Removing Should-statements And Eventually Reaching Enlightenment

[JKG]

Sickness - Day 5

Yesterday afternoon my temperature didn't rise as fast to 40 degrees as in the last days. But at one point it did hit the 40 degree mark and I again took the pill. Now as I woke up I have 39 degrees. I will not take the pill for a while and look how it goes and how I feel.

I slept well again. I only became tired at 11pm, but then slept in quickly and didn't wake up until 7:45am. It is strange to wake up so late. But thats okay for the moment. The week after I its over I will need to adapt to the normal sleeping schedule again.

I eat smaller portions because otherwise I would have to puke which is kind of good. But I eat more portions, yesterday it were 5 ones. I hope this will not become a habit afterwards.

 

Dreams

I again had a weird dream, or maybe it were two, just with the same people. Lets firstly define some characters:

• T: A guy from a migrant family out of Turkey at my school. I find his physical appearance attractive, but his character is sometimes so awful. I have many classes with him. He goofs around a lot, is addicted to his phone, ...
• L: A guy from my school with whom I happily only have physical education class and the additional maths course with. He is like the typical adolescent, macho guy, tries always to appear funny and cool, goofs also around a lot, and with T in physical education class he makes so much stupid stupid stuff. I don't like him. I only find his legs attractive.
• MrB: My English teacher, who also teaches physical education. He is kind of cool and jokes sometimes around with T.
• MrsR: My former physical education teacher in grade 5 and 10. She also teaches English.
• My English class: We are not a particularly good course. Many people often never do the homework. And their English skills are also not the best.

The dream could be separated into two parts. Or it are two separate dreams. But I don't know which part came first.

I had physical education class, but my normal teacher (who I don't like at all) wasn't there. But MrB and MrsR were there. T and L were making stupid shit as always in our part of the gymnasium (it can be separated into three separated parts). Then the separation walls were away and T and L were kind of trying to catch each other. T then run into the first part of the gymnasium into the room with the parallel bars and all the mats. L ran behind him and they were kind of throwing each other or fighting. MrB and MrsR were looking at them skeptically... T and L kind of hurt each other and MrB is speaking harsh with T like in English class when he doesn't participate.

In the other part I was with my English course on trip to something like a theme park. There was a cave with a climbing area which we all should go through. I understood how to go through it, but almost the whole rest didn't. I thought of them as stupid, lazy...

 

Curiosity

Yesterday evening I was watching TV because of boredom and because I couldn't sleep. I watched documentaries about 1933-1935 (exactly the stuff that we needed for the last history exam), about refugees and mass migration in the present, something about "super-plants" which can absorb toxic and rare metals from the soil and then a documentary about John von Neumann. Especially the last one arouse so much curiosity in me. John von Neumann is such a genius, a brilliant man and mathematician, computer scientist, and should be at least as famous as Einstein.

The documentary about refugees was also interesting. It showed me that I am interested in sociology. I understand how groups of people are thinking and why they are having conflicts. I was so inspired by these politicians and mayorals in parts of Amsterdam who try to improve the social structures and the lives of the people there.

I got an idea for my AI vision. I could let the AI analyze the beliefs-systems of the different groups there, then see why conflicts arise, and then give solutions and how to let the conflicts resolve. That would be something useful for society at the moment. 

[JKG]

Sickness - Day 6

It is getting better. The fever isn't so high anymore and I didn't begin to shiver last afternoon. I am just limp and want to rest.

 

Dreams

Somehow the building of my school was totally new. It was like a huge IKEA and I had to find a room where all the students from my year had a gathering. I had no idea where I was. And on my way thought the IKEA a woman wanted to sell me accessory and ugly blue glasses. But my mother comes and explains to the woman that I don't like such stuff. Somewhen I meet two other people from my year who also don't know where to go. Once I meet my maths teacher and I ask her where I should go. She says me the name of the room but I still have no idea.

 

Doing Nothing

I waste so much time of my days on the internet. Often when I am bored I just take my phone, look for 10 minutes on the forum for something new, then quickly on YouTube, the weather app, my school app... A distraction from being... Laying around and being bored or doing just nothing and letting the mind wander is much better. A bit like meditation.

