Removing Should-statements And Eventually Reaching Enlightenment

[JKG]

Monday, 16/08/08 - Discovering new Life Purpose

Meditation:

In the morning I meditated for 60 minutes and in the afternoon for 72. Both times I did strong determination sitting combined with self inquiry which didn't really work. No new insights.

I got the idea that I could do self inquiry not just in sitting, but also at waking or normal activities. And another idea is doing strong determination sitting with multiple layers of hoddies to make myself hot and sweaty, I hate that.

 

Life Purpose Work:

I read a few pages in the history book. I am so grateful that I didn't live in those times. All those troubles and wars happened just because of neurotic, ego driven emperors. It is insane how many people died because of their stupid desires.

I wanted to redo a few exercises of the life purpose course, but somehow I didn't. But I began to program the game 2048. It will just be a bad copy, but I want to get back into java programming. I need to develop my programming skills a lot for my new purpose.
I also looked at sacred geometry and tried to let a program paint the flower of life. I still have to figure out how to do this. 

 

Things that I am grateful for:

• living in the 21st century in a save country
• a new relatively short haircut
• the equation suffering = discomfort x resistance

 

Ways that I could have made today better:

• eating more mindful
• eating less

 

I think I will program a bit more now and then watch a bit of the Olympic games, or maybe not.

[JKG]

Tuesday, 16/08/09

Meditation:

I did 1.5h sds in the morning. It went really well, just had very little pain. And after maybe 30 minutes I had to close the window because of the intense smell of slurry outside the house. At the end I felt like I could have meditated twice the time.

In the last days I felt like I have overcome a plateau. In the last year I had almost no progress in meditation and spirituality. Now after my retreat I feel that I have grown inside. I am a little bit more aware throughout the day and conscious about the fact that all of this is just perception.

Today e.g. I have faced my fear of spiders. I had to clean stuff outside of the house and there were so many huge spiders, spider webs and spider nests. Sometimes I saw that I just see some shapes and colours there. And who has fear inside me? The ego, but where is it.
And who is controlling my actions, where I move in the next moment and what I talk. There was nothing I found. Everything is determined.

I want to challenge myself tonight and meditate until midnight. That will be about 3 hours.

 

Life Purpose Work:

I read nothing, I just programmed more and made quite a bit of progress.

I thought about what my new life purpose could exactly be. My impact statement is definitively about increasing consciousness, and maybe more concretely about pinpointing the people towards self-actualization and Enlightenment. And at the moment I am fascinated about the beauty of mathematics and geometry. Maybe I could produce pictures with code that look so beautiful that people become are moved by them and think about their lives...

 

Things that I am grateful for:

• spiders
• food
• coding
• mathematics

 

Ways I could have made today better:

• spending less time surfing on the internet

 

A cool and open-minded mathematician I found on a non-duality video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PFkZGpN4wmM

[JKG]

Update on the meditation in the evening: I did 77 minutes of sds and then another 17 minutes of unconscious sitting around and waiting. At the end of the sds it was very uncomfortable and painful, I could have sat there longer, but my ego wanted to go to sleep. Then the ego won the battle with my higher self.

I see how I am creating again should statements for myself. "You should keep on meditating, you should beet the pain, you should not move"... Maybe I 'should' stop challenging myself and just going with the flow, meditating whenever I want to and as long as I want to.

[JKG]

Wednesday, 16/08/10

Enlightenment Work:

Until now I only meditated for 60 minutes in the morning. I will do more this evening with an open end.
EDIT: I didn't meditate in the evening, instead I watched the Olympics...

This afternoon I was pretty aware and in a spiritual mode, very calm... My best friend was here, we have been taking a long walk in nature, talked... I tried to explain her the concept of Being- and Deficiency-Cognition.

I have found a cool mantra. "Be here now".

 

Life Purpose Work:

I only programmed a little bit.

 

School:

Today in two weeks the school will begin again. And I have to revise a little bit for my advanced classes chemistry and maths. Now every day I will revise a little bit. Today I started the reaction mechanism called radical substitution.

 

Things that I am grateful for:

• walking and talking to my best friend
• buckwheat porridge with cacao
• being here now

 

Ways that I could have made today better:

• why should I do things better when there is no duality? And who could do those things better?

Edited August 11, 2016 by quantum

[JKG]

Thursday, 16/08/11

Today I have almost done just meditation, programming and eating (except from 1h of biking and a lot of useless surfing on the internet).

Enlightenment Work:

60 minutes sds + self inquiry in the morning, 73 minutes sds + self inquiry in the afternoon, changing posture and another 40 minutes of self inquiry, and finally 31 minutes self inquiry in the evening.

