Removing Should-statements And Eventually Reaching Enlightenment

[JKG]

What I've learned:

• I am not my emotions.
• With developing stages (spiral dynamics) the capacity to embrace not-knowing is increasing. Higher developed people attach less to their beliefs and don't need to explain something they don't understand through attaching to new beliefs.
• At the beginning of last year I had a down phase. It was probably because of a Vitamin D deficiency.
• At the beginning of the day I eat very healthy, but at the end of the day my food becomes unhealthier and more. I lose willpower throughout the day. Or its just a habit.
• Sometimes shadow work is more important than just meditation.
• Sage = Spiritual Purification + Life Purpose + Understanding + Mastery (Body, Mind, Emotions, Habits)
• Self-identify is created by the snowball effect. Adding layer after layer after layer of new identifications to hide the shadow within.
• Physical Abilities/Skill come through raising feeling-awareness. Clear perception, neutral response and body mechanics.
• All those sports in our culture are just adding musculature onto an inadequate foundation.
• Fresh foods have more biophotons. Sprouts are an amazing food. They have the most biophotons, the enzyme activity is the maximum, and the nutrients are best available for the human organism.
• The vision is the most important thing. The 'How' will be answered throughout the process.
• Its all about self-survival.
• Humanity is already very developed, if you compare humanity now with humanity at the time of World War II. It seems like a miracle to me that all those great institutions are capable of providing such freedom and security for so many people. We are living in heaven. I am so grateful.
• In cellar rooms is higher radioactivity.
• I don't question what I am doing here enough. I could get so deceived.
• I am so selfish.
• I want to give people food for thought which will inspire them to question and transform their lifestyle. I want to show them all those great paths, so that they can form their own path. The western lifestyle is not the only possibility to live.
• I have an inferiority complex and try to hide it with demonstrating my superiority.
• There are already so many great human beings transforming the world at least a little bit.
• Perception is just like a radar. Objects are dots on the radar screen. Our perception by definition cannot perceive the objects true nature. We need to transcend perception to grasp true nature.
• I love learning.
• There is a lot to discover within my psyche.
• I like helping my mother. I am kind of consulting her how to handle my sister (she is having some weird emotional problems). I could become a coach

How I am moving towards becoming a sage:

• Continuing reading The Book of Not Knowing (I am through more than the half now). It is getting deeper and deeper
• Visioning a lot and writing it down
• Assessing my values more precisely
• Working out and spending time in the cold
• Making and eating sprouts again (sunflower, quinoa and buckwheat)
• I slowly see how my perception is getting clearer
• Shadow work and making some discoveries
• Working out more intuitively
• On some days I don't even have the desire to spend time on the internet
• Spending my time GIVING more back to other people.

What my intuition is telling me lately / how I will become a sage:

• I want to take really a gap year after school. I want to get some life experience
• Cleaning up my wardrobe
• I want to learn presenting and explaining ideas, so that it will be understood
• Making a soundcloud account and practice speaking there
• Strategizing
• Making a banana-bread
• More silence & solitude
• Eating less and more raw foods
• Starting to study for my final exams in May
• Smiling more

 

[JKG]

Shadow work:

I discovered one of my core problems. Through the dominant role of my father he often made me feel inferior. This made me trying to avoid such situations, which lead to undeveloped social skills, which lead to more feeling of inferiority... A vicious cycle. This feeling was the strongest between 5th and 9th grade.

At some point in 9th grade I found something to fight this inferiority with. I could demonstrate my superiority, proving that I am better than everybody else. So I built up quite a few character traits and identifications which seemed to hide my inferiority complex.
I became attached to...

• being a good 'citizen'
  • respecting the laws
  • being always on time
  • being a good friend
  • being a good daughter
    • wanting to study in the future and getting a well payed job
• being good in school
  • especially maths, science and later history and English
• being healthy
  • working out a lot
    • either identifying with endurance sports (running, biking, triathlon)
    • or with strength stuff (bodybuilding, bodyweight movements)
  • eating very healthy, vegan
• personal development
  • being productive
  • wasting less time
  • watching many personal development videos
  • learning personal development stuff
• self-actualization
  • life purpose
  • spirituality
  • enlightenment

As soon as some of these identifications got/get offended, I had/have this feeling of inferiority together with bad mood. This could be something like...

