't have the balls to say it to her. I knew she was the one. But I was too busy being popular and playing video games. 

I think all the attention from girls overwhelmed me. I wasnt ready for it. There have been times where I felt like love was forced on me. Pushing me to say that I love them while I didn't really have feelings for the girl. Being pushed to choose between 3 different girls. In primary school: people making fun of me for having a relationship/liking a girl. 

It's not as bad as I make it sound tho, but it had an impact on my life. Untill this day I haven't had sex or real intimacy. I've kissed a girl that I liked but that's about it. And I think that these instances subconsciously changed how I view relationships and intemacy. 

Everything really changed when I started meditating in 2016, right after highschool. I saw Leo's video "Understanding awareness, the staggering depth of your unconsciousness" or something like that.
And something clicked. This was it. I always felt like there was more to reality than I could perceive. Some invisible force. I tried to move objects with my mind (and obviously not succeeding.) But this was it. Consciousness. 

And down the rabbit hole I went. I started reading books about Enlightenment, mastery, the universe, whatever. I made a conscious decision to meditate everyday from that day on. 

Meditation revealed who I am. Or rather, who I was in the past. I realised that my whole life I was faking an identity. I put on a mask. The class clown mask. The funny guy mask. The "I want to be liked" mask. And at home I was me. I was hiding behind a mask and I found relief in gaming, drawing and music. No wonder why I was a fan of Linkin Park, loud Dubstep and Call of Duty. It clicked. 
 
Meditation also revealed my insecurities. Public speaking. Talking to girls. It revealed that the base of all those insecurities was a lack of self love. Too much energy going outwards and less inward. The good guy syndrome! 

Also, aliens. Channeling. UFOs, art. More on that later. 

I learned to reconnect with myself. Reconnect with my source, awareness. I've learned to observe thoughts and emotions without being carried away by them. Being grounded. It made me a more chilled, relaxed, aware and happy person. Accepting. 

 

Fast forward to today. 

 

I have a commercial background in Communication and multimedia design. App and Web design basicaly. It gives me a good financial basis as a freelancer, but it is not my future. I learned a lot at college, but I realised in the second year that it limited my creativity. They want to put you in a box where you'll fit as a designer. I need to be free, follow my own vision and not someone else's. Ime, there is a lot of ego involved in the design business. Fuck that. 

I have a clear vision of my future: art. Reconnect with people and other artists. Step out of my comfort zone, my happy bubble. Its time to go out and meet new people. I want to share what I've learned on all facets of life. I want to learn. I want to become a better artist and better lover. I want intimacy. I need intimacy. I missed it. I've been living in my parents basement for too long! ?

I have to face my fears because I'm done with hiding. Stop projecting. 

Love. 
 

[Vitamine Water]

Self Inquiry 

Question who am I Is surrounded by awareness. Like a dark empty room without walls where the question arises in. The question itself is empty. It is surrounded by emptiness, before and after the question is asked. Repeating the question rhythmically amplifies this but not for too long because then the observer mode is lost and I get carried away by the repetition without remaining aware.

Edited December 17, 2019 by Vitamine Water

[Vitamine Water]

Strengths and weaknesses 

Here I will make a list of my strengths and weaknesses. I will keep adding items if something new pops up. 

Strenghts

• I am funny (haha?) 
• I am relaxed, chilled. Grounded. 
• I am conscious, wise. Although I don't like that label. 
• I am creative
• I am content, happy. 
• I am a good looking
• I am caring, empathetic 
• I am disciplined 
• I am a perfectionist for the things that I'm passionate about. Important distinction. 
• I am social in social situations.
• I challenge myself 
• There is a cow making noises outsidr and its distracting me lol
• I am self reflective 
• I am accepting, forgiving 
• I am vegetarian, I eat healthy

Weaknesses 

• I am easily distracted 
• I am insecure in (new) social situations 
• Overthinking 
• I am too self critical at times. Not in the flow. 
• Procrastination, work/sport related
• Avoiding new situations. Too much comfort zone. 
• I can be too easy going, lazy
• I am not fit 
• I am bad at small talk, awkward 
•  

*Initially I noticed that I didn't write "I am" before items in the weakness section. So I added I am. Because I am!! 