The Ego 'exists' nowhere else than in the mind, in the perceptions of thoughts. And from there it influences the other forms of perception. When we do 'Flattening the Illusion' with thoughts and the Ego, the Ego will dissolve. Could that be a good technique towards Enlightenment?

 

Life Purpose Work:

I programmed a lot today and make very good progress. I love it so much. The only annoying thing is that I have to stay in my room with my noisy computer. I'd rather want to move and be outside.

 

School Work:

None. Programming was too exciting.

 

Things that I am grateful for:

• dried apricots
• so many bananas
• actualized.org

 

Ways that I could have made today better:

• spending more time outside
• surfing less, way less...

[JKG]

Friday, 16/08/12

Enlightenment Work:

60 minutes sds in the morning and 47 minutes in the late afternoon. I looked the whole time at a dried pineapple and tried to become one with it. Did non really work, because I drifted always away with my thoughts.

I recognize that so often I complain internally about my family that because of them I couldn't meditate as much as I want to. But when I actually have the time, I don't meditate so much like today afternoon. And somehow I resist meditating much longer than 1.5h. This time is like a mental border.

 

Life Purpose Work:

I programmed like 4h. It makes fun but I dislike so much being all the time in my room. Maybe I could do everything else outside my room.

 

School Work:

I finished with the reaction meachanism sr and started with ae. And I remembered that I still have to read a drama for English class, shit. I will probably do that on the last day before school.

 

Things that I am grateful for:

• a bit warmer weather, not it are 21 degrees again
• a watermelon

 

Ways that I could have made today better:

• surfing less

[JKG]

Goals for Saturday

• spending less that 4 hours on electronic devices
• 1.5h meditation in the morning
• conscious eating with all electronic devices shut down

[JKG]

Saturday, 16/08/14

I wanted to edit the post above now, but it seems like I cannot edit it a day later...

Enlightenment Work:

1.5h mostly do nothing in the morning and 43 minutes in the afternoon outside in the garden. I looked at wood, heard the neighbours metal music, birds and cars, so I spontaneously decided to try the mindfulness meditation. Normally I don't like this kind of meditation because I drift away so often. But today it worked really well and I became so relaxed.

If non-duality is true, where can be there a difference between all those kinds of sensations. Where is the difference between knee pain and a sound of a bird? There cannot be a difference, because duality does not exist. The difference just lies in the meaning we interpret out of the sensation. And the meaning is also just a kind of sensation.

I got the idea that the human being is just a machine. And somewhen the machine realises that it is just a machine. The machine is taught inside of a loop, it cannot really excape of, a loop with a lot of unpleasant things. And when the machine breaks out of the loop, there is no code anymore that could cause it suffering.

boolean ego_exists = true;
while(ego_exists) {
  do_this();
  change_that();
  interpret_sensations();
  feel_emotions();  
}

//and somewhen the 'intelligent' machine finds something inside of one of those methods
//...

ego_exists = false;

//the machine escapes from the suffering loop 
//maybe this is the concept of samsara

 

Life Purpose Work:

I programmed for like 4 hours and dealed with problems with Layout Managers. They just don't want to function the way I want them to...

 

School Work: None

Things that I am grateful for:

• spending more time outside
• apples from my grandmas garden
• salat

 

Ways that I could have made today better:

• not watching the Olympics
• not being at the pc while eating

 

In the morning I had to work in the garden of my grandma for like 3 hours. It was nice to be more outside and move.

All the time today I spent at the computer I started a timer. This prevented me from surfing too much shit on the internet.

[askdfjnak]

Hey, if your parents won't let you travel on your own, you could convince them to let you go on a youth exchange. I did one through Rotary straight after high school. I didn't have to pay anything and got to travel over 15 countries when I was 17-18!
Here's a link to their basic site, you'll have to check your own countries info to find out more about it.

It was really awesome, I'd recommend it to anyone.
 

[JKG]

9 hours ago, Marc Schinkel said:

Hey, if your parents won't let you travel on your own, you could convince them to let you go on a youth exchange. I did one through Rotary straight after high school. I didn't have to pay anything and got to travel over 15 countries when I was 17-18!
Here's a link to their basic site, you'll have to check your own countries info to find out more about it.

It was really awesome, I'd recommend it to anyone.
 