• not understanding a task in maths directly
• not working out for some days in a row
• wasting too much time on the internet
• overeating
• eating unhealthy food with I usually don't eat
• not meditating / meditating less
• having a bad mood
• getting a 'bad' grade
• forgetting to do my homework
• running late

So all day long I am struggling to keep this positive self-image up and prevent the bad self-image from popping up. I just want to get appreciation and validation form other people and from myself.

 

Where does this feeling of inferiority come from?

In childhood I often got told what to do and what not to do, how to behave and how not to behave, what is good and what is bad. I think most of the parents are doing this in some way. But my father has this way of telling little children this, so that will make one feel bad and inferior. He becomes quickly very loud and angry with a very negative vocabulary. It often happened that after he offended me, I ran into my room crying. Often the reason why I cried was very relevant, i just felt very bad.

I got ruled by my parents. I was/am not free to decide what really wanted to do. I felt like I was free, but I probably was not. I often had to help my father at working at the house or in the garden. If I would have decided to do it voluntary, I would have liked the work. But just because he told me to do it, I had to do it, and I got a very negative mood towards it.

As soon as I did not fit into my fathers image of me, he would get loud. In primary school I was bad at orthography, so he started 'teaching' it me. If I just did a minor mistake, he got loud, insulted me, I got less and less concentrated, at some point cried... So I adapted to his image of me, studied more, became better in school. Now this lead to wanting to become one of the bests.

He often tried to make me interested in his hobbies. He tried explaining to me programming with 8! He bought me a book about programming in python for kids with turtles. He also bought me electronic sets, robots... Or he taught me data bases, weird programs, rearing my bike, baking cakes... Only in very few of these topics I got interested later. Now he is often telling me stuff he is doing at work and I understand almost nothing.
He wanted me to be his little boy. But I am a girl, not interested in many of his interests. Then he just says something like "you are interested in nothing. You just do your stupid stuff."

All of this lead to avoiding such situations in which I could get offended. I became a quiet child, not talking much and trying to fit in. Growing up I did not develop these social skills normal people have.

There is much more to discover.

[ajasatya]

@quantum hello. your sincerity deserves contemplation. you're doing the real work. the work that "spiritual" people usually avoid.

watch closely. can you connect with the suffering your father was going through when he did those things to you?

the experience you're having is a call to break that cycle. love and forgiveness is the only way. cry as much as you need. grind it out. grind it all out.

[JKG]

5 hours ago, ajasatya said:

@quantum hello. your sincerity deserves contemplation. you're doing the real work. the work that "spiritual" people usually avoid.

watch closely. can you connect with the suffering your father was going through when he did those things to you?

the experience you're having is a call to break that cycle. love and forgiveness is the only way. cry as much as you need. grind it out. grind it all out.

thank you.

[Key Elements]

@quantum

Hi,

What helped me is gradually training myself to let go of the past and understanding that it no longer exists. (It never existed anyway.) My mind goes to doing the things I love. I watch only the things that inspire me on YouTube. It's not so easy to watch the useful videos. Sometimes it's so much easier to watch the useless ones. But, I gradually weaned myself off of it.

Another thing is making true friends. You don't have to wear a "mask" around them. You could be yourself. There is acceptance. True friends are an inspiration because the next time we meet, I do want to share with them how far I am on my milestone in life. I do want to bring something of inspiration to the table. I love seeing them smile. I love the motivation we have toward each other. I hope this helps.

[JKG]

On 13.12.2016 at 6:11 PM, Key Elements said:

Another thing is making true friends. You don't have to wear a "mask" around them. You could be yourself. There is acceptance. True friends are an inspiration because the next time we meet, I do want to share with them how far I am on my milestone in life. I do want to bring something of inspiration to the table. I love seeing them smile. I love the motivation we have toward each other. I hope this helps.