 

Edited December 17, 2019 by Vitamine Water

[Vitamine Water]

Random thoughts

Not knowing is the starting point. Genuine not knowing. Blank slate.

I sometimes feel confused. But im not sure what im confused about. I guess that the essence of being confused. Big part of it is the struggle of understanding my True identity. Its like a soccer match between two teams: who I think I am (the person, ego, human being) versus who I intuitivly feel I am (consciousness, awareness, emptiness). And there's the individual players who represent different aspects of my ego self, bouncing a ball between them. Shifting masks.

And then there is also the referee who says im both and neither teams at the same time. Where does that leave me?

But I know what to do. I have to dig deeper, look deeper. Deeper deeper deeper. The theoretical understanding is there but it can get in the way of direct experience. Only when I take time to meditate, do breathing exercises or just relax is when I realise im on the right track. Planting seeds. But as soon as I continue with the day, im zapped back into unconsciousness. Absorbed in objectivity, matter, stuff. No self reflectiveness. Something needs to break here.

Keep doing the breathing exercises. Extend with self inquiry. Evening meditation ealier. Keep questioning, ask myself WHO IS EXPERIENCING THIS? not only in meditation but also when im wiping my ass. ALWAYS. make this a mantra.

 

[Vitamine Water]

Self inquiry

Shut up. Who's aware? 

I have no idea who's aware. How the fuck can I objectively answer a question I ask myself? What kinda loop is that? I try to ask the question as if someone else is asking it to me, like who are you? That's crazy.

Hard to put energy behind the question who am I. To genuinely ask it without being too mechanical. Who. Am. I. 

All I perceive is a body made out of meat and some random thoughts. I identify with my body because this is all I know of being myself. I lived with this body for 23 YEARS (mind answer. Thoughts. Homeostasis. Habit) 

BUT WHO IS THE I THAT IDENTIFIES WITH THE BODY? "I"dentify. 

No I am not my body. I'm not my hands. I'm not my thoughts. I am aware of these things. Funny. But who is aware then??? 

The name Wesley is empty when asked in direct experience. It's empty. It's a mental sound. Letters. 

 

Edited December 19, 2019 by Vitamine Water

[Zigzag Idiot]

For what it's worth,,,,,

 

Becoming fixated in the Spiritual Domain, there is a swing to the dichotomies of that domain. This can manifest in a positive sense as a focus on Spirituality on one side, or Realism at the other side. It can manifest in a negative sense as Fanaticism at one extreme or Skepticism at the other extreme. These dichotomies are represented by two characters: the Believer at one end, the Doubter at the other. Prejudices invade the consciousness in this domain. The stress of being fixated and imbalanced in this domain can lead to Sensuality as a compensatory mechanism. The poisons of this domain are Ignorance, Arrogance and Stupidity.

The Trap which simultaneously restricts but potentially liberates this ego is its focus on Seeking. The Way of self-realization of this ego is the Way of Self-Awareness, which is “immensely mystical” and which entails becoming aware of one’s “internal inner clarity”.

The Holy Idea which acts as a catalyzer for the transformation of this ego is Holy Love/ Divine Love. This can lead to the Virtue (energy) of Action.

According to Ichazo, Divine Love is “The awareness that though the laws which govern reality are objective, they are not cold, because these cosmic laws inevitably lead to the creation of organic life, and Life itself, like all natural phenomena, fulfills a cosmic purpose. As soon as the mind’s word mechanism is destroyed, love, the natural condition of the mind, appears. Love begins the moment man contemplates the Creation and says, ‘Thank you, God.’ All men feel this somewhat, no animal can feel this at all. Man alone can know that all comes from God.”

from: https://www.the16types.info/vbulletin/showthread.php/48274-Oscar-Ichazo-s-enneagram-descriptions

 

[Vitamine Water]

On 19/12/2019 at 2:21 AM, Zigzag Idiot said:

For what it's worth,,,,,

 

Becoming fixated in the Spiritual Domain, there is a swing to the dichotomies of that domain. This can manifest in a positive sense as a focus on Spirituality on one side, or Realism at the other side. It can manifest in a negative sense as Fanaticism at one extreme or Skepticism at the other extreme. These dichotomies are represented by two characters: the Believer at one end, the Doubter at the other. Prejudices invade the consciousness in this domain. The stress of being fixated and imbalanced in this domain can lead to Sensuality as a compensatory mechanism. The poisons of this domain are Ignorance, Arrogance and Stupidity.