[JKG]

Sickness - Day 7

Its getting better. Fever is completely away now. Just a lot of coughing. I am loosing a lot of mucus.

I just need rest. A lot of rest. I've slept for 12 hours this night. And if I am standing for a few minutes I feel weaker.

[JKG]

I've slept the whole afternoon I usually never do that.

[JKG]

Boredom

I am just bored. I could do so many things. But I don't feel like doing them. I program for a few minutes and don't want to continue. I read for a few minutes and get bored of it too. I study a few minutes and get bored too...

I didn't even feel like meditating. And I am not capable of exercise yet.

I feel like in the past in the school vacations.

I just want to go to school on Monday again.

I waste my time.

Maybe I will just watch a movie.

[Dragallur]

40 minutes ago, JKG said:

Maybe I will just watch a movie.

Good idea, that always keeps me from doing complete shit and next day I start on better place.

[JKG]

On 18.2.2017 at 8:05 PM, Dragallur said:

Good idea, that always keeps me from doing complete shit and next day I start on better place.

I totally agree. It doesn't happen often but when I feel like watching a movie I enjoy it and get a new perspective.

In the last few days I've watched Inception and Whiplash.

Inception made me motivated for lucid dreaming a bit (but not too much that I would start again) and Whiplash was good for the vision on mastery.

[Dragallur]

15 minutes ago, JKG said:

Inception

I have seen the movie like 3 or 4 times along with Cloud Atlas (check it out if you did not see it yet).

[HII]

Is it reasonable to let your father have so much control over you?

(Dragallur, thanks for recommending Whiplash. I watched it a few hours ago. It got me my energy back and I made a few recordings.)

Edit: If you sleep on the floor, what kind of floor do you have, what clothes do you wear, in what position do you sleep?

Edited February 21, 2017 by HII

[JKG]

On 21.2.2017 at 3:05 AM, HII said:

Is it reasonable to let your father have so much control over you?

No. I just play the victim. But in the future I will work on gaining independence from him.

On 21.2.2017 at 3:05 AM, HII said:

Edit: If you sleep on the floor, what kind of floor do you have, what clothes do you wear, in what position do you sleep?

I have a normal parquet floor with a carpet on it and an additional blanked. I wear long, comfortable pyjama and I sleep on my stomach.

[JKG]

School

I now have started to study regularly. Sometimes I kind of enjoy it. This morning I studied chemistry for two hours and did an old exam about electrochemistry. I liked it. It is like a logic puzzle, you just have to know all the thousands of rules of the puzzle.

I feel confident that I will know all the rules of chemistry and all the facts of history for my (pre-)final-exams. I have still enough time and with my study habit it will work out well.

This studying habit will improve my work ethic and deep work ability. I am looking forward to the time after all the exams. Then I can continue studying, but with artificial intelligence and computer science I am kind of excited.

 

Tasks

I have like thousands little tasks running around in my mind that I still have to do, mainly for school stuff. I still have to send a picture, I have to give someone money, I want to make my own bread, I have to send an email, I have to change something in my room, and I have to call somewhere to figure out how to get my actual driver license. I hate calling, I am scared of these initial moments of the call and from saying something wrong, or that I get misunderstood. I have always avoided that in childhood and wanted my mother to call my friends...

 

Health

I have recovered now from sickness. It is nice to go to school again and to see other people. And I had some good excuses to not to go to classes in the afternoon because of the sickness

I haven't worked out now in almost two weeks and that sucks. I want to work out again, at least a little bit. But my parents always say that I should still rest...

I just have to cough sometimes to get all the mucus out of my throat and out of my nose.

 

Contemplation

I haven't done much meditation in the last few weeks. Sometimes I feel bad about it. But because of the Enlightenment Exercises I feel like I still make progress, at least a little bit. And I started to contemplate again like Peter Ralston explains it.

What is sound made of? Where does sound come from? Where does sound occur? Where does sound go? - Nothing.

What is color made of? Where does color come from?...

What is the meaning of all of this? Can a perception be good or bad?

Just the disruptive thing is the monkey mind... I will work on mindfulness meditation.