I know what you mean. I have one really good friend and we are totally honest to each other and can be authentic in each others company. I can inspire her, she inspires me, I help her, she helps me... But still she is not that much into self-actualization and spirituality because of an extremely toxic family. Sometimes I feel like I cannot really relate to her anymore because I deal with so vastly different stuff. Sometimes I just feel lonely because nobody around me understands what I am dealing with, just misunderstanding, complaining, distracting and making fun of me (like "oh, you cannot talk to her now, right now she makes 'ommmmm' ", or "are you awake again?")

It seems like I need friends in real life who are into this stuff too and who I can relate with.

[JKG]

Emotions:

I the last couple of days I am spending relatively little time on the Internet and rather sit there in "silence & solitude". Most of the evenings I just sit there. This gets me really in touch with my emotions. I want to understand them more and really feel into them. What do they mean? What are they like? What do I want to do know with this emotion?

One day I had a relatively negative emotion inside me. I had time and planed to read or meditate. But I felt that I wanted to do neither of them. I just wanted to do exactly nothing. So I sat there for about an hour and did nothing (but not the meditation technique).

Sometimes I sit there, listen to some music and feel into my body.

Sometimes I do shadow work and feel the emotions arising in relations to my father or some childhood events.

Sometimes I sit there and feel this deep love. Love for myself and others. Accepting myself and others.

Sometimes I read The Book of Not Knowing and feel this love and gratitude.

But today these emotions became somehow too strong. I meditated for two hours in the morning (neti neti) and got some sense that I am beyond perception. I felt this deep love again. This feeling came up again and again throughout the day. And now in the evening I wanted to meditate again for two hours. But this love became somehow too strong that it is almost painful. So I stopped after one hour. Now I am kind of distracting myself to ground myself again.
I can understand why infinity might be threatening. What I am experiencing is probably just a tiny tiny aspect of infinity. Maybe its like 10⁻¹⁰⁰ times of the love of infinity. But wait, infinity is infinite, so my love is already infinite. 

 

Some music which brings me in touch with my emotions:

 

[Key Elements]

32 minutes ago, quantum said:

It seems like I need friends in real life who are into this stuff too and who I can relate with.

Well, those friends are not so easy to find. I found two because of my journey through my life purpose. I still have a long way to go - might as well continue. Yes, we could share spirituality info with each other. Those are the deeper, long lasting friendships. However, I do notice that they are busy with work. We have to respect each others time. I do, in some ways, miss them, but to learn how to be detached is choosing the life purpose driven life. We don't meet very often. In fact, one is in a different country, but when we do meet, I do want to bring something to the table and say, "This is what I did." Instead of, "This is what I plan to do."

[JKG]

New years resolutions:

In the last few years I have been making a huge plan for what I want to accomplish the following year. Well, it never worked out, not even close. That is no wonder because I always make way to many goals. And those goals were not authentic at all.

Last year - although I have knew better - I have set myself like 20 goals within the domain of sports. They were realistically, not that hard, but still I probably have accomplished none of them. Now I know why. I have identified myself with an ideal that I am not. I am not authentically this very athletic person. Therefore I am not authentically motivated to devote so much time into working out. 

Or I wanted to meditate a certain amount of hours this year. Or I wanted to start studying and be really good in my last year of school... I have spread my focus way too much and forgot those goals.

 

Now I got a better idea. I will chose one "goal" and work as hard on this as possible. And this one goal will effect every aspect of life.

The goal is to follow my intuition as best as possible. I want to become a diligent executer of the intuitive voice within.

This is like a key stone goal (like a key stone habit). What I am doing will be authentically motivated. I will do what I want to do in the present moment. I will do what is the right thing for me. And this will be very valuable for making important decisions. I will have to make some very important decisions in 2017.

The only obstacle will probably be the ego. I will feel resistance for following my intuition. Fear will come up. A lot of fear, a lot of resistance. I am already scared. I will have to go out of my comfort zone a lot.

