I love my girlfriend but I really want to cheat on her

[Cineva]

I'm 22 , I've always been a relationship guy and committed to staying with women for at least 1 year since I was 16. My father told me since then a couple of times that I shouldn't stay in relationships and just go out and be with as many women as possible in my teenage years just as he did. The belief that a young guy should have sex with as many partners as possible also got deeper ingrained in my mind after talking with a lot of people and hearing the general mentality of what a young man is supposed to be. Because of  that I always felt like a wuss for being too romantic and staying in relationships partly for that reason and partly because I don't consider myself as the man that society portraits as being an alpha fuck-machine. Every time when a relationship ended I promised myself that I won't commit to any woman but every time I would meet somebody that I would fall in love with and forget about this ridiculous idea of becoming a seed spreader ( lol ) After a couple of months (usually around 6-7 months ) when the main euphoria passes and my mind comes back to me I also come back to the idea that I should be a combo fucker ( lol ). My dilemma is that I genuinely love my girlfriend but a part of my mind is infected with this idea and I fall into lust for other women. I've been honest and discussed this with her and she said that as long as I still love her everything is fine. She kind of gave me the idea that she would be fine if I sleep with other women as long as it's only sexual.  I really don't want to get to that point in which I start messing around and I just want to learn  how to understand my sexuality... I really want to stop my sexual urges that are spread all over and learn how to channel them on her only.

Any thoughts ?Maybe some good books on the topic to recommend? 

 

[DrewNows]

Seems like a conflict of beliefs, all of which are adopted. 

I just got the book the way of the superior man by david deida and i am excited to give it a read. Cant really recommend it yet but you seem to be looking for more grounded beliefs you can align with. Sometimes experience is the best way to figure out these personal principles you wish to live by 

Good luck! 

Edited December 12, 2019 by DrewNows

[mandyjw]

It feels awful to split our energy and have conflicting desires. We all want to be focused. The best way to build focus and feel whole without seeking things all around in all directions is through meditation. Meditation doesn't have to be a formal practice but that's the easiest way. It also builds our sensitivity and openness to knowing what we want, and makes us more aware when we are behaving in ways that split our own energy or ultimately might hurt others or disappoint ourselves. Try to clarify why you want to be faithful to her, focus on why you love her. Make your focus more about what you want rather than trying to avoid the behavior you don't want. When you get good at focus, then on clarifying what you want, repression and old patterns lose their power. 

[bejapuskas]

Just now, mandyjw said:

It feels awful to split our energy and have conflicting desires. We all want to be focused. The best way to build focus and feel whole without seeking things all around in all directions is through meditation. Meditation doesn't have to be a formal practice but that's the easiest way. It also builds our sensitivity and openness to knowing what we want, and makes us more aware when we are behaving in ways that split our own energy or ultimately might hurt others or disappoint ourselves. Try to clarify why you want to be faithful to her, focus on why you love her. Make your focus more about what you want rather than trying to avoid the behavior you don't want. When you get good at focus, then on clarifying what you want, repression and old patterns lose their power. 

I have a similar experience, I used to have a crush on many girls at the same time, flirting with all of them, but then I noticed that it's creating a lot of mental mess and dishonesty, which aren't exactly my values, as they hinder growth. You have to decide this for yourself though.

[Leo Gura]

Lust for other women is common for men. It's just how we tend to be wired. But this idea that you should deliberately sleep around is stupid if you are already in a happy relationship.

I would say, if you like this girl, commit to being with her. And if it doesn't work out and you become single, then you can sleep around at that time.

There are times to sleep around, but when you're in a loving relationship already isn't one of those times.

Be mindful that you sleeping around would cause her lots of suffering and it would certianly destroy your relationship. She will never forgive you for sleeping around. Nor should she, because you're acting like an ass, throwing away a good thing by thinking with your dick.

[Elisabeth]

@Cineva Separate your belief that you should be sleeping with other women from your desire. I get a very strong impression from your text that those two are getting mixed up in a tangle which makes the issue impossible to work with. I think you can very safely question/dismiss/let go of the belief, as you know it's not even yours. So do that, and see if any desire is left and work with that.

It's possible that even the desire can be let go off completely, but imho that's harder and maybe unnecessary. Most people have a desire to sleep with or love another person than their life-partner from time to time. People work with it differently: Monogamous people will either suppress (not recommended), or enjoy the lust and then let go of it, less monogamous will pursue in some controlled (or less controlled) way. So these are your options.

In your twenties, you are in a good place to experiment a bit with how your desires work, and how relationships can be custom-built to suit everyone. However, if you and your girlfriend are going to go down the route of open relationships of any kind, be aware that 

• Sex and feelings are not as easily separated for most people.
• Yes, this is a "danger" to your relationship - it will be a learning curve and it doesn't need to work out for several reasons. Take an informed risk.
• Jealousy and double standards (i.e. "I want to sleep with others, but I'm not comfortable if my partner does the same") are common in people's feelings and take effort to work through.
• Tit for tat mentality ("If you have an outside connection I want one too") doesn't work either, as life is chaotic, and people actually have different needs and preferences (i.e. while one partner might be happy with sex only the other one may really be looking for emotional connection).
• Imposing a ton of rules on your outside connections is also problematic

I advise you to a) look at your actual needs and desires rather than societal expectations, b) inform yourself about best consent practices and be considerate to everyone involved, c) actually read some good text about open relationships/swinging/ (polyamory <-although that doesn't seem to be what you aim for right now) or get in touch with some local sex-positive community, such as a swingers or kink club. 

