Removing Should-statements And Eventually Reaching Enlightenment

[JKG]

 

[Mango1998]

@quantum I know this feeling. You know how hard it was for me to do my license and at the actual exam I did not give a shit about my license because I was tired of being worried and giving all my best and all that crap, so I told to me: "Amina, you don not care anymore, if you fail or pass because it does not matter." And tada it worked. I passed my exam:)

 

[JKG]

11 minutes ago, Mango1998 said:

@quantum I know this feeling. You know how hard it was for me to do my license and at the actual exam I did not give a shit about my license because I was tired of being worried and giving all my best and all that crap, so I told to me: "Amina, you don not care anymore, if you fail or pass because it does not matter." And tada it worked. I passed my exam:)

 

No, this is very different. This feeling comes from CORE assumptions that I have made. These core assumptions influence almost EVERYTHING I do. Every emotion, every thought, every action, almost. And this fear is not just a "normal" fear. It is an existential fear. This goes way deeper than just passing an exam. It is about surviving or dying. And the ego does not want to die, it wants the self-image to persist.

[JKG]

Why do I get angry?

People are occupying MY free time in which I could do something more useful to develop myself.
I have planed something with MY time and they destroy those plans.
I cannot control my time. I am out of control with my life. I am incapable of controlling.

What do I fear?

I fear losing the support of my family.
I fear being completely on my own.
I fear being rejected by all of society.
I fear failing, having no money left, no place to be, no help by friends, so that I have to come back home, have to ask for support, and just get rejected.
I fear being hated by my family. Rejected.
I fear getting hated, rejected, not loved by anyone.

[JKG]

Review of 2016

The new year started pretty shitty. My mood was down and I think the reason for it was a lack of purpose. For Christmas my father bought us a pretty good telescope and for me two books about astronomy stuff. I studied astronomy a bit and kind of came to the conclusion that there is absolutely no meaning in life. The universe is soo huge and one human being makes absolutely no difference at all neither humanity. We are just some particles, some matter, some energy ordered in a certain way. The universe still expands or eventually collapses and everything will become so dense again. I still think that this is true but I made the wrong conclusion. I took it a nihilistic way. I was too deep into rationality. I didn't see the beauty of this.
At that time in my mind the only possible, reasonable life purpose was it to contribute to science, physics, mathematics, astronomy, etc., although the discoveries again would have been meaningless. So I started researching a bit, studying a bit, reading a bit.
But I was not fulfilled. I had no meditation highs anymore like I used to a few months prior. I was stuck with my old bad habits and even slided back into some habits that I already have overcome. I ate a lot, I spent a lot of time on the internet, wasted time with other activities... I had nothing meaningful to do. I even didn't liked it to have no homework to do. I remember one day that I had nothing to do and that I felt so empty.
Then in the middle of February my father decided that I should begin with my driver license. I finally had something to do. I could study for the theoretical test. I always listened to the same songs, again and again. Now I associate these songs so much with my driver license stuff. I loved it to have practical driving lessons. After every lesson I was kind of just waiting for the next one. Then after about three months I got my driver license without failing any tests. I have stuffed the emptiness with diver license stuff.

Another reason for the deep phase was that I got injured. On the first day of the year I went running. I decided that I would start the year with a long run (13km, this is long for me). I felt great, but as I got home I felt pain in the front of my left foot. This meant that I could not run and I loved running at that time. I could not run for two or three months. I got into biking, going on a crosstrainer or doing bodyweight exercises and stretching instead. I hated that. And I didn't make any progress. I was stuck.
After my injury had cured I got into more endurance sport again but it was more balanced - half of the time endurance and the other half of the time strength. But in the summer I identified again more with endurance, then after the summer again more strength, and from fall on again more balanced. I know, I change my priorities a lot.
I noticed when I get to rigid with either endurance or this strength stuff I identify myself too much with it. And when I don't get results and progress I suffer. Balance is important and as well as doing it out of fun and intuition.
At the moment I have relatively little identification with sports. I do what I want, intuitively. I noticed that I don't like strength stuff so much. I rather like endurance and something like yoga, stretching, handstand...

I don't know what the exact trigger was but somewhen in May or June my overall mood became better. I discovered the website and app "Habitica". I tried to improve my habits with it. It kind of worked for a month but it was very neurotic. I also was finally able to purchase the Life Purpose Course with he help of my best friend. This was a huge thing. I went through the whole course in two weeks while cleaning up my whole room. My results were okay. I still don't know my exact life purpose but I got a good perspective and good understanding about the whole topic.
I began to work on my life purpose in the summer holidays. At the time it was "I spread consciousness through teaching wisdom." I began reading philosophy books and tried to write blog articles. I also thought about creating a permaculture garden where I can teach enlightenment related stuff.
Later the life purpose shifted to making art (fractals) through programming or through programming something else. One thing that I am very clear about is my impact statement: contributing to increase the consciousness of humanity. Right now I feel like I want to coach people. I want to bring them more in touch with their emotions, help them with their shadow work, make them more open-minded, etc.  