There are ways to deal with this:

• surrendering to confusion
• visualizing
• journaling
• creating a intuition incubator

 

But why should be this a "new years resolution"? Why should I only begin with this in two weeks? I will begin now.

[Dragallur]

23 minutes ago, quantum said:

But why should be this a "new years resolution"? Why should I only begin with this in two weeks? I will begin now.

I am always telling this to my friend because he really likes to start at particular times, particular nice dates and have new years resolutions While I do not understand why one needs to wait to begin something, it definitely helped him to make a huge changes in his life.

[JKG]

23 hours ago, Dragallur said:

I am always telling this to my friend because he really likes to start at particular times, particular nice dates and have new years resolutions While I do not understand why one needs to wait to begin something, it definitely helped him to make a huge changes in his life.

I used to do that too. "I will begin to change my habits at the beginning of next week", "Shit, it didn't work today, I will begin next month", "I will begin somewhen in the future. Now is not the right time." Its not a surprise that nothing has changed in that time and that I got stuck in my bad habits. I have learned from that

[JKG]

What I've learned:

• I will be less effected by my circumstances though honesty, letting go of value, detachment from this social person and taking things less personally.
• I need to be careful to distinguish what my intuition is telling me and what social conditioning wants me to do.
• Beliefs = consciously adopted beliefs + programming + assumptions
• Through eliminating beliefs one will become radical open. Life will become magical again.
• I need to master one domain. Otherwise I will not be able to create something valuable.
• I am absolutely free. Only my mind/social survival is limiting me. I just need to get free of social survival.
• Many philosophers have discovered aspects of nonduality. They knew that language is an illusion and cannot display absolute truth. Many people today are not aware of this.
• Physics is fascinating. When matter and antimatter come together a huge amount of energy gets set free. Or all those thousands tiny particles that make up our matter (quarks, leptons, neutrinos...)
• I only work out to stay healthy and to feel good in my body. I don't want to reach some ideal. Just working out for one hour, a combination of endurance, strength and mobility is totally enough if I stay relatively active throughout the rest of the day.
• I am annoyed when the day does not work out how I imagined and others occupy my free time.
• I am easily influenced by my father and other persons with authority.
• There is a huge gap between poor and rich. The poor people become more and more. They make the government responsible for their circumstances and therefore search for other types of government (Trump or the AfD in Germany). We need to care about these people, otherwise conflicts will arise like we are seeing at the moment. Be the change that you want to see. Raise the consciousness of humanity.
• I am still very very closed-minded. While I read a few pages of "The Law Of One" I noticed how much resistance I have. But it clearly could be possible.
• Contemplation
  • Pre-Contemplation: Presence, Clarity, Possibility
  • Contemplating: Intent, Openness, Focus, Questioning
• I don't take Enlightenment seriously enough. I need to study other traditions more.
• Enlightenment is just the beginning.

How I am moving towards becoming a sage:

• Eating less raisins and exchanging it through tea and raw fruits. It starts to work out.
• Reading a lot in the Book of Not Knowing. I am getting to the really interesting parts now.
• It is getting easier to take really cold showers.
• Feeling and observing my emotions. Not repressing them. Dealing with them.
• Creating an intuition incubator - simply a little journal/note book with things my intuition told me. I review it every day and look what I can do, so that I really act upon it and don't forget it.
• Surrendering to this confusion whether I should just listen to my intuition or to be more realistically.
• Visualization and assessing my values.
• I found a technique to stay awake in the morning. Just sitting upright in bed, and not lying down again. A big difference!
• Working out intuitively without any plan.
• Self Love.
• Feeling strong emotions of love with become almost painful.
• Having quite a few "successful moments" with neti neti and contemplation.
• I feel like I am growing a lot at the moment.