And I see how much I would benefit from acting more slowly and mindfully. Sometimes I am able to be slow and to remember it. But often I am just in autopilot-mode...

[JKG]

Me Sheet

Life Purpose:
I analyze problems and find solution processes to create mind-altering technology. ("Ich analysiere Probleme und finde Lösungswege, um bewusstseinsverändernde Technologien zu entwickeln." - I mostly use the German affirmation)

Zone of Genius:
analyzing problems ( = collecting/sorting/studying information; understanding the problem fully)
finding solution processes ( = programming the subconscious mind to find the answer)

Domain of Mastery:
artificial intelligence / computer science

Ideal Medium:
Java or C++ Programming

Top 10 Values:

1. Peace of Mind
2. Physical Well-Being
3. Clarity
4. Productivity / Progress
5. Self-Actualization
6. Connection
7. Understanding
8. Openmindedness
9. Freedom
10. Contribution

Top 5 Strengths:

1. curiosity and interest in the world
2. hope, optimism, future-mindedness
3. appreciation of beauty and excellence
4. spirituality, sense of purpose, faith
5. perspective wisdom

[HII]

17 hours ago, JKG said:

No. I just play the victim. But in the future I will work on gaining independence from him.

Then again, is it reasonable to let him take such an important decision for you, just because you think you are too weak to assert yourself? 

Ah, and about that throat chakra thing: I listened to your soundcloud recording with the singing at the end and when you were singing, your voice suddenly sounded so much more relaxed  Singing can probably be a great way to unblock your throat chakra, especially if you try out different pitches/registers. Works for me at least  

Edited February 23, 2017 by HII

[JKG]

On 23.2.2017 at 2:01 AM, HII said:

Then again, is it reasonable to let him take such an important decision for you, just because you think you are too weak to assert yourself? 

No. But at the moment I am pretty excited about going to university because of my life purpose stuff. I feel like it is really the right strategical decision, although I didn't feel that way when my father firstly persuaded me. (I guess you are referring to the gap year / university thing.

To be honest at first I was pretty annoyed by your comment just because I had to deal with this whole emotionally challenging topic again. The ego is tricky.

 

On 23.2.2017 at 2:01 AM, HII said:

Ah, and about that throat chakra thing: I listened to your soundcloud recording with the singing at the end and when you were singing, your voice suddenly sounded so much more relaxed  Singing can probably be a great way to unblock your throat chakra, especially if you try out different pitches/registers. Works for me at least  

I kind of forgot about this whole chakra thing... Its something that I will have to work on in the future.

[JKG]

Self-Esteem

I feel like in some areas my self-esteem is too big. I know that I am very good in maths, computer science, physics and chemistry. I am also good in English and history. I can participate in class well. But somehow I am too confident sometimes.

Sometimes I feel like my actions are pretty narcissistic, I unconsciously brag sometimes, etc. My kind of humor is sometimes strange. If I would look at myself from a other persons perspective I would thing badly about myself. I wouldn't stand myself and wouldn't want to be around such a person like me. 

And good example is always chemistry class. I am around some people that I know and become more extroverted around them. The last time we had exercises to do. I found them very easy and was done with them quickly. And when I was done I said to the people from my table-group "I am done first" because of fun. There are many other examples that I could list.

I would like to be around me. I am a strange person when I unconsciously act this way.

This too high self-esteem also produces suffering. I got my temporary grade in English and got only 11 points, normally I got 13 points. I said to myself that this isn't bad, but my mind unconsciously thought negatively about this multiple times throughout the day. I doubted my abilities.
On the other hand I got 14 points in computer science and not 13 points as usual. The teacher even explained why I didn't get 15 points (A*). But I experienced again some form of attachment. Another student (who knows nothing about computer science), who in the last years always got 14 points without a good reason, now got only 11 points. That was spiteful.

I now could say that I want to change my behavior and want to look out for not acting this way. But I know that I wouldn't change this way and that it would produce suffering.

I act this way because I feel superior to the others. And unconsciously I want to express that and get appreciation.

I can change this by becoming more mindful. Then I can feel love for everybody. Then I don't have a need to express my superiority...