At the beginning of the summer holidays I went with my father into the Alps. With a group we hiked over them in about eight days with a 10kg backpack. I really enjoyed the nature, the beautiful landscape and the physical exercise. I was by far the fittest one of the group. But I really disliked the very unhealthy food there.
Afterwards I often thought about doing such a tour again in the future. And some habits improved. I ate less raisins and oats.

In the fall holidays I went with my family to Denmark for two weeks like every year. I finally wanted to move from just doing the theory to doing the practical stuff. Therefore I committed to not using the internet for one week. It worked out and I got a lot of stuff done. I did a lot of shadow work, meditation, self inquiry, visualization, values assessments, self-love... I also began to discover my whole belief-system, my identifications, etc.
In the second week I began to use the internet again but less. I also had a little awakening experience or just a meditation high. At one moment in self-inquiry I began to feel soo much love. It lasted for a day or two.  

I started to become more authentic and go out of my comfort zone - at least a little bit. I questioned cultural norms and stopped removing hair so often. At the moment I don't shave my legs, my armpits only once in a while, and do nothing with the bit of facial hair anymore. Well, it is easier in the winter. I will probably shave more regularly again in summer - or maybe not, it depends on my courage at that time.
At home I don't wear bras anymore, even in the summer in T-Shirts. In the winter it is again easier because I mostly wear just hoddies. Sometimes I even don't wear a bra in school when it is not so visible. I also wash my hair only once or twice a week and endure having oily hair - my parents don't like that at all.
Because I cleaned up my wardrobe and minimized my amount of clothes, I wear often the same clothes. In school they probably think that this would be very unhygienic.
I started becoming more honest. I tell my best friend some rather uncomfortable stuff regularly, wrote an honest letter to a former best friend and became more honest with my mother. I begin to feel more into my emotions, look at all my judgments and listen to my intuition.

In November I purchased the booklist, again with the help of my best friend. She also ordered me the books "Neti Neti Meditation", "The Book of Not Knowing" and "Zen Body-Being". I got into a very good reading habit effortlessly. More little insights and discoveries about myself followed. I am slowly implementing all of it. I will be getting more books in the future.

I think 2016 was until now the best year of my life. I think I say/think this every year since I got onto this personal development track (2014?). I finally feel like I see a little part of the exponential growth curve that lies in front of me. What will life be like in 5,10,15,20 years?  

 

Thoughts on 2017

2017 will be the year. The year of the years. The year for which I have been waiting for such a long long time. It will be the year in which I will turn 18 and finish school. Little J used to think "Wow, 2017 will be the year of the years. I will finally be independent. And so grown up. But it will take so long until I am there."

I will gain more freedom and a bit more independence from my parents. But together with this freedom will come uncertainty and fear. I am confused about what I should do. Should I go to university? And then to which university and which major. Should I move out? This road would be more certain but would also "imprison" me for 3 to 5 years and maybe even more. Or should I do something else like taking a gap year and travel. And should I after the gap year go to university or take on the call for my life purpose. This would be the very uncertain path, the path with fear and resistance, which my family would dislike soo much. I am confused.

Well, there is one thing I do know. I want to follow my intuition. I trust my intuition to guide me through those tough decisions. It will take the right decision. I will just have to take the courage to follow the decision. And if it choses the uncertain path there will be sooooooooo much resistance. AAWWHWWWAAHAW!!!

Another thing is that I want to go to a 10 day vipassana retreat. And I want to finally work on my eating habit.

 

Should I decide on a motto for 2017? What about "Shut up and follow the intuition"?

[JKG]

Questions to answer before you die

Hello there, I am J and I died yesterday.

Now you might ask how I died. Well, I was 114 years old. The last years of my life I just spent mostly meditating in my little cabin in the woods near a ecovillage. I went to bed - really peaceful, quiet, calm after helping at the ecovillage in the permaculture gardens. After this day of physical work I slept in. And didn't woke up again. I died a really easy death, no pain, no nothing. I didn't even notice it. And now I am here.