What my intuition is telling me lately / how I will become a sage:

• Taking more and longer cold showers
• My life purpose could be AI and programming. I could develop apps which analyze how people think, their beliefs and how they should move towards Enlightenment.
• But I also could become a coach because I recognized how much I like analyzing the psyches and shadows of other people.
• I could combine AI and coaching!
• Writing a big review about 2016
• Meditating and Contemplating throughout the day for short periods of time
• Doing more mindfulness meditations
• Creating a strong morning routine
• Not spending much time on the Internet in the morning

[Dragallur]

1 hour ago, quantum said:

Physics is fascinating. When matter and antimatter come together a huge amount of energy gets set free. Or all those thousands tiny particles that make up our matter (quarks, leptons, neutrinos...)

Hell yeah

1 hour ago, quantum said:

I am still very very closed-minded. While I read a few pages of "The Law Of One" I noticed how much resistance I have. But it clearly could be possible.

I think that this was one of the most interesting threads that appeared on the forum, quite long too but I was glad that Leo took his time to answer all the questions.

1 hour ago, quantum said:

Having quite a few "successful moments" with neti neti and contemplation.

Glad to hear that

Its great to read these posts, again thanks for sharing your thoughts!

[JKG]

What I've learned:

• Fructose can never be 100%-ly absorbed by the gut. Some fructose will stay inside the gut and cause some problems there. The human body is not designed for being a fruitarian.
• Bottom-Line Contemplation
  separating your reactions from your emotions
  questioning the root cause of your emotions deeply
  discovering your core assumptions
• my bottom-line is something like "I need the support of others to survive"
• Nature of Emotions:
  • Fear: about the future, unwanted experience
  • Anger: about the past, incapability, feeling hurt, demonstrating capacity through destruction
  • Desire: about the future, desired experiences, suffering in the present
  • Pain: primitive, eliminating it through being present and letting go of the distinction "pain"
• Breatharianism is possible
• There are life principles which are more inclusive - not just exclusive and centered around the ego
  e.g. honesty (-> serving the Truth), communication (-> listening closely, speaking about experiences truthfully without manipulation, self-agenda)
• What I fear will most likely not happen
• I like analyzing the psychology and structure of thinking of other people
• I need to make bold life changes. Otherwise I will stay in homeostasis
• I feel a drastic effect of less meditation (because of Christmas). It is very very important for my mood to meditate at least two hours.
• I really don't like doing strength training. I really like endurance training, stretching and other stuff like yoga and stretching or practicing a handstand
• It is very important to truly know ones values, strengths and big picture
• Proper standing posture:
  • Feet: about shoulder width apart, external rotation
  • Tension on gluts and abs -> no pelvic tilt
  • moving chest up/out, shoulder back and locating the head above the spine
  • looking straight forward
• You are so drastically influenced by your childhood vows. I am very limited through those vows

How I am moving towards becoming a sage:

• Implementing a new morning routine
  meditation + drinking tee while practicing gratitude and visualization + yoga/strechting and doing exercises for dorsiflexion + cold shower
  and not using my phone or computer until I am ready
• Waking up directly, not lying down again, sitting upright
• Drinking lots of tea
• Having finished reading The Book of Not Knowing
• Noticing negative emotions, anger, fear, judgment
• Having some deep neti neti meditations in less than 1.5 hours
• Comforting my sister with unconditional love
• Watching desire and craving arise
• Noticing that I like Teal Swan although here is a lot of negative discussion about here going on
• Analyzing the psychology of my parents
• Questioning fears
• Trying out yoga videos
• Writing E-Mails to my best friend
• Trying mindfulness meditation and noticing that I am very bad at it
• Speaking honestly with my best friend
• Starting to read Zen Body-Being by Peter Ralston and directly taking notes to every chapter
• One day in school I had almost the whole time this feeling of unconditional love for everybody, smiled and was happy
• Assessing my values again
• Sometimes doing breathing exercises in the morning outside
• Making notes for a full review of 2016

What my intuition is telling me lately / how I will move towards sagehood:

• Creating many mind-maps about core concepts form The Book of Not Knowing
• Meditating for multiple hours per day
• Doing more mindfulness meditation
• Doing sports only intuitively
• Reviewing my older journal entries more closely
• Taking a gap year
• Finally attacking my eating habit 2017 and fixing the root cause

 

Music:

I noticed that I am often having a loop of music inside my head while meditating. This was really distracting and annoying. I wanted to know what happens if I stop listening to music.

