Goals

[Amandine]

 

WTF?!

Main points (in bold) from Leo's video The Dark Side Of Meditation

You cannot be following actualized.org and not meditating, that's not going to work because the stuff I'm gonna be talking about is going completely over your head because you have no idea what awareness  or consciousness really are and how little of it you have unless you've started meditating so that's for the newbies

01:01 but what I'm talking about in this episode is really some advice for those of you who've already installed the habit, have been meditating and are now starting to reach into the intermediate and advanced stages of meditation. So this means you've been meditating consistently every single day for at least six months or 12 months or a couple of years 

01:25 what's going to happen is weird stuff will arise as you meditate and you will discover perhaps in a shocking way that meditation is not all rainbows and butterflies the way you initially assumed. Some of the stuff that comes up is freaky, weird and downright alien, and very negative sometimes and it can blindside you and sabotage your meditation habit so what I'm going to talk about here is the dark side, stuff that's counterintuitive, stuff that you would not expect to arise from a simple meditation habit.

02:10 So what is this stuff? Well there's a whole list. Now before I tell you all this stuff I want to preface it by saying that you're not necessarily going to encounter all this so don't go hunting for it because a lot of this stuff can be negative and if you don't experience it that's fine. These are like side effects. If a drug has side effects that means it can happen, it doesn't mean that it will happen to you, but if it does happen to you a lot of this stuff is very common, don't be surprised, you've been warned.

02:42 So firstly expect hyper annoyance and crankiness, this is very common and usually it comes in spells like you're meditating for weeks for weeks, everything's going great, you're becoming more calm and more peaceful and then you reach one week in your meditation routine where you're just annoyed by everything, hyper annoyed by little, little tiny insignificant things that you would think you're totally beyond, like the air- conditioning or the humming of your refrigerator will start to annoy the hell out of you or maybe your cat or dog will start to annoy the hell out of you for no reason and that might take you by surprise, or you just become cranky and you have this kind of spell of crankiness that lasts for a few days or for an entire week or maybe for an entire month.

03:38 Also expect hyper judgmentalism when you become hyper judgmental of everyone around you, especially people that are close to you like your family, your spouse, your girlfriend, your boyfriend, your children, and so forth, expect that. It will come about in spells again, might last for a few days may last for a week, might last for a whole month and I don't want you to be blindsided by that.

04:04 Expect wild mood swings up and down that can last from days to weeks where you feel terrible or you feel really high like you're on cloud nine because you've been meditating now and you're getting growth and everything's feeling wonderful and you think that that's just how it is now, that's your new level, you think you've arrived but a few weeks pass and then you crash into some deep depression and you wonder to yourself "no no I've lost it. What happened? I thought I'd arrived" but see that was just a wrong expectation. The fact is you will have many wild mood swings throughout your entire meditation career so get used to that.

04:47 Also expect feelings of loneliness to come over you, sometimes expect feelings of disgust, anger and frustration and these can vary from very mild forms of these emotions to very, very heavy forms where you just feel like you're the most lonely isolated human being on the entire surface of the earth, or you're just completely pissed off and angry about the the political party and what it's doing to the country or whatever. 

05:25 Expect crying, that's totally fine, nothing wrong with that, expect insomnia, sometimes you're going to have these manic episodes where we have a lot of energy come up and you're not going to be able to fall asleep because you're excited to either by new possibilities or you're agitated or anxious about something that might happen.

05:46 Expect depression and meaninglessness to wash over you. I can almost guarantee that if you're going to meditate for longer than a year that you will be hit by some serious spells of depression and that's totally normal, that's par for the course, and you will at times feel like your entire life is meaningless, everything you've done is meaningless, your family is meaningless, your career is meaningless, your relationships are meaningless, even meditation is meaningless and self-improvement is meaningless. You'll experience all this stuff, this is just par for the course.

06:35 Also expect to have interference with your work from your meditation habit. You're going to be meditating and meditating and then all of a sudden you realize "my work, my career, it's so meaningless. Why am I putting all this effort and all this emotional labor into it?" and so you might want to quit your career or you might get disgusted by it or whatever, that's totally normal and usually that comes and it passes so the trick with all these things is to not get triggered by them and then to make some sort of rash move as a reaction against just this negative emotional energy or this fear or self-doubt that's bubbling up from inside of you.

07:28 What meditation is doing is surfacing stuff from your deep subconscious mind and that stuff comes up to the surface but if you don't expect that then that's when you can get into trouble because you will then react against that stuff which is largely illusory, but then you reacting to it can cause some real damage in your life.

07:50 Also expect interference with relationships especially your closest intimate relationship with your spouse or your girlfriend or boyfriend and also your family relationships. You might feel like "oh what am I doing in this relationship? Why am I even married to this person? We're such a wrong match", and you're going to get all this kind of self-doubt going. That's totally normal.

Expect some rash judgments, you might feel like "oh okay I gotta quit my job and I've got to get a divorce. I've gotta drop my family and my children and move to a cave in India" . You might have some sort of fantasy like that come into your mind while you're meditating and then you think "okay that's what I've got to do now" and then you go and actually do it, and the mistake is to act on that too quickly without letting that plan or this fantasy just kind of like work its way through you. Usually what'll happen is it'll pass in a few days so be aware of  that.

08:53 And other kinds of rash judgments. You might have a rash judgment to sell your IRA and to liquidate all your stocks and all your assets and to donate all that money to charity and then if you act on that too quickly you might come to regret that.

09:11 Also expect suicidal thoughts. I can almost guarantee that if you are meditating effectively you will have more suicidal thoughts than you've probably ever had in your life and that's if you're a normal person. I'm not talking about suicidal people, I'm talking about totally normal people. Me from my meditation habit I never have really suicidal thoughts but from my meditation habit alone, the more I meditate the more suicidal thoughts I have, and that's totally fine. I recognize that. I don't take them very seriously and therefore they don't bother me but someone who's not expecting that could get freaked out by that and could actually maybe think that they're going to take action on it which could become a problem.

10:00 Expect some freak out moments. Some days you just start to freak out and you're not even sure why. You get into an argument with your spouse or your children for no good reason. You're just blaming them for stuff or you're agitated at them. You're snapping at them, you're being passive-aggressive, this sort of stuff.

10:17 Expect ego backlash. This will surely happen to you at one point or another and it'll happen many times and what I mean by ego backlash is that as you're meditating, you're dissolving your ego over time, that's basically what you're doing. But when the ego gets dissolved too much too fast, it tends to come back with even more force than it had before and starts to really behave in nasty petty egotistical ways which is exactly why you might start to get into arguments with people that otherwise you shouldn't have gotten into.

11:05 You might turn back to old habits that you've worked through already like you might go binging on ice cream and on greasy food even though you've already cleaned up your diet. You might go binge on television even though you've stopped watching television for years. You might go start doing drugs again or alcohol or smoking cigarettes even though you haven't done that for years. You might go on a sex binge and go sleep with a bunch of random strangers on one-night stands even though you don't usually do that. You might get addicted to money again. Maybe you've weaned yourself off the pursuit of money and the pursuit of success in business and then you've been meditating a lot and all of a sudden it's like "oh my business, I got to get back to my business, I gotta earn more money" and then you'll go and start chasing that again, so this is all stuff that I call ego backlash. And this can feel demoralizing because it feels like you're taking a step backwards because here you are meditating for years and now you're eating junk food, doing drugs and chasing money again. Like "what's this about? I thought I was supposed to be growing and becoming more spiritual and it seems like I'm just regressing?" but that's just a phase , that's something you have to work through and go further and what I've noticed is that every time I have a strong ego backlash if I am mindful and vigilant of it and just kind of avoid the most negative behaviors, try to limit the most negative behaviors possible with that backlash and just kind of monitor it then usually within a couple of weeks it dissolves and then I'm back better than ever.

12:51 So with all these things you have to understand that these are temporary and when we're told that meditation makes us more spiritual, makes us more aware, dissolves our ego and all this other good stuff, makes us calmer and happier that's true but only in the long run is that true. That's not true in the short run that's where people really go wrong is that they assume it is just going to be straighforward positive linear progression from the moment they start meditating and that's just completely unrealistic 
 

13:27 Expect hyper horniness, sometimes you can be meditating and maybe you've got off porn and you stop having frivolous sex and then you just have this spell of incredible horniness and you want to like jerk off every day or you want to go have sex with a bunch of people and it's like you can't get it out of your system, it's just like you feel like this horniness coursing through you.

13:57 Expect old repressed memories to come bubbling up, stuff that you have completely forgotten about, stuff you might think you've worked through. It's gonna be some traumatic stuff especially if you had traumas in your childhood, stuff that you've repressed, stuff that was very negative, maybe examples like abuse, sexual abuse, any kind, like near-death experiences that you've had, bullying, humiliation, embarrassment, all this kind of stuff that you would normally not want to think about, that will come bubbling up, also family stuff will come bubbling up because many of your memories, the earliest memories, you have are of your childhood and especially if you had a turbulent childhood which wasn't all rainbows and butterflies then definitely expect that stuff to come up and definitely expect all sorts of family issues like mommy issues, daddy issues, sibling rivalries, resentments, all that kind of stuff.

15:07 Expect crazy monkey mind, expect sometimes to have waves of insanity and madness wash over you where you just feel like your mind is like a swarming hive of bees and the more you try to control it the more out-of-control it gets and you just sit down you try to meditate, you try to do your normal technique, and nothing is working none of your normal techniques of working expect self-doubt where you start to doubt yourself, you start to doubt your technique, like this technique has been working for months and now it just feels like "oh man this technique it's stopped working it's not working anymore".

15:57 Expect nightmares, weird dreams where in your dreams you're living out weird fantasies like having sex with your mother or killing people or butchering your dog with a cleaver or something like that, you know unpleasant images in your mind when you're sleeping.

 

to be continued/...it gets worse ...

**********

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited December 24, 2019 by Amandine

[Amandine]

Eye floaters still there. Flashing light came back a little, just in the evening last night.