I want to apologize. I want to apologize to my mother. I never showed to her how much I value her dedication to raising me and my sister. She was a really good mother. She loved us, was there for us and cared for us. She understood me. She was soft and not so hard like my father. She even quited her job because of her pregnancy with me. 
I apologize to my sister that in her childhood I was sometimes mean and acted like my father.
I want to apologize to my father, that I never showed him my love, that I didn't fulfilled his expectations and brought him suffering and fear. I never told him that I was grateful for that he provided my family a comfortable and safe life, with no worries about money, with some vacations, with good food. He cared so much for the future of me and my sister. And he didn't receive goods from his effort. Not from me, my sister, nor my mother.
I apologize to my grandfather that I didn't spent much time with him. I didn't even know that he was ill and I never was able to say goodbye to him. He is already gone for so long.
I apologize to my grandmother that I also didn't spent much time with her. I never appreciated all of her gifts so much and I didn't cared for her wellbeing.
I apologize to my other grandparents for not talking with them much, just taking for granted everything they do and give to me.
I apologize to my uncle that I never showed my love really back.
I apologize to my godmother that I spent almost no time with her and never gave her something back.

Whom do I need to tell "I love you" to? Well, to many people because I never said "I love you" to almost anyone. I'd like to say "I love you" to my mother, my father, my grandparents, my uncle, my cousins, my friends, the rest of my family and all the people who care and support me, with all my heard, really meaning it.

What things would I have done differently? I wouldn't have taken school so seriously and spent my childhood more with other activities like socializing, making friends, maybe taking a exchange year, going traveling for some years. I would have learned these rather basic skills like communication and making life experiences. Expressing my emotions and being authentically, being myself. I wouldn't have gone to university. I would have developed myself internally, living at a place with like-minded people, maybe in an ecovillage or spiritual community. I would have meditated a LOT and then went began to teach people while traveling around the world, making a little business out of it. And somewhen I eventually settled down and build my own community. And people from this community spread and built their own communities around the world too.
And what about this particular year 2016? Mmmmh, what would I have done differently. I could just think of using my willpower more and making a habit out of changing habits. I struggled really with this eating habit. I would have taken the willpower, sat through this challenge of eating less and finally made it. Then I would have had way less days on which I just felt miserable because of overeating.

What things are you glad you did? I am very very glad that I found this path of personal development and later the spiritual path. Oh man, what would my life have been without meditation at all. I am so grateful that I have met my best friend. At the beginning I hated her but then... She changed my life, brought me into Buddhism which later turned towards the seeking of Enlightenment inspired by actualized.org . She made me more open-minded and aware of different lives, different cultures. Thank you @Mango1998 , so much!
I am glad that all of this happened so early in my life, that I was still open-minded enough as a little teenager. I am grateful for installing this meditation habit from so early on. And then I am grateful for making bold life changed, breaking out of this cycle which my parents wanted me to go. Thanks whatever for giving me the courage to break out!

What will people mostly remember about me? People often tell me that I radiate this calmness. I want to be remembered for that. For bringing people in touch with the present moment when they are around me. That they have this feeling of secureness and love around me. That I have helped so many people breaking out of the "orange"-cycle, the speed of life and that I have opened for them the possibility of more. That there is more to life, that one just has to be open-minded enough and then to see radical, beautiful, mind-blowing possibilities. That I have spread consciousness and open-mindedness into the world and have influenced so many people, even if it just was indirectly.

What legacy am I leaving behind? Well, I have built an amazing community with spiritual people. A place for presence, love, helping each other, spiritual purification, freedom and spiritual development. I have influenced many other people also built their own spiritual communities around the world. I have influenced the whole world, brought open-mindedness and consciousness around the world. I have changed the life of many people around. And these people will influence many many other people after may time in the 22th century. This will become a chain-reaction of consciousness and open-mindedness. Humanity will transform into turquoise with my help.
But what legacy would I leave behind when I would have died on the 31th December 2016? Maybe some people would remember me as meditating a lot and inspiring them a little bit for eating healthier or moving more. But not so much.

If I would get another chance to live life from the beginning on, what would I now have the courage to do that I didn't have before? I would express my emotions fully, from the beginning on. I would never repress my emotions. I would be as authentically as possible and just do whatever I want. I would take on the call of my hero's journey completely. I would totally commit to spirituality and my life purpose. I would live out my life purpose to the fullest. What else should I do? I would never let my family and negatively people, who don't have the results that I want, hold me back.  I would only listen to the people having the results that I want and to my inner wisdom, my intuition, my inner muse. Oh year, I will!

(I didn't reread this text, so there could be weird sentences)

[JKG]

I just noticed that I have started to implement almost every little habit which I wrote on my Intuition Incubator list and did almost every item on my Intuition-Incubator-to-do-list. Very very pleased with this. And it feels like I have made a lot of progress, just in the last week. The last few days have been filled with so many negative emotions - anger and fear. I have dealt with them. Now was the first day with rather positive emotions. So grateful right now about this progress. If all of 2017 would be like this, wow.