The Trap which simultaneously restricts but potentially liberates this ego is its focus on Seeking. The Way of self-realization of this ego is the Way of Self-Awareness, which is “immensely mystical” and which entails becoming aware of one’s “internal inner clarity”.

The Holy Idea which acts as a catalyzer for the transformation of this ego is Holy Love/ Divine Love. This can lead to the Virtue (energy) of Action.

According to Ichazo, Divine Love is “The awareness that though the laws which govern reality are objective, they are not cold, because these cosmic laws inevitably lead to the creation of organic life, and Life itself, like all natural phenomena, fulfills a cosmic purpose. As soon as the mind’s word mechanism is destroyed, love, the natural condition of the mind, appears. Love begins the moment man contemplates the Creation and says, ‘Thank you, God.’ All men feel this somewhat, no animal can feel this at all. Man alone can know that all comes from God.”

from: https://www.the16types.info/vbulletin/showthread.php/48274-Oscar-Ichazo-s-enneagram-descriptions

 

Thank you! These are great insights. 

"Love begins the moment man contemplates the Creation and says, ‘Thank you, God." 

This. 

[Vitamine Water]

16 hours ago, modmyth said:

@Vitamine Water  Do you feel that you have a good sense of who you are, like intuitively, in your core? Or is that the (or a) source of the confusion?

16 hours ago, modmyth said:

@Vitamine Water  Do you feel that you have a good sense of who you are, like intuitively, in your core? Or is that the (or a) source of the confusion?

Great question ?

The source of the confusion is that I'm split between two sides: one side is identity, ego, personhood, the story I've been living my life. The other side is the intuitive feeling/knowing that I am being, emptiness, Consciousness, whatever you want to call it. I am that. 

So the source of the confusion is in my mind. Its my ego. My ego knows and sees its end, and its trying very hard to maintain that sense of self. I can clearly see this because of the ego backlashes. I can also see it because I'm writing this right now, so I'm telling myself that story. And so it's becomes true. It's a trap. 

But, the more I connect with being the more I realise that as my true self. It feels like homecoming. The deepest and most comforting form of homecoming. A feeling that something was hiding for all those years and it's finnaly coming to the surface. I'm not someone that cries fast, but that shit gives me tears sometimes. In those moments of clarity and awareness, I know I am. If I look in my direct experience now, there is no story. There is no Wesley. I can't find it. 

And then the story and ego crawls back in with "Hey cool experience, but your still Wesley, dude. Come back silly. I am you! You've known me for so long!" Again, ego backlash. Doubt. 

But I'm faithful. I just have to keep pushing to challenge my ego and let it surrender to the force, while still exploring and enjoying the fruits of ego land. 

[Vitamine Water]

Random thoughts 

I'm having a bit of a ego backlash the last few days. Desire to get quick dopamine rushes (watching movies, more masturbation, wanting to play video games, very short and lazy meditations) . Unconscious flow basically. I was also in a creative flow and that has numbed down a bit too. 

The best way to get back in that flow is to keep creating and keep doing the breathing exercises, bacause I really want to. FOCUSSSSSSSSSSSS

On 17/12/2019 at 1:56 PM, Vitamine Water said:

Keep doing the breathing exercises. Extend with self inquiry. Evening meditation ealier. Keep questioning, ask myself WHO IS EXPERIENCING THIS? not only in meditation but also when im wiping my ass. ALWAYS. make this a mantra.

MAKE. THIS. A. MANTRA. 

?