Ha, there may be more to floaters than meets the eye, if this eye-opening website is anything to go by. 

https://www.eye-floaters.info/

 

Goal Report Day 9 (Chewsday 24 Dec 2019)

?Goal #1: no wine (not on the agenda for today, tomorrow for Christmas Day I'll be sharing a bottle of champagne with hubby though)

Goal #2: minimum 20 minutes meditation (rested my eye today, only did a very short session of meditation, to show up)

?Goal #3: Mindful eating, 4 baby steps (see below, on-going updates during day) 

?Goal #4: be brief, 3 baby steps (see below, on-going updates during day) 

?Goal #5: minimum 8 hours sleep (11.30 pm, awake 7.30 am = 8hrs)

?Goal #6: minimum 40 minutes indoor bicycle 

?Goal #7: minimum 30 mins Wellbox (did a face session today)

****************

As a seasoned procrastinator, I've been spending (and "wasting"?) too much time writing on the forum instead of doing the Self Work, which I feel might just be subconscious resistance.

I also find I want to help and focus on others here instead of focussing on myself.

I really get carried away typing, and sometimes write tons of stuff only to self-censor and then delete a lot of it.

As a bit of a OCD perfectionist, I'm a stickler for good grammar (punctuation, spelling, etc) and am also over-concerned with the semantics of my texts so that the meaning of what I'm trying to say will not be ambiguous but is clear and inoffensive to the reader, so I sometimes edit obsessively, even if I see a frigging comma missing. All time-guzzling stuff, which is really frustrating me, life's too short. 

So will have to establish some boundaries to help me manage my writing better, because I really need to find the time instead to do the self-actualizing work, this is after all the priority here.

This "brevity Goal" is a real challenge for me, in fact it is maybe one of the hardest out of all my goals, so have been failing miserably with it over the last few days.

My hubby calls me "Madame Flow", I overheard him complain to his friend "I haven't talked to my wife in 3 weeks, I didn't want to interrupt her".

  Just kidding!

Seriously though, I think the "be brief" goal hasn't been working for me because it is too vague and not specific enough, so I've decided to create some baby steps to help, using "minimum/maximum with numbers (which in an OCD way seems to be serving me well so far). 

I feel a bit guilty limiting myself to just a one-sentence message to people (sorry folks), but tell myself that the reader will actually probably be more grateful having a "quicky" to read than a long, time-consuming missive anyway.  I do read what they have to say though, which is the essential thing. 

So Goal #4: be brief entails 3 important baby steps:

1. Maximum 5 messages a day.

2. Maximum 1 sentence a message. 

3. Maximum 5 minutes a message.

***************

Goal #3: Mindful eating

8 am Large capuccino

 

Breakfast 12.20 am Muesli

30g Bjorg sugar-free organic "Fibres" muesli, 10g granola, 10g oatbran, 50g fresh forest berry fruits, 10g organic unsalted cashew nuts, 10g dried apricots and 150ml organic sugar-free soy milk. 2 large cups of black tea.

Results

1. Seated? Yes ?

2. Only activity? Yes ?

3. mini 30 chews? Yes ? 

4. mini 20 minutes? ? 

 

3.20 pm "Pre Christmas Shop" snack

Large Capuccino, 6 small vanilla lemon protein biscuits (40g) (30 chews? Yes ?)

 

6 pm "Post Christmas Shop" snack

50g forest fruits, 2 soy youghurts, 25g Daco Bello fruit&nut mix, large cup of herbal tea (30 chews? Yes ?)

 

Dinner 7.30 pm Chicken satay and veggies

100 g chicken, 200 green beans, a tsp olive oil, 10g peanut butter.

Results

1. Seated? For most of the meal, but tasted my dish a little bit before sitting down. Naughty habit.

2. Only activity? Yes ?

3. 30 chews? no counting while eating with hubby but chewed well

4. 20 mins? Yes ?

*******************

Goal #4: be brief ?

Results

?1. 5 messages maxi? 1st (Bill W), 2nd (Bill W), 3rd (mmkay), 4th (borisbritva), 5th (Arcangelo) 

?2. 1 sentence maxi? 1st (Bill W)? 2nd (Bill W)?, 3rd (mmkay)? 4th (borisbritva)? 5th (Arcangelo) ?

3. 5 minutes maxi? (starting from tomorrow)

 

I'll have to hide my keyboard as I'm not "allowed" to answer any more messages for today! I'll have to answer any further messages tomorrow now.

I "cheated" a bit by sometimes making the one sentence super long, putting commas where ordinarily I would have put full stops.

Or I'd find myself adding a quote, joke, or link to "flesh my message out" as I always have the feeling I could do more, give more, help more, but that also guzzled time as I then wasted time searching on the internet for them, duh, so that's obviously counter-productive.

That's why I've added the 3rd baby step today (5 minutes maxi per message), to my 3 initial baby steps.

This "be brief" goal might sound anodyne, banal or frivolous, but I'm learning to accept myself  better by accepting that my short messages are enough as they are, that I am enough as I am, which is quite new to me. So Less is more. 

I often put myself in the shoes of another, and have a natural tendancy to want to rescue people, help people, teach people, so could easily spend my whole day on the forum lost in people's problems, replying to requests for help, or advice, etc. so I really have to watch out for this, because I've honestly got loads of frigging things to do and they're not getting done, and the only person suffering from that is me. 

The "be brief" goal then is to indirectly deal with the latent resistance, because it is easier to spend your time trying to help others instead of turning the focus on yourself.

To sum up then, this goal touches on so many things for me: perfectionism, setting boundaries, preocrastination, OCD, rescuing, over-involvement, co-dependency, etc

I'm only a Newbie and think with time I'll be able to strike a better balance. 

 

Another very good day goal-wise. ?

Happy I had thought of breaking the "be brief" goal down into baby steps, and feeling optimistic that that will now help liberate some time for me to advance in my own work.

 

Am a bit worried with my left eye though, the floaters seem less prominent since going out shopping this afternoon, but it's like there's a sort of veil over the eye now (with thousands of tiny specks), and so its vision is less acute. If it continues I will book an appointment soon to get it checked out. 

 

Edited December 25, 2019 by Amandine

[Amandine]

Thanks @BorisBritva  all the best for you and your mate, you sound like a good friend supporting him, I hope he gets better, good luck! ?

Edited December 24, 2019 by Amandine

[Bill W]

Thanks for typing up all that video from Leo about meditation, very helpful!

And great joke on raising the bar perfectionist post on my journal 

[Amandine]

Goal Report Day 9 (Christmas Day 2019)

Goal #1: no wine (I'd already planned to celebrate Christmas by sharing a bottle of champagne with hubby)

Goal #2: minimum 20 minutes meditation (only a short session, giving my eyes a rest due to "floaters")

?Goal #3: Mindful eating, 4 baby steps (see below, on-going updates during day) 

?Goal #4: be brief, 3 baby steps (see below, on-going updates during day) 

?Goal #5: minimum 8 hours sleep (11.50 pm, awake 7.50 am = 8hrs)

?Goal #6: minimum 40 minutes indoor bicycle 

?Goal #7: minimum 30 mins Wellbox (did a body session today)

******************************

Goal #3: Mindful eating

8 am Large capuccino

 

9.30 am 

Large black tea, 6 small vanilla lemon protein biscuits (40g) (chews? Yes ?)

 

Lunch midday party time!

1/2 bottle champagne, canapés/petits fours, smoked salmon, lemon cake

Results

1. Seated? Yes ? 

2. Only activity? No (while chatting and watching contemporary Dance on tv)

3. mini 30 chews? (Not counting but chewing carefully where possible)

4. mini 20 minutes? Yes ?

 

2 pm Pre work-out snack

Large Capuccino, 6 small vanilla lemon protein biscuits (40g) (30 chews? Yes ?)

 

4.40 pm Post work-out snack

50g forest fruits, a soy youghurt, 10g Daco Bello fruit&nut mix, 2 large cups of herbal tea (30 chews? Yes ?)

 

Dinner 7.30 pm

some green beans, a little chicken and peanut butter but small amount (tired possibly due to champers earlier?) 

Results

1. Seated? Yes ? 

2. Only activity? Yes ? 

3. mini 30 chews? (Not counting but chewing carefully where possible)

4. mini 20 minutes? Yes ?

*******************

?Goal #4: be brief 

Results

1. 5 messages maxi? 1st (Bill W), 2nd (mmkay), 3rd (CuteCornDog), 4th (Arcangelo), 5th (Raphael) 

2. 1 sentence maxi? 1st (Bill W)? 2nd (mmkay)?, 3rd (CuteCornDog)? 4th (Arcangelo)? 5th (Raphael) ?

3. 5 minutes maxi? 1st (Bill W)? 2nd (mmkay)?, 3rd (CuteCornDog)? 4th (Arcangelo)? 5th (Raphael) ?

 

Another very good day goal-wise. ?

Felt tired towards evening (that I don't usually feel) so am putting that down to the champagne effects.

Happy the "be brief" goal is working better.

Am still a bit worried about the "floaters" and sudden blurred vision in my left eye, so am only doing a very short one (instead of the usual 20 minutes) to rest my eyes.

I will book an appointment with the opticien tomorrow to get it checked out and in the meantime repeat the following affirmation:

"I am willing to release the pattern within me that is creating this condition". 

Edited December 26, 2019 by Amandine

[Amandine]

On 24/12/2019 at 2:45 PM, Bill W said:

Thanks for typing up all that video from Leo about meditation, very helpful!

And great joke on raising the bar perfectionist post on my journal 

Haha read all about the Dark Side at your own peril, you're brave reading that before your new meditation plan , but just to let your know, I'm hoping to finish it off today (don't wanna be a killjoy but the stuff gets worse and worse, there are horrors ahead!), and in true OCD style, plan to do the same for the other videos I've watched (with main summary points in bold) which will be a reminder in the months ahead about the gist of what had been said, happy christmas @Bill W ! 

Edited December 25, 2019 by Amandine

[Bill W]

3 hours ago, Amandine said:

Haha read all about the Dark Side at your own peril, you're brave reading that before your new meditation plan , but just to let your know, I'm hoping to finish it off today (don't wanna be a killjoy but the stuff gets worse and worse, there are horrors ahead!), and in true OCD style, plan to do the same for the other videos I've watched (with main summary points in bold) which will be a reminder in the months ahead about the gist of what had been said, happy christmas @Bill W ! 