[JKG]

What I've learned

• it is important to let the blood circulate regularly to activate the lymphatic system many times throughout the day
• raise your frequency to attract what you want
• visualize abundance to attract money
• there are relative truths which we have to design our lives around, but there is also the absolute Truth
• Christmas is absurd, but you can get out of this tradition
• feel to feel more
• my father distracts himself from a lot of inner emotional pain with music, food, the internet, little technical projects, everything...
• surroundings rob your energy; that's why monks live in monasteries
• feeling-awareness != concept of feeling
• I need to be more vulnerable and to show my vulnerability
• Soft or Hard?
• Polarities: If I want the one, there has to be the other
• Victim - Victor
• Feeling = physical + emotional
• adapting to the principles of the human body -> effortlessness
• experiencing negative emotions and letting is happen is like detoxification of the mind
• insights will let you learn faster
• 5 principles of effortless power
  • relaxing
  • feeling the whole body
    + spacial awareness
  • finding the center
  • being grounded
  • being calm
• I want to express my emotions fully
• I want to build a conscious community
• my family is very blue. And I see how easy it is to stay in this stage forever. You can focus so much on all this family stuff and never get to see something outside of this stage
• being willing to experience the unwanted and dropping resistance will eliminate fear and anger
• Pre-mortem technique
  before you begin a project visualize a spectacular failure
  make a list of causes of failure
  find solutions for potential failures and implement them
• You just have to ask!

How I moved forward

• cleaning up my room and wardrobe a bit
• standing a lot at my new standing desk
• writing long emails to my friend
• finishing my list of values
• making my morning routine stick
• buying more vegetables
• doing yoga/stretching in the morning with dorsiflexion exercises
• normally not using the internet until 10am
• reading and making notes on Zen Body-Being
• making mind maps about the Book of Not Knowing
• doing a lot of shadow work and bottom-line contemplation
• contemplating taking a gap year
• learning stuff from Teal Swan
• feeling emotions
• doing little comfort zone challenges
• uncovering my childhood vows
• analyzing my father
• writing a review about 2016
• doing a death contemplation exercise
• beginning to collect arguments for taking the gap year
• going for walks
• rereading the Book of Not Knowing
• doing relaxation exercises
• running around outside in a shirt (0 degree Celsius)
• drinking tea instead of eating snacks
• beginning to read "Radical Honesty"
• doing the Pre-mortem technique

What my intuition is telling me lately

• removing all the red colors out of my room and bringing more nature into my room
• visualizing more
• eating less sweet stuff and more vegetables
• preparing the gap year more
• acting slowwwww
• using this forum only twice a day
• letting my father see what I do all day
• never making commitments. I hate commitments!
• doing more feeling-awareness exercises
• not meditating in the morning, but when I am fully awake and alert to concentrate on the meditation
  using the time in the morning to discover emotional stuff while the house is completely silent
• doing an experiment with sprouts next to a wlan rooter
• trying  to explain my idea of the gap year to my mother and see how she reacts

What I did differently

• putting ginger into my smoothies
• singing while biking quietly
• doing running exercises while running pass an old couple
• singing quietly while biking pass other people
• standing on the middle of the road (while no cars where in sight)
• smiling to people sitting in the car driving by

 

Happy new year. Will 2017 be the best year of your life.

Edited January 1, 2017 by quantum

[JKG]

Sample Bottom-Line Contemplation

subject of contemplation: why it feels uncomfortable to show love

I don't want to show love. It is okay with my sister, but when other people see that we cuddle I feel so weird. I don't want other people to see that. It feels uncomfortable.

I have fear, some kind of fear.

They could see underneath my skin, underneath my facade. They could see a part of my authentic self while they haven't seen the authentic me yet.

They could see my true emotions and that feels embarrassing, uncomfortable.

I think the same goes for the emotions/feelings of sadness, fear, hurt and unconditional love. It is embarrassing to come out of meditation with the feeling of unconditional love for everyone, calmness, bliss.

Why is it uncomfortable to me that others could see and know my true emotions?

It feels as if they could hurt me. They could go behind the facade with their hands and do something that I don't want/like. Like they could tickle a little, naked, helpless infant without protection.

What could they do to me without the protection of the facade? They could see my vulnerability. The y could see that I get easily hurt when somebody says something mean to me. They could judge me because of my vulnerability, laugh at me, joke around with me. They simply could hurt me.

And the negative emotions could arise after they have left the protection of my facade. I would cry, go away to be alone and protected and feel bad. Emotions of being not strong enough, inadequate, weak, not worthy, self-guilt,  not being appreciated, not being loved, without help or support, all on my own.

I don't have the control about what happens to me when I open the facade. I could get pushed around and feel so bad afterwards.

I run away from this fear of being seen vulnerable through anger, hiding or denying that I feel bad. I don't want anyone getting too close to me except for my sister, with her it is no problem.