Edited December 25, 2019 by Vitamine Water

[Vitamine Water]

Self inquiry 

Who am I? The minds modus operandi is to find the answer in memory. Makes sense, because that’s the life I’ve been living. That’s the familiar story. Actually the question is “who was I”? But that’s not the question. The question is who am I, now? Again, silence. 

sight seems to be the most tricky. The world is full of sight and visual stimulation. Also, feeling. The feeling of my body, sensations. But what happens if I turn them inside out? There seem to be two world. The world of nothingness, and the place of objectivity, sights, sounds, everything. And I can switch between them. Habit is to have the objectivity switch on. Of course. All the mind can know is objectivity. 

There is a tendency to avoid the question Who am I. It’s so simple yet so complicated. From egos perspective the question is silly. But also unfamiliar. Like wtf are you doing? You crazy? Mind makes it complicated. Obviously. This question cannot be answered with thinking so I should stop writing. 

What is memory? 

[Vitamine Water]

Random thoughts

Even though I’m Dutch, my thinking is English. I prefer English over dutch. I talk with myself in English. I even interview myself in my head. Future scenarios. For example, I might vision myself as a well respected and successful artist having an interview with a reporter. While I’m both the artist and the interviewer. And im getting the perfect questions and the perfect answers at the same time. It’s like a mental circle jerk lol. But It feels authentic. It brings me closer to my values as an artist. To really dig in what I feel and what I care about. Both for myself and for the world. But I smell some ego-centric tendencies now that im writing this. Writing is actually very helpful. Shout out to words. 

The English thinking makes me wonder what the source of that is. Maybe its because I grew up watching enlish shows, internet, gaming, music etc. Most things online are English ime. It also make me wonder why I’m interested in the Japanese language, or Hebrew? Why am I interested in anything at all? Is it past lives? Is it DNA? This still is a mystery to me. Maybe science can help. 

Edited December 26, 2019 by Vitamine Water

[Vitamine Water]

Fuck me sideways.

I understand the source of the random crying, the weeping. It's the overwhelming beauty of presence and being. It's my being. It's who and what I am. Its the overwhelming feeling of peace that makes the ego cry. But there is no ego, there is no me, there is no mind. There is just peace, beauty and presence. It has always been there and it will always be there. Its a re-discovering of my true self. It's the ultimate homecoming. It's as Ruper Spira describes it 'self remembering'. The feeling that I finally met myself, while i've been hiding in plain sight for so many years.

It's the recognition that i don't have to live my life the way I live it now, full of doubts, fears and insecurities. Sure, my life is good, I feel happy. But the fear is holding me down to become my true self. The self that I always envisioned myself to be. The free self. The aware self. The self that travels, socializes, meets new people and friends, the one that truly inspires. The self that isnt't caught up in thinking, but in doing. Living. Loving.

I asked myself to make me remember who I am and I realized I was talking to God.

I'm taking some time off the internet. The last two days i've been hyper present  and internet, phones, podcasts are distracting me a bit. I need to really listen and surrender to this right now. 

<3 

[Vitamine Water]

I am aware of my separate self talking

Self inquiry is the mind trying to inquiry into itself with itself.

I am observing the self inquiry process

I am aware of my thoughts formulating words

I am aware of my senses

I am ware of the sensations in my spine

I am aware of the sensatitions in my forehead

I am aware of the sounds coming from this keyboard

I am aware of the lights coming of this keyboard

I am aware of my hands

I am ware of my knees

I am aware of the dark colors in my room

I am aware of the objects in front and besides me

I am aware of my body

I am aware of my body

I am not that

I am aware of that

I am aware

I am

Silence

 

What does it mean to live my life as Myself, and not as Wesley

What does it mean to live my life as Myself, and not as Wesley

What does it mean to live my life as awareness, and not as Wesley

What does it mean to live my life as awareness

 

The body feels light. My shoulders feel light. Mind is calm. I am aware.

 

Nothing happened. Just connecting the dots  by writing for future. Don't claim or cling to these experiences.