So I stopped listening to music for a few days. Initially I wanted to do it for one whole week. I started Wednesday but today I listened to a few songs. I don't really mind. Anyways I couldn't avoid all the Christmas music and the radio around the house. It is almost everywhere in the house as soon as I leave my room.

I quickly noticed that the music loop stopped and my meditation was a little bit more concentrated. I also noticed that I am a bit addicted to music. It is a habit to listen to music while doing something else. It is like a constant drug, which prevents you from questioning and thinking deeply.

From now on I will only listen to music when I want to enjoy it purely without any other activity going on. Just notice how this artist is enjoying and mastering his craft:

 

[Dragallur]

1 hour ago, quantum said:

Breatharianism is possible

What things led you to the conclusion?

I have spent some time trying to find out about it but then recognized that there is lot of bullshit around on the internet about this, people arguing strongly for or strongly against and I have not make up my mind, plus there are the controlled studies of people who faked it and so on.. I am really undecided about this one.

[JKG]

@Dragallur

Everything is possible.

[JKG]

Embarrassment:

I never wanted to be embarrassed. This is one of the biggest fears of almost everybody I think. This social person wants to survive in the social domain. It doesn't want to be judged negatively. And I noticed that I don't mention some aspects here. If other people I know would get to know this it would be very awkward of my ego. So I'll do a comfort zone challenge of writing here stuff down that is embarrassing. Let's see with how much I am going to come up:

• Until now I only meditated for 30 minutes in the morning although I had enough time and I don't think that I will be able to meditate much more today. I feel terrible without my usual 2 hours of meditation
• Yesterday I only meditated for 1.5 hours. I didn't feel so 'bad' as today but still not so good.
• I ate Christmas sweets although I wanted to stay healthy this Christmas. It certainly would have been possible but I had this craving...
  Yesterday I ate two cookies and two slices Christmas stollen and some cheese. Today I ate two pieces of cake and popcorn.
• I am currently eating so much that all the time my stomach is full, am not hungry, but still eat more and more.
• I am not working out as much so that my caloric intake would match my activity level. I eat wayyy to many calories. This is a habit.
• I don't use deodorant
• I have digestion problems and fart quite often
• I have some facial hair as a woman
• I used to bite my nails in childhood and because of that I now have some scarf-skin around my fingernails
• I am sexually totally unexperienced
• I have a light hyperlordosis
• I have scapula alata
• I have acne
• I wash my hair only once or maximally twice a week
• My leg looks like a male leg with all the leg hair - somehow I like that
• I have no problem with picking my nose at home
• Sometimes I forget to brush my teeth
• Sometimes my room is messy - it is right now quite messy
• My family is dysfunctional - at least some parts
• I don't like my voice - it is so high and squeaky
• Today I totally forgot that I am not an ego
• Sometimes I don't use soap to wash my hands
• Sometimes I don't wash my hands after going to the toilet
• Sometimes I dry my hands with my clothes after washing them
• Sometimes I get angry when my family occupies my time - well, I always get angry
• As a little child I didn't like to wipe my bottom. I rather wanted to let my parents do that because I found it disgusting. And as my parents wanted me to learn doing it myself, I just didn't wipe my bottom for some time. Now I have no problem to not wipe my bottom (as long as it is not poop) when no toilet paper is available. I could just take a shower when I am home.
• Two years ago on New Year's Eve I ate a whole package of dates
• Sometimes the consistency of my poop is strange - I don't want to elaborate this - something seems to be wrong about my diet
• I could meditate now but I don't want to
• I spent a lot of time today in front of the computer screen - I hate it and value silence & solitude more
• I want to brush my teeth now because my mouth feels somehow dirty
• A few months ago I just wrote on this forum to get these reputation notifications - it was like a high to see each morning that I got one, two, or three notifications. As I found out that I could deactivate the reputation notifications I sometimes look at my reputation counter.
• I am kind of proud to have more reputation/likes than posts. You could see this like density. On average I get at least one like per post. But mostly the likes come from this journal.
• Sometimes I don't do what my mother is telling me, like clean my room. Then she does it.
• At the moment my sister is so annoying, or I am just annoyed by my sister. Almost everytime she comes into my room I make her leave. Maybe that's because of the lack of meditation.
• I somehow become neurotic about following my intuition - like "I have to do all the things on my Intuition Incubator list"
• I always try to eat less but only seldom it works out
• Everytime that my father comes into my room and I have something self-help/spiritual like open, I switch to another empty tab to hide what I am doing on the internet. On the other hand he is able to see from the internet-rooter-controller-excess-thing every piece of data that I am receiving over the internet. He could read this whole journal if he just looks carefully. That would be horrible.
• I cannot show love to my parents
• I made nobody a present this Christmas. I rarely do and my family does not expect me to do it. But I feel kind of guilty.
• I have pimples on my butt.
• Sometimes I have pimples in my ... area
• I often committed to some comfort zone challenges but very rarely acted upon the commitment.

