Mirror, mirror on the wall

[Vitamine Water]

[Vitamine Water]

Inner chatter is OFF THE CHARTS right now. I'm going full ape mode. Oe oe oe oe oe a a a a a!! 

I'm having multiple versions of conversations in my head. When one is finished, the other version starts and it must be done with full attention. I have to really feel it. Btw this is only when my mind isnt occupied with work work or hobbies. I only do it when my mind is alone with itself. Like for example right now, when I'm on the toilet taking a huge you fill in the blanks. 

Meditations is the time to reconnect. Every evening before bed I become emotional when I sit. I remember myself again. I tell myself I need not to forget. Crazy things are happening that are too abstract for me to understand, let alone write about. 

 

Edited January 31, 2020 by Vitamine Water

[Vitamine Water]

It's the ego doing the thinking

It's the ego doing the writing

It's the ego doing art

It's the ego posting on instagram

It's the ego doing meditation

It's the ego breathing in deeply

It's the ego trying to find itself

It's the ego looking outwards

It's the ego perceiving

It's the ego looking back

It's the ego going being tired

But who is the ego

What is the ego

Where is the ego

I don't know who what or where ego is

But it's actions are observed

By who? 

By what? 

What is this? 

What is this experience? 

What is this empty Ness? 

Something, someone is aware

I am aware 

Who is aware of this body? 

There is only a body perceived 

By what I don't know

There seems to only be perception

Or experience, happening 

That is only when I focus attention on the actual experience

The empty place feels more pure 

I can switch between both of them 

// link retreat //

I cannot identify with this nothingness because there is nothing to identify with. Mind attaches with form. 

[Vitamine Water]

Self inquiry 

There seem to be multiple levels of awareness. First is the experience level. Active engagement with "stuff". Absorption in objects, matter, stuff. Second one is the I that is aware of this. Like a thought or a sound. I can hear the sound, but I am not engaged in it, I am actively observing it. Being aware of the self inquiry process also falls in this category. The one that's trying to figure this out is also observed, but this experience is rare. It happens in a split second. Then I'm back at being engaged in trying to figure it out, first stage. 

Actually, thoughts are interesting. As soon as I become aware of a thought, it disappears. I've never experienced a thought casually doing its thing while at the same time being aware of it. Thoughts need engagement (first level awareness) 

The third one is awareness being aware of itself. There seems to be no engagement with objects of experience. Instead this is pure, empty experience. Engagement is not in objects but in being present. It's a clear state. 

//! Awareness is present in all these stages. It seems to come first. All other things are coming and going. 

Tbc 

Edited February 3, 2020 by Vitamine Water

[Vitamine Water]

I am listening to myself when I listen to Leo. The experience is no different than a thought in my head. When observing thoughts I am aware that Im talking to myself in my head. When leo said 'im talking to myself' it resonated with my own direct experience. There was no leo talking to wesley, there was me listening to myself and me talking to myself.

 

I want to say me=consciousness but this is not my experience. I still don't know what me is. When leo says consciousness is talking to consciousness it doesn't resonate. I don't yet have a firm understanding of what consciousness is.

 

// link insight

I asked myself to make me remember who I am and I realized I was talking to God.

 

What does it mean to be consciousness?

What does it mean to be awareness?

What does it mean to be God?

 

Can consciousness be 'be'd?'

[Vitamine Water]

I feel the pain of others. Its like im absorbing all their negative energy. Almost everyone around me seems to be going throigh difficult stuff. Relationship problems, depression, anxiety attacks, divorces, burnouts. Why is everyone around me suffering? I also felt my own pain and anxieties. My biggest one is being insecure at times. Thinking about future situations that havent even happened. I felt the pain building up yesterday before meditation. My body felt uncomfortable, awkward and restless. When I sat down I bursted out in tears. I felt emotional for all these people. My dad's work life (he suffered a hearth attack two years ago), my mothers depression, my brother's burnout, my  closest friend suffering from panick attacks due to his parents divorcing.

 

Why me? Why am I the one who doesn't suffer like them? Is it that my ego is very sneakily hiding my fears and anxieties? Seriously, why my? It seems so unfair. Why is the world so fucked up? Why seems everyone in my environment fucked up? I don't understand this.

 

And do I have the biggest ego? Im always telling myself I haven't. I look at other people and I see their big ego's. But me, no! Me??? no, i'm GOOD man!! I don't have an ego! Im super spiritual and woke! Like seriously, what the fuck am I hiding?

[Vitamine Water]

feel weird. My body is warm and light. I don't know how to explain. I feel like I'm staring into infinity. It's really like a deep stare without content. My focus is focused inwards, in my head it seems. But there is no end. It keeps zooming. I keep zooming in my head from the inside. Eyes are looking outwards but not processing objects. I notice myself getting confused. In public traffic I felt like I was on acid. You know those moment where you're so zoned out in your own world and you suddenly snap out of it? Like this but I was nowhere. My ego is very quick to label. Something is happening! This is it! Write it down! LET THE PEOPLE KNOWWWW!!!! 

