Removing Should-statements And Eventually Reaching Enlightenment

[JKG]

let go of everything you fear to lose

[JKG]

Habit-Transformation - Day 6:

• little internet time - Streak 0
  It worked good all day, but now I found myself here watching videos which were quite informative but not relevant. I have to be honest with myself. Today I failed. Thats okay.

 

Mindfulness:

Sometimes I was mindful but most of the time I wasn't. When I was on a bike ride I wanted to look at the beauty of the trees in autumn but the monkey mind interrupted me. I wanted to eat mindfully but I wanted to eat faster. In the afternoon I did 68 minutes SDS and afterwards for about 60 minutes a death contemplation. I still wasn't really mindful but my brain got into this meditative state. Death contemplations are powerful, really powerful.

 

Food:

I did again this one meal a day thing. This time I feel much better. I ate for 90 minutes. Firstly a few nuts, then a big green salad, then another salad from yesterday, then a green smoothie, then apple with beet root and finally another apple, pear and half a mango. I think this time limitation which people on the internet talk about made me eat faster and less mindfully. I would really like to eat now and have little temptations to eat fruit. But I can handle it right now, probably because of the meditation. I feel very calm and happy with much mental clarity.

 

 - Let go of everything you fear to lose (I think this is my new affirmation)

[JKG]

Habit-Transformation - Day 7:

• little internet time - Streak 0
  just watched a lot of videos

 

Mindfulness:

For most of the day I was pretty unconscious. I just had a few glimpses of mindfulness e.g. while working out and having a longer colder shower. 

At about 12 o' clock I was done with the workout, the school stuff, shower and had just prepared my lunch. I was looking forward to watching Leo's new video while eating. But then my sister came into my room and said that I should help my father right now. I was so pissed of, got so angry and furious. The ego wanted to just watch this fucking video and eat. Eventually I got outside and helped him for an hour. But while I was so angry I was still relatively mindful about the ego's reaction. This showed me how attached I am. I had the expectation to have time to watch the video and eat. But then my expectation got ruined... Afterwards this reaction seemed so silly to me.

I meditated for one hour in the morning and did 88 minutes of sds in the afternoon. Later I will contemplate for a bit and do some shadow work.

 

Food:

I had two meals but one would have been enough. After this second meal I feel so full and tired right now. But I have met almost all of my nutritional targets.

 

The new video "The Trap Of Projection" taught me that I need to work on my projections/judgments and self image more. I also realized that I should learn from other spiritual teachers more.

[JKG]

How can people be so drastically narrow-minded, ignorant, negative, deluded, egotistical............... Its just bad when you are dependent on such people.... Family...

It are just experiences.... Ego, calm down, just experiences.

[JKG]

Thank you

• Thank you dad for being so neurotic. You show me almost all the areas in which I project my own problems onto you. You show me all the areas where I have to work on.
• Thank you mum for being so neurotic. You show me what not to do and how society is influencing people.
• Thank you sister for being naive but still authentic. You remind me of being skeptic. You show me how to love and express myself. You show me how I still am influenced by society.
• Thank you hurting right ankle. You show me how much I love running and make me appreciate the ability to run painfree.
• Thank you injured left leg. You show me how much I love it to stretch and practice a front split without pain.
• Thank you right thumb for being cut my the knife. You show me how nice it is to be able to cut food without pain.
• Thank you autumn/winter for exposing me to the cold. You teach me equanimity.
• Thank you school for wasting my time. You show me how unconscious I am and with so little equanimity. You expose me to all those stupid people from which I can learn.
• Thank you life
• Thank you Leo
• Thank you Internet
• ....

I am blessed

[JKG]

Habits-Transformation - Day 8:

• little internet time - Streak 1
  I was on the internet in the morning and now and the stuff I did was quite productive.

 

Today was a good day. I had no school and tomorrow neither. After waking up I did 68 minutes of sds and visualized the future. So in the morning I was a little bit outside. It was cold but sunny. I did some deep breathing exercises and I felt alert. I stretched and mobilized my body for about 1.5 hours and listened to Alan Watts at the same time. Then I had a cold shower. I felt amazing. I had no homework to do but studied history because I wanted to. I found it really interesting how Hitler became a dictator. I also had some fun with maths.