It is like a threat to my life. They could kill me easily behind the facade because behind the facade I am not strong but helpless and weak.

I have to hide my vulnerability through a fence where other people cannot look behind. But when they get to see through it they can see the vulnerable me with cannot protect itself. Therefore the ego has to maintain and strengthen the fence. It defends the fence by hiding or simply going away from uncomfortable situations. It maintains the fence by keeping up my self-image and the opinions others have about me. And it strengthens the fence by fixing bad, inadequate parts of the self and finding new identifications. When I feel inferior the fence gets threatened, when I feel superior the fence gets strengthened.

(I wrote this text this morning after waking up on a piece of paper. Not edited afterwards. It took me about an hour)

[JKG]

Components of Sadness

Why does sadness arise? Why does it exist in human awareness? What is it build upon? What is its use?

• an unwanted experience
• being powerless/helpless to change the unwanted experience
• an event happening in the past and the possibility of the future

His could be applied to things like...

• the death of a loved one
• chemtrails
• seeing animals or other people suffer

How to eliminate sadness? Simply eliminate one of the components.

• not not-wanting the unwanted experience
• not resisting the unwanted experience - embracing it, not wanting to change it
• being completely in the present moment - eliminating the possibility of time and therefore the possibility of a better future

[Dragallur]

@quantum chemtrails are conspiracy theory that does not have proper evidence, why does it make you sad?

[JKG]

Just now, Dragallur said:

@quantum chemtrails are conspiracy theory that does not have proper evidence, why does it make you sad?

How can you say that. Have you experienced it yourself? Did you really consider all the evidence? Be open! Practice Not-Knowing!

Honestly I have not really researched the subject enough to say that I know this for certain. I can never know this for certain. Anything. I have only watched four YouTube videos yet. I can imagine that this is true. And if it is true it would be horrible.

Discuss this rather here:

 

[JKG]

Honesty

I started reading "Radical Honesty" and take a break from reading "Zen Body-Being". I want to really implement the books that I am reading now and I felt like I need this break to implement all the exercises for feeling-awareness by Peter Ralston. Radical Honesty is more practical for me at the moment.

I think that I really assumed that I was an honest person. But now I read the part about the levels of truth. I have so much resistance. I feel it inside my whole body. I see how homeostasis is kicking in already. I see how my mind manipulates me and wants me to just continue like in the past. But now its the time.

I somehow came up with these new affirmations while singing on the bike: "I have the courage to do whatever I want", "I am free to do whatever I want" and "I'll do whatever I need to do to make my dreams come true" (I like the rhyme at this one). They are helping me to stay on track. 

My biggest challenge that I am working on now is writing an honest letter to my father. There was an event a couple of days ago when he came into my room, saw that I was reading, saw my notes and told me that I am insane, that I should worry about the opinions of others, that what I am doing is wasting my time, I should use my time better............... In the meditation my monkey mind got crazy, came up with thousands of answers and the intuition decided that I simple NEED to write an honest letter to him about everything I think right now. I have already made notes on the content of the letter. Today I started writing it. I feel a lot of resistance.

I just need to write the letter, reread the letter and give it to him. Nothing more. Shut up and follow the intuition.

Another thing that my intuition is telling me to do: telling my mother in person that I am asexual. I'll have to make notes on this one again, think about what I want to say and then just shut up and follow the intuition.

And I have to confess something to my best friend.

These are just three things that I came up with now but there are so many other things that I also have to say. Just these three things are already very challenging. So much resistance. A real comfort zone challenge I guess. AWWWAAWAWWWWHHHHHAAAAWWWW!!!!!!!!!

This is real spiritual purification and personal growth.

Shut up and follow the intuition.

[JKG]

Videos that are changing my mind right now - mind fuck!

(I don't expect anyone to watch all of these videos. It is just for me to document my way of thought for later. But if you do keep an OOOOPPPPEN MIND)

This point at about 24:00 really hit me. I just experienced it a few hours ago that I saw the sun and a half moon at the sky at the same time. Why the hell is there a curved shadow??

They don't want us to see the Truth. They are hiding it from us, distracting us from it, our whole life is just a distraction, a massive one that feels so real.

[Dragallur]

40 minutes ago, quantum said:

This point at about 24:00 really hit me. I just experienced it a few hours ago that I saw the sun and a half moon at the sky at the same time. Why the hell is there a curved shadow??

Because they are not at the same distance, Sun is 150 mil. km away which is why. Basically Sun is shining on Moon from huge distance and we are looking little bit from the side, but compared to the whole picture we are really small there. If Moon would be making its own light I bet people from Apollo would notice.

