accepting reality as it is

[Ingit]

I have very bad habit over  one and a half year Due to conditioning. Questioning thoughts whatever they appear and believing them true and getting unhappy (whereas a part of me is aware of their untruthfullness) .... fearing from my thoughts... recently I had my learning shifts in Psychiatric hospital and I was into too much of history of the patients... Like they told me how they were hallucinating and hearing voices and I would become sad every time I come back to my dorm. Thoughgs would pop up and make me think that what If I started hallucinate and there was an intense emotion and fear.....and still that affects me ! I have started to become more conscious of outside sounds.... I want to wnd. Self Doubting emotions and thoughts and want to see them clear... I am meditating....daily for over nearly 2 years... sometimes I am wuite aware and at peace with mind... some time I dont catch up and gets into my mind... i want to break old patterns... I will take in account day by day and update my journal over here and my progress. I WANT TO SEE TRUTH ?

[Ingit]

Today As I was having a walk with my friend, I noticed myself how I was getting influenced by his talking... there were feeling getting generated inside me and I started to feel sad But i controlled myself and replied him the least. As I got home I was feeling the same feeling sadness and inner weird feelings around my head.... And Also there Is a constant feeling inside me I don’t know why but I dont allow it instead I found myself constructing thoughts around it and it is constant from over a year.

[Ingit]

WAke up this morning,,,,,felt strange feeling like something is holding me back like a slight tight pulling me backwards a resistance type...with thoughts describing it as there us problem with my head........today I tried not to indulge much in that....just being with the feelings and watching out for thoughts associated with that.

[Ingit]

Wen to the supermarket experienced the same feeling of not acceptance of feelings coming through past conditioning m... I can feel how there were continuous feelings of getting out of the mart and sadness and thought associated with it.... I can recognize the continous feeling still now in the moment. I dont want to run amI want to stay with it I know my ego is trying to sustain it... Today as I talked with the cashier on the counter I felt head shaking while I was taking is like the all the social anxiety I have accumulated over years... i feel like I am always rejecting my feelings instead thoughts form arpund on the... my next step will be Be with the feeling what ever it is and whatever it brings... Let  see if i can stick to it...

[Ingit]

today as I went to the supermarket my intentions were to remain fully present even when I am standing in line and to start focusing on my feets and the sensations......... but at last while I was on the cash outlet....there was some bare code missing on some of the items and cashier told me to wait and I soon felt myself that my mind started just passing judgements that what the cashier was thinking about me and whether she likes me or not......I was aware but there was intense magnetic pull that I failed to focus on my feet sensations and I was continually into thinking and also there was social anxiety and also I found out how I was continually trying to Look on my mobile to escape the present situation of waiting. focusing on body sensations became quite difficult and it was like I was  possessed badly by my mind. * and once I came out of the supermarket I realized this all.    Next Time I would be more cautious.

[Ingit]

Just writing After Meditation: ?‍♂️ not a strong insight just a little... At the end of the morning 10 min. Meditation session I realised that there was something was going inside my mind eyes closed still chaos inside my mind that I was perceiving and then I opened my eyes and there was like what Was happening when I had my eyes closed.