Later my best friend visited. We went for a walk, made pumpkin sup and had a nice deep conversation. I noticed how much I projected on her...

Now I will turn off the computer and do some inner work or meditate.

Life is good.

 - Let go of everything you fear to lose

[JKG]

Sitting and Writing in Solitude:

What am I? Who is asking this question? Who/what wants to know who/what I am?

It cannot be a perception. A sight cannot want to know anything. Neither a sound itself, a touch, a feeling, taste or smell. But a thought? All of this self-talk in the mind. Does the voice has an agenda? No, not the voice itself. The voice is creating thoughts which are just like sounds.

But meanings are projected onto those sounds. Illusions, the ego, is created. Out of perception an instance with an agenda got created. So is the ego asking 'what am I'?. Yes. Am I the ego? No, I am not a perception.

What am I, if I am not a perception?

Who cares? I don't care.

Edited November 1, 2016 by quantum

[JKG]

Habits-Transformation - Day 9:

• little internet time - Streak 0
  well this seems harder than I thought. When I have no school there are so many times when i am attempted to use the internet. Tomorrow is school again, so it will be easier. Maybe I will make myself question what I want to do on the internet and why before using it and visualize the long term consequences.

 

Mindfulness:

After waking up I did sds for one hour. Later in the morning I went for a one hour bike ride. At one place I became conscious very frequently but just for a very short time (roughly 10-30 seconds). This happened very often because I observed the trees and nature around me. A few times I was conscious for about one or two minutes.

After the bike ride I did another sds but only for 31 minutes. I spontaneously stopped and started preparing lunch very consciously. While preparing and eating the lunch I tried to to self inquiry. I recognized that very slow action is necessary for this. Otherwise I get lost in the action very easily.

 

In the afternoon I had a lot of free time. So I let my intuition guide me. The intuition wanted to crack walnuts very consciously. I enjoyed that. Then the intuition wanted to puzzle. In the past I really enjoyed that too. But the ego interrupted. The ego rather wanted to learn history or stretch because that would be more productive. But I had the 'magnetic pull' towards puzzling. The ego just wanted to study or stretch because of my identification of being a good student and healthy. So I puzzled. Meanwhile I wanted to stay mindful and listened to Shinzen Young (Organizing Your Practice).

Later I went to the graveyard with the family. I thought about the absurdity of the anthropological Christian picture of god and how much suffering the people create for themselves.

 - Mindfulness is key

 

[JKG]

Habits-Transformation - Day 10:

I've changed my mind. Yesterday evening my subconscious came up with the idea that strictly limiting internet time isn't the best way to approach this problem but a neurotic one. Let's rather take the 'Awareness is curative'-approach. It's rather about being mindful what I am actually doing on the internet. So now I want to implement the habit of firstly visualizing what I am going to do on the internet. Thinking about the long term consequences (distraction, lack of focus) and in which way I can use the internet usefully. Let's say I will use a timer and set it on 2 minutes. In these 2 minutes I will do this visualization and afterwards I will be allowed to use the internet. I am happy with this conclusion

 

Mindfulness:

After waking up at 5:30 I did 90 minutes of sds! This was a goal of mine for quite a while. Now I think I will increase the time in 5 minutes steps if possible. I remember than about one year ago I did a 2h sds session. Today after the sds I did self-inquiry for about another 40 minutes. It is hard to really question my existence when all the time the monkey mind is present.

In school I was very unconscious. In the lunch break I did another sds session for about 50 minutes and without real focus.

All of the food of today I ate relatively fast and unconscious. And therefore I ate very much. I think I will implement a slow and mindful eating habit as well. I hope this will not the too much.

[JKG]

Dreams:

Somehow I was able to recall 4 dreams in the last 3 nights spontaneously without the intention. I wrote them down in my old dream journal. I remember that they could be useful for shadow work. That is pretty logical because dreams arise just from the subconscious mind. Maybe this is my intuition showing me hints. Maybe I will be able to lucid dream when I develop my mindfulness/consciousness more and more.

 

Dancing:

I never have been dancing or singing. I always thought that it would look stupid or sound weird. I am scared of what other people would think of it. But two days ago I just tried to dance and it was a lot of fun. I feel a connection to my body and let the body be guided. I feel love and compassion. Maybe this is also something my intuition wants me to do.