You know there is something you might really like if you haven't discovered it yet. Another OCD cracker jack like us (I'm joking, what he did was awesome) typed up almost word for word many of Leo's videos. I think it's called ACTUALIZED.ORG TEXT BOOK and there is a thread somewhere on it. I think you can even download it in either Word or PDF format. I'm loathe to tell you this because it might mean your husband does not see you for several days while you work your way through the text. If you don't know about this let me know and I'll try and find it. 

[Amandine]

On 25/12/2019 at 11:37 AM, Bill W said:

You know there is something you might really like if you haven't discovered it yet. Another OCD cracker jack like us (I'm joking, what he did was awesome) typed up almost word for word many of Leo's videos. I think it's called ACTUALIZED.ORG TEXT BOOK and there is a thread somewhere on it. I think you can even download it in either Word or PDF format. I'm loathe to tell you this because it might mean your husband does not see you for several days while you work your way through the text. If you don't know about this let me know and I'll try and find it. 

Thanks @Bill W I'd never have known that existed without you ?, that's going to be really helpful for me, I do like to start at the "beginning" and also see the "big picture" in a nice, tidy way, I've actually already listened attentively to a ton of videos, and then I like to go back at least a second time and listen to them again to take them in properly, and either putting in bold the main points or just summarizing the gist of them in a nutshell, it doesn't actually take long as I just copy/paste the tapescripts already available on youtube (I do have to "tidy" the text up quite a bit tho' as punctuation is non-existent and the subtitles are sometimes nonsense), but if I had to write them from scratch, I couldn't be fagged.  

 

Edited December 26, 2019 by Amandine

[Amandine]

Goal Report Day 9 (Boxing Day 2019)

?Goal #1: no wine 

Goal #2: minimum 20 minutes meditation (just short session as eyes feel hot when I close them due to optician's eye drops)

Goal #3: Mindful eating, 4 baby steps (not great, due to lack of time and eye worries, will get back on track tomorrow) ?

?Goal #4: be brief, 3 baby steps (see below, on-going updates during day) 

?Goal #5: minimum 8 hours sleep (11 pm, awake 7.20 am = 8h20)

Goal #6: minimum 40 minutes indoor bicycle (no time, at optician's for most of the afternoon) ?

Goal #7: minimum 30 mins Wellbox (no time, at optician's for most of the afternoon) ?

******************************

Goal #3: Mindful eating

8.15 am Large capuccino

 

Breakfast 10.20 am Muesli

30g Bjorg sugar-free organic "Fibres" muesli, 10g granola, 50g fresh forest berry fruits, 10g organic unsalted cashew nuts, 10g dried apricots and 150ml organic sugar-free soy milk. 2 large cups of black tea.

Results (Not great, feeling worried about my eye) ? 

1. Seated? Mostly tho' naughtily started nibbling some cashews peckish while standing preparing it in kitchen, so No?

2. Only activity? No (was worriedly reading up on eye floaters at the same time) ?

3. minim 30 chews? Didn't count (cos reading) but chewed well ?

4. minim 20 mins? Yes ?

 

11.45 Snack 6 small vanilla lemon protein biscuits (40g) and herbal tea (chewed well? Yes ?)

 

Lunch 5 pm croque monsieur salad

4 slices wholegrain bread, 2 slices cheese, 110g Iceberg lettuce, 10g mayo, 1/2 tsp olive oil. 2 large cups of black tea (same teabag) and large herbal tea.

Results (Not great, feeling demoralized about my eye) ?

1. Seated? Not really ?

2. Only activity? Yes ?

3. minim 30 chews? Didn't count but chewed well ?

4. minim 20 minutes? Yes ?

 

Evening snack 7.45 pm

a soy yoghurt with a few forest berries and 5g Daco Bello fruit&nut mix, a large herbal tea (chewed well ?)

 

 

?Goal #4: be brief 

Results

1. 5 messages maxi? 1st (Bill W), 2nd (mmkay), 3rd (), 4th (), 5th () 

2. 1 sentence maxi? 1st (Bill W)? 2nd (mmkay)?, 3rd () 4th () 5th () 

3. 5 minutes maxi? 1st (Bill W)? 2nd (mmkay)?, 3rd () 4th () 5th () 

 

 

Yes! I was able to get an appointment at the optician's this afternoon (on Boxing Day!) to check my eyes out (and hopefully rule out a retina tear or hole, which could result in blindness as a worst-case scenario).

The main worrying symptom for me right now is the diminishing quality of vision in my left eye.

My two eyes normally have the same level of vision, but this week my left eye is more out-of-focus than the right one. 

 

All my symptoms seem to point to either PVD (posterior vitreous detachment) or heaven forbid a retinal tear.

It started Monday with flashing white peripheral light (appearing mostly in the dark), giving way to "floaters" in the field of vision, you know those little "blobs" you sometimes get when looking at a bright sky, and the more you try to focus on them the more they elude you.

“Oh squiggly line in my eye fluid. I see you there…lurking on the periphery of my vision. But when I try to look at you, you scurry away. Are you shy squiggly line? Why only when I ignore you do you return to the center of my eye? Oh squiggly line…it’s alright. You are forgiven.” -Stewie Griffin

I've also noticed millions of tiny (almost invisible) dots that seem to veil my vision a bit, my view in the left eye isn't now as sharp as before. When I'm reading I'm not so aware of or bothered by these tiny sand-like dots during the day, only when I cover my right eye, and then my left eye, and compare the two and notice the difference.

I hope these dots (which represent blood spatter) are just due to a blood vessel tweaking, and not an actual retinal tear.

"The likelihood of finding a retinal tear in the presence of these "dots" is about 50%, increased from the 3% to 10% chance when they are not present."

 

So in the best-case scenario the optician will tell me that I just have PVD, and in that case I can "relax" and over time just let the floaters leave of their own accord (sometimes taking up to 6 months), the brain supposedly gets used to them, ignores them, and one is not conscious of them anymore. Not focussing on them, literally and figuratively, speeds the process. However, there is the possibility of the same phenomenon occurring at a later stage in the other eye.

In the worst-case scenario the optician will tell me that I have a retinal tear which could lead to retinal detachment , which is more serious and possibly requiring surgery to prevent blindness.

 

So I'm feeling apprehensive and impatient right now for the "diagnosis", I've 3 more hours to wait till my appointment....

***************************

.....Okay so just got back from the optician's and had lunch.

My worst fears had come true, it was indeed a frigging retinal tear.

What was worse than this bad news was the open-eye laser treatment he then proceeded to do on me, I couldn't stop thinking of Bunuel's "Un Chien Andalou".

It was torture, like hell on earth, happy christmas everybody.

What's terrible is that I have to go back on Monday so he can finish repairing the tear and inflicting his sadism, what a nightmare.

He's prohibited any form of exercise, the wellbox, reading books, prolonged internet, etc 

I did ask him if I could at least continue with the meditation.

He said yes, no probs. 

Edited December 27, 2019 by Amandine

[Amandine]

Main points (in bold) from Leo's video "The Dark Side Of Meditation" (... the rest)

 

16:28 Expect spiritual arrogance where you start to believe "oh yeah I've been meditating for a few years now, look at how unconscious everybody else is around me, look at all the unconscious stuff they do". And so you're going to develop that and you're going to probably go around and preach to those people and you're going to tell them "look you should do what I'm doing, meditate more and then you'll experience all this good stuff that I'm experiencing" but later you'll recognize that "oh, that's just me at an intermediate stage thinking that I'm at the highest stage but then later I realize that all that was just an intermediate stage, it wasn't nearly the highest stage". That spiritual arrogance was actually a function of my unconsciousness.

17:13 This whole list of stuff is all quite common stuff that you should definitely expect, don't be surprised at all if it happens to you, and not just once but repeatedly, in fact what you should start noticing is that it's a recurrent theme throughout long-term meditation, that this stuff starts coming up and some of it is very subtle, sometimes this stuff happens to you and you're not even making an immediate connection between you getting into a fight with your spouse and the fact that that stemmed from your meditation practice. Sometimes it's not an obvious connection, you only recognize it two days later after you've already gotten into a big argument because you went unconscious and you forgot about these warning signs that I gave you.

18:06 Now what's going on here? Why is there this negative stuff with meditation? Isn't meditation supposed to just make us spiritual and more conscious? Well it's a battle, it's a battle. Think about what's actually happening when you're meditating and when you're growing.To grow means you have to shed old patterns, old memories, old beliefs, old thought patterns. And how does that happen? Well your mind which is the entire collection of all that stuff, for it to grow, it needs to defragment itself and rearrange itself into a higher order smoother functioning system and how it does that is by purging and working through and defragmenting all the shit that's in your mind and if you're like the ordinary individual in mainstream society then your mind is filled with so much shit that you don't even know how much is in there.

19:25 It's everything you were taught since you were a kid, it's all the media that you ingested, it's all your religious scientific and political beliefs, it's everything your parents told you, it's everything your teachers told you, it's all the silly ideas that you thought were true when you were growing up, all the mistakes you've made, all the incorrect intuitions, all your fears, all that stuff and that's the deep core of your mind. You're not conscious of most of that stuff so when you're meditating you're actually forcing your mind not to consciously work through that but to unconsciously work through that, you are like literally defragmenting a hard drive.

20:08 But unlike therapy where you go to a therapist for years and you sit down on the couch and you talk and talk and talk about your problems that's logical, that's conscious. When you're meditating the exact same thing is happening as in therapy but it's happening automatically, unconsciously in your mind and the only signs of it that you're going to experience are these emotional swells, these mood swings, these reactions, this horniness, this depression, the sense of meaninglessness, that's how it's going to bubble up and you've got to be smart enough and vigilant enough and conscious enough to be aware that that's what's happening here in the bigger picture.