[JKG]

17/1/5

I feel like I just have to write down all the insights I had today. If I'd just imagine that I would progress this fast like today or like in the last 5 days for the rest of 2017 - wow. Everything in a nutshell is: be radically(!!!...!!!!) open minded (nothing is like it seems, its all a distraction) and follow your intuition to get all of the insights life has to offer.

The morning started off pretty normal, just that I woke up 15min earlier than normal (5:30am). I felt so secure, so good, so amazing waking up from sleeping on the floor. I thought something like "life is amazing, thank you for this amazing life." I distracted myself a little bit with my phone but then was ready to start the day with "more productive" stuff at about 6am. I continued reading Radical Honesty, but was pretty bored. My intuition told me that I should rather continue writing me honest letter to my father. So I did, turned on my computer and wrote until about 8:30am, but had very much resistance and distracted myself with the internet. I noticed that, but didn't judged myself for that, I accepted it. It is okay to have resistance being honest.  I also felt like my tics are coming up again (didn't had them for months this bad) and felt becoming more and more "nervous" because of them. I think the reason for that now is the honesty and the resistance. Then I did my gratitude/visualization habit for 20 minutes and then my yoga/stretching/mobility + affirmation habit (which I start to really like). My intuition decided that today I didn't wanted to work out normally, but rather take a walk into the city to buy some stuff that I needed.

So I acted upon my intuition. It was really cold but I liked it. On my way to the city I didn't listen to any music or potcast, I contemplated. I contemplated mainly about external reality (how do I know that there is an external reality just through my perception?????) and that I am not my thoughts (I noticed that I am mainly identified with this inner dialogue). I also said/sang sometimes my affirmations. As I said "I am free to do whatever I want" I took the opportunity to explore a little trail of the road. This trail lead onto a field where I could look at the road, at the houses round... without many objects hiding my vision. It was a sunny day and (I didn't see any chemtrails ). As I got back onto the road I realized that my perspective is so limited. Walking on the road I have a totally different perspective on all of my surroundings as when I am on this little trail or as a person in a house there or as a bid. Everybody is at a different place and has a different perspective. How can I with my limited perspective know what this other person/animal/being perceives as their reality? I live in my matrix and they live in their matrix.
I continued walking to the city and got into a state of love. I was happy, grateful for my life, grateful for my perspective knowing this spiritual and self-actualization stuff, understanding for other human beings.
But as I got closer to the city I felt like my body tensed. From this relaxed state - which comes from just being at home (except from working out), secure, safe, in my comfort zone, for almost two weeks now - my social-survival-person got activated. This mechanism in my mind cared about what others think about me. I limited myself in my behavior so that others would not judge me overly negative. The tics got worse. I especially tensed up when I saw that there could be other people at my age that I could know from school.
As I walked through the city I listened a bit to other peoples conversations which was kind of funny. Seeing these low-consciousness people makes me always grateful that I know it better. One family was so in rage that the boy had money but the mother paid for him. The guy got soo in rage. Another man complained so much and that he was so angry at another person while speaking to some social worker.
So I bought all my stuff and even talked a little little bit to two cashier - a tiny comfort zone challenge.
Walking back home I listened to "overcoming addiction." As Leo talked about the fear of existential emptiness I just realized how tensed up the interactions in the city made me. I just wanted to EAT, stuff myself full with healthy food to still the tics and to distract myself from existential emptiness. So as I got home (after 2.25h) I stuffed myself full with raw food and as I sat down I felt the relief from the tics, tension and stress.

As I listened to Leo my intuition decided that I wanted to sds later that day. After finishing lunch and watching some open-mindedness stuff I started sds with "do nothing" in the living room because the house was empty. I watched the shadow from a roof top and kind of wanted to prove to myself that the sun does not move in a curve around - did not really work.  I really did almost the whole time "do nothing" without tricking my mind into some contemplation technique. The mind quieted a little bit. I observed the mind a little bit how it wanted to make excuses. I felt the pain at my butt and eliminated it through paying attention to it and not distinguishing it as "pain." "Pain" became painless and just like any other sensation. At some time the ego won and I got out of my meditation posture.
I laid down and noticed that "I" had to go to the toilet. I questioned for one or two minutes who really has to pee and poop. "I?" How do "I" know? How do "I" know anything for certain? Then after being on the toilet I looked "myself" into the mirror and just had to laugh.
I went again into the living room to contemplate about external reality. How do I know that this bird on the tree is exactly at this position in external reality? Where should this bird be? What should it be composed of? I remembered that we even live in the past because the brain firstly has to process the information and that the light firstly has to travel to our eyes. Well, I don't even know that.
Then I heard that my father came back home. I was able to watch my emotional reaction for a little bit. I got a bit angry, pissed off... Then I had to do some stuff with him, bla bla bla. But one thing that I realized in the last couple of days is that this matrix/these external circumstances are somehow there to challenge me, to teach me what I need to learn... I loosened my resistance against what I had to do and that my father distracted me. I tried to stay conscious.