 

Not giving a fuck:

And my intuition also wants me to not give a fuck about other peoples opinions. My mother told me that my father is worried about me. I would meditate too much and would get into a sect.... If I would be him, I would probably also be worried. But he is so unknowing, narrow-minded, ignorant, that just trying to explain this to him would have no effect at all. With his point of few I would also get anorexia because I don't eat breakfast. But I am eating currently about 2500-3000 kcal a day..........  don't give a fuck. Maybe I could explain a little bit to my mother. But my father is a helpless case.

I also don't want to give a fuck about other people in school. I just want to wear whatever I want.

 

Letting go:

As I worked out today after school in the dark I questioned again why I am doing this at all. Why am I doing strength training? I like endurance training much more, I love biking at the moment and stretching. The ego doesn't want to lose its few muscles and strength. This is a neurotic attachment. Let go of everything you fear to lose. My intuition is telling me this too. I want to workout however, whenever, however frequently, and however long. Doing whatever I want to do.

 

My intuition is telling me a lot of things lately. I am thankful for this, and its leading me into an awesome direction. I think the latest video about the intuition has been one of the best ones and from which I have learned almost the most - maybe with the exception of a few meditation techniques.

[JKG]

Why am I so ful of energy? I just want to release all this energy. I want to go for a sprint, but its dark outside and tomorrow I'll have to sit all day in school.

Maybe its because I have eaten so much. Or is it a sign of increasing consciousness?

I cannot sleeeeep

[JKG]

Habits-Transformation - Day 11:

• visualizing internet usage - Streak 1
• slow mindful eating - Streak 0
  After 10 hours of school I completely forgot this

 

Mindfulness:

81 minutes of sds in the morning. In school I was completely unconscious and still am now. I ate nothing until 6pm, so I ate very fast and unconscious. I am still very hectic now. I bought the booklist with the help of my best friend. I am too excited. I have to read sooo much. I also had to learn for the English exam tomorrow. 

Now I will slow down. Become mindful again.

[Gabriel Antonio]

It's good to hear that someone else was as impacted as I was with the moralizing video. Booo for should statements

[JKG]

7 hours ago, Gabriel Antonio said:

It's good to hear that someone else was as impacted as I was with the moralizing video. Booo for should statements

Yeah, these should statements have made a lot of things clear in my mind. Just neuroticism

By the way, today I found a great speech by Osho about similar stuff.

[JKG]

I HAVE TO MASTER LIFE:

I just have to master life fully. I just have to. I live in the greatest time to master life. I have one of the best lives possible to develop my potential fully. In the past and still today almost nobody has such good external circumstances, opportunities to get to highly developed stages of human potential. And if someone has such opportunities, he will probably have a lack of open-mindedness, radical open-mindedness!

There is no choice. I have to.

I will do whatever it takes to develop myself fully.

There will be a ton of resistance on the journey. But that is exactly the reason why the journey is worth it. The journey is the best journey possible. A beautiful one.

With this big picture in mind everything else seems silly. I will execute whatever my intuition is telling me. I will be become a diligent executer of the voice inside of me.

(I wrote this yesterday evening, after being so inspired and motivated by the pure wisdom I will be able to find in the books from the booklist)

[JKG]

Habits-Transformation - Day 12:

• visualizing internet usage - Streak 2
  it starts working. I didn't was on the internet after school although I firstly wanted to. Then I just did my homework without distraction.
• slow mindful eating - Streak 0
  ate only lunch slow and mindful

 

Mindfulness:

52 minutes of do nothing in the morning. Unconsciousness in school because I had to write an English exam. I liked writing the exam, I liked the text, I liked my summary, analysis, mediation and comment, a good exam. Did my homework unconsciously, ate relatively mindfully, was doing research unconsciously, was biking sometimes mindfully, worked in the garden sometimes more mindfully, ate unconsciously, was on the internet unconsciously.

Somehow I am such a hurry and hectic. Why? I am acting so fast. Why? Slow down!

