Belief Deconstruction

[Raptorsin7]

I'm going to use this journal to deconstruct my beliefs about reality. I'm going to question everything i believe to be true of direct experience, and try to get at the truth of all my beliefs about reality. 

I feel like I understand the non-dual nature of reality. But honestly i'm not sure. Sometimes I feel like I get it then I get pulled into another thought story about my life and engage some weird procrastination behavior. I've realized everything is a distraction to understanding the truth, and there is a lot of resistance when I turn my attention to the feeling of me. This is actually a good thing. The resistance I feel when attention goes to my self is a sign that something important is happening there. When in doubt follow the resistance until I can learn the truth.

This is the frontier. I'm about to take my first steps down a path that will change the rest of my life. I'm making a bold prediction then I will be enlightened or at the very least unconditionally happy by the time winter break is over. 

[Raptorsin7]

I am unhappy. 

Why do I believe i'm unhappy? Because i expect something different than my current life. Where is the amazing feel? Where are my close friends, and girlfriend? Why don't I feel happy?

Why Don't I feel happy? I don't know. But when I turn my attention to myself, I don't feel happy. So what do I feel?

So what I do feel right now? I feel the feeling of my third eye in my head region. I feel a slight tingle/numbness in my feet. I feel a sensation in my jaw. I feel my clothes on my body? I don't feel bad. But i don't feel great either.

Why do I want to feel great? I don't know why I want to feel great... I've had this belief for a long time but when i just asked this in the present momentI didn't know what to say. 

Why do i want to be happy? I can't really answer this one either right now. This is interesting... Do i not really want to be happy? Do I even give a fuck about happiness? If i don't want happiness then what I do want. Is what i want truth? And is truth love? I have noticed on this forum that there are not a lot people searching for happiness. But there are a lot of people searching for truth and awakenings. 

Maybe we only want to feel good and feel happiness when something is wrong or when we are actively unhappy or not feeling good. But once we overcome those feels of sadness and not feeling good then maybe we no longer seek happiness. 

When my attention goes to the feeling of me, and then i think about what I want then I don't really want anything. Hmm. Is this a huge insight or am i deluding myself with thinking. 

I think I need to stop looking for happiness. It might just be enough to recognize not good feelings as being lost in thought, and then just return to that feeling of me. I think the feeling of me is the non-dual awareness. I think i'm recognizing my true nature for moments at a time and then my ego or thoughts just come and suck me up again. This keeps happening over, and over, and over again.

Conclusion:

Stop trying to be happy. Happiness is not what I want. I think truth is enough. Sit with truth all day, everyday, for as long you can.  The truth is you, the feeling of me. You are it. 

I might be off here though because i haven't had a huge aha moment with sparks etc. But people did say the shift would be subtle...

[Ingit]

So when In doubt Follow the resistance..... Wont it be misleading in certain situations? Explain

[Raptorsin7]

@Ingit I'm just talking shit. I'm not enlightened, don't listen to what i say as truth. I just said it cuz it felt right. Watch Leo's video about how to ace life. He talks about the role of resistance in improving your life.

When your meditating though my advice would be investigate where you are scared to go, or are afraid to go.

[Ingit]

@Raptorsin7 gotcha ?

[Raptorsin7]

This what I believe is true of reality:

The voice inside my head. The person. Me. Tj. This person think it's controlling the experience. But in reality there is just an experience happening right now. And the real me, the feeling of me, is always present as the experience. You are the entire experience. Always. You just convinced yourself that you were the one directing experience. Eventually the voice in my head will lose control. Slowly but surley I must loosen the grip of the person, the thought story, on my life. The story needs to surrender to the present. The present is where I live. The real me lives in the present. 

I wonder if my intellectual understanding of non-duality is just beyond my actual experience so i'm misinterpreting things? This is consistent with what @Nahm said but i'm not sure.