Otherwise, enjoy

Edited December 12, 2019 by Elisabeth

[Sempiternity]

Maybe ask her if she wants to sleep with other men (or women). If she does, maybe you can both look in to polyamory. It takes a high level maturity, knowing yourself, knowing your partner's comfort boundaries, and a high level of communication and negotiation. You both have to completely transcend all jealousy and ownership issues. It's not easy, but once you get in to it, and you see it working for the both of you, it's having your cake and eating it too. So if you can be ok with her having sex with others, this may be an option. I've done poly most of my adult life, and it can be wonderful. Orgy parties are quite fun, as well as sharing sex with all your friends. 

Edited December 12, 2019 by Jed Vassallo

[Ananta]

9 hours ago, Cineva said:

She kind of gave me the idea that she would be fine if I sleep with other women as long as it's only sexual. 

Really? Wow. That's pretty amazing. I doubt she really means it though.

What about a three some?  So, she's there and participates, so it's not technically cheating?

I've not done this, ever, so it's just a suggestion that came to mind, but perhaps not a good one? I don't know.

[Preety_India]

1 hour ago, Cineva said:

I've been honest and discussed this with her and she said that as long as I still love her everything is fine. She kind of gave me the idea that she would be fine if I sleep with other women as long as it's only sexual.  

 

Oh dude, I don't know if she is being funny or sarcastic or fake.. I mean a real woman will never say that. So maybe she is testing you who knows. But don't fall for the bait. 

And if she really means it, she has low self esteem or is going to flip out of the blue when it actually happens. Expect everything. 

You don't want to hurt your relationship if you really love her. 

Be honest to yourself before being honest to her. Do you really want to have sex with someone while still having a relationship. I mean it's obviously cheating.. 9 out of 10 people don't want relationships that involve cheating. It's a no no.. So take your bet. 

 

And the seed part. There are too many seeds in the world already. You don't have to worry about your seeds. Just worry about your relationship then the seeds will take care of themselves. Much of the pickup culture will help you with sexual needs and rest of it is just bullshitting you with the alpha male syndrome. 

Make up your mind. If you are into her, others won't matter. If you're not into it, nothing matters and it's best to not hurt her and move on and do what you like but spare her the pain. 

 

[assx95]

5 hours ago, Anna1 said:

What about a three some?  So, she's there and participates, so it's not technically cheating?

@Cineva Anna is probably a genius for suggesting this, consider this. 

 

[Emerald]

To what degree do you actually want to sleep around?

And to what degree is that desire artificially created by social expectations and a fear of being judged?

If it's the latter, why is that so important to you?

If you can answer that last question and see the need/desire to avoid being judged for what it is, it will likely get you out of this internal bind.

 

[Lento]

Whenever you break-up with your awesome girlfriend (and you will), give me her digits lol.

[Adodd]

You're 22. It will get easier. Stay disciplined. Its a natural impulse that you must LEARN to control. You wouldn't someone you love to suffer short and possibly  long term.  If an action will cause another to suffer than it would be very selfish to be ok with them suffering just because you are getting a short release. You are only going to be getting off for a few seconds compared to her hours and hours of mental suffering.

Psssstt!!!

(If it continues just Jack off)

[Chakra Lion]

I was in the same boat at 22. Wanting to go after my pleasures and exploring others while I was in a relationship for 7 years already at that point. Communication is important, sharing each others feelings, thoughts, and expectations can make the difference between cheating or knowing that this one person is more important than getting a quick high of pleasure or whatever it is, and that sacrifice for certain satisfactions will lead to much greater rewards. I was also addicted to porn and drugs, my thoughts were not stable, and my outlook of the future was blurry. 

Now a few years later, our marriage is stronger than ever. We created a Temple for the two of us, but also opened ourselves to the world. We are in an open relationship, and I don't even care for it as much as I would have back then. To me now, its about connecting with others in an emotional and mental way, not so much physically. 

Communication / Honesty / Trust = A Healthy Relationship 

[Gili Trawangan]

3 hours ago, Chakra Lion said:

I was in the same boat at 22. Wanting to go after my pleasures and exploring others while I was in a relationship for 7 years already at that point. Communication is important, sharing each others feelings, thoughts, and expectations can make the difference between cheating or knowing that this one person is more important than getting a quick high of pleasure or whatever it is, and that sacrifice for certain satisfactions will lead to much greater rewards. I was also addicted to porn and drugs, my thoughts were not stable, and my outlook of the future was blurry. 

Now a few years later, our marriage is stronger than ever. We created a Temple for the two of us, but also opened ourselves to the world. We are in an open relationship, and I don't even care for it as much as I would have back then. To me now, its about connecting with others in an emotional and mental way, not so much physically. 

Communication / Honesty / Trust = A Healthy Relationship 

How did you get over jealousy in order to have an open relationship? Was it not even an issue for you?