Hahahahahaha

 

[Vitamine Water]

Here there is no inside or outside 

[Vitamine Water]

Yea this is all cool but what does it really mean when I fall right back asleep the next day anyway? I have this experience and the second it's over I'm back at square one and I forget? This whole reprogramming is frustrating. All I can do is keep doing what I'm doing and push a little harder each time I guess. Is there something wrong with my expectations? I'm not chasing any experiences. But I want to be awake. That seems so be a contradiction? Am I chasing Enlightenment? I don't even know wtf that is! 

Well, who wants to awaken? Question for tonight's meditation. 

AND ACTUALLY DO IT YOU LAZY MONKEY. ENOUGH WITH THE GUIDED MEDITATIONS AND SIT THE FUCK DOWN ???

Edited February 15, 2020 by Vitamine Water

[Vitamine Water]

Self inquiry 

Hardly any focus yesterday. I got a few questions out but wasn't able to really get into it. After 20 minutes I stopped. I will try again today. 

[Vitamine Water]

[Vitamine Water]

Well, I got an eye opener yesterday evening. Its time to take things more serious again. I meditated at lunch time today which was refreshing. 

I'm also trying to unravel and discover my shadow side. I read this quote about the shadow side by Carl Jung and it really fucking hit me in my core:

"Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual’s conscious life, the blacker and denser it is." 

Hmmmmmmmmmmm. Well. That's dark.

And that makes me a fucking clown too. Which actually makes sense. Well. 

More later ?

 

 

Edited February 24, 2020 by Vitamine Water

[Vitamine Water]

There are some people in my life when i'm around them I feel weird and awkward. They could be friends or strangers.  I decided to dive into that feeling of awkwardness when meditating. I thought of two friends of mine. Both amazing and good people and we get along  well. But there is some 'tension'. The kind of tension when you're around someone and you don't know what to talk about if you're in a room with them. I thought about some of these moments in my life and I let the feeling bubble up. I felt it manifest mostly in my upper torso/neck area.

 

In that moment I realized the reason why I sometimes feel uncomfortable around them and the reason is all me. I see in them what I don't  want to see in myself: insecurity. My own insecurity is reflected back to me and it's confronting. I get hyper aware and self conscious and that makes it even worse. I'm not 100% sure if they feel exactly the same. That they see in me what they don't want to see in themself. Or im just projecting my awkwardness onto them and they can feel it. Or the other way around. But there is tension and it can manifest itself in awkward silences. And me being an emotional creature, I don't want them to feel bad.

 

This insecurity is based on fear. Fear of the negative part of myself that I don't want to confront.

It's based on not loving myself enough. Or not loving myself FULLY, I must say. I am very proud of who I am and what i've become. I am happy. But this is only partial. Loving myself fully also means loving the darker side of me. Which im starting to unravel bit by bit. Writing this already brings a subtle feeling of fear and vulnerability. 

 

As Jordan Peterson wisely said: "Face the dragon and get the gold"

 

And I know how I'm going to face the dragon, but that's for another post

 

*subtly procrastinates into corner*

[Vitamine Water]

(note to self) 

You done hiding? You lazy piece of shit. You're talking the talk but not walking the walk. you fucking piece of furniture

Its been 3 months of sleep and excuses. Let's jump back in the cold water.

My  biggest fear is judging myself negatively. My biggest fear is having negative thoughts about myself. My biggest fear is my  own thoughts. I am afraid of my own thoughts. The thoughts  are mine. I am afraid of myself. I am in my own way. I don't know why I create this fear. I don't know why this ego is creating the fear. i don't know why it is that the ego hates itself. Why the fuck does my ego hate itself? why the fuck do hate myself? The last thing i want is to have negatieve thoughts about myself, so i create this positive self image and i tell everyone that im super positive and super happy. I fear feeling negative or bad about myself. I project this fear on others. I am creating stories why other people hate or can't stand themselves. I focus this outwards because the mechanism doesn't want to focus on itself. Projection is the self defense mechanism.

 

I am too self conscious and too self reflective.  I make awkward eye contact because i see myself in others peoples eyes. I see myself in others poeple's eyes and my ego doesn't like it. Even with my own family I noticed this. Here the awkwardness is a self defense mechanism. Here the looking away is a self defense mechanism. Its the stupid little ego thats looking away because it wants to feel shit about itself. Why the fuck do I do this to myself? Why the fuck do I make myself do this?

 

It would make sense that I feel resistance right now but I don't. This little smeagol inside of me has to stop hiding, this pathetic little monster that is my thoughts.