After I was finished with my father, I listened to the intuition and went outside. I walked up to an elevated position to see a part of the sunset for a few minutes. I saw the sun and the half moon at the same time.

I went inside again and prepared dinner while my father had some stupid radio music on. I tried to take up the challenge to stay conscious. I ate dinner and watched some more videos that made me even more confused than I already was. I read some stuff on the forum that was so radical. It is so funny how limited our whole perspective is.

 

Perspective:

I don't want to hold any perspective. I don't want to hold any belief. How can you know that anything is true? Are there any assumptions that make your belief absolutely true? There is all the time that one could be manipulated by something, whatever it is, and we don't even know. We could be toys from extremely developed aliens which just want to experiment around with us. How can we know that this is not the case? HOW??!?!?!? Or we could all the manipulated by this "elite" which has all the power here on earth and which just wants to use us for they purposes. How can you know?

Only trust your DIRECT EXPERIENCE. All the points which Leo mentions in the "mechanics of belief" video are good here. I just want to consider a possibility for certain perspectives. There are perspectives which seem to work in this game which we call life. But are you sure that they are true in "external reality?" I want to consider a flat earth to be possible as well as a ball earth. 50:50. How can I know this with my limited perspective. I have not seen the earth from space. I have not experienced almost any of those proves about these theories. But I don't want to be certain about it. I want to stay completely open. I don't want to know.

I want to embrace this confusion, paradox, uncertainty, not-knowing. It is essential for insights and will rapidly improve your learning.

Right now I love this quote from Nietzsche: "Not doubt, but certainty is what drives us crazy." Perfect.

And at the moment I like conspiracy theories a lot. It is like a tool to develop this radical open-mindedness that is needed to experience the actual Truth which goes far beyond Enlightenment. Just because I consider some points from conspiracy theories does not mean that I am crazy. It is just funny and a good tool to loosen your certainty. And it drives your mind crazy.

 

39 minutes ago, Dragallur said:

Because they are not at the same distance, Sun is 150 mil. km away which is why. Basically Sun is shining on Moon from huge distance and we are looking little bit from the side, but compared to the whole picture we are really small there. If Moon would be making its own light I bet people from Apollo would notice.

Well, I don't know much about the science behind it. I have not done proper research about this whole topic at all. Sometimes I am a bit naive but this naiveness together with open-mindedness and a little bit skepticism seems to be a good tool for radical open-mindedness and insight. I have not directly experienced it, so I don't believe it. But it could be possible and the science behind it valid . But science also can has its fallacies. 

Edited January 5, 2017 by quantum
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[Dragallur]

Good! 

Even if you considered and believed all points in some conspiracy you would not be crazy

I like how far you are able to go and it definitely amazes me, just keep calm my mind and dont get burried too deep in shit.. those conspiracies are also made up on hatred, falsehood, manipulation and ego.. there is no other way around that!

While you work, be sure to check out Moon landing conspiracy or creationism or global warming deniers.. there is tremendous amount of shit but from where you are going maybe even thing to learn!

[JKG]

Energy

I feel this crazy energy. In meditation I sat there and watched the feelings in the body. And I think I felt something like energy around some Chakras. Is this feeling-sensation energy, chi or what? I felt this feeling which I normally have when I have tics. I normally called it nervousness around the head and "doing" the tics somehow released the nervousness. But now it was rather like stuck energy in the back of my head (behind the ears). And when I relax the energy somehow releases. This energy lets the body/head vibrate a little bit with a high infrequence like binaural beats. Did I interpret that as nervousness?

I also felt energy in the upper body in the area of the ribcage. Is this energy flowing around there responsible for emotions? It felt like because the emotions felt like energy. Are then emotions just a different level of frequency of the energy? Crazy shit what I feel. Maybe I just interpret too much into it. Maybe I should listen to Peter Ralston: "Don't think. Feel."

This feeling of energy inside the head reminded me of how I felt after my little awakening in October. I again feel like I need to "ground" myself because all the energy becomes a bit too much. I think this would work with stupid YouTube videos, rather unhealthy food and stuffing myself. But this will probably happen automatically when school begins at Monday.

Does energy arise out of uncertainty and love? Release of resistance? Because when I act authentically, honestly or relax I feel this boost in energy.