20:58 Always keep the bigger picture in mind, the best reframe you can have for this stuff is to see it as actually purging. This is actually called spiritual purification, you're purifying and purging all the toxic thoughts and emotions and that process isn't always pleasant but what's great about purification is that once the purification process completes itself then you're left with a relatively clean pure substance and then that is what is gonna be you 5, 10, 15 years from now, so you're not purified after a week of meditation, you're purified after a decade of meditation and the purification comes in waves. It's like you're purifying yourself for a few weeks, for a few months, and then some big obstacle comes in your way and you've got to really work through that and purge a lot of stuff and that's when you have your emotional freak-outs and mood swings. And then you purge that stuff after a few weeks and then you get back and things are going nice and smooth and now you're working at a higher level of consciousness until you hit the next obstacle, and then again there's going to be a few weeks of turmoil and then the next obstacle, and then the next obstacle, next obstacle. That's going to continue for years. 

22:30  That's actually what you're aiming at with meditation. So the way that I reframe this in my mind is I tell myself when I'm experiencing something negative "oh this is actually a sign that I'm growing and that the process is working and I'm excited by that" and that is enough to mollify any kind of depression that I have or any kind of like self-doubt that I have about this whole process and that allows me to stay on track. Now you might think that that's bad enough, but actually I haven't gotten yet to the weirdest stuff. What I've talked about so far is I gave you a list of the common stuff.

23:14 Now let me give you a list of the really weird shit. Some of this stuff is incredible you won't believe it's possible until it happens to you so

Here's some of the weird side-effects of meditation.

23:30 You can expect tingling, jerking, shaking and various pains throughout your body that feel very real.

23:39 You can expect to see lights and auras, bright lights of various kinds with your eyes open or with your eyes closed and they can be animated that can be very beautiful or very scary and menacing and they can look very lifelike.

24:01 You can also expect to see vivid sexual fantasies, you might even see fantasies of the opposite pole of your sexuality so if you're heterosexual you might start to see homosexual fantasies and they might be completely lifelike, not just a little daydream but like fully lifelike and of course those will tend to seduce you off the path.

24:34 You might start to behave like an animal like literally you might start to scratch yourself like an animal or crawl around on your knees or even howl howling like a wolf. Oh can you imagine that? You're sitting there meditating for weeks and then one day you just have this uncontrollable urge to start howling like a wolf and as you're doing that your spouse walks in the door. Yeah that's pretty awkward and now you've got some explaining to do and they look at you like you're going insane. "What is this meditation thing you're doing? It's turning you into an animal!" So expect that. I'm not saying that it'll necessarily happen to you but if it does don't be surprised by it.

25:22 Also expect paranormal phenomena to happen to you. What do I mean by this? That means reliving the past, having past-life experiences or seeing the future, having weird deja vu experiences, having full out-of-body experiences where you actually leave your body in a totally lifelike way and you travel to some sort of astral realm or different parts of the world and interact with various kinds of entities.

25:55 You might see spirits or hear spirits.  

26:01 You might hear weird voices in your head and they can be totally lifelike, not imagined but totally lifelike. 

26:12 You might actually see angels and demons, again not imagined but like standing before you completely real, as real as I look to you now, but it's going to be an angel or a fucking demon like out of a movie.

26:30 You might see gods, deities, giant crawling insects, praying mantis people, spirit animals that talk to you, try to tell you things or maybe that try to kill you, try to claw at you.

26:45 You might see entities, you might see aliens, you might feel like you're being channeled by some sort of extraterrestrial or that you're getting abducted or probed and all these experiences are not just like mere dreams, like a nightmare. It can be a lot more realistic feeling and looking than that.

27:09 So that's pretty weird and it's pretty far out but all this stuff is possible. And the reason it'll blindside you is because your present model of reality, if you haven't meditated for a long period of time, is that all this stuff is fiction and it's not possible. I mean how could this stuff be possible? But see you underestimate the power of your limited consciousness. When your consciousness rises, weird shit that you've never imagined all of a sudden starts to become possible. You start to become a lot more open-minded than you ever thought you would be.

27:47 And when this weird shit starts happening to you, well if you have this kind of dogmatic insistence that it's not possible, this is not supposed to happen, then you can imagine the sort of shock that you will be in.

28:01Also you might have Samadhi States. These are quite common, usually quite positive, but also they might shock you a little bit. A Samadhi state is when you actually stop existing as an individual body and you actually merge with objects like you might be looking at a lamp and you might actually merge and become that lamp, you might be looking at a car and merge and become that car, you might be looking at your spouse or your children and actually become your children literally, and that might freak you out. But generally this is something that's positive and you actually should be anticipating that if you're doing serious meditation.

28:44 You can even have a samadhi experience of emptiness or nothingness where you merge not with an object but with nothing, nothing at all.

28:55 You might also experience a Kundalini awakening which can be a freaky thing. A Kundalini awakening is when energy in your body gets concentrated then it sort of shoots up your spine into your head and then it explodes out of your head and that can be a very powerful experience. It can be beautiful but also it can be terrifying because it might feel like you're losing your mind and you actually have this weird energy moving through you and you start to behave as though your body is being controlled by a puppet master like you're not even in control of your body anymore. Your body is just moving on its own and you have no idea what the hell is controlling you. It's almost like you've been possessed.

29:44 Also you might experience a total blackout or "the Void". In Buddhism one way that they describe attainment on the path towards enlightenment is something called "neither perception nor not-perception", which is a state where you're sitting there and you're concentrating and meditating and then there's like a total erasure of reality. Physical reality stops existing for a while. Now in physical reality time that might be just a few seconds but in your time as you're sitting there and experiencing this it might feel like an eternity, like the entire world has vanished and disappeared, including your body and including yourself, and you're just sitting there as the void. That might be pretty freaky.

30:39 Also of course expect ego death. If you're serious about meditation, that's probably why you're doing it in the first place, to experience ego death. This would be something to look forward to but also ego death can be scary, can be freaky because it's probably not anything you imagined it to be. Your sense of reality will get shattered and it will expand in ways that are beyond your wildest imagination and the question is will you be open to that? Or are you not expecting it (and then that will really freak you out).

31:14 And probably the worst thing that can happen to you is "the dark night of the soul" which is basically when you start to see that everything you've ever believed and known about reality is false and completely delusional and you start to realize that reality is meaningless and purposeless, has no purpose and it has no meaning and that all your old creature comforts and everything that you've attached yourself to, all the meanings that you assigned to your family, to your career, to money, to your marriage, to your children, even to self-improvement, even to meditation, even to the pursuit of enlightenment, when you realize that all this is completely meaningless and you start to interpret that as a negative thing, you can get into the spiral of depression. That can get very dark and it's called "the dark night of the soul".

32:21 Now this isn't common but it can happen and in the worst situation it can lead to this depersonalization disorder where you actually start to feel like you don't exist as a person and you interpret that whole thing as negative but there are ways out of depersonalization disorder and there are ways out of the "dark soul". So again generally speaking, all this stuff that I'm talking about, you want to treat it as temporary phases, as just arisings or a bubbling up from your subconscious mind of stuff that you need to work through. so none of this is really ultimately negative. It's actually all very positive stuff but in the moment, for a few days, for a few weeks, it can feel very negative. 

33:17 Alright so what do we do about all this stuff? What's the recommendation? Well if you talk to a serious meditation teacher or master or an enlightened master, their advice on this stuff is actually very simple. It's actually very  easy to give good meditation advice. Here it is. Firstly just relax and realize that all this stuff is normal and that really it's no different than any other phenomenon that you're seeing around you. Seeing an alien is no different than seeing my face, it really doesn't matter, you're just attributing a different meaning to an alien because it's an alien, than to my face. And if you're seeing a demon or an angel, recognize that it's no different than seeing your car or seeing your mother or seeing a chipmunk at the park. It's really no different. The only difference is the meaning that you assigned to it and of course all your meanings are self constructed and a lot of them come from the ego. So as you start to unravel your ego this sort of weird shit will stop bothering you so much the way it does normal people. So just relax, that's step number one.

34:25  Step number two: remember, don't get distracted by this stuff. Remember what's going on here is that your ego is trying to maintain its sense of tyranny over your life. It's like you're trying to depose a dictator so when you're deposing a dictator what do you think happens? There's resistance, he fights back because he doesn't want to get deposed. Neither does your ego. Your ego and your mind and your brain are trying to maintain homeostasis so as you're pulling towards spiritual higher consciousness, it's pulling back in full force towards lower consciousness, towards egotism and the way that it does that is by sending these strong negative emotions at you, getting you to be afraid and by trying to distract you from your ultimate goal. And the only thing you got to do to stay on track, is just to keep meditating. That's really it, stay relaxed, keep your cool and just keep meditating.

35:31 If you start to break your meditation habits, that's when you know the ego has really won because that's all the ego wants. The ego wants to sabotage you, to get you to stop so that it can remain the tyrant in power. Remember that all this negative stuff is just a sign of real growth. Real growth doesn't always feel pretty the way you imagined. Newbies think of growth as positive stuff. Advanced practitioners know that growth is tough and that it requires emotional labor. That's what tells you that meditation is real and not just a fantasy because you are working through and it takes emotional labour to focus and to keep yourself on track and to not get distracted. 

36:29 Remind yourself that this is a phase. Depression is a phase, seeing weird entities and aliens and demons and stuff, that's a phase, all this is stuff you will pass through. It's not going to last forever. Remember to trust yourself, trust your higher self, trust your original motivations for why you started doing meditation. If you have a thirst for enlightenment, trust in that. There's something there that will cut through all the bullshit, all the fear, all the egotism.

37:08 Also treat yourself with love and kindness on this journey. Meditation is not about disciplining yourself harshly and self-flagellation. It's supposed to be a process of self-love. You're doing this out of compassion and love for yourself so when you sit down to meditate, be kind be gentle on yourself, both mentally and physically.

37:34  It does no good for you to start to argue with yourself inside your mind, to start to create partitions in your mind where you say "oh this part of me is bad and this part of me is good, and the good part needs to discipline the bad part" No, all of that is just more ego games.

37:50 So a lot of times when I am very frustrated or I'm going through some sort of turbulent stuff during my meditation I just remember that "hey let me just calm down and relax, let me accept all this stuff, let me not resist any of it" because you know what, I know that in the bigger picture I have no control over it at all. All my negative emotions that come up I have zero control over them and when I'm meditating, well I have zero control over that.