It will work out over time.

 

Mindfulness

But I don't just want to become more mindful to change my behavior.

Mindfulness increases ones happiness a lot. I just feel that currently. Yesterday I was in comparison to other days very mindful. I acted slower and sometimes appreciated the beauty of the moment. I ate lunch in my sisters room and was happy because of her presence and because of the beautiful food. I went for a 30 minute walk and noticed beautiful sounds and sights.

And as I woke up today I remembered to look out that I act slower. It worked great. I feel like there is too much beauty and to less time to appreciate all of it. Even when I just step outside and hear all those birds

[JKG]

In 6 weeks school is over. And only 5 weeks of normal school is left.

In 65 days I will have my first final exam (webcountdown). And in 85 or 86 days I will be finally done with these stupid exams... (webcountdown)

In about 3 months I will be done with school at all.

And then in about 3 months I will have to apply to university. And in about 7 months university will begin...

In 3 months I will also get my own car. More mobility.

In 6 days I will turn 18, and become an "adult." I will be allowed to drive car on my own. I could by myself tons of alcohol of every kind... But what is more interesting is that I can keep an account at a bank. Then I can get my own amazon or audible account. I won't always have to ask my father to buy me something.

That is kind of scary but also exciting. But the most strange thing is that I will have only 6 weeks of regular school days. I have been going to school now for almost 12 years. That is two-third of my life, and the first third of my life I cannot really remember.
A few years ago, maybe in grade 7, I have thought of school of something like a prison. And that it would take me many more years to get out of that prison, almost unreachable. But now... the end is (too) near.
Almost all of my teachers say that it is only so little time left and that they also become a little bit nervous about our final exams.

2017 is a year of change.

[JKG]

Writing Texts

Did I already mention how much I hate it to write texts? I like just writing my thoughts down like here. But writing text that SHOULD be some way, should match to certain standards, should sound good, which the teacher should like...

I don't like looking for ways to write that sound good, that match grammatical rules...

I've had to write an exposition/discussion/argument about political correctness for German class. My new teacher has weigh too high standards and expect so much from the students...

I like it to search for arguments and about ideas of how to structure the text. But actually writing the text is so disgusting. I almost have to force myself to write this shit down.

I noticed that I like writing in English much more than in German. In my mind came good formulations, and on English articles I found good arguments. But translating that into German... I don't like the sound of the German language. English is so much nicer.

But happily there is not much time left in school. I guess this has been the last longer text I had to write in German class. At least I hope so.

I don't like the way the text sounds now. Some formulations sound very strange and too formal. But I like the arguments I got at the end. I think I got a good, conscious conclusion. I wrote that political correctness only tries to repress the symptoms of unconsciousness and the discontent of some groups in society. I referred to Trump and the silent minority

Here is the text (just that I can see in the future what I had to do in school)

Quote

Oft werden in unserer Gesellschaft Bemerkungen gemacht, die klar diskriminierend sind. Jedoch wird es seit den 70er-Jahren versucht verachtende und beleidigende Begriffe wie "Neger" oder "Eskimo" zu vermeiden. Es soll Diskriminierung von Minderheiten abgeschafft werden. Generell hören sich diese Bemühungen positiv an, trotzdem gibt es einige Probleme. In diesem Text sollen einige dieser Probleme erläutert und abgewogen werden, ob Political Correctness sinnvoll ist oder nicht.

Meiner Meinung nach ist das beste Resultat der Political Correctness, dass die Aufmerksamkeit der Gesellschaft auf Probleme gerichtet wird. Viele Menschen sind sich nicht über Diskriminierungen bewusst, welche in ihrem Umfeld oder von ihnen selbst gemacht werden. Solche Prozesse geschehen meist im Unterbewusstsein und es wird meist nicht beabsichtigt jemanden zu beleidigen. Indem die Medien oder andere Instituitionen sie darüber aufmerksam machen und Vorschläge für einen besseren Sprachgebrauch gemacht werden, achten viele Bürger mehr auf ihren Sprachgebrauch und verstehen Probleme in der Gesellschaft besser.