I tried a little experiment with this energy. About two years ago I listened to a guy who also talks about this energy, prana, chi stuff. He is very detoxed, almost a Breatharian and once just ran a half marathon in 1.5 hours without special training. I wanted to look if this energy has an effect on my physical performance.
I firstly took my normal running route. I intuitively started running much faster (normally about 7 min/km, now about 5-6 min/km). I felt how my breathing was faster, but I didn't felt fatigue. Somewhen my intuition said that I should slow down a little bit but only after about 5km. I took the trail that I discovered yesterday, it was beautiful. And I ran a bit into a little forest. There were some cut trees and I jumped around on them just because of fun. It was really fun and I had to laugh a lot. 
So it definitively had an effect on my running. And now I don't feel fatigue at all, I could go out and run again. The energy is still there.

I want to feel it all. I want to experiment with my body and my energy. I want to explore this reality.

(I have not done any special research on Chakras or energy. Just hearsay)

[JKG]

Grounding

Right after waking up I don't feel the energy. Then I feel pretty refreshed from sleeping on the floor. I love my floor. But one or two hours later it comes up. I found relaxation methods useful. Laying on the floor and relaxing every part of my body. Being in contact with the ground seems to have a positive effect.

Yesterday I didn't know what to do. I still had the energy inside the head and it was pretty uncomfortable. i didn't wanted to do something productive or spiritual (yoga, meditation, research, reading...) to not get more of this energy. But still I also didn't wanted to waste all my time, my last two days before school begins. My mind came up with all the stuff that I have on my Intuition Incubator list which almost became like a neurotic to-do-list. I could summarize this content, read that book, do this contemplation, journal about this stuff, help here and there, start studying for exams..... This morning it all happened in exactly the same way. 

 I thought about life. It is full of struggle, suffering and pain. It is not easy. Why didn't I chose the easy life and just did what everybody else does. It is so easy without much resistance. Why did I chose this lifestyle full of resistance? It is so hard and uncomfortable. I saw all these people on a birthday party yesterday just caring about stupid fantasy books and films. Their whole life is about consuming entertainment stuff.

It is probably the right time for school to begin tomorrow. Getting back to normal and implementing a little bit of stuff that I have learned while dealing with school life. I would even allow myself to just be totally unproductive for the next week. I'll see how it goes.

 

Intuition

Then not knowing what to do I asked my intuition today. I meditated for a minute or two to get to know what to do. I wanted to decide between continuing yoga, studying for school, meditating or doing stuff from my to-do-list. I don't know what came up exactly but I went outside to meditate. I just did do nothing and let the mind wanter.

If I don't know what to do, just do nothing for some time, then you will know. It is very refreshing to let the mind just think everything it wants to thing about. Doing nothing is a way to let the intuition guide you. It is a way of distancing yourself from life and to see what is really going on in your mind. You will get to know what to do. Your inner wisdom is speaking to you. Stuff you don't know consciously anymore will come up again at exactly the right time.

What came up for me? Well. I want to calm down again. I want to settle back a bit and adapt to this state of higher energy slowly. I don't want to challenge myself too much at a time. Letting the homeostasis kick in - a little bit - to not loose it all.
I will pause writing this absolute honest letter. And yesterday I even thought of writing a much more RADICAL honest letter to my parents where I would have revealed all of my thinking. I felt so much resistance and this existential fear came up again. I rather want to become more honest slowly. Slowly express my emotions more, speak a bit more honestly, and if the situation is good I will tell something more radically honest.

There is nothing that I have to do. This Intuition Incubator list became a burden for me. I knew how many great things I could do and that I somehow have to do them. But, NO! There is nothing that I have to do. Everything is okay the way it is. Reality should be exactly the way it is. I thought that I would have to do stuff to make changes happen. I would have to do a lot of research for the gap year. But the intuition came up with the thought that I also just could chose the default position and go to university.
If my intuition now wants me to do something like preparing the gap year, and eventually have prepared it all, then I will take the courage to really do the gap year. But if my intuition now wants me to do totally different things, I will do nothing related to the gap year for months and end up going to university. This was also a great relief. Tension that built up got released and made me feel more relaxed.

 

Anger

The new video is cool, I like the holistic approach. I noticed that I already implement most of the stuff. I try to watch my anger arise in family situations and try to get to the root why I am feeling this way. But often I don't notice my little annoyances.

If my moralistic, always angry, closed-minded father would see and understand this video. That would be a life changer for this partly dysfunctional family.

Because Leo mentioned this holistic approach I remembered spiral dynamics and the turquoise stage. I found this page with very good information. And I noticed that at the moment I am totally working on becoming more turquoise. It seems like I slowly "get over" just yellow. Very very cool.

 

Outing

Yesterday morning I listened to the intuition and just told my mother that I am asexual. So much resistance. I just thought "If I cannot do this, how can I ever follow my intuition at bigger things?" Now she just things that I have not enough experience, just have not found the right one yet...

[JKG]

pure intuition