My only job is just to sit here and to be mindful, that's it, and the self love is so deep that if I feel like I need a short break, I will take a short break. I will meditate less. You could even stop meditating for a week if you really need to; like if you feel like this meditation is completely destroying your career, or your relationship, make a calculated strategic move to take a break for a short time, but then of course with always the intention to come back. Because the greatest failure you could experience is if you get fed up and disgusted with meditation that you never want to come back anymore. Then you've let the ego win. It's accomplished its job.

39:06 And the last thing I would suggest is to read spiritual books. Read books from people who have meditated for decades, who can give you some tips and pointers and they can keep you inspired, they can keep you connected with your original motivation for why you're meditating and they can point out the different traps to you and the different ways that you can deal with those traps so that if you do ever experience a "dark night of the soul" for example you know which book to go to, where there's going to be a bunch of advice that tells you how to deal with a "dark night of the soul". You don't want to get caught off guard by that. All right, that's it those are my tips.

39:40 Meditation does have a dark side but remember that actually the bigger the dark side the bigger the purer the spiritual purification that you will experience and the higher your consciousness will ultimately go so all this stuff is ultimately very positive so don't despair, stay on track and if you don't have a meditation yet, make sure you install it first thing starting today or starting tomorrow.

Edited December 28, 2019 by Amandine

[Amandine]

I have to go back to the optician's Monday morning to finish that torturous laser treatment. 

However, if my vision becomes blurrier before then, they've advised me to go to the emergency ward (my optician's is closed Sat/Sun).

 

I wonder to what extent this eye ("I"?) problem has to do with the positive changes I've started implementing in my life, mainly stopping alcohol and starting daily 20' meditation, with the intent to do more SA work.

Or metaphorically to do with detachment, lifting the veil, or something I'm not wanting to see in the present, future or past.

The problem came Monday morning, after listening last weekend to the video "The Dark side of Meditation". Did that video shock and scare me so much that I don't want to see what might lie ahead, making me feel insecure and unsafe?

I'm really scared of the idea of paranormal entities. That's what freaked me out the most on that video.  

 

"I am willing to release the pattern within me that is creating this condition. I am protected by Divine love. I am always safe and secure." 

 

Goal Report Day 10 (27 December 2019)

Goal #1: no wine (fancy restaurant at lunch today, so sharing a bottle of wine with hubby)

Goal #2: minimum 20 minutes meditation (resting my eyes, only a very short session)

?Goal #3: Mindful eating, 4 baby steps (see below, on-going updates during day) 

?Goal #4: be brief, 3 baby steps 

?Goal #5: minimum 8 hours sleep (11.30 pm, awake 7.30 am = 8h)

Goal #6: minimum 40 minutes indoor bicycle (will skip, exercise not advised with retinal tear) 

Goal #7: minimum 30 mins Wellbox (will skip, not advised with retinal tear) 

******************************

Goal #3: Mindful eating

8.15 am Large capuccino and 6 small vanilla lemon protein biscuits (40g) and large black tea (chewed well? Yes ?)

 

Lunch 12 midday fancy restaurant (chewed well? Yes ?)

1/2 bottle wine, some bread, some petits fours/appetizers

starter: sweetbread and mushroom 

main: free range capon, truffle and chestnut potatoes 

dessert: chocolate pear tart

followed by a couple of mignardies

 

As I am no longer drinking now on a daily basis, I notice the sheer fatigue I feel in the afternoon after having a drink at lunchtime (today at restaurant and Christmas day). Mind you it has been half a bottle each time.

The next occasion now will be New Year's Eve for another half of a bottle of champagne.

I feel able to keep the wine/champagne for very special occasions and no longer feel the need to have any everyday as I used to. 

My husband and I usually go out to a fancy restaurant once a week, so I will keep the 1/2 bottle of wine uniquely for those occasions to accompany the restaurant meal, and no longer consume any at home.

 

2.30 pm Large capuccino

4 pm 6 small vanilla lemon protein biscuits (40g) and 2 large black teas (chewed well? Yes ?)

8 pm Some organic raviolis with grated cheese and slice wholegrain bread (chewed well? Yes ?) 

 

Edited December 27, 2019 by Amandine

[Amandine]

Leo's meditation videos already watched:

1. Meditation for Beginners - the "no manipulation technique" (see Dec 20 in this Journal for notes) 
2. The Dark Side of Meditation (see Dec 23 & 26 in this Journal for tapescript)

3. Benefits Of Meditation

Meditation is nothing but just sitting down and clearing your mind of thoughts. 

Why do it? 

* Reduces stress, better focus, peace and tranquility and less negative, distracting thoughts.

* Builds up your pre-frontal cortex (controlling impulses, self-discipline, less procrastination, sharper thinking)

* Improves your performance, calms you down, makes you grounded.

* Makes you more mindful, happy to be right here in the moment realaxed (better decision-making, less influenced/distracted/tempted)

* Makes the brain healthier, stronger and reduces the effects of brain degeneration with age (memory loss, Alzheimer’s).

* Makes you feel fulfilled without external stimulation, without worrying about the past or the future.

* Cleans up Your subconscious (ego evolves, things seen as more unified, childhood/early adult baggage let go, self freer, no longer held back by past)

* Helps shed limiting beliefs and resolve a lot of stuff that is bothering you, triggering you, holding you back (stuff bubbles up from subconscious, you deal with it consciously and resolve those conflicts, then get tranquility from that, no longer triggered by it).

* Helps towards enlightenment.

Enlightenment is something I’m a little bit hesitant to cover, especially in a newbie, introductory, quick segment like this, because enlightenment is a very deep topic. It takes serious commitment to reach. If you’re not willing to spend years, maybe a decade or more, in serious contemplation and meditation, then you’re never going to reach it.

I think a state of enlightenment is something you can really shoot for. It can be a long-term vision of yours. It’s really awesome, because what happens when you reach a state of enlightenment is literally your ego melts away. The petty distinctions that you make right now, the judgements, the criticisms, all the emotional baggage that you have, all that melts away. You become one with the source. You become one with the universe. You see everything interconnected.

You feel like everything is love. You drop all the fears that you have. You drop all the anger and the pettiness. Life just becomes a joy. Just a joy, right now, in the moment. 

Leo's personal development blueprint n°55: Meditation calms the monkey chatter in your head, puts you in flow, raises your consciousness, and unhooks you from stimulation.

*************************************

4. Meditation Techniques: Do Nothing (for all stages, Newbies and advanced)
I sit down and center myself, then in my mind I say "okay now I am doing nothing" and then I let go of control over my attention, over the need to stop the monkey mind, I let the mind literally do whatever it wants to do. 
It is basically a complete acceptance of the present moment. You sit motionless, as still as possible, don't scratch your itches, and keep your eyes wide open so you don't fall asleep. The only way you can do this technique wrong is by trying to do something with your mind like trying to get somewhere, trying to become enlightened, trying to reach some goal. What you're training yourself to do is to accept both the monkey mind and the calmness. What's beautiful about this technique is that it's really hard to do wrong because all you have to do is just let go of of any need to control and then you know you're doing it right. The second beautiful thing about this technique is that it's really effortless, it requires virtually zero skill, zero energy so you could do this technique when you're dead tired. Even though you're letting go of control of your mind and you're not trying to direct your focus or thoughts, you are still maintaining control of your body. So if you're sitting there very still that's actually going to be difficult to do, you might want to scratch your face or move around in your seat, or lean back because your back is aching or something, so here you exercise control and you maintain your posture and you keep your eyes wide open. If you're getting sleepy, your eyes will want to close and you're going to force them open so there's a lot of control being exerted physically on the body but no control is being exerted over the thoughts. You only need to let go of control of your intention to control your mind and only if you can. Monkey mind is still meditation if you're using this technique. The only thing you're doing is watching for those moments where you're trying to take control and you're releasing control.

I recommend that you accept the present moment whenever you sit down to meditate. Always remind yourself "Why am I resisting the present moment? Why can't I just accept it?" and then just accept it. Also relax your jaw, keep it a little bit loosely open and keep reminding yourself of that as you're meditating. Also let your breathing be deep and natural. You don't need to try to control your breathing, just stop restricting it. You need to have faith that the "do-nothing technique" is very powerful. Give it at least a whole month before you judge it. 

The way meditation works, and this is what most people do not understand about meditation, is that it's like a purging of your unconscious and subconscious mind. You have shit in your mind that's decades old that your mind is kind of dealing with and struggling with. When you force your mind to actually sit down and be still, fully in the present moment, your mind can't be still, it's moving around like that,so in order to stabilize itself what it has to do is it has to purge crap that's making it anxious so when you first force this kind of process you kind of clamp it down, you try to force it. What happens is that it even creates more resistance and so this creates this kind of friction in your body and also in your mind and to reduce this friction, purging has to happen and so that's what happens if you're doing meditation effectively, you'll get these moments of monkey mind and craziness and anxiety and then a week later there's a release, it's finally purged, and then you're calm, you've reached a new level of calm and then you keep practicing and what happens is again that tension and that friction starts to build up and then again there has to be a release.

It's almost like tectonic plates in the Earth's crust which rub against each other and they're kind of stuck next to each other and then there's more and more pressure being put on them and then finally they release and there's an earthquake. Those earthquakes when they happen in your mind, those are the true signs of progress on this journey so don't worry about too much monkey mind here. Have faith that it will all just automatically work out for you.

*********************************

So far, we've seen the "No Manipulation Technique" (see 1. above), neither manipulating the mind nor the body.

Then, the "Do Nothing Technique" (see 4. above), not manipulating the mind but keeping the body still. 

Here, on this next video, we have the "Clear Mind Technique", trying to keep the mind AND the body still.

5. How To Meditate: The no-bullshit guide to meditation

This is a very foundational video that gets you to actually practically start meditating in your life (the benefits-see video above for these, the how to, the common pitfalls) 

Do you want an exceptional, extraordinary, successful, fulfilling, happy, peaceful type of life? Or is it going to be a frantic, neurotic, chaotic, overstressed, overwhelmed, making-stupid-decisions, self-sabotaging kind of life?