Auch werden die entsprechenden Minderheiten nicht mehr diskriminiert. Sie fühlen sich nicht mehr als Außenseiter, sondern ehrer akzeptiert und angenommen. Sie werden respektiert und entwickeln keinen Hass gegenüber anderen Gruppen. Dadurch kann eine stärkere und zusammenhaltende Gesellschaft entstehen. Die Jugend kann lernen, dass alle Menschen gleich behandelt werden sollten, unabhängig von Hautfarbe, Geschlecht, Religion, Sexualität, usw.

Jedoch gibt es auch Probleme im Altag mit der Anwendung von Political Correctness. Ein Beispiel wäre dafür folgende Konversation zwischen einem farbigen und einem weißen Jungen. Der farbige Junge sagt: "I like being black." "That's nice," erwiedert der weiße Junge, "I like being white." Als Antwort erhält er von dem schwarzen Jungen "Racist," was die Antwort der nicht-reflektierenden Gesellschaft widerspiegeln könnte.

Manche Personengruppen übertreiben es mit der Political Correctness und fühlen sich angegriffen, sobald jemand einen potentiellen beleidigenden Ausdruck verwendet. Oft wird daher die Political Correctness als extem angesehen und lächerlich gemacht.

Es kann auch als Behinderung der Meinungsfreiheit angesehen werden, da Tatsachen nicht direct gesagt werden können/dürfen. Manche Meinungen werden als moralisch falsch angesehen, obwohl sie eigentlich wahr sind und die Umstände richtig widerspiegelt. Man kann die Dinge nicht beim Name nennen.

Jedoch sehe ich bei diesem Thema noch ein anderes Problem, welches an einem Beispiel von einer kranken Person erläutert werden kann. Diese kranke Person geht zum Arzt wegen jeglichen Beschwerden. So bekommt sie Medikamente von dem Arzt verschrieben, die die Symptome unterdrücken sollen. Jedoch kommen die Beschwerden nach einiger Zeit wieder. Mit den Medikamenten wurden nämlich nur die Symptome der Krankheit behandelt und nicht die Ursachen.

Political Correctness kann man als das Medikament ansehen, dass beleidigendes Verhalten von einigen Teilen der Gesellschaft unterdrücken soll. Die Ursache wird jedoch nicht behandelt, nämlich, warum manche Personen so respektlos handeln und diskriminierende Begriffe benutzen.

Es kann sein, dass sie sich auch gesellschaftlich ausgeschlossen und falsch behandelt fühlen, und suchen die Verursacher für ihre Lebensumstände. Sie suchen die Schuld in anderen, um sich besser zu fühlen. Durch die Political Correctness fühlen sie sich nur provoziert.

Dieser Sachverhalt kann am Beispiel der USA verdeutlicht werden. Dass Donald Trump die US-Wahlen gewonnen hat, kann als Reaktion zur Political Correctness angesehen werden. Die Gesellschaft ist davon genervt sich immer an diese Regeln halten zu müssen und nicht ihre Meinung frei äußern zu können. Daher sind sich die Politiker nicht darüber bewusst, wie groß die Probleme in der Gesellschaft tatsächlich sind. Irgendwann wird das Fass trotzdem überlaufen.

Die Silent Minority war positiv davon überrascht, dass Trump unausgesprochene Tabus bricht und konkret wird. Es hat sich mit ihren Problemen befasst und hat die Political Correctness gebrochen.

Letztendlich würde ich sagen, dass Political Correctness an sich nicht schlecht ist. Es Macht die Menschen bewusster und aufmerksamer, beseitigt die Probleme jedoch nur kurzfristig.

Political Correctness sollte jedoch nicht das einzige Mittel sein, um die Diskriminierungen zu verhindern. Zunächst müssen größere Probleme in der Gesellschaft gelöst werden, so dass die Menschen wieder zufriedener sind, und kein Bedürfnis mehr haben andere zu diskriminieren. Diese Maßnahmen werden die Ursachen behandeln, und nicht nur die Symptome, so dass Political Correctness nicht mehr notwendig ist.

 

[Dragallur]

@JKG Good text, I can somehow understand your written German better than the one in school, cool!