 

-------------------- 6 jan

 

it feels like it's happening to me. It doesn't feel like i'm in control of this. The ego part of me CAN do something. It can decide not to fall back in zombie mode, by consciously not doing those things and decide to meditate or take a break instead for example. But for the rest it's all just happening. Im going through this. There is no way back. As long as I don't fall back this presence can grow.

 

The recognition of my true "I". The recognition of the true me. It's making its way through me. I don't even know what to call it and me and I anymore at this point. It's just sitting here being here. I am listening to it. I am making room for it. I am embracing it. Ego-mind wants to be in this place.

 

No clinging or claiming and let go.

Edited January 8, 2020 by Vitamine Water

[Vitamine Water]

I allow myself to take a step back

I observe my mind falling back to old habits

I allow monkey mind, I allow unconsciousness

I am aware, I am not fighting it 

Before I would feel quite down when I noticed myself slipping back into old states. But now I'm content with it. I'm very clearly observing the proces, knowing that the I Am will never be lost or forgotten. This is a phase 

Body movements and twists are ego releasing energy. 

I am aware of how much monkey mind there is

Constantly entertaining myself with thoughts 

Scenarios, interviews, questions, random conversations

Everytime I become aware its amusing to see

I'm talking to myself

I'm actually talking to MYSELF!

That's funny as hell

It's kind of childish too in a way 

 

 

 

 

[Vitamine Water]

I'm feeling a bit down. Undirected. All over te place. I'm feeling restless and uninspired. My energy levels are low. I switched from qi gong to running because I needed more cardio. Qi gong didn't to it for me at this point. I'm excited to be in the running flow. 

Meditstions are short and lazy. It's like my body mind can't handle sitting down even for 10 minutes. I get so restless. There is a tention in my throat and chest area when meditation. It makes my body feel awkward and uncomfortable. I roll over and move a lot because I can't sit still. I'm having so many unnecessary thoughts and I got angry at myself yesterday. That's some old type behaviour I'm not used to from myself.

 I am not present. I am absorbed in a lot of thinking, monkey mind and stupid videos. It takes  a lot longer before awareness kicks in. Im starting my day thinking what the fuck is my goal today. I KNOW my goal is to do art and work on my website but there is an energy block. A motivation block. An inspiration block. The best cure to that is to just do it. But I'm not liking this wave at all. 

[Vitamine Water]

Headache. Nothing much going on today. I feel unaware and not present. I am aware that this is my old self boiling up trying to grab me. And because I let it, I get dragged into unconscious behavior. I am more sensitive. Things bother me more quickly. I get irritated more quickly, whereas before these things wouldn't have bother me at all. I even noticed some jealousy towards a friend of me. It happens, but it feels very uncomfortable and unfamiliar. Not like me.

 

I tasted what it feels like to be aware. I tasted what it feels like to wake up and be aware. To take a shower and be aware. To brush my teeth and be aware. To make breakfast and be aware. I am in the moment. I am happy because of it. I am not on autopilot. I tasted I am and I am. I cannot forget this. I might be temporarily playing a different game, but i cannot forget this. I'm shooting myself in the toe by writing this but fuck it. NO MORE HIDING

 

I need to keep writing. Remember why I started this journal in the first place.

Edited January 25, 2020 by Vitamine Water

[Vitamine Water]

*Edit: this is me talking to me

Please help me be aware. Please help me be aware. Its not for me. Its for everyone else. Please help me be aware so I can be present. 
Please help me be aware so I can be relaxed and not live through thought and doubts and insecurities. So I can have a relationship and be complete. This part is missing. I have to fix myself before I can help others. I am not fixed. I need to be complete in order to help others to be complete. It's for my own happiness and that of others. I want to help others reach their happiness. Its for happiness' sake. 

//

What does it mean to live life as Myself and not as Wesley? 

Who is Wesley? 

Who is Wesley? 

I awerness am not Wesley 

Wesley is empty 

There is no substance to Wesley 

Why do I assume that I am a someone or a something? 

Why do I assume that I am someone? 

What is a someone? 

//

Edited January 27, 2020 by Vitamine Water