Awwww. The ego doesn't want anyone to read this. Embarrassing.

Now I am going to meditate!

[JKG]

Values

From now on I will regularly update my list of values here. It will be interesting to see how they change.

About two or three months ago I already shared my values here. They have changed a bit, but not dramatically. I became more sure about some or changed their names.

[JKG]

Commitment to meditate 2 hours a day

I just meditated for about 40 minutes. I did do nothing and pondered the last two days. I have meditated much less (1.5h and 1h) and have felt the effect. In the last weeks I meditated on average between 2 and 4 hours. On the 24th at some times I was able to feel unconditional love but with the time it got less and less. I was much easier effected by the stress and anger of the people around me (my parents were stressed and angry a lot). I tried to help them as much as possible. And I got way easier annoyed by my sister. I almost reacted all the time like my father does - becoming quickly angry and telling her what she should and shouldn't do. So yesterday evening I felt horrible. My mind was going crazy.

I don't want this to happen again. I want to stay calm. I want to have a higher frequency than the negative people around me. I don't want to get effected by them. I want to feel love and compassion towards those people and help them. For that I need at least two hours of meditation a day.

I would like to say "I will meditate now for 4 hours each day, no matter what!!!" But that is not possible at the moment. Well, at the moment I have no school and it would be possible. But when school begins again in two weeks I will not be able to sustain it. Also I will have "important" exams next year for which I "should" study a lot. So I think two hours should be a good compromise.

I won't time the two hours. I will do it intuitively. I know how much I meditate approximately. That is enough.

I will also stop telling myself which mediation technique I should use. I will begin with do nothing and then just go with the flow.

Each day in 2017 I will meditate for at least 2 hours!

[JKG]

Uncovering Core Assumptions / Bottom-Line Contemplation:

In the last two weeks I have found out something profound which explains like all of my emotions and behavior. I did this through the process of "bottom-line" contemplation (as described by Peter Ralston) together with the exercises from the "Uncovering Your Childhood Vows" video.

My core assumption is something like this: I need support by others to survive. I cannot defend myself on my own.
Therefore I need to be worthy to get support. I also need to hide my vulnerability so that others cannot see my incapacity of defending myself. I need to prevent such situations as best as possible.

I get fearful when I see a possibility to get "attacked" like critique or when I cry. Through crying I show my vulnerability.

I get angry when others occupy my time or distract so that I cannot work on personal development or spiritual stuff. I cannot work on my worth.

I desire worth and appreciation by others, personal development progress (like successfully establishing good habits or eliminating bad ones) as well as spiritual highs (or stuff like food but that is not important here).

And at the root of these three emotions lies pain. The ego doesn't want to suffer. It wants to keep the self-image alive. It doesn't want the social person "J[the rest of my first name]" to die.