You can even ultimately reach enlightenment, you can literally reach this very blissful, peaceful state which is your natural state, but which is obstructed by all the crazy monkey chatter that’s going on. This is just the truth that you are one with the world, you are one with everybody else. When you can attain this state then the amazing thing about it is that you feel very peaceful, totally content, totally fulfilled without needing anything else in your life. This is the ultimate state you can shoot for with your personal development.

Meditation is basically just sitting down and quieting your mind. Just being aware of exactly what’s happening in the present moment. 

It’s the ability to just focus your mind on basically nothingness, nothing in particular, and not getting caught up in thought stories. What’s going on in your head is that all the time you’ve got these stories that come up. What can happen is either you go along for the ride with this story or you don’t, you just observe the story just kind of wearing itself out, fizzling and bubbling away. That’s what thoughts are in your mind.

There are different techniques: some of them have you focusing on a mantra or an affirmation that you say to yourself, some of them have you do particular breathing exercises, some of them have you counting your breaths in a specific way, some of them just have you trying to clear your mind constantly…there’s a lot of different stuff. Actually meditation is very, very simple. I want to keep things very simple here. 

Here’s the technique I’m going to give you. You can use this technique to get to the highest levels of meditation you can. All you’ve got to do is use it consistently.

Step one: Set twenty minutes on the timer.

Step two: Sit in a comfortable position in some sort of quiet area, preferably alone with your back very, very straight and erect.

You don’t need to sit in any lotus position, that’s usually difficult. You can literally just take a chair and sit on it. You could do it on the couch. You could do it on the side of your bed. Don’t lie down. Keep your back straight to avoid sleepiness. You’re comfortable, give yourself a minute just to adjust, scratch anything that needs scratching so that you’re comfortable there, you’re going to try and sit still and not move for those twenty minutes.

Step three: Close your eyes.

You’re going to relax, you’re not going to do anything special with your breath, you’re just going to let your breath go automatically nice and calm and steady.

Step four: Try and clear your mind of any particular thoughts, let them go.

Like I said before, you’ve going to try and not get caught up in the thought stories. 

What immediately is going to happen is that for the first five or ten seconds maybe your mind will be clear, but then some thought will come up, some sort of story. You Can Either Let It Go Or Get Carried Away with it.

Maybe I’m sitting there and the first thing that comes into my mind is, “Oh shoot, I’ve got that email I’ve got to answer for a client of mine.” When you get that thought, you have a choice. You can either continue on that train of thought and start thinking about it like, “I need to go and research, I need to compile this report then I’ve got to send that to my clients.”

You can kind of get carried away with a story, or you can notice it in your mind like, “Wait a minute, that’s just a thought. I don’t necessarily need to go along for the ride.” Let the thought go on its own way but don’t go with it. You just let that thought go.

You continue like this, you just let thoughts come and go without ever moving from where you are. Not physically, I mean in your head. Be very still. Be the atmosphere. Don’t be the clouds. Let the clouds pass through you.That’s it.

Your brain is going to get caught off track. You’re not going to be able to do this perfectly. It’s very difficult to do this perfectly. In practice what you’re going to do is get carried away by these thoughts.

Sometimes, you’ll get carried away a little bit and you’ll start to refocus, sometimes you get carried away very, very far. You might find yourself caught up in some sort of thought story and you’ll be caught up in it for five minutes. For five minutes you’ll be totally unconscious of the fact that you’ve caught up in this thought story but then five minutes later you’re going to go, “Wait, I’m supposed to be meditating. Where did I go? I got lost in fantasy land. Let me bring myself back and center myself, become the atmosphere again.”

That’s the technique. Very simple. There’s no new age nonsense here, there’s no ritual, there’s no theory behind it, there are no gods to it, there are no religions behind it, there are no principles, there are no holy books. It’s very, very simple. You just sit and clear your mind.

Even though this is simple, it’s extremely difficult. If you’ve never meditated before then one of the things you’re going to discover is how shocking it is, how difficult it is to sit still for twenty minutes without thinking about anything, without getting carried away to fantasy land with your stories. It’s very, very difficult. You’re going to tend to want to get distracted.

Meditation is meant to be very simple. It’s meant to fundamentally make you totally accepting of the present moment as you are right now without needing anything. It’s like the most simple activity that you can do. It’s the essence of minimalism. Don’t let somebody confuse you into thinking that you need more information, more theory, more equipment, this kind of stuff. You don’t need it.

In fact that stuff will just distract you. Notice your mind trying to complicate meditation, try to make it too complicated. It doesn’t have to be complicated. It can be very simple. What I find is that whenever you’re trying to complicate meditation, that’s you trying to procrastinate from doing it.

Your mind is very tricky. It will try to procrastinate this especially at the beginning where you haven’t built up a habit yet just because it doesn’t want to sit still. Your mind wants to be running around. It doesn’t want to be sitting still. The scariest thing you can do is force your mind to sit still.

How Do You Go About Making It A Habit?

At this point let’s actually talk about how to make a successful meditation habit. The trick is that this must be done daily. This twenty minutes? Every single day; weekday, weekend, holidays, birthdays, on Christmas, on New Year’s, on Valentine’s Day… every single day. On vacation days, it doesn’t matter.

On your worst days, when you have a break up, when your business collapses, when you lose a hundred thousand dollars, you’ve still got to do it. When you’re sitting sick in the hospital, you’ve still got to do it. That’s the point.

If you’re not going to do meditation every single day of your life, there’s not even any point in watching this video and continuing further. Don’t even try it. It’s pointless. It won’t get you anywhere.

Meditation needs to be done daily not just for a month or year, but you need to make a commitment to do it for the rest of your life. That’s what I find is necessary. It’s just like going to the gym. If you’re only going to go to the gym for a week, why even go? If you’re only going to go for a month, why even go? It makes no sense. You’re just going to waste a lot of your time and get very frustrated.

The thing with meditation is that it takes work to start to get benefits of it. Yes, you’ll get a little bit of a benefit even within just a few weeks, but the true benefits come months and years later. This is a subtle thing, meditation. It’s not this big, huge, supercharging boost to your life, at least when you start.

To start to get that giant, supercharging boost, that will take you months and years. It’s not going to happen immediately. You need to prepare your mind with those expectations otherwise I find that you’re going to fail.

Here are some of the common doubts and pitfalls that I see people having with meditation.

One, is they tell me, “Leo, I can’t focus. I’m ADD, my mind can’t focus.” No, everyone’s mind can focus.

There’s nothing wrong with your mind it’s just that you haven’t trained it. Meditation will help train that. If you can’t focus that means you need to be meditating extra hard. It’s not an excuse.

Two, is that people tell me, “Leo, I keep trying to meditate but my mind isn’t calm in the middle of the meditation. I can’t calm down.” Again, that’s not something fundamental that’s wrong with you, that’s just how the mind works. That’s exactly why meditation needs to be done.

That’s kind of like telling me, “Leo, I’m fat so I shouldn’t be going to the gym.” No, if you’re fat that means you’re fat because you haven’t been going to the gym and you need to be going to the gym even more than the regular person does. Same thing here. Your mind will learn to calm down through the repetitive practice of meditation.

It Takes Years Of Practice To Perfect

Just because you can’t always focus during a meditation session, doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. This is where people get caught up the most, I think. This is the biggest failure point right here. People think that, “I sat here for twenty minutes and even though I sat through twenty minutes of it I couldn’t get my mind to be calm and peaceful.”

They imagine this picture in their head of a Zen master sitting there with a perfectly calm mind for twenty minutes or a whole hour and they think that that’s meditation. If they’re not doing that then I’m not meditating. No! Meditation is the entire process, not just the calm part.

When you start what’s going to happen is you’re going to have little windows of calmness, maybe five seconds here, and then in five minutes you’ll have another five seconds, then maybe you’ll hit ten seconds somewhere in your twenty minute meditation session. Don’t expect to do this for twenty whole minutes. You might not reach that state for a decade.

Maybe with ten years of meditation practice you’ll be able to do twenty minutes perfectly calm, but right now you’re not going to be anywhere near that so don’t set that expectation. Don’t think that because you’re having five seconds of peace here and five seconds of peace there but the rest of it is mental chatter that somehow you’re failing. No, that’s a full twenty minute session as long as you sit down and you try to focus you’re meditating, even if your mind is going crazy. Especially if your mind is going crazy, that’s where the muscle is being trained.

Imagine that I sent you to the gym. You go to the gym for a couple of weeks and then you tell me, “My muscles are so sore. I’m straining my muscles every time I’m doing a bicep curl.” Yeah, that’s how it’s supposed to be.

Your muscles are sore for good reason; because you’re working them out, they’re training. You’re literally breaking down the muscle tissue and those last couple of reps that are really tough, those are actually building up your muscles the most. Keep doing that, your muscles will get really big.

Same thing with meditation. When your mind is chattering away and it’s having difficulty focusing and you bring it back and you focus it, that’s when you’re getting the most benefit. You’ve got to refrain that and say, “I’m doing good. That means I’m doing it properly.”

Another expectation people have is that meditation is somehow going to be exciting and stimulation. No. If you feel like meditation is boring at first, that’s totally normal. You’re going to have a wide range of feelings while you’re meditating.

Everything That Happens Is Normal

Sometimes you’re going to feel agitated, frustrated, stressed, bored, sleepy, tired, anxious… all of those are normal emotions, especially the one about being frustrated and agitated. Sometimes people will do a twenty minute meditation session and at the end of it they’ll actually get agitated not calm.

They’ll tell themselves, “What’s the point? I thought meditation was supposed to make me calmer. I must be doing it wrong.” No, you’re doing it just right. Meditation doesn’t always make you calm. That’s the end state after many, many years of meditation. Initially in fact you can be very agitated doing meditation. That’s okay. Remember, you're flexing your muscle.

Some people say, “I don’t see the point of meditation. Why should I keep doing this?” I’ll cover that at the very end of the video. Some people have this belief that, “I’m not a good meditator. Somehow meditation isn’t right for me. It might work for other people but for me it doesn’t work.” No that’s total nonsense.

Meditation literally works for everybody. All human beings can meditate, and anyone can become a professional meditator, you’ve just got to practice it consistently which is what you’re not doing.