[Vitamine Water]

God dammit this is so frustrating. Why do I keep forgetting? Every evening when I meditate I remember and as soon as I wake up I forget. How can I be so locked in this movie? Why is my attention so focused and absorbed in this fucking dream world? I have tears in my eyes realising what I am and as soon as I wake up the next morning I fucking forget and it's frustrating. Its frustrating to my damn ego. I'm doing this to myself. How many times do I have to repeat this to myself? How many times do I have to remember myself why I am? I'm in a fucking loop, everyday feels the same, and everytime I sit and I ask myself or whoever to remember and be this place. Because this place is who I am. This place is peace. This place can live with all the fears and Insecurities. This place can watch this whole ffin movie without being involved in it. This place is me. But I guess I'm just too fucking stubborn to listen. 

 

 

[Vitamine Water]

When I was a kid I remember thinking that I didn't want to grow older. I felt that growing older meant losing the freedom I had as a kid. When I was 9, the day before my 10th birthday, I remember feeling sad and depressed because becoming 10 years of age would mean TWO digits instead of just one. We were also moving to a different place and it all just felt like a new chapter that I wasn't ready for.

 

My childhood has been so amazing and fun and I didn't want it to end. And until this day I've carried this mindset with me, unconsciously. A girlfriend would mean the end of a playful, free era. Sex would mean the end of being a child and the start of being a man. Deep down I don't want to grow old. That's maybe also why I also still live with my parents at 23 years of age. I keep holding on to this safe space.

 

As a kid, freedom meant doing whatever I want, exploring boundaries and being a very social kid. Now I see freedom as being alone, making art and staying in my comfort zone.
And the ultimate freedom is a combination of those two.

 

It's time to grow up and explore. And be the self I always was as a kid.

[Vitamine Water]

It's hard to admit but Spirituality and personal development is currently not so high on my agenda. I have all kinds of reasons and excuses but it is the way it is. There are no more 'aha I'm wakey wakey' moments during the day and for me, that is a reflection of how much work I put into Spirituality. I'm asleep. My wishful thinking tells me the alarm clock will go off soon. 

Also, life is fucking complex and weird. That's how I currently see it. It might be different in two weeks. That makes life even more complex and weird. I also feel like I'm talking to an abbys. 

But I'm also feeling great. My webshop is opening in a few weeks and I'm in the flow. And the next moment I'm not. 

 

 

Edited June 16, 2020 by Vitamine Water

[Vitamine Water]

IT'S TIME TO FINNALY STOP WHINING AND ACTUALLY START DOING STUFF. I'M NOT LIVING MY FULLEST POTENTIAL, I'M GETTING FAT AND LAZY AND I'M PROCRASTINATING LIKE WHAAAAAAAT. It's annoying as fuck. 

God damn this energy feels good. I need to get off my lazy ass and take responsibility. Last month I worked my ass off 12+ hours a day. It reminded me of the importance of discipline and proper work ethic. And now that this work is over I HAVE to implement it in my daily life. I CANNOT dull down and become lazy again. I CANNOT watch YouTube videos all day and pretend like I'm working hard on my website and art while at the same time jerking off and sleeping multiple ours during the day. 

STOP. WHINING. YOU LAZY FAT INSECURE FUCKFACE. YOU'RE GETTING NOWHERE WITH THIS BETA MALE PEOPLE PLEASING BULLSHIT. YOU'RE INSECURE AS FUCK. YOU NEED TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY AND TAKE YOUR MASCULINITY BACK. 

Interesting. I'm actually yelling to myself. But it helps. Someone needs to yell this in my face too. It Kinda feels good? 

 

[Vitamine Water]

BATTLE PLAN

Starting tomorrow morning: 

- wake up at 8:00. 

- shower. Wake up. 

- breakfast 

- 30 minute run. Or longer. 

- 1 minute cold shower. 

- after shower: freelance work (webshop, VR website, painting)

- lunch at 12:00 - 13:00

- freelance work untill 17:00

- dinner at around 18:00/19:00

- after dinner: relaxing. Doing additional work in the evenings. Mostly doodling or website.

- usual meditation at 23:00. Sitting with spine up. Not lying down. 

- set the fucking alarm at 08:00 and shut the fuck up bitch. 

Repeat for the next 30 days. One month. 

Note:

I'm taking it relatively slowly for my doing. Doing cold turkey all at once doesn't help for me. I need to gradually build things up. Running is going to be the biggest challenge. Mornings are NOT my pleasure AT ALL. Evenings is where I shine. But running (physical health) creates a goal and a reason to get up in the morning. Vague abstract conceptual and wishful thinking about "being a great artist" isn't gonna wake me up. 

Edited June 18, 2020 by Vitamine Water

[Vitamine Water]

I'm actually so ffin hyped about opening my webshop. I wil put the link here on the forum for the people who are interested. I think I'll make a post here on my art too. I kept this shit so private all the time and why? I need to share my stuff with more people in order to make an impact. Success isn't gonna fall on my lap out of nowhere. I'm very very proud of my stuff and I think people need to see it and feel it.