I would appreciate some life advice before I work it out for myself.

[Mada_]

So right now I am working on the life purpose course, I am doing all of the exercises, over and over doing the best that I can to get them right. But there's subtle parts of the course, not the specific action steps, but subtle aspects such as the implementation of a general journalling habit or personal visioning habit (I assume this does not constitute as leaked material, delete if not allowed x) that sometimes I feel get shown 99% commitment e.g. "Oh well I contemplated a different topic that day so that counts as me journal-ling." 

I want to do the course with 100% attention and focus, not 99% focus.

Lately I've been backsliding hard on some addictive tendencies in terms of food, I give into actually buying unhealthy food when I am out which I have not done before. I'm lean, and pretty muscular, energy levels are good when I sleep right. I mostly eat meals that are super healthy, my only issue is sugar addiction and lashing out when I'm in a bad mood. But today, after reading a book on the immune system and healthy eating, I was able to connect some dots, and consider the point that if I do not get my nutrition in order, well, I will be debilitated and die. So it seems wise to continue gathering information, taking the action steps, and then implementing this.

I also have a really difficult relationship with my brother. I believe he constantly attempts to manipulate me, he talks a lot of shit, and he is overall shallow, boring, lazy, materialistic and just starkly contrasts my values. His neurosis irritate me, he doesn't think before he speaks to me, he just blurts shit at me (I can see my nature these are very debatable criticisms, what I have written demonstrates my general attitude towards him.) Once I was in a situation where he was in my vicinity, this was after finishing a Shambhavi (yoga/meditation) practice, and I felt joy and attempted to surrender to it, resulting in me laughing. He then decided that I was going insane and tried to convince me of such. I tried to defend myself, but it came out as me just bullshitting because there wasn't really anything to defend, the situation spoke for itself, and my speech did not do it justice. So now he seems to think I am going insane, and he seems to think that I am some kind of social recluse because I only rarely see friends and don't go to the pub, and I haven't been vocal about beginning a career. This creates a really tense, mechanical and uncomfortable environment between us; like sometimes we have passing chats and then we make progress e.g. Once I outlined how I thought we both attempt to impose our values onto each other, yet this will never work as out values are differing and subjective. This seemed to dampen the fire quite a bit.

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My brother isn't so much a toxic person; I think I personally just try to avoid materialism and drinking alcohol, and he does both those things. These things are not bad, I just don't want to be around me because it is kind of boring. So in this way I find it difficult to respect people, or I have given it enough time to find such understanding really truly in my experience.

So on account of such opinions I hold, and there is quite a few, it makes me want to go deeper into the work of Byron Katie (or do more emotional mastery inquiry), I have done some before, but struggle to keep it up e.g. I end my sessions early often as I try to go as deep as possible, but there are other things that I want to do e.g. Yoga, journal-ing, reading that I see as equally as important. So yeah I get to 'have a look' but it is not the process finished in its entirety. 

I have just finished high-school, I'm working 18 hours a week with good money. I'm in the perfect situation to do the life-purpose course time wise, I feel like I've also got time to set my health straight. I can look deep within myself, I can look for meaning deep within myself, in fact I've done just one exercise like 5 times just so I could get it right.

 

My thinking about going forward: I could even read a book on speed reading first, then finish and implement the book on health, by then I having a solid and steady reading/research habit that can be continued following other endeavours (something critical that I am spotty on at this moment). Then I was thinking get my sleep schedule in order so I'm awake and constantly energised in my life. Followed by some solid, committed "work" (of Byron Katie), and also some radical honesty which is something that I have not looked at yet, and I think this could really help the course.

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But then I am also aware that I am pretending life is a linear process. Procedures tend not to work, yet perhaps I just have a narrow view of procedures, and execution is just changing implementations relative to the idea of my goal.

 

Is there something apparent that I am missing?

What would be some drawbacks to alternating my attention between emotional mastery, focused course work and yoga/spiritual work?

One I can see is that often I am not organised enough with my time, so then sometimes it means that I sleep less, which brings me back to the idea that I get my sleep in check before I commit to the course/other work. 

It seems as though it would be better to do the work if I were healthy, emotionally grounded, at least mended the relationship with my brother. 

But isn't backsliding inevitable? Is there a person who exists that does not slip up? Is it possible to change permanently? 

 

 

 

 

Edited December 11, 2019 by Mada_