Thanks! I will definitely check it out tomorrow

[JKG]

Saturday, 16/08/14

Enlightenment Work:

37 minutes before lunch with the new guided meditation from Leo, I will call this meditation 'technique' now 'letting go'. After the guided meditation was over, I continued for a bit. Then in the afternoon I did another 75 minutes with 2 interruptions of letting go and self inquiry. I also rewatched the video about how to stop moralizing which brought me into a meditative state.

Do I exist???? If I do exist, I have to be located somewhere and I have to be some-thing. Where am I??? Everywhere? Nowhere? But what am I?

" 'I' 'should' 'do' 'X' "

'I' -> a concept
'should' -> not accepting the reality
'do' -> not being
'X' -> another concept

When I thought about this stupid phrase I had to laugh so hard. We are conceptualizing about stupid concepts which have nothing to do with reality and so make out of our lives a hell. No wonder that we live miserable lives.

 

Life Purpose Work:

I programmed only 2 to 3 hours because I rather wanted to spend more time outside and cooking.
The best ideas to some problems I am having with my game I get in the middle of meditations. The subconscious mind is tricky

 

Things that I am grateful for:

• watermelon
• reality
• being almost alone at home next week and having so much time to meditate without interruptions

 

Ways that I could have made today better:

today was already great

 

Now I am watching the Olympics again, just because I want to. I do not care about my mind telling me stupid should statements anymore

 

 

[JKG]

Monday, 16/08/15

Enlightenment Work:

25 minutes of letting go in the morning, 60 minutes sds before lunch, 60 minutes sds after lunch and 46 minutes sds after dinner.

I need to develop more equanimity. I need to surrender to the pain and let it go. But thats hard as long as my ego is resisting. . . . .

 

Life Purpose Work:

I only programmed for 1.5 hours today. I rather wanted to do other stuff. And my code becomes slowly but steady more and more confusing and unclear. But today I learned how to use Key Bindings in Java, I wanted to learn it for a long time but I procrastinated for the whole time.

 

School Work:

I do not want to do school work. My intuition didn't wanted to, so I didn't. I still have eight days left. And soon the weather will become rainy again, so then I have more time to do school work...

Things that I am grateful for:

• being born into a family that is able to afford a lot of great food.
• being more independent for a week
• my intuition

 

My parents and my sister are away until Friday. That will be great, because then I can meditate where and whenever I want to, and can eat what and whenever I want to. Right now I just feel a bit lonely.

This day my intuition guided me most of the time. I recognized a lot of should statements, mostly ignored them and simply did what I desired to do. I'll see what this will lead me to this week.

I began to watch this weird lecture. It really challenged my open-minedeness, but those alien things seem possible. Well, I don't know what I don't know.

[ttm]

On 8/13/2016 at 10:07 PM, quantum said:

And when the machine breaks out of the loop, there is no code anymore that could cause it suffering.

boolean ego_exists = true;
while(ego_exists) {
  do_this();
  change_that();
  interpret_sensations();
  feel_emotions();  
}

//and somewhen the 'intelligent' machine finds something inside of one of those methods
//...

ego_exists = false;

//the machine escapes from the suffering loop 
//maybe this is the concept of samsara

Here's my take on this:

class Person
{
	public $fucked_up;

	public function __construct() {
		$fucked_up = true;
	}

	public function born() {
		$self->start_processing();
	}

	private function start_processing() {
		$data = $self->get_input();
		try {
			$this->create_feelings($data);
		} catch (StackOverflowException $e) {
			if ($self->get_random_boolean() == true) {
				$fucked_up = false;
			} else {
				$this->self_destruct();
			}
		}
	}

	// in order to understand recursion, you must first understand recursion
	private function create_feelings($input) {
		$this->create_thoughts($input);
	}

	private function create_thoughts($input) {
		$this->create_feelings($input);
	}

	private function get_random_boolean() {
		return false; // value was randomly choosen by fair coin flip
	}
}

while ($people_are_still_having_sex == true) {
	$person = new Person();
	$person->born();
}

 

[JKG]

Should statements I am making often| and their opposite:

• I should meditate longer | I shouldn't meditate longer
• I should eat less | I shouldn't eat less
• I should move more | I shouldn't move more
• I should spend more time outside | I shouldn't spend more time outside
• I should stop criticizing other people | I shouldn't stop criticizing other people
• I should work more for school | I shouldn't work more for school
• I should read more | I shouldn't read more
• I should figure out my exact life purpose | I shouldn't figure out my exact life purpose
• I should eat less grains | I shouldn't eat less grains
• I should visualize every day | I shouldn't visualize every day
• I shouldn't fall back into bad habits | I should fall back into bad habits
• I should look happier to other people | I shouldn't look happier to other people
• I should be more grateful | I shouldn't be more grateful
• I should work out harder | I shouldn't work out harder
• I should go to my limit | I shouldn't go to my limit
• I should have more equanimity | I shouldn't have more equanimity
• I should stop surfing on the Internet | I shouldn't stop surfing on the Internet
• I should watch less You Tube videos | I shouldn't watch less You Tube videos
• I should help more | I shouldn't help more
• I should stretch more often | I shouldn't stretch more often
• I should be more conscious | I shouldn't be more conscious
• I shouldn't go into monkey mind mode so often | I should go into monkey mind mode often
• I should contemplate death | I shouldn't contemplate death
• I should stop judging anything | I shouldn't stop juding
• I should stop making should statements | I shouldn't stop making shouldstatements
• I should be enlightened | I shouldn't be enlightened
• I should give more | I shouldn't give more
• I should spend less time on this forum | I shouldn't spend less time on this forum
• I shouldn't sit so much | I should sit so much
• I should be selfless | I shouldn't be selfless
• I shouldn't be so selfish | I should be so selfish
• I should absorb more vitamin d | I shouldn't absorb more vitamin d
• I should be more concentrated while meditating | I shouldn't be more concentrated while meditating
• I should meditate more effectively | I shouldn't meditate more effectively
• I should watch more spiritual videos | I shouldn't watch more spiritual videos
• I should be 100% vegan | I shouldn't be 100% vegan
• I should have more willpower | I shouldn't have more willpower
• I shouldn't watch the Olympics | I should watch the Olympics
• I shouldn't eat snacks so often | I should eat snacks so often
• I should loose weight | I shouldn't loose weight
• I should talk more | I shouldn't talk more
• I should spend more time with my sister | I shouldn't spend more time with my sister
• I should show more love | I shouldn't show more love
• I shouldn't be neurotic | I should be neurotic
• I should be normal | I shouldn't be normal

And now I should stop this...

 

[JKG]

Tuesday, 16/08/16

Enlightenment Work:

60 minutes of letting go with the guided meditation in the beginning in the morning, 60 minutes of do nothing after lunch and 20 minutes the guided meditation of letting go to show it to my best friend. And when the sun goes down I will go outside and meditate there for a while.

Isn't letting go, accepting everything, letting go of should statements etc Enlightenment. If I let go of everything, everything will go away and just reality remains. Sounds plausible.

 

Life Purpose Work:

Nothing really. I didn't desired it, so I didn't do it. But I probably would have, if I didn't met my best friend.

But I started to redo the value assessment exercise of the life purpose course, because it feels like my current list of values are not 100% authentic. Something there is wrong.

 

Things that I am grateful for:

• baking with my best friend
• the lentil-broccoli salad by my grandma
• the sun

[JKG]

Wednesday, 16/08/17

Enlightenment Work:

66 minutes of do nothing in the morning and 72 minutes of do nothing and self inquiry in the afternoon.

I felt that I am none of these sensations, but somehow I ended my meditation session there.

I watched this video and it is a really good summary of all the spiritual teachings. I feel like I really understand spirituality, but I know that this is not really the case.

 

Life Purpose Work:

I programmed for about 2 hours and am really confused with all of my code.

I continued doing the value assessment exercises and the list I am coming up with feels much more authentic.

 

Things that I am grateful for:

• the life purpose course
• all spiritual teachers
• melons

 

I could write today much more but at the moment I am feeling so sick. I am having a crazy headache and feel like I could puke all of my dinner out. I just want to go away from this computer screen.
But somehow I am grateful for these sensations right now. I could practice equanimity right now...

Edited August 18, 2016 by quantum

[JKG]

Stopping to care about others opinion:

Yesterday I went to the supermarket to buy some fruit and that was really funny.

Let me first describe my physical appearance: Right before going there I was running, so I wore my running shorts and my neon yellow running shirt. I probably also looked really sweaty because of the running. My legs were really hairy because I didn't shave them for a month. My hair was really oily because I want to let it become healthy again. And on my back I had my sexy red backpack.

Everybody else I know at my age would never go outside looking this way. They are so limited by caring about the opinions of others. I never cared as much as them about my physical appearance. I just wear clothes that are comfortable and look okay. But a year ago I wouldn't have went outside the way that I did yesterday.

So I went into the supermarket and bought like 2 watermelons, 4 honey melons, 3 mangoes and a pineapple. And then I saw a 'friend' from school. I hope she didn't see me. The cashier looked at me weird and I just had enough money with me to pay.