Here’s the principle that I want you to carry with you for the rest of your life as you’re meditating: everything that happens in meditation as long as you’re sitting there, you’re focusing and you’re trying to be mindful, as long as you’re doing that everything else that happens is perfectly normal and exciting, and it’s good. Sleepiness, tiredness, feeling boring, feeling anxious… all that stuff? Good. You’re doing it properly.

This is a really huge principle to accept. Once you accept this principle you can use it to reground yourself. You are going to have days when you’re going to be like, “It’s not working. I must be doing something wrong.”

You’re going to doubt yourself, especially when something turbulent happens in your life. One of the most difficult times to meditate is when you have a big breakup with your girlfriend or boyfriend. Meditating on that day or the next morning, that’s like hell because your mind is all over the place. It’s thinking all these negative thoughts. You just sit down, you try to focus, you do the best you can.

There’s no way you can have the perfect meditation session on that day. You’re going to have a very rocky, very turbulent and agitated meditation session, but when you finish that you tell yourself, “You know what? I sat here, I did it. I followed through on my commitment.” That’s exactly what matters. Everything else is okay.

Don’t judge yourself while you’re meditating. In fact try to turn off your logical mind. Don’t be thinking too much about the thoughts you’re thinking. Don’t be doing any meta-analysis. Just sit and be peaceful.

It’s kind of like you trying to find an off switch to your mind. You’re never ever going to find that off switch because there is no off switch. Thoughts just come. One thing you’re going to learn through meditation is that you don’t really have as much control over your thoughts as you think you do. That’s fine.

You Become More Mindful

What you’re going to learn is mindfulness. You’re going to observe the thoughts. What that’s going to do, it’s not going to shut them off, it’s just going to get you distance and separation from them. It’s going to misidentify you with them. You don’t even realize how powerful that is right now until you’ve actually experienced it.

I want to set the expectation that the first two years of meditation, even if you do it consistently every single day, are going to be hell because your mind is not good at bringing your focus back from these wandering thoughts. It’s going to be difficult. You have to tell yourself that that’s normal. It’s not going to be smooth sailing.

Which brings us to the final reason which is why should you meditate at all when there are all these difficulties, frustration and agitation, feeling bored, tired and sleepy, and all this stuff? Why are we meditating? We already talked about some of the benefits, but the reason that you fail if you’ve tried it in the past to set up a successful meditation practice, is because you’ve lacked the vision of what meditation can do for your life.

The reason that now I’m very consistent with my meditation is because after lots of research, lots of trial and error, I’ve finally been able to create a vision that I’ve really bought into, heart and soul convinced myself that meditation is something that I should do for the rest of my life.

Here’s what I picture for myself. I picture that through years of meditation I’m going to develop really strong emotional control. I also picture to myself that I’m going to be able to be happy no matter what the circumstances. How cool is that? If something goes wrong in my life, I’m still going to be happy. If something goes great in my life, I’m still going to be happy. I’m going to be in control of my life, I’m going to be in control of my emotions.

It’s going to help me in my relationships, it’s going to help me overcome any negative habits and addictions that I have, it’s going to build strong mental willpower that I’ll be able to apply in my business – I’m very business oriented. I’m also going to be able to apply this to become more productive – I’m very productivity oriented. I’m also big on creativity. I love being creative in my work, it’s going to help me with that.

I also realize that without meditation I’m never going to actually attain fulfillment in life. It’s not going to be possible because I’m just going to be chasing and running around like that monkey looking for sources of stimulation. I want to unhook myself from all that. I see myself five or ten years from now being much more unhooked from stimulation than I am right now and I can see that having huge positive repercussions throughout my life.

Ultimately the thing that has me really excited is the potential of using meditation to attain enlightenment. The sense of oneness with the whole world, the loss of ego, the loss of all the pettiness that we as human beings strive for every day, the need to protect yourself, all the insecurities you have, all the negative emotions… all that ultimately stems from ego. I’ll shoot more videos talking about that but for me that’s a really exciting prospect, is to attain that kind of state.

That’s how I was able to convince myself. You have to build a case in your own mind. Pick and choose from this laundry list of benefits whatever is most important to you, latch on to it and try to make this vision then go and start with a thirty day meditation habit.

Start with just thirty days. Do a thirty day challenge and see if you can last for thirty days staright. Every single day, like clockwork, twenty minutes, and see how far you get. If you’re still not convinced, that’s fine. Try it more.

The first time I did a thirty day challenge I wasn’t convinced and I fell off track. Get back on until eventually you see that this is something that you really, as a human being, must do if you want to attain fulfillment, happiness and full potential in your own life. This doesn’t just apply for hippies but for every single human being.

If you aren’t meditating and you’re saying it’s too difficult or whatever excuse you’re coming up with, in the end it’s just because you’re lazy and undisciplined, and you don’t want to become disciplined. It takes a lot of practice to discipline your mind because your mind is the most unruly part of you. It’s that drunken monkey. So bust through the laziness, bust through the lack of discipline, start the habit and we’ll talk when you become a good consistent meditator and I’ll shoot a lot of cool videos that will help you to take that meditation and channel it into even more advanced things with enlightenment, which is really exciting.

*************************************

Meditation videos still to watch (at a later date because more advanced) = 

Guided Meditation (The Next Level Of Meditation)

How To Meditate Deeper (3 techniques to transition from newbie to intermediate meditator)

Mindfulness Meditation (A Complete Guide With Techniques & Examples)

Meditation On Steroids (How To Get The FASTEST Meditation Gains)

Edited December 29, 2019 by Amandine

[Amandine]

My eye doesn't seem to have deteriorated, I just hope it holds out till Monday morning for my next optician appointment.

"I am willing to release the pattern within me that is creating this condition. I am protected by Divine love. I am always safe and secure. I love and accept myself exactly as I am". 

 

Goal Report Day 13 (28 December 2019)

?Goal #1: no wine (no desire for alcohol)

Goal #2: minimum 20 minutes meditation (resting my left eye, so only a very short session)

? Goal #3: Mindful eating, 4 baby steps (see below, on-going updates during day) Not a good day on the whole ? 

? Goal #4: be brief, 3 baby steps  (got carried away again with my writing, forgot about the goal, lol)  ?

?Goal #5: minimum 8 hours sleep (11.15 pm, awake 7.15 am = 8h)

Goal #6: minimum 40 minutes indoor bicycle (will skip, exercise not advised with retinal tear) 

Goal #7: minimum 30 mins Wellbox (will skip, not advised with retinal tear) 

******************************

Goal #3: Mindful eating

8.15 am Large capuccino and 6 small vanilla lemon protein biscuits (40g) (chewed well? Yes ?)

? Breakfast 10.45 am Muesli

15g Bjorg sugar-free organic "Fibres" muesli, 25g granola, 50g fresh forest berry fruits, 10g organic unsalted cashew nuts, 15g dried apricots, 5g chia seeds and 150ml organic sugar-free soy milk. 2 large cups of black tea.

Results

1. Seated? Must resist the temptation of sneaking a few nuts while preparing, I hate that bad habit ?

2. Only activity? No (listened to one of Leo's videos, but chewed quite well) ? 

3. 30 chews? No (see above) ?

4. Duration? 20 minutes ? 

 

? Lunch 1.45 pm Croque monsieur salad

2 slices wholegrain bread (70g), 15g cheese, 10g chorizo, 80g Iceberg lettuce, 55g tomato, 55g cucumber, 20g bell pepper, 35g onion, 5g fried crispy onions, 10g mayo, 1/2 tsp olive oil, a large cup of black tea.

Results (Not great, felt like I just wanted to eat the damn thing without all the kerfaffle tbh, mindlessly if you will) 

1. Seated? I'd naughtily started nibbling bits while preparing, so felt "out of the zone" from the start ?

2. Only activity? No, reading at same time ?

3. minim 30 chews? Didn't count or really chew that well ?

4. minim 20 minutes? No ?

 

I feel bad after wolfing that lunch down, and nowhere near as replenished and satisfied as I would have if I'd eaten it mindfully.

I've fallen off the wagon a bit with this goal, especially lackadaisacal today, so will get back on track immediately. 

 

? "Dessert" 2.40 pm 

Large black tea and 3 small vanilla lemon protein biscuits (20g) 

Results

1. Seated? Yes ? 

2. Sole activity? Yes ? 

3. 30 chews? Yes ? Each small biscuit was a mouthful, which I chewed 30 times, taking me all of about 2 minutes to eat the three of them. Man, I feel so satisfied stretching out my eating time like that. If I'd eaten them mindlessly, I'd have gobbled them down in 2 seconds flat, I'm a greedy little bastard. I feel I've redeemed myself a bit after that lunch which just vanished before my very eyes and tastebuds. It's strange how 30 counts makes you happy. This chewing is all in good taste. 

4. Duration? 2 mins ?

I hate the thought of just swallowing things whole, without properly digesting or assimilating them for myself (physically and figuratively).

I'm hungrier if I haven't digested my meals mindfully.

 

? Snack 3.40 pm 

Large capuccino and 3 small vanilla lemon protein biscuits (20g) 

Results

1. Seated? Yes ? 

2. Sole activity? Yes ? 

3. 30 chews? Yes ? 

4. Duration? 2 mins for the little biscuits, it's good ?

 

?Dinner 8pm

300g organic raviolis, 10g parmesan, 10g mayo, 100g Iceberg, large cup herbal tea with square organic dark 85% chocolate

Results

1. Seated? Yes ? 

2. Sole activity? Yes ? apart from chatting to hubby

3. 30 chews? N/A (dining with hubby)

4. Duration? about 20 mins ?

 

Not such a good day goal-wise. ?

Back to the drawing board tomorrow concerning goals #3 & #4.

Edited December 29, 2019 by Amandine

[zeroISinfinity]

Does 30 chews really feel natural to you?

Like you've placed yourself under some millitary bootcamp. 

Relax enjoy, some discipline is ok. If that is what you want. 

Edited December 28, 2019 by zeroISinfinity

[Amandine]

3 hours ago, zeroISinfinity said:

Does 30 chews really feel natural to you?

Like you've placed yourself under some millitary bootcamp. 

Relax enjoy, some discipline is ok. If that is what you want. 