When my mother told me that I should do all the work in the garden I got upset. I had planed to do something different today. The ego had different expectations. But then when I actually did the gardening work it was quite enjoyable. I often just had to laugh. I was thinking about reality. I am the only one in this consciousness. I don't even know whether other people exist or not. Why should I care about them?   Absurdity. Just happiness, while my father was in rage.

[JKG]

Habits-Transformation - Day 13:

• visualizing internet usage - Streak 0
• slow mindful eating - Streak 0

Why am I lying to myself? I said that I would visualize my internet usage for 2 minutes every time that I intent to use the internet. I never did that, I just thought about it quickly. Therefore it had no real effect except from yesterday. If I continue being so sloppy with transforming my habits, I will have no results / very few like in the last years. I know how to change habits, but I don't apply my knowledge.

• I know that one should only change one habit at a time
  -> I will only focus on the internet habit
• I know that it is effective to use 100% commitment
  -> "I commit on visualizing the internet usage everytime before I intent to use the internet for 2 minutes. REALLY!"
• I know that every addiction is the avoidance of emotional labor. The ego is trying to avoid the purifying fire of my existential emptiness
  -> while visualizing I will get clear about this fact
• I know how effective positive and negative visualization is
  -> I will firstly negatively visualize what will happen if I avoid emotional labor. I will have no results. Then I will positively visualize how my life will look like when I have no internet addiction whatsoever
• I have read "The Power of Habit" and know that there is a guide to change habits
  -> I will apply this guide in the next post in a few minutes

 

Mindfulness:

In the morning I meditated a lot. Firstly 90 minutes of sds and afterwards about 60 minutes of self inquiry and do nothing standing and sitting. Now in the afternoon/evening I did another 58 minutes of sds and 50 minutes of self inquiry and do nothing standing and sitting. That are more than 4 hours, jey! In the self inquiry session I got a little little sense that I am more than this body-mind-identification-thing.

For the rest of the day I again was pretty unconscious, but I will not go into details here. Why should I talk about all the negative stuff?

But what was positive that I again was working in the garden for 1.5 hours. And I found it enjoyable again and was a little bit more conscious.

[JKG]

The Power Of Habit - Applying to the Internet Habit:

(you can download the pdf here from the authors website if you want)

Step One: Identify the Routine:

Cue: currently not doing a particular a task, slight boredom, wanting some input, ego wants distraction from existential emptiness

Routine: turning on the computer/phone, looking at WhatsApp, looking at this forum, watching YouTube videos, distracting myself from emotionally more challenging tasks

Reward: ego feels appreciated by occasionally getting reputation or being mentioned on this forum (why??), being "up to date" about what is happening at school or on this forum, getting new ideas and being inspired

summary: boredom -> getting information -> feeling appreciated, up to date and being inspired

 

Step Two: Experiment with Rewards:

What could I do instead of using the internet to still get the same reward?

I could...

• go to my sister and talk to her for a few minutes (-> craving: socialization or appreciation)
• go outside and walk around (-> craving: a break from work)
• go outside and do breathing exercises (-> craving: lack of energy)
• stretch or do some light exercises like a handstand (-> craving: lack of energy)
• meditate (-> craving: relaxation from mental work)
• read a book (-> craving: need for new input)

This is the stuff that I will try out the next days. I will journal them I think. But I will still use the internet, just sometimes I will do something else.

After having done the different routine I will note down my feelings/emotions/thoughts in my notebook. 15 minutes later I will look within myself if I still have this desire to use the internet.

 

The next steps I will do after having tested the rewards and routines.

Edited November 5, 2016 by quantum

[JKG]

Plan for the next days regarding habits:

• visualizing 2 minutes before using the internet using a timer
  • negative visualization
  • positive visualization
  • realizing the fact that every addiction is the avoidance of emotional labor
• testing out different rewards and routines (socializing, moving, meditating)
  • writing down my feelings, emotions and thoughs
  • looking 15 minutes later if I still have the desire to use the internet
• 100% commitment - no excuses
• listening to my intuition

[Self-Mastery]

On 6/6/2016 at 10:45 AM, quantum said:

Since yesterdays video about "How To Stop Moralizing" I feel so different, so relieved.

I watched Leo's video about morality almost 8 times. It had a significant impact on how I look at world! I hear you