Then I had to transport all the fruit somehow back home. I was there just with my bike and a backpack. I managed to put 4 of the 6 melons into my backpack, two melons and the mangoes had to go into the basket at my bike. And the pineapple was half inside of my backpack, but the bushy top looked out of it. I had to look really funny with all the fruit. There was an old man sitting in a cafe nearby laughing at me. And almost every biker I passed on the way back home smiled. I also had to laugh about me so hard.

I think this was a good step to stop caring what others think about me. And I will challenge me even more when school starts again. I think I will start wearing more comfortable clothes that are not looking so 'normal' or socially accepted in my school, like my hiking trousers or running shirts.

[JKG]

Thursday, 16/08/18

Enlightenment Work:

70 minutes of do nothing in the morning and before lunch. My mind somehow does not want to meditate much longer than this, and when it does, it is a real challenge. I am just thinking "when will the bell ring, I want to stop, I could do this and that afterwards...". I could let go of that, of that what my monkey mind is telling.

I finished watching the video by Adyashanti. I really like his way of teaching.

 

Life Purpose Work:

Nothing again. I thought that I could use the time that I am alone at home better. When my parents are back tomorrow I will program more again.

 

Things that I am grateful for:

• sun
• getting clearer about my sexuality
• getting my values sorted out

 

Sometimes I love eating, sometimes I hate eating. I hate it especially when I eat too much. And yesterday was one of those days. I could have been not eating for all day today, but there was food that would have been taint...

[JKG]

Friday, 16/08/19

Enlightenment Work:

53 minutes of do nothing in the morning, 16 minutes of death contemplation before lunch, 40 minutes of letting go before going to bed.

In my normal meditation sessions I first just relax and try to still my monkey mind with do nothing or letting go. That takes 30 to 60 minutes. Only after that I start with self inquiry, but at that time my mind also begins to thinking about when I could quit, what I could do after the meditation, boredom... That interrupts my self inquiry attempt so often, that I never get deeper into the self inquiry. And after I hear the bell that indicates that I did 60 minutes, I normally stop not much sooner.

 

Life Purpose Work:

I prioritized my values, but nothing more.

 

School Work:

I started to read the book for English class. It is about the American Dream and about Hip Hop / battle rap, what a chimp game...

The new timetable for the upcoming school year got published on the website of my school. And my timetable is very shitty... Almost everyday I have school in the afternoon (once or twice until half past 5pm, and the other times until 5pm) , but many free time in between the lessons. That is somehow annoying. But once or twice I only have to go to school at 10am.
I talked with my best friend about the new timetable and I got into this negative thinking and complaining mode. In the school time I am always so negative, because everybody else is it too. I complain about the organisation, the teachers, other students, homework... But when I think about it objectively, it is not that bad, it could be much worse, and I am really lucky that I have the possibility to go to school. So why do I complain?

 

Things that I am grateful for:

• getting started with school work
• knowing my new timetable

 

My parents are back home... they annoy me, but I now I don't feel so lonely anymore

Today I was really lazy. Almost the whole morning I just watched stupid You Tube videos and didn't move at all.

[JKG]

Saturday, 16/07/20

Enlightenment Work:

52 minutes of do nothing in the morning, 60 minutes of the guided (edited) neti neti meditation.

As I was really trying to find the nothingness in the neti neti meditation and I failed. And later in that sitting after finishing the guided part, I realized that I want to reach Enlightenment too much, and this wanting/attachment prevents me from getting it or experiencing the nothingness. I need to let go of that and of everything else (like success and good grades in school), but that is hard. How should I do this?

 

Life Purpose Work:

I prioritized my values again and tried to figure out my new Zone of Genius, but this is hard. I don't know if the answers I am writing down at the work sheet are right...

I wanted to code a little bit, but the Internet was gone. And coding without being able to search for solutions on the Internet is not so sensible.

 

School Work:

I summed up stuff for chemistry and wrote it down nicely. And I revised stochastic stuff for math and did a few exercises. I love math, but I hate probability stuff.

 

Things I am grateful for:

• calling my best friend
• seeing how depended I am on having Internet access
• seeing that I am too attached

 

Since yesterday evening our Internet and telephone connection was gone. So until this afternoon I only had Internet access on my phone and that was really slow. I had to do things where I don't need the Internet like school work or thinking about my life purpose.

I also stopped procrastinating and started to edit the neti neti meditation. I wanted to do this for a long time, and finally I did it. I edited out of the audio file the stuff where Leo explains things about open-mindedness... which just annoyed me. And I added a few breaks with just silence where Leo is to fast for me.