Haha, military bootcamp!  

https://www.healthline.com/health/how-many-times-should-you-chew-your-food#how-many-times-to-chew

For me, it's all about conscious and mindful eating right now, I've lessons to learn and am getting interested in digestion and the gut's link to the brain, etc,.

The counting helps slow down the whole process (meals last longer!) which is what I need at the moment (I've gone deeper into the rationale behind this goal more fully here in this Journal when I started this challenge). 

30 chews? It didn't feel very natural at first but now I find it's not too difficult chewing my food that amount of times, even when I'm doing something else at the same time.

And if macrobiotics is anything to go by, "30" is mere amateurism, a drop in the ocean. 

Macrobiotics teaches us that chewing well is a primary factor in health and transformation. Thorough chewing means chewing each mouthful between 50 and 100 times (ideally 100 times) for physical, emotional, mental health as well spiritual progress.

Naboru Muramoto writes that chewing 50 times per mouthful is the basic number of chews for good digestion; 100 times or more if one has a health problem; 200 times if you have a serious sickness.  

https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Ourselves-Naboru-Muramoto/dp/0380498669

There wouldn't be enough hours in the day for me to chew 100 times on each mouthful, 30's good for me, do-able.

So count or not to count, that is the question, only you can chews choose. 

Edited December 28, 2019 by Amandine

[Amandine]

"I am willing to release the pattern within me that is creating this condition. I am protected by Divine love. I am always safe and secure. I love and accept myself exactly as I am". 

I just want the rest of the eye laser over and done with asap tomorrow, I do hope it hurts less tomorrow, it's pure torture.

Need to focus on goals #3 & #4 today, as been backsliding recently. Once they're mastered, I can get onto some juicier goals.

Goal Report Day 14 (29 December 2019)

?Goal #1: no wine (no desire for alcohol)

Goal #2: minimum 20 minutes meditation (having to rest my left eye, so only a very short session)

?Goal #3: Mindful eating, 4 baby steps (not that perfect today)

?Goal #4: be brief, 3 baby steps  (completely forgot to do this goal today) 

?Goal #5: minimum 8 hours sleep (12 am, awake 8 am = 8h (though last hour poor quality cos serenaded by the hungry cat)

Goal #6: minimum 40 minutes indoor bicycle (will skip, exercise not advised with retinal tear) 

Goal #7: minimum 30 mins Wellbox (will skip, not advised with retinal tear) 

******************************

Goal #3: Mindful eating

8.20 am Large capuccino 

? Breakfast 10.45 am Muesli

10g Bjorg sugar-free organic muesli, 20g granola, 50g fresh forest berry fruits, 10g organic unsalted cashew nuts, 15g dried apricots, 5g chia seeds and 230ml organic sugar-free soy milk, 2 large cups of black tea.

Results

1. Seated? Yes ?

2. Sole activity? No

3. 30 chews? No

4. Duration? 20 mins ?

 

? Lunch 1.45 pm Croque monsieur salad

2 slices wholegrain bread (75g), 15g cheese, 20g tuna in olive oil, 100g Iceberg lettuce, 60g tomato, 65g cucumber, 20g bell pepper, 30g onion, 13g fried crispy onions, 10g mayo, 1/2 tsp olive oil, some flax seeds, 2 large cups of black tea with 2 dried apricots.

Results 

1. Seated? Not always

2. Sole activity? Not always

3. 30 chews? Not always (rushed through meal, feeling impatient)

4. Duration? 20 mins ?

 

Zut, looks like another day at not succeeding my mindful eating challenge.

Remember, n° 1 rule is NO EATING until I'm sitting in my dining seat chair and turned off the computer.

I find the rest goes to pot if I haven't respected that first step.

 

?Snack 4pm (blimey, looks like a sugar craving?!)

Large capuccino and 9 small vanilla lemon protein biscuits (60g) and square of organic dark 85% chocolate

Results

1. Seated? Not always

2. Sole activity? Not always

3. 30 chews? Not always

4. Duration? Not good enough

 

? Dinner 6 pm Croque monsieur salad (dunno why I feel so hungry today)

2 slices wholegrain bread (70g), 15g cheese, 28g tuna in olive oil, 100g Iceberg lettuce, 13g mayo, 2 large cups of black tea.

Results 

1. Seated? Yes ?

2. Sole activity? Yes ?

3. 30 chews? Not always (was occupied with thoughts about the forum thread I'd just read, could've done much better)

4. Duration? about 13 mins ?

 

Supper 

60g forest fruits, a soy yoghurt, 20g granola and a protein bar with large black tea.

 

Man, that mindfulness goal sucked today, ha I should be chewing not "sucking", ffs.

Edited December 29, 2019 by Amandine

[Amandine]

"I am willing to release the pattern within me that is creating this condition. I am protected by Divine love. I am always safe and secure. I love and accept myself exactly as I am". 

Off to the optician's to finish the repair on my retina this morning. Please God, may it hurt less. ??

 

Need to succeed with goals #3 & #4 today, yesterday wasn't good.  

Goal Report Day 15 (30 December 2019)

?Goal #1: no wine (no desire for alcohol, plan to share bottle of champagne with hubby tomorrow, for New Year's Eve)

Goal #2: minimum 20 minutes meditation (having to rest my left eye, so only a very short session)

?Goal #3: Mindful eating, 4 baby steps (good on the whole, better than yesterday)

? Goal #4: me focus (changed from "be brief" goal, "me focus" resonates better) ? because better than yesterday

?Goal #5: minimum 8 hours sleep (1.30am>awake 7.15 am = 5 3/4h (reading forum till late)

Goal #6: minimum 40 minutes indoor bicycle (exercise not advised with retinal tear) 

Goal #7: minimum 30 mins Wellbox (not advised with retinal tear) 

******************************

Goal #3: Mindful eating

8.10 am Large capuccino 

 

?Breakfast 11.30am Muesli

10g Bjorg sugar-free organic muesli, 20g granola, 50g fresh forest berry fruits, 10g organic unsalted cashew nuts, 15g dried apricots, 5g chia seeds and 160ml organic sugar-free soy milk, 2 large cups of black tea.

Results

1. Seated? Yes ?

2. Sole activity? Yes ?

3. 30 chews? Yes ?

4. 20 mins? Yes ?

 

?Lunch 2.30pm croque monsieur salad and dessert

2 slices wholegrain bread, 1 slice cheese, 10g chorizo, 70g Iceberg lettuce, 10g mayo, 1/2 tsp oil. a large cup of black tea and a Capuccino with 6 small vanilla lemon protein biscuits (40g) 

Results

1. Seated? Yes ?

2. Only activity? Yes ?

3. 30 chews? Yes ?

4. minim 20 minutes? Yes ?

 

 

4pm Sugar snack

80g milk Suchard chocolate and some lemon cake with a large black tea

What the hell was that sugar craving about? That never happens to me!

I never eat junk like that.

 

?6pm Dinner I don't understand why I've been so hungry these last 2 days and why today I need a "sugar fix".

? not that mindful, just ate the meal "normally"

Organic turkey, organic mushroom in cream sauce with basmati and black rice, and a herbal tea.

 

Supper 2 protein bars

Edited December 31, 2019 by Amandine

[Bill W]

So tomorrow night we get to say to ourselves yet again.....

"New Year. New Me" - I think this will be about my 23rd consecutive year of saying this, and I am still waiting for this "New Me" who never turns up. So tomorrow I was thinking of doing something different and saying "New Year. Same Me. But some minor adjustments". Perhaps that's a bit more realistic? 

8 hours ago, Amandine said:

Goal #5: minimum 8 hours sleep (1.30am>awake 7.15 am = 5 3/4h (reading forum till late)

I think Leo offers a compensation package to aggrieved partners with regards his flock who write journals on here. Your husband could probably claim? I think Leo pays $25 for every lost hour your partner experiences, and a lump sum $1000 if your partner leaves you. 

How did the procedure go with your Retina? 

8 hours ago, Amandine said:

"I am willing to release the pattern within me that is creating this condition. I am protected by Divine love. I am always safe and secure. I love and accept myself exactly as I am". 

The above is beautiful, did you make that up or sourced it from somewhere? I especially like the "I am protected by Divine love" part. 

[Amandine]

Haha, thank you @Bill W you always manage to put a smile on my face! 

What I'm starting to realise is that ex-alcoholics can be incredibly funny and witty, while alcoholics can be so bloody boring (and repetitive), lol.

 

The affirmation above that you like is from the Louise Hay book "You can heal your Life", she's an expert in the domain.

https://www.amazon.com/Heal-Your-Body-Louise-Hay/dp/0937611352

I've been repeating it to myself for a week now, ever since the eye problem appeared out of the blue last Monday, and was especially repeating it quietly to myself through gritted teeth and clenched fists this morning while the laser beam was burning and torturing my eye. 

But touch wood, all is healed now, I'm still going to be repeating it though for a little bit, don't wanna be cocky too soon.

Apparently, according to Louise Hay, there is something in my past, future or present I don't want to see.

 

You can apply that affirmation that you like above to basically any physical or emotional problem, just repeat the phrase, feel it, believe it, ha, you can even meditate on it.

Look in this link for your problem (all in alphabetical order) and understand why you have it (on a subconscious level):

https://alchemyofhealing.com/causes-of-symptoms-according-to-louise-hay/

 

For example if you suffer from "Anxiety", she says it's because you're not trusting the flow and process of life.

So you can repeat "I trust the flow and the process of life". You can even add that on to my affirmation above, so the whole thing would be:

"I trust the flow and the process of life. I am protected by Divine love. I am always safe and secure. I love and accept myself exactly as I am". 

 

Look at these other lovely affirmations ? she has on her site, pick ones that resonate with you: 

https://www.louisehay.com/affirmations/

 

Leo has a video giving tips on how to make positive affirmations produce results :

https://www.actualized.org/articles/positive-affirmations

If you're interested but haven't got time to listen to it, you can quickly scan what he says in the tapescript given below the video. 

 

Good luck Bill, know too that I'm following your progress with your meditation and journal, and egging you on quietly in my corner. ?

Edited December 30, 2019 by Amandine

[Amandine]

No New Year Resolutions for me.