[Mango1998]

On 26.2.2017 at 7:41 AM, JKG said:

But now... the end is (too) near.

I know exactly what you mean

[JKG]

Time-Concentration-Curve

I have almost strategically been using my time on purpose ineffectively. I often meditate in the afternoon, exactly at the time when my concentration is low and I am rather tired. But I do useless stuff at times when I am very concentrated and my energy is high.

I know now for a long time that my concentration is the best in the morning/noon between around 8 to 12am. Then somewhen around 2-4pm I usually get tired for a while and am very unconcentrated (my usual meditation time). When I used to eat A LOT for lunch this low was much lower because I felt so full and all my blood went out of my brain into my digestive track. At around 6pm it becomes better and I have a concentration high again (but not as high as the one in the morning).

Through this knowledge I already do my most important tasks in the morning. (I am speaking now from a day without school, where I have no obligations.) I feel that in this time I am most productive and get the tasks done with the most quality and speed. I normally do there homework, and at the moment I study a lot.

Today for example I tried out the promodoro technique. I worked for 25 minutes, the took a 5 minutes break, and repeat. After some of those cycles I did a longer break. I did 6 cycles of studying very concentrated history. I got a lot of stuff done. Then I had a light breakfast because my willpower level got lower, I felt that I needed a break, and because I felt a need for some carbohydrates. Then I studied for another hour maths. At that point it was 12am and I went outside for a workout.

In the breaks I did a bit of stretching, went outside to get some fresh air, got myself something to drink, went to the bathroom or meditated and practiced mindfulness.

After these productive mornings I feel that my productivity level gets lower. I work out, I prepare food, I eat, I surf a bit on the internet... Then I try to start being productive again, but then the concentration low comes and I ask myself why I cannot work properly.

I want to fix this problem of productivity in the afternoon. I want to know at which times I should do which kinds of activities to get the most out of my day. I don't want to feel sleepy while meditation and just spend my time in monkey mind. I also don't want to waste my concentration and energy with stupid YouTube videos. This is strategic analysis or preparation.

So today I got an idea, after this problem was in my mind for some days. I want to make a diagram or a concentration curve which shows at which time of the day my concentration is the highest. So I can see at which times I should do which kinds of activities.

I made at the computer an excel table where I put the time of the day and my level of concentration. I let the time get calculated into decimal numbers. For example 2:30pm becomes 14.5, or 4:20am becomes 4.34. And the concentration level I estimate with numbers ranging from 1 to 10. 1 Is when I am so sleepy and unconcentrated, that I almost fall asleep and get nothing done anymore. 4 is being a bit tired but still being able to read something easy or surf on the forum. At 6 I can feel well but not super productive, I can do research well or read a more complex book. From 7 upwards I am productive and highly concentrated.

I want to collect some data over the next days or weeks. When I remember it I will write on a notepad the time and the estimated concentration level. Then I want to let excel make a diagram and estimate an average concentration curve.

With this curve then I want to be able to plan my free days a bit. I can divide my day into parts depending on the concentration level. When I have my concentration highs I will do my most important work - in the morning studying or working, and in the evening meditation, reading or personal development stuff. When my concentration is okay I will work out, read, do less demanding homework, listen to the life purpose course, write into my journal... Then when I am tired I will go outside for a walk, take a nap (I don't know if that will work), clean up stuff, socialize, organize school material, do mundane tasks, surf on the internet, or watch a documentary or other videos.

I already know when @Mango1998 reads this, she will think "oh J is making so much plans, this is way to structured, be more spontaneous..." Yes, I make a rough plan of how my day is on average structured. But I like it this way. I value productivity and progress. I feel good when I get stuff done and don't procrastinate so much. I love this feeling of having studied for 4 hours effectively and then having time to do more enjoyable stuff for the rest of the day.

Today I already have collected some data for the curve. My lowest concentration was at 3:45pm at a level of 3. But at 4:45pm the level was up at 7 again.

I meditated in the late afternoon at around 5:30-6:30. I felt much more concentrated and was able to do mindfulness meditation well! I recognized the monkey mind.

I just like the idea of this concentration curve thing. It will make my days so much more productive. I will feel much